Salley

It has been 20 months to the day since Rich died. For the most part, it has been the first time in my life that I have lived alone. I enjoy the independence, doing what I want whenever I want. We knew for 18 months that Rich was dying and he took great efforts to ready things for my life without him. He taught me bookkeeping and he remodeled the house inside and out to either make it easier for me to stay in the house or to improve it for resale value. In my heart I felt I would not stay in the house and on the farm, alone. In October 2012 I traveled to New Mexico to visit my sister and to look at a developing intentional community for persons over 55 years of age who were seeking a close neighborhood community for their final years. I signed a purchase aggrement to buy an undeveloped lot. I returned to Ohio in late October, started to pack and organize, put the farm on the market to sell, it sold in under 48 hours, the closing was the next week, the moving van arrived on Dec. 20, I spent a week at Christmas with my Mother-in-law in Tennessee, and then drove west to New Mexico arriving here on Dec. 30th. Whew. Things have progressed so fast since I decided to move to this developing community, that my head is still spinning. I am staying with my sister until an apartment has opened up. I have hired an architect to build my new house and house plans are progressing. It is possible I could be in my new house in one year. I feel there is no room for a new person in my life, even before I undertook this new project. But oddly, whenever I see an unattached man, in the very back of my mind I wonder if he could be a potential person to spend time with. What is that all about?? I do miss having a companion to do things with. As I said, I am living with my sister at the present time and really enjoy having folks around me. In about two weeks I will be moving to an efficiency apartment and am not looking forward to living alone in a brand new environment. It may force me to start making new friends in my new town. Being an introvert, this will be a challange. It was so hard leaving my friends in Ohio. I lived there for almost 40 years. Things have fallen into place so quickly; selling and moving, that I am positive that I am making the correct decisions. I am fortunate to have had a great support group in Ohio and having the means to build a house in a developing support group. It sucks doing all this alone. But I liked living alone this past 1 1/2 years doing my serious grieving. Life is, and never has been, easy. I am grateful for this website, even if I do not participate much. I certainly read often and have benefited greatly from all the posts. Beth

Mary, congratulations to you and Bentley! That is such a wonderful service, doing dog/animal therapy. Once I get settled down, I would like to look into training a dog to take visiting. Beth

My husband died 14 months ago. He wanted his body donated to a local medical college for research. After being at the college for 3 months he was cremated and his ashes were mailed to me. So I have had Rich's ashes for 11 months. I find great comfort in having them in the house. I have bought several pieces of cremation jewelry, filled them with his ashes, but I find I do not wear the jewelry. I filled a lovely cremation locket for my mother-in-law, and she wears hers every day. We never discussed what I was to do with his ashes, but I think he would like to be scattered on our hayfields. I think that will be a very difficult thing for me to do. I keep thinking that I should disperse some of his ashes, but I am not ready yet. Currently I have most of his ashes in an urn that I have grown to dislike. This week I ordered a plain wooden urn that I will transfer his ashes into when I receive it. I am not ready to let go of any of his ashes yet. I suspect I will keep them for a long time. Beth

Yes, medications are/were for me. I have a strong family history of depression and mental illness. One month into my 18 month caregiving phase (November 2009)I started on the anti-anxiety med, Lorazapam/Ativan, and just got off of it about one month ago. I believed it helped me and I had no problem getting off of it. In July 2010 I fainted and found out my blood pressure was 200/110. I am on two different blood pressure meds and remain on them both. The inability to fall asleep still plagues me. At first I was on Benedryl for sleep. In November 2011 my doctor switched me to Trazadone for sleep. This is an anti-depressant that is often used off-label for sleep. I take one half the dosage the doc recommended because the full dose is too much for me. At one half dose, the Trazadone allows me to not flop all over the bed (stops the intense restlessness) but it does not shut off my mind. It still takes me 1 to 2 hours to fall asleep at night. I have tried a lot of the suggested methods to fall asleep and so far they have not worked for me. I expect to be able to stop the Trazadone in several months. I am coming up on the one year anniversary, this weekend, of my husband's death. I am not sure if I will ever get off my meds for high blood pressure. In the 1970's I worked in a state run mental hospital and formed a very strong anti-medicine attitude after seeing the side effects of psychotropic medicines. Then later I saw how my Mother acted when she would go off her anti-depression and anti-anxiety meds. I understand that some meds help some people. It is an individual choice.

Melina, I understand some of what you are experiencing. What is working for me is to get myself outside. And it is a struggle to do that. I don't know how you get up and go to work. I don't think I could accomplish that. Once I get myself outside, then I find projects that need tended to. I have to get over my sadness that I am doing the gardening and mowing alone this year, but I can cry and mow at the same time. Being an introvert, the advice to volunteer or join a new group horrifies me. I can't get myself together, let alone reach out to anyone else. I'm actually not looking for love or happiness right now. I am still wallowing in my grief and have no space for relationships. I do have a large circle of friends who I see on a regular basis, but I have no energy for new friendships. I find comfort in my belief that things happen for a reason and that things happen as they should. I lived with Rich for 39 years and I am only 60 years old. At some point I will see that I have opportunities before me. I am not close to finding happiness in my opportunities. I wish you peace. Beth

Gratitude is a concept that greatly interests me and I repeatedly think I must look into it. But then weeks go by and gratitude never enters my mind. Yesterday I was confronted with it again. I had not received any invitation for an Easter meal until yesterday. I will be traveling to Columbus (two hours away) with some of my best friends to eat with their son and his family. Last year this friends' son gave me a wonderful gift. My husband had been in the homebuilding business for over 37 years and had an overwhelming amount of tools, ranging from a planer, drill press, scaffolding, table saw, ladders, boxes of nails, pump jacks, 25 different power tools; plumbing, wiring, drywall, concrete, painting tools and supplies...This son made me an offer that he would come and take ALL this equipment and tell him what to make the check out for. Having all this equipment off of my property has been a psychological boost for me. Now I am going to his house tomorrow and he is thrilled to be able show off to me how he is using, and neatly storing, Rich's tools. Oh gosh, now I am crying. This is going to be harder than I thought. Anyway, I am grateful to be with loving friends for Easter, and for all they have done for me. Beth

Melina, Thank you for your post. I have been wondering how you were doing, with the recent events in your life. It has been 10 1/2 months now since Rich died and suddenly I am not doing well at all. Spring has been here on the homestead for a few weeks now and I desperately miss someone to discuss what to do, when, and how. I wanted a new gas can for the gas/oil mixture for the weedeater, and had to think for a full day where I might buy one. My mind has taken a sudden down fall. Two weeks ago I misplaced my car keys, something I never do. I was sorry to read of your co-workers insensitive reactions to your situation. I had a similar one last week. One of the members of my grief support group from last year has found a new partner. We still get together as a group on a regular basis. Well, as you can imagine, she and her partner are sky high in their emotions. And they decided to participate in a mass gay wedding ceremony (over 200 couples were married) in Cleveland 2 weeks ago (gay marriage is not legal in Ohio, yet) and I went and stood up for them. After hearing about their joy and ecstasy for several months now, being at the joyous occasion, and then the daily phone calls after ward about their love for each other, I finally told her that I was feeling really bad and sad. She immediately realized how their joy was, at this point, was wearing thin on me, and she apologized and has not called for a week now. Early on in this grief process, I realized people must be educated about what is appropriate to say, what we are going through....I lost my energy to take that on as a mission. Beth

In 1989 Rich and I bought the 35 acres adjacent to us so we could have access to our back hayfield. It also came with a house and we became reluctant landlords. Since Rich has died, I really dislike being a landlord. The current occupants have been there 6 years and are terrific people, but we have never had much contact with each other. This past month, they have been calling me once a week and asking what they can do for me. They are coming over a lot, mostly to borrow tools so they can do their own repairs, but also to help me. It is such a relief to know they are willing to fix things themselves. It has really lifted my spirits. Beth

I am open to this and you have inspired me to purchase a book by Lewis LaGrand on Amazon. I have not had the energy to look into this field. I have been disappointed that I have not sensed any message from Rich since he has died. I have had many serendipitous events happen to me in my genealogical research so I've been thinking that Rich would also reach out to me. He said he would. Maybe some reading on the subject can help me be more receptive. Beth

Wow Mary...good for you! Your statement of " In spite of my 'breaking the family rules, the knot in my stomach unwound after I sent my sister the email saying no.'" says it all!! And please keep us updated on this issue, it is so important. I know we are supposed to be kind to ourselves, but honestly, I find it so hard to accomplish. Beth

Melina, I understand your concerns. At one time I had the same concerns and they were responsible for my confusing names(s) of Salley/Beth. It is a big deal for me. I have searched the Internet for insights for being a caregiver and losing a spouse. I participated in a closed/private 10 week caregiving forum that frankly was not helpful. The people who were enrolled did not participate and I felt the moderator was not a compassionate person. Whether those two things were related, I do not know. I looked at other grief support forums. But I felt most at home here. I read much more than I post. I really appreciate your contributions to this forum, you really add so much to our discussions. And I have infinite respect for Marty and Mary. After my experience with the private caregiver forum, I really appreciate their guidance and reading referrals. Beth

And Peace right back to you Mary. I am so sorry for your pain. If shedding tears is so beneficial, we must be on top of the world, right?! My mother-in-law (by the way, is she still my MIL??) called me last night and said she had been feeling really low all week and thought it might be because her husband died on Feb 21st, in 1994. I felt so badly because I had forgotten that anniversary, something I have never done before. Beth

I am thinking of you today. I really appreciate your thoughtful and insightful posts. Beth

a few positives here...after three trips to H&R Block, my taxes are done! .. my sisters only child has his first child, born yesterday and everybody is doing well... and my snowdrops are flowering. Now this last one had me sobbing because normally I would have gotten Rich to come look at them with me but they look so cheerful Beth

Mary, here is a photo of my great nephew with my sisters' Golden Retriever. Also, yesterday I ran across a website of a business that makes custom soft stuffed toys from childrens drawings. The business is exploding and they are looking for sewers to help out. http://childsown.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/looking-for-crafty-people/ opps, wrong thread Beth

I started a project yesterday and will finish it up tomorrow. It is getting my Federal Taxes prepared. This is something my husband did for us, neighbors, and his mother. For some reason I have really been fretting about this. My husband repeatedly assured me that I could do this myself. But this first year after his death, the taxes are more complicated than they should be in the future. I was able to sit dry eyed with the tax preparer and have gathered the documents to take back tomorrow to finish my taxes. This is a really big deal for me. Also, last week I had my attorney prepare a new will for me. My previous will had three dead people (my husband and my parents) listed on it. This is a great thread. Beth

Hey Melina, I dusted off my sewing machine about two weeks ago. I have been folding and patting material and thumbing through patterns for several months now, but nothing was clicking. I started a hooded shirt last week. I found I had to force myself to sit down and work on it and it took me one week to finish a project that should have taken one day. Today I started to cut out a blouse and think this project will be easier to finish. I really feel I have wasted a lot of time in the past year and I feel better if I have something to show for my time. I love to sew. Beth

Thank you Mary. I just down loaded Introvert Power onto my kindle for $1.99!! I am open to read anything that gives me insights. It is all part of trying to make this grief process into something positive. Beth

Dear Melina, This is a very interesting concept that I have not considered before. According to the Myers-Briggs test, I am an off the chart introvert. Many years ago I read the book "Please Understand Me; Character and Temperment Types" by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates. http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-Character-Temperament/dp/0960695400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1329573935&sr=8-1 I think I will read this book again. Has anyone read this book and have any comment on it? Beth

Hi Mary, I'm kinda feeling the same way today. This morning I noticed that the days are getting longer. It is quite warm and sunny today, and I was feeling that I am not ready to face spring/summer alone. I just don't want to do this. Beth

Happy Valentines Day to everybody too! Yep, my first one too and it sucks. I have been torturing myself with listening to Dolly Partons/ Linda Rondstats/ Whitney Houston's "I will always love you". Fortunately today is one of my regularly scheduled grief support groups lunches, so I will shower, get dressed and head out soon. It is cold and snowy today, not too inviting for an outing. Beth

Thank you Marty for the lists of these books. I really appreciate it! Beth

Good Morning Becky and All, This is the same thing I have been thinking about. My husband died almost 9 months ago and I seem to be in limbo. I have read 12 books relating to grief, and a few books written by authors who have also experienced losing their spouses, so I know a bit about what to expect. I am waiting for my heart to heal, and until it heals, I can't move forward to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. So I am waiting... and reading...and trying to make this a positive experience...not working yet. I don't believe that we MUST move forward after one year. We can't move forward until we are ready. I can't even think about my purpose in life, while I still cry so readily every day. I hurt too much to think clearly about the future. I too am retired and am blessed to have the time and means to sit tight and figure things out. I am not rushing myself. This is my winter of contemplation and I am taking advantage of it. I feel like a sloth but that is okay. I struggle to be kind to myself. I try to accomplish only one thing each day: clean the kitchen, do one load of laundry, read some...I keep the tasks small and doable. I don't know where I am going and I am starting to get anxious about that. Listen to your heart. Is there anyone else in this limbo state, and is this normal? I don't remember reading about the time between healing and moving on. Beth

I have finally been motivated to add an avatar. This is a photo of my late husband and the dog we used to babysit for at least a hundred times. Annie was going to be 17 years old this summer. But she was put down last week due to ill health. Rich dearly loved this dog. It has made me quite sad to know that Annie, too, is no longer with us. I wonder if Rich has been reunited with her? Beth