curley

I am just entering the 9th month since my wife of 40 years died suddenly, in my arms. In the months since her passing I've had many ups and downs, but I've been doing well overall. I've been aware of a paradox that exists from the beginning of this experience. That is, I want to get beyond the pain, but I don't want let her go. I've been repeating this cycle over and over: I dive deep into the pool of emotions and feel lots of pain and loss. Then I have a good contact with my wife and I feel much better for a period of time. The cycle keeps repeating, lastng for a week or two. I've been trying to modify the cycle by not going so deep---like only looking at a few pictures or avoiding parts of the house that feel bad. It has worked in that when I do feel bad/sad it is less intense and shorter. But, here comes the paradox---I DON'T WANT TO LET GO. As I write this, the answer is obvious---It takes time.

Hello to all-- It is my experience that "we are not bodies with souls, but rather, souls with bodies. My wife of 40 years passed on march 14, 2011. It has been almost 9 months since she left the physical plane. I have been quite fortunate to have had quite a bit of contact with her, both in dreams and waking consciousness. She is very active. Even though I always believed that more exists than is right in front of us, I lived as if this is all there is. Then my wife passed suddenly and I was faced with believing either in eternal nothingness or in souls going on--- To be clear, there is NO proof that all there is, is right in front of us. To me, that idea seems absurd. I feel that my wife and I have an ongoing relationship. She does not have a body and can't function too well in the physical plane, but she is very active in ways that don't require a body. My advice is: Remain open and inviting---be patient, you can't make contact happen. Don't take "sleep aids" or drink at night. At first, I was taking stuff to help me sleep and I finally realized that I was dreaming, but way in the background. Talk to your partner, look at photos before bed and say goodnight. Good luck

Hello--most of what you are saying I have experienced. I am lucky in that I've had a lot of contact with my wife of 40 years, since her departure from our world, 7 months ago. I do go through deep feelings of loss, over and over, combined with times that aren't so raw and painful. I've been trying to be more careful with my emotions and stop myself when I feel like I'm plunging to deep too fast. Don't get me wrong, it is completely ok to dive deep into the pool of emotions, but not always and not without some caution if possible. I've been learning to see my wife as "not having a body" , but otherwise we are still in a relationship. It helps as does this C.S. Lewis quote: "You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body." I think when we lose a loved one, we have contact all along, but sometimes we don't know it. Remember, you have to turn the radio on to hear the song. In other words, keep open and don't push too hard--be patient and open. Perhaps, you should try writing a letter to your husband. You'll be able to say the things your friends and family don't understand to him. I've written over 40 letters to my wife since May( she passed in mid-march) and it is so helpful. The letters are also sort of a journal of my experiences and feelings. It has also helped me to remember that not every emotion I feel is directly related to my wife's departure. I sometimes felt sad, or lonely when she was with us physically, too.

I agree that grieving is an individual endeavor---there are no rules. The one constant I've run into is the adage "it never goes away but it does get easier". Today is the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. We were together for 40 years. When I finally felt up to opening the box of ashes, it was mothers day. My grown children weren't ready, so I opened it before they arrived to work in my wife's garden. I had decided that I would eat some of or at least taste the ashes. It seemed like one way I could bridge the separation on the physical plane that I feel. It was an amazing experience which I can't describe. I have had a lot of contact with my wife since she departed from the physical plane, both in dreams and waking consciousness. We definitely have an ongoing relationship in so many ways, except of course the most obvious. I would encourage you too go as deeply into grief as you need to while remembering that "life goes on". The chaos of such a huge life change feels overwhelming at times but there can be opportunities for you own personal growth as you heal. For now, remember that your soul is bruised. It will take time to heal---be easy on yourself but don't run from it either.

Hello to all--My wife of 40 years passed on from the physical plane 6 months ago, two days after the fukishima disaster. Since then, I've gone through many ups and downs, which will go on probably for the rest of my life. I've had a lot of contact with my wife since her departure from this world. These contacts have been in dreams and waking state. As time passes, I'm working with the task of realizing the raw truth the she is no longer with me on the physical plane, and also realizing that our relationship lives on. I am a human being dwelling on earth and subject to earthly realities, there is no doubt about that fact. But could it be possible that all there is , is what is right in front of us while we are awake. I highly doubt that notion. Don't confuse the brain,the mind and the soul or spirit. The brain is a three pound jelly like organ, sort of the hardware that runs our body. But, what is that inner voice and is there only one? I see it as three major functions. 1. brain which relates to the outside world 2. mind which looks outward and inward. The mind sort of manages both the brain and the connection to the soul and otherworldy contact. You can't be visiting the non-physical world while driving a car, for instance. 3. The soul or spirit. The soul is not human--it has no mass or very little. It can't accomplish tasks on earth, but is part of the greater energy. My wife has no body, she has left her body behind. Really the person I lived with for forty years was only part of the whole being. Now that she has no body, she is still available to me because of the depth of our earthly connection. Love is not only a physical connection, but a merging of souls. To those who doubt these notions, I say this. You can choose to believe your brain, your mind or your soul. You can also learn to integrate all three. It is your choice, but one thing for sure is that you cannot prove that all there is to our existence is right in front of us, and why would you even try to. Remember, you can't hear the song if you don't turn the radio on. Be patient and remain open. You may have been having contact with your loved ones all along.