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Haley

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Everything posted by Haley

  1. To All When my MOM left me a year and half ago I am not sure if she new she was going, it also started with her going to the doctors and one thing led into another, and the next thing you no they have hospice in there trying to talk to us about it all. I know the doctors talked to her but at the time they were talking to her I just wonder if she new what they were really saying I had a professional come in and they say she did but I just wonder all the time if she new she was leaving and that made he stop talking I am trying my best to think in a good way but at times like the holiday times its hard I am here alone and I miss ny MOM so much that I hurt all the time, I get this feeling like some body is stomping on my heart, I have had many of conversations with Shell on this board and thanks to her once again. I hope we all are making it this holiday season hang in there we are all hurting. Thanks Haley
  2. Shubom My name is Haley and I swear you have just replayed my life over, really I lost my MOM April 2006 and my older sister (my best friend) moved away to Maryland and my younger sister moved away to tampa and took my nephews that I watched all the time they were with me all the time, and my brother lives in New york, I am stuck in Inverness where MOM left me while everybody is moving and esploring there lives without me I mean we all were so close that I live in Germany and moved back to Inverness because we missed each other so much and no they are all moving on with there lives my younger sister got married to a guy who is awful and I bit my tongue and went with my kids and it hurt so bad I cried so bad and wished MOM was there but I also feel like they are past all that with them hurting over MOM leaving its like it does not bother them. I pass MOMs house and that does not help no other way arounsd that. I also am ready for change and I am not sure who, what where when why and how. I have a poem I will type in next time I am on it helps I have to read it all the time just to help Thanks Haley
  3. We all Grief in different ways, my MOM left me April 2006 with me by her side and still am and always will be,but I can not get past that day in any way I do not talk about this anybody at all not a word I cannot do that except you Shell. I also am dreading the holidays I have my 3 boys but thats is for the holidays and its to hard not that my boys are not goiod enough they are the best..... I miss my MOM and all and we never bought gifts we just made time for each other and the time was priceless the best and nothing. My boys are at the age where they are mom go away we want ot hang otu with friends man I feel so LONELY. Birthdays are awful also when you are so use to things one way and than the next there are different MOM use to call mine in to the radio station and sing to me in a funny voice nothing. As the holidays are coming fast we all need to hang on to each other and get ready for the roller coaster ride. Some how some way we will all make it and move on to the next stage of the saddness in our lives. Thanks Haley
  4. clrw I also have lost a parent and its is my MOM in 04/06 and it still hurts today I am still numb, but my brother gave me a phrase that I live by everyday " GOD DOES NOT WANT s*** IN HEAVAN HE ONLY WANTS THE BEST " that why my MOM went up there I am a mom my self and think about how my kids would feel if I left them and no way no how and no will do but if it helps you just remember we are all here for you and each other Just think that oyu and your MOM could be together helpping each other out together even if you sit and cry. I know what you mean with people saying you have another parent I hear that all the time with my boyfriends MOM but you are right she is not my MOM and I am not going to replace my MOM not now not ever it jsut shows how rude people can be Hang in the there Haley
  5. YOu are so right people that are not going thru it have no idea and it makes it all the worse. Hang in there and follow your heart, do what you feel you should be doing. God will only give yiou what you can handle. you we always there for you MOM and you will continue. How are your babies doing hang in there Shell are soulders and ears are here for you haley
  6. Hey everybody It is always so hard to say good bye, and we never want to at all as some know I lost my MOM over a year ago and it is still killing me I was with her and in rjb445 you were in a way through the birth of your daughter I bet if you look in to your daughters eyes when you are sad and thinking hard about you MOM you will seee her and talk to her sounds weird but just try it might help. Hang in there you will have good days and bad days but just do the best you can. Haley P.S. hey sorry to everybody for not checking in lately just lost and still trying to figure out who, what where when & how.
  7. Mcky Sorry to hear about you loosing your mother. Its sound like you need to talk toa professional and have them explain things to you. I do not believe you have your self to blame you said that your mother forgave you and thats between youand your mother. Just hang in there and as soon as you can talk to a professional.
  8. Hi ALL I have a few questions that I was wondering if I am the only one that feels this way. To begin with my MOM left me April 9, 2006 and her birthday is April 11. So WHAM huh well I am try to cope but as we all know its hard and not a bit easy but here is my first question. 1. Am I crazy to still feel selfish even this amount of time I can not acept that she is in a better place cause she is not here with me. 2. What about the voice I try so hard to talk to her but nothing in return no sign no nothing am I looking to hard or just not to that part in my life yet. 3. I am still feeling that she needs to be here even if she was hooked up to machines and not breathing on her own at least I could touch her and talk to her and feel her and look at her and just be with her. Is thatmean that Ithink like that or is that normal I just want ot feel her talk to her Ido not feel if she was here that I would need her to talk back but jsut to feel her talk to her let her no that I love her and that I need her her with me, Iam not done growing and needing her. I hear people tell me that I can talk to her and have he proud of me but its not the same, I tell people that I want ot be kept alive no matter what so that I can be felt touch and talked to even if I can not talk back it does not matter. 4. Why will I not talk to anybody over this I claim up and stop speaking and will have nothing to do with that person if they start. 5. Finally is anybosy eklse have family members that are so rude and kick you when you are down about loosing somebody. My sister who is younger than me compares every one that is in her life now to my MOM like he5r low life looser boyfriends mom and just htings like that its nuts I am ready to go off on her and let her have it I am redy to tell her that no body is like MOM not now not ever. Well thanks for taking the time and reading this some times it helps to just write and get it off our chests huh. Thanks Haley
  9. Hey Everybody Well Its only a few days away from when my MOM left me and I am going nuts its like the Roller Coaster Ride starts over again. I am going nuts, all I can picture and think about is from the night I got the call of her being put in the hospital March 26, 2006 up until they took her from me April 9, 2006 . man I want to scream my lungs out and cry and go nuts. I do not no what I am going to do I am going to have a nervous break down. I close my eyes and it all plays in my mind and I try to sleep and I can not I try talking to her and nothing I I really do not no what to do. I am so scared to come up to the day April 9 I am going to freak really I am. I am having anixety attacks and my mind goes blank except the picture of my MOM from the dates above. how can i get through this what can I do please somebody give me advice I am actually leaving the state so that I do not hurt anybody that I love or care about here and I am taking that time off from work I will not be anygood to them and I need my job I do not need to put that in to jeopardy well if anybody has any input in this please tell me. Thanks Haley
  10. Hey Everyone I am needing a shoulder to lean on it is coming very close to the year of my MOM leaving me. What in gods name do I do help I am choking up already and my stomache is in knots and I am a reck. I feel so alone and depressed and going crazy I thought I was doing ok but the other day I was looking at the calander and saw the month of March and April (MOM got real sick in March and left me in April) and on top of that her birthday is 2 days after she left me I want to crawl in a hole and stay I am a reck. I still have ger ashes and all but man I am scared and lost I want my MOM back. Thanks Haley
  11. To All I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I really take to heart what everyone has said to me about this. I am still so mixed up to me its likehow can I take her to the cementary where she said she wanted to be burried next to her dad (my grandfather) (the best man in the world) and when my grandmother passes she is going to be there also but how can I put her in the ground and cover her up with dirt how thats my question and why would I want to I no it is what MOM wanted but she never said when. I wrote my brother a letter a few weeks ago and asked him what he thought and I have talked to my sister (Heidi) and I am no it is up to me but I am starting to wonder if I will ever be ready also the cementary is up in New York and I am in Florida so how can Igo and see her the whole her you no but I also am starting to think that I am not being fair to her by keeping her in my house and I have talked to her all the time I still do I have asked her to let me know that she is ok but I don'e see where she is letting me no that she is ok. and to make matters worse next onth it will be a year oh man I am choking up already bad I have been ok this year up until now and I am starting to look at dates and all man this hurts bad. I thought about maybe on the day of the year but I am not sure I can. I really am at a lost of this I have heard so many things abot this and all but nothing makes it any easier. Thanks Haley
  12. Daddylivesforever As everone else Welcome. We all are going thru the same things (kinda) and it helps to be able to come and talk (type) and get things off or chest and not be judged, the people here are great they really give you advice that makes you think and try and listen. We all here understand in a way that we can cry on each others shoulders. We are here for you. Thanks Haley
  13. Annette Thank you and I also have a little heart with part of my MOM in them and I also got one for all of my family and they have theres but my question is what about the rest I have her with me and it hurts so bad to know that she will be put away from me and I will not beable to wake everyday and see her its bad enough that she left me but I have wrote my brother a letter asking him his thoughts on it all and I no my sisters thought on it but its me what about me I no that I am not suppose to be selfish but man it is so hard I have always been there for MOM just like she was and is there for me how can Iput her int he ground and cover her up I think I would hit rock bottom butI am not the only one in the family so it is up to all of us but it seems like they have hte same opinion and mine alone is different. They say it is only right top let her rest in peace. Well I donot bother her or anythngI just feel alittle comfort knowing she is with me. I know there is no real answer but how does one do what the other want????? Thanks Haley
  14. Annette Thanks I just found out that they have that kinds of things I have a little heart that I got one for me and one for everybody (all 5 kids and my grandma and my Aunt) but I feel that it is not enough for me I don't have that answer of why but I feel like I need her with me. I also can not believe they actually burry them that sound funny I know but I have never had to go through this before I mean I have but I was so little I do not remember I mean they actually put them in the ground and put dirt over them and than I was told that I could put her in a wall but I can not go and take her out when Iwant can I? I mean its like the finale step and thats that how can I do that? I like your idea but I am so rough oin things I would lose it or what ever I am on the go all the time and if I ever lost it I would lose my self well anyway I have my heart in a MOM box with a saying on it. I really just want my MOM I am doing ok I guess but hey I have no choice in the matter. I hate that thought of not having that choice but thats the man aboves choice and It helps to no he takes the best and only the best it just shows MOM was and is and will always be the best. Thanks Haley
  15. It is 8 months today for my MOM and I am still as numb today as I was 8 months ago so I agree there is no time frame and if someone says there is than they have no idea about love and feelings because we as people can not turn off emotions and I do not want to. Just because they are not here with us does not mean they are not with us and we have to stop feeling for them, I have no idea of stopping. I have encountered some weird feelings lately like going back to the church where we had the service and I lost it I cried the hole hour non stop nat a dry moment from the very first step i took in the church until I left down the street. Weird huh I know but I could not stop I tried but could not stop I was with my sister and she was fine but I lost it. I still can not talk about my MOM out in the open I claim up and thats that with me I am still in the numb mode. Thanks Haley
  16. Pebbles I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Keep in touch with him as much as possible and try not to let him see you cry that helps him out more than you know. Be strong and cry when need. Whats the saying "If you can not say anything nice don't say anything at all" I am not speaking about hospice, sorry to offend anybody but we all have our opinions. How is your family are you all close that you can lean on each other? Thanks Haley
  17. To All: Thank you all for your thoughts on it I am still confused within my self and I am not sure what I can do. My sisters and there familys think that she should be put to rest. (burried) me I am so content with her next to me I get to see her (box) everyday every time I walk in to my bed room I have made her a little corner with a shelf and a few other things. My MOM, I know would want to be burried she has planned to be burried between my grandparents. My grandfather is past but my grandmother is well and alive. The place she wants to be burried is New York well I live in Florida and how can I see her daily if I take her there?? I do have alittle one to remember her by but I feel like its not the same I would feel awful knowing I put her in the ground I do not no why I feel this way but I do. My brother-inlaw who is a ordaine Minister says its the right thing to do by letting her rest and it will help but I do not see how anything will help the pain of loosing her mainly putting her in the ground away from me. I am not the only shild but I was the closest one and I know what MOM wants and wanted but it is not the same as I want. I guess you can call me shelfish but I think I would freak burring her I know I have to do the right thing and Iwill but I am not sure when or how. Thanks Haley
  18. To All Hi everyone and Merry Cristmas and A Happy New Year Belated as much as possible. I have a problem I would like so input on my sister Heidi and her husband Mike and kids came home fo rthe holidays and we had a great time EXCEPT they brought up the fact that I still haev my MOM with me in my room I have not made any plans to take her up to NEw York and put her to rest. They say Ineed to that we all agreed that we would go together and agree on when (when all of it happened) well now they want me to lay her to rest. I have her in a safe spot where she is resting to me anyway. I guess my question to you all is WHO, can do this not me I have no idea how???? WHAT, do they mean that I have to lay her to rest??? WHERE, will I ever get the energy to do that and courage???? WHEN, is the right time?? HOW, can I for give my self for taking her to where I can not see her??? WHY, do I have to?? I want to be so selfish about this but they say that it is the right thing to do, that she needs to go home and rest. I thought that I could keep her with me always I have the little keep sake ones but its not the same. Is it ok to keep her like she is or is it better to let her rest I have no idea please some advice would be great. Also I went to Church on 12/31/06 with them and that was the first time Ihad been in there sence we had the service for my MOM man was that the hardest thing I had todo in a while but I did it but Icried the hole time I mean the hole time I walked through the doors and lost it and stopped whenI drove out of the parking lot I stayed for a few minutes and talked to her but man it was hard I listened to the service but my head was down and Iheard every word that was said manily about praying and not to ask the question on WHY so I am trying that but has anyone had the same problem with going back to the place your service is at and crying. Thanks Haley
  19. Jenn13 You can say it again and againcause I agree with you so much about this time of year and it hurts so bad that my mind is all fogged up I cry all the time out of the blue I will just burst into tears. I also have really done nothing for the holiday either my boys decorated the tree but all else nope nothing just trying to get my self together to do it but man like you I new it was going to be hard but not this hard. I wish I had some words for you but I really am in the same boat as you but its my MOM who left me and its like I am stabbed in the heart and the wound will not heal. Griefing alone makes it worse in some wasy but other ways helps (me any way) I don't have to hear anybody else say to me that its time I get over it and move on or anything else I deal with it how I want to but at other times I just pray that somebody close to me would just scoop me up in there arms and let me cry as they hold me and tell me it will be ok. I am trying to think of all the good times I had with my MOM but I am stuck in the time she eft I am froze there and don't no how to move on I try but I guess I do not try hard enough huh. I know we all had good times its just trying to get them to surface after such a loss. I would also like to hide and wait for it to all be over. This morning I all of a sudden got in to a mood where I laid on my bed with my MOM's ashes and just talked and cried to her for her to talk to me, I heard from other people that they talk to there loved ones and I have talked and talked but I feel nothing in return I might be trying to hard but man I want my MOM. I want the times when I needed to talk she was there and listened and like you did not judge just let me talk I want her silly faces she would make and her crazy self that she was. I never new my MOM to be angry she found the best out of everything I mean my MOM went through hell and her reward now is heaven thank GOD really but I always thought that they only left when there time was up and Iam not done learning yet I need her here with me. I am lost with out her I also have lost my grandmother and sister due to them moving I got a wake up call in a matter of minutes my MOM passes and they move thanks huh. I did not want to grow uo from my family yet we are suppose to stay together always, nope it does not work that way. Life is so hard to understand I try tolook and keep my head up butit seems like when things are going good bam down it comes if not harded well thanks for listening Thanks Haley
  20. Life gives only tasks that we can handle so hang in there shell you are a strong person adn you are doing the best for your mom. I have had to witness something very hard for me to sit back and not say anything let me explain. I work in a construction company I run the office and the owner (Rudy) has a big family and his brother (Richard) lived right next door to him for years I mean years and they did everything together and then all of a sudden they had a fallen out and Richard moved across the street really and got married to a women that he had been with for years and has a child with well he found out that he had brain cancer some time ago and he kept going to the doctors and they even did surgery and they got most of it but not all of it and than come 11/17/2006 he had to have hospice come in and take care of him he was bad and than comes 11/20/06 and he passed away in the mean time the family is working and having a blast like nothing is happing and all I mean it and when Monday cam and he passed they went to work the very next day like nothing even happened and all even Richards son went to work the very next day I mean he passed monday night and they went to work Tuesday HOW really HOW can they do that man I was and still am a mess and they act as if nothing is wrong all of them the hole big family and htey had the funeral right after thanksgiving and Richards wife is already with someone else but to make matters worse its with Richards nephew and she told me that she thought Richard would want her to go on with her life and I mean that quick like 3 days after he left she was with him and I mean in every way like all ways man I am so upset about how people act I know what some people say but come on not even less than 72 hours thats nuts really and she keeps on asking me questions and I can not answer her I just say do what you feel you need to do. So I guess my thing to this is how can people just get up and go are thet heart less and cold or what I talk (type) to you all as much as I can and we all are together with helping and they are over here like nothing happened and it really makes me mad at them. There is no time frame of when the pain starts and stops I see that and I am going thru that my self and my pain is strong after months and months and at times it gets worse or better it depends. I also have tried talking to my MOM all the time I had stopped I got mad at her for not answering me and its hard to keep going when you get no answer. I have talked to people that say they see signs that the one they love is talking to them some how some way but I have yet to see that I try and maybe thats the thing I try to hard. I have gone to a councler and he made me feel like I was bothering him no thanks I want to be able to get answers and I got nothing. I have learned not to ask the WHY question I try I still ask a few times but hey I am learning This is a learning lesson for us all and I am glad that I have this site thanks form the bottom of my heart I really thank you all Thanks Haley
  21. Ann Thanks for the advice but no there is no body else that can do thanksgiving at there house and my boys really love when I cook and have the house open and we get ready for it all I am putting alot on them as it is for this that I have to try for them if nothing else I dread it so bad man I really do I have no feeling for it. thanks so much for your thoughts I have thought of it my self but my boys would be crushed over it they are all ready talking about it, I just got off the phone with my oldest one and he just mentioned it to me about it all my heart is not in it butI have to do it for them and bite my tounge huh any bosy want to put there input in on how they are going to get thru it I would love to hear about it Thanks Haley
  22. Vero Maybe a vacation all by your self for a few weeks or days or what ever you can fit into your schedule so you can take a big hard long look at everything that is going on in you life. That is a major decision that you should really take time to think and look at. Have you said anything to your husband about how you feel if not may be you should try I bet he to is under stress about his business and worried about you or maybe you have just given him the thought that youwant to be left alone with all your grief that you feel. Try talking to him honestly and see where that goes I wish you the best in all of this. Hang in there Thanks Haley
  23. Leann Happy Birthday to you from us Well maybe you could spend a little time alone for you and your dad on that day and talk t hima nd celebrate it with him emotionally and spiritally, its just a thought. My birthday was hard my MOM would always send a radio message to me and this year well you no it was not there. but hang in there and once again HAPPY BIRTHDAY Thanks Haley
  24. To all: Man I never thought that all of us are in the same boat and we all are pretty much going through the same things at about the same times in this year and yes it does hurt I also feel like I am going nuts really bad and fast that I have also tried to push people away and make tham mad at me for one reason or another. I am trying to just sit back and not say anything to anybody that way I am not hurting them the way I am hurting inside I know it does not feel good and I don't really want to hurt anybody but at times you cannot help it I guess the words just slip on out. We all need to think about what our loved ones would be saying to us right now, my MOM would be so upset with me that she would have a few choice of words to say to me but in reality I wish I could hear her voice and talk to her I have tried to talk to her but no response I wonder why alot of people that I listen to talk say that they have lost someone and that person talks to them in some way shape form or size but I can not say that, so that makes me wonder what is going on. I to have the picture in my head of the day/night of MOM leaving me and can not get it out what about the happy times I know we had alot aton millions of laughs out there not there yet I can not even talk about her to people or my kids I break down even sitting here typing I feel my mouth watering up and the lump in my throat and my eyes tearing and it hurts damn why does life have to be so hard. There is people out there that act like some passing does not even bother them even if they were close man how in the world do they do that. Thanks Haley
  25. Thanks all I really needed to hear that I am not alone I am starting to think I should be on something but man its hard for me to even think about going to a doctor and talking about it I will break down I am so private in my life that I don't talk period I don't really trust anybody. I also Shell have snapped at people like my boss thats not to good I need my job, I also could care less if I even come to work. does anybody now of anything that might help from a natural store or am I out of luck. Why can't we just fast forward this time of year and get on with things I am dreeding it so bad I am trying top put a memorial together for my MOM for the holidays I hope my brain will focus on that I have a picture of MOM and a card with the meaning or her name and a picture of Jesus I just need to put it all together and get things going I guess hiding in bed all day sounds better to me. The holidays are for family ok mine left me I have the most important yes my boys but you all no what I mean. Thanks Haley
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