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can't tell

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  1. My dear Laurie Mama cooked for 6, plus the several who just happened to show up when dinner was ready. During Christmas Break, Mama always cooked like crazy. Cookies, fudge, breads, candy, anything you could think of! I remember when I was in high school, I slept late during the break. When I woke up, I would walk into the kitchen and find my friends, Paul's friends, and a few of Eric's, although they were all in college. They would all have coffee and eat my mother's cooking. Even if the boys weren't home for Christmas, thier friends would show up and Mama would happily feed them while she was baking. It was not unusual to find 15 teenagers in our kitchen during Christmas. It was wonderful. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. What do we all do without Mama? Who will cook? Make the coffee? Play the music? What happens now? Randa
  2. Thanks, Maylissa Like I said, my house was not only full of kids, but pets too, because Mama could not let an animal suffer. By the time I was 12 years old, I could bottle feed or eye-drop feed a newborn puppy or kitten. Mama took them all. So, yes, I understand that the furbabies were just as important to you as we all were to our mama. In fact, I found a 2 day old kitten, eyes not open yet, and called Mama to find out what to do. She reminded me of all the kittens I had fed before, told me where to find the formula, and calmed me down three times a day (or night) when I called her. The kitten is now 3 months old, thanks to my mother. In fact, she used to joke that other people had pictures of thier grandchildren, and she had pictures of her grandkitten! That cat now represents one of my most precious memories. My mother trusted me to care for her, and only gave me the advice that I asked for. I know now what she would have been like with my children. That fills me with the depression again. What will I do if I can't breastfeed, or the baby wakes up at night, or cries too much? I can never call her again. Randa
  3. Thank you for that video. It reminded me of a special moment with my mother. Being a biologist, my Mama knew that homosexuality was genetic, not learned. Being Catholic, she also believed that it was from God. Being Texan, it pissed her off that homosexuals were not accepted as children of God. She always said that if one person was not a child of God, then none of us were. Anyway, enough politics. This year, after we saw "Rent" my mother knew that Anthony Rapp was my favorite actor. She brought us to the AIDS Walk in Houston for her own reasons, and because Anthony Rapp (the guy in the video with the camera) from Rent would be there. She had just started to use her cane and had forgotten it that day. She couldn't walk three miles without it, but my little sisters and I had the best time! My then 14 year old sister was with her best friend, who saw Anthony Rapp and told him that Sammie was his biggest fan! Sammie, of course, was humiliated, but Anthony Rapp tried to talk to her for quite a while. He sat with my Mama at the first aid tent (he had skinned his knees) and she only smiled at him, believing that he would not want to be bothered by an "old lady". That was a wonderful memory, passing on my mother's need to help with the AIDS patients, and my sister's and my favorite Broadway star. We also have his autograph. My mother made me ask him to sign my jeans (I am an actress, and those jeans were signed my several cast members, and now by one of my idols) and we remembered that day for the rest of Mama's life. He also signed our "Rent" DVD and CD, so my baby sisters have that. But I think I'm the only one who has "Seasons of Love" because I'm too selfish to share it yet. Mama always said that she had the best 525,600 minutes that anyone could ever have, raising the 5 of us. Did she really? Are there any other women who gave up everything they could have had to raise a family on this site? Was it really worth it? If you read what Mark wrote (I can't tell them page) then you know what my mother could have been. Was it really worth it? Randa
  4. I feel the same way. I see the mail coming to my Mama, and I can't write deseased on it and send it back. I know that the money to raise my sisters comes from her life insurance, and I keep thinking it's "blood money". They will all have alot of money because Mama died. I can't seem to get over it, while I write that my mother is dead on my college applications. Believe it or not, that will give me a lot of college money. It really sucks. Have you seen the Broadway musical "Rent"? If not, I highly recomend it to everyone on this site. In the song "Seasons of Love" they ask how you remember a person who has died. I choose to remember my mother as she lived. With love, and hope, and joy. Let's all watch the video and remember the ones we love the same way. Randa
  5. Laurie, I hope all of this is helping you. Please remember that NOBODY dies alone. God is always there. My mother's grandmother had seven children and 64 grandchildren. She was in a nursing home at the end of her life because she refused to burden any of her kids with her medical care. The kids and grandchildren stayed close, and a day never passed without at least three people stopping in to chat, play cards, tke her to lunch, or whatever else she wanted. She died in her sleep, alone, after she had gone to lunch with one of her daughters. I remember my mother's Aunt, crying that her mother had died alone. My Mama said that it didn't matter if she died alone. The trick was, she didn't LIVE that way. I know your Sean didn't live that way, either. Randa
  6. Derek, Please read these posts. According to what my Mom said, you are one to put yourself down, rather that let yourself see the wonderful things you do for others. Please be always proud of the fact that you convinced my Mama to leave my baby sisters with our dad. She had seen many single moms, but not single dads. She was impressed with the way you raise your children with thier mother gone. Now, my father will have the same opportunity. You gave him that. If not for you, Mama would have left the babies with my grandmother. Gramma is a wonderful person, but the 6 of us left have to stick together to heal, with Gramma giving us the love we need. Don't sell yourself short, you have done a great service to the people on this site. Randa
  7. I tried the candle. It did really help. I imagined my mother,and how she would feel about me right now. In my imagination, Mama gave me a hug, and held me to her breast as she has since I was born. She also told me not to be her, that I had to be ME, and that was the only way I could heal. That's my mama. She was always so proud of all 5 of us, and encouraged us to be different people. She loved me for me, not for my brothers and sisters. I love my family, but it did help me remember that Mama always wanted me to march to my own drummer. Thank you. Another thing... Thank you so much for all of the wonderful things you have said about my mother. I know that she was strong, and selfless, and loving. But to hear that from "strangers" or people who hardly knew her, it means more than you could know. Mama died in her sleep, but she saw her doctor for another very painful test the day before she died. She actually apologized to the doctor for making him see her like that! Yes, he was a student of a friend of my Mama's. But still, she felt guilty for putting a doctor through the agony of not being able to help. Thank you. I try to relieve my own agony through the wonderful memories you all have of my mama. Randa
  8. Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Mama really enjoyed talking to all of you, and by reading her posts, I understand how much she hurt about leaving us. When she told me she was dying, I already knew and wanted to leave school in order to take care of her. She wouldn't let me, so I came home every weekend to take care of her. She was so happy when my brothers, sisters, and I repainted the bathroom! I am worried about my dad. He sits on the edge of the bed he shared for 28 years with my mother. He hasn't cried yet. We are all trying to take care of him, but we don't know what to do. He won't talk to us. One of Mama's friends came over yesterday and talked with him and he cried a little. Maybe he feels that he has to be strong for the five of us and can only talk to adults? I don't know. I knew that my mother was dying, but sometimes I get so mad at her for leaving me! I want to be a little girl again and feel her arms around me, telling me that everything will be okay. Now I know that nothing will ever be okay again. My dad won't talk to anyone, my sisters are hysterical, and my brothers are trying to play Dad's role in the family while I try to play Mama's role. It isn't working. We all just walk around in tears or angry. I need my Mama to tell me what to do! Will we ever be a family again without Mama holding us together?
  9. Hello I am the daughter of Can't Tell, the woman who started this topic. My beautiful mother died October 1, 2006. She died in her sleep of heart failure. My father woke up in the morning and found her gone. She left us all letters, and in mine she left this website, along with her log in and password. She wanted us to read all that she had written. I'm really not ready to talk about her death yet. I miss her so much. I do want to let you all know what she was like. She had a phd in biology when she met my father. He barely graduated from high school, but she was not a snob. No one ever loved another person as much as my parents loved each other. My mother stopped working when my brother was born and never looked back. I grew up in a house full of love and some of the most unusal barbeques and parties! A party at our house meant that phd professors and scientists mingled with uneducated rednecks, all close friends of my mother. She loved them all! I thought it was normal for a NASA scientist to laugh and joke with a bartender or waitress. It was not until I went to college that I realized that this was unusual and only happened in my house. My mother made them all feel loved and welcomed. All 5 of us kids had so many stories to tell at her wake and I would like to share one here. When I was in high school, I met a boy who had long hair, piercings, tatoos, and was very angry. His parents drank and used drugs, so he raised himself. He hid a love of literature and poetry, because that was not cool. Something told me to bring him home with me. In our house, that was normal. Mama always made too much food for dinner, because we never knew who would show up.Well, my mama took one look at this boy, and shoved a knife in his hands. Within ten minutes, they were sitting at the kitchen table, chopping vegetables together and debating Mark Twain and Charles Dickens. I had never seen this boy not angry, but he laughed with my mother and they spent hours discussing books. My father is from Germany, so he pulled out some of his books, in German, and translated bits of German authors so we could all discuss the merits over dinner. That boy went home with three college-level literature books, and an assignment from my mother to read and be able to discuss three short stories and two poems. Two days later, he told me he had read them all, so I brought him home. He did not believe that Mama meant that he was always welcome in our home. He soon found out that EVERYONE was always welcome in my mama's house! He lived with us for three years, sleeping in my brother's room and studying literature. Mama cried at his graduation because his own parents weren't there. When he joined the Army, Mama was the one to email him and pray for him He wasn't able to come home from Iraq for the funeral, but we will save her ashes and he will be with us when we scatter them. That was my mother. I also grew up with several pets, as my mama couldn't bear to see a hungry or injured animal. She brought home every stray she saw, got them fixed, paid vet bills to get them healthy, then found them homes. That was my mother, and I am going to miss her so much! My baby sisters, ages 15 and 16 will stay with my dad and my Gramma and I will help raise them. I left my current college and moved home to help my dad. Mama would haunt me if I don't finish college, so I am going to enroll at the local college and live at home until Dad and my sisters can cope without me. Thank you all for helping Mama make decisions and being there when she needed to talk about leaving us. I know that she did not want to die, my mother loved life and people so much. One more thing to explain my mother. She left her body to the local medical school so that new doctors could learn anatomy. She told my dad that she wanted new doctors to get more familiar with her internal organs than she ever was! A great sense of humor, a big heart, an incredible brain. Everyone who ever met my mama is going to miss her so much.
  10. Everyone, Thank you for your wishes and prayers...but most of all, for your advice. I have decided to leave my two youngest children with thier father. I was afraid that they would be too much for him in his grief, but thanks to all of you, I now understand that they will all need each other. Please don't keep telling me how brave or wonderful I am. I am only saying the things that your loved ones would have said if they had the time. We all loved our families, and all of us felt the same way. I am one of the few who was lucky enough to say all the things that I need to say before I go. If you see something in my posts that you needed to hear, please imagine that your loved one said it. They would have, if they'd had the time or the ability. Derek, thank you. There are so few single fathers in the world that we need to be reminded ocasionally that they exist. I hope my husband will be as wonderful with my children as you are with yours.
  11. I am sorry I have taken so long to reply. Yes, I am still here! I did try to tell my family that I am dying. My husband found my Advanced Directive, and placed it on the kitchen table. That kind of opened everything up!!! Nobody will believe me. My husband is insisting that I'm "over-reacting" and walked away. My children have painted my bathroom (WOW) and wallpapered my livingroom while insisting that I "take it easy." My husband found a job with an old friend and somehow was able to continue my medical insurance as a pre-existing condition! Don't ask me how...my husband has always worked miracles. So they know. My husband will only talk about work and money now. I think that's because he wants to let me know that everything is okay when I leave. I do understand that much about men! So now I know that everyone will be finacially okay. My mother wants custody of my children, but I can't take them away from thier father. My oldest daughter also wants custody of her two little sisters, so I have to figure this all out before I go. I have decided that my oldest daughter (21) has a life to live, and my husband has work and grief, so my retired mother will be the one to take the two youngest girls. My husband will financially support them and always be there and love them. Is that okay, or am I screwing it up again? I have never died before, so I don't know how. How can I make sure that everyone feels loved? I don't want any hard feelings between my family members when I finally go. By the way... All of you who have been on the other side and watched someone die, I hope you now understand. They did not want to go. The one you mourned loves you, and wanted to make this easier. That's why I originally posted, to let you know that. I wanted to let you know what it felt like from this side. To Derek, I know that I was the fortunate one in order to stay home and raise my children. Not many women can do that these days. My husband at times worked two jobs so that we could have this "luxury" that women see as "lazyness". I personally think that many of them are jealous! Also, before you judge yourself (something that you have a habit of doing) remember that I live in Texas, and the cost of living is much lower here. Please don't kick yourself that your precious wife could not stay home. Check the rates, on the internet. You will see that a stay-home mom is not as rare here.
  12. Ann, I'm sorry for your pain. I hope that you will soon realize why you've been put through this. I can understand your ex husband and his thinking, it's the same thinking I have right now. It's not that we WANT to go through this alone, it's that we're weak. We can't handle other people's pain. We want to smile, and laugh. We want to love like we always did. We can't handle the tears or the pain. We can't handle our own fears, much less someone else's. I look at my children, and I can't see them cry, knowing that I caused it. When the children where here for my birthday, loving me the way I always loved them, taking care of me (they know I'm sick because of my cane and the way I can't move around anymore) giving me everything they had, fixing my favorite recipes, I couldn't let them all know! I have no idea how to break this news. I tried to tell my husband this week. With the news about the medical insurance, I thought that this might be the time. I think he knows, because he cut me off, and wouldn't let me talk. I look in his eyes, and he knows. He just doesn't want me to say it. He doesn't want it to be real. I can't force him to accept it, and I can't make it real for him. Maybe I'll wait until he's ready to hear it. Did you all know, but refuse to accept it, if your loved one had a fatal illness?
  13. Thank all of you for your kind words. My medical insurance expired this month, so we'll se what happens from here. My husband got caught in the layoffs that have hit all over the country (although the papers say that we are in an economic recovery...I'd love to see it). The kids in Iraq that I'm so worried about are not my biological children...they're the kids I raised, with just as much love and pain and joy as my own. No one will let them leave for a "foster mom" when they weren't legally in foster care. I had a birthday last week. My own children and several of the kids that grew up in my house were here. They lit the grill, cooked the food, and made sure that I was queen for the day! What an experience! Now I know for sure that I did not waste the gifts I was put on Earth with...I put it into those kids...my own and all of the others who needed me. I have lost sensation in my hands, and my arms are numb if I stretch. I love them, and they will know this site. Maybe they will find my old posts and know how much I loved them.
  14. Everyone, Thank you for your wonderful thoughts, words and prayers. My Doctors told me today that I may have about a year, they don't know for sure. For some reason they can't figure out, the lining of my brain cells is dissolving. (Demylination) This is causing the cells to go out of control and send signals to my brain. So far I have had so many different symptoms, that they can't be sure which will finally end my life. Sometimes my brain sends the signal to stop breathing, or for my heart to stop beating. Sometimes it just sends pain. If I have a year, how long should I give my family? Could I give one month, for them to say good-bye? I am not strong enough to do what eveyone is telling me. I can't watch my babies cry. I can't tell "my kids", the ones I raised and are in Iraq, just to have them worry until they come home. If they worry about me and don't pay attention to thier surroundings, they won't come home. I can't be the cause of that. I'm sorry, I know you all mean well, but I can't spend the entire last year on this wonderful planet causing pain to the ones I swore to protect! When my children came into the world, I made a promise to them. I have to protect them from pain, but I also have to tell them that I'm dying. Quite a problem! Is a month long enough? Can I wait until there is something the doctors can tell me? There is no exact time frame now, because they don't know how it will happen. Sometimes, God forgive me, I think about ending everything quickly and painlessly. Then they won't have to see me suffer. My biggest fear is that this is in my brain. What if I loose my mind? What if I don't know them anymore? I have a PhD in molecular biology that I never used, but that I never missed. I loved being a mom! But still, I can't loose my abilty to think! Those are my fears. That's why I can't tell them, at least right now. Can I wait? You have all felt the pain that I am about to inflict on my family. What do you think?
  15. Hello I'm the one you all want to yell at. I'm the one you all hate right now. I'm dying. I have a rare illness, one that the doctors can't diagnose. They know I'm dying, hell, they told me! But they don't know why, and it frustrates them. They won't know until my autopsy, if they know then. I have a husband and 5 children. They love me and they need me. They don't know. I can't tell them. How do you tell the ones who count on you that you won't be here for them? How can I tell them that I brought them into the world with love and tears, that now I'm leaving? Two are done with college, one is in college, and two are in high school. Now I have to leave them, along with the husband I've fought with and loved for so many years, I can't remember when we weren't together. I'm dying. I'm a housewife. A life few have chosen. No one will remember me, except a select few. I have had the most wonderful life ever. I devoted my life to 6 people. My children were not raised by babysitters, but by me. Television was limited to an hour a day when they were small, and MTV has never been allowed in my house. None of my girls has ever walked out of this house in skimpy clothing, and the neighborhood children were able to smell cookies before I put them in the oven. I have raised many of my children's friends whose parents didn't have time for them, or the kids were too much trouble, or they were on drugs, etc. My Mother's Day sees teenagers with unGodly body piercings and tatoos, now clean and sober, who love me and are in no way biologically related. I once hung my keychain from the eyebrow ring of a teenage boy! Yet I'm dying. Please believe me when I say that we don't want to leave. I want to see my grandchildren born, I want to see my youngest graduate from college, I want to hold the ones I raised who went to Iraq and sent me emails and letters the whole time they have been gone. None of us want to leave you. We love our families and would do anything to keep you from this pain. We know the pain. We have tried to keep it from you out of love. We don't want our children or our spouses to see or feel this pain. Yet, we still die. My husband and children don't know. I won't let them know. Why should they feel this? I'm dying. I've led a wonderful life, one no one will ever acknowledge. I never cured a disease, invented a computer program, or found a way to "give back" to the community. Please believe me when I say for all of your loved ones that we never lied to you. We didn't want you to share this because we are not strong enough to deal with your grief. We feel your love. We need it and it gives us strength. But those of us who spent a lifetime helping and hand-holding, we can't let go of our love for you or our responsibility to you long enough to let you grieve. I am selfish. But I am dying.
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