sad

Mary, If I could, I'd give you a big hug. Sorry you had a bad day. I'll say a prayer tonight for your future happiness. That almost sounds funny doesn't it? I do hope you find peace with life as you know it now. That sounds better. Peace with life is all we can ask for. Kathy

Yes, Kay, I am reaching out to others. I do care about you guys. How are you doing? sad

Thank you Carol Ann. You are a very special person. sad

Kay, I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to comfort you. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking about you and I'll pray for you. sad

Kay, Was Steve found and is he ok? I've thought about it all night. Very sad situation. Hope everything is ok. sad

First of all, I want to thank each one of you for caring enough to post. That means a lot. Dwayne, it's sweet of you to offer your phone number, but you live in Mass. and I'm in Ohio. That's long distance unless you have a cell phone which I do not. Thanks for the offer though. Pilla, my neighbor is a therapist by trade. I told her about Margaret right away. She came over and we talked for a while. I haven't seen her since. She moved nexed door about 6 years ago and didn't want anything to do with us from the start. We gave her a welcoming basket, invited her over to my house many times which she declined. She saw my pain, my anguish. She asked me if Margaret and I were lovers. Margaret and I were as close as sisters, but we were not gay. Many people have asked us that question because we were always together. Anyway, I know my neighbor doesn't give a hoot about me and I'm not going to beg someone to be my friend. On the other side is an empty house, so no neighbor there. Kay, you are a wonderful person as I have stated. Very concerned about others. Too bad we don't live closer to each other. At least you do have a son, or maybe more children that can comfort you. That's really a blessing. Mary, I feel a sisterhood with you. We have no children, just ourselves and our friends to comfort us. I never had kids, although I wanted them. I just never settled down with the right guy, who never came along. Guys come and go and so does time. Now I'm alone except for the friends I have left. As I told you guys, they just don't get it and they don't understand. I have to deal with this alone as I've always dealt with any death. I guess that's just how I know how to cope, which you know I'm not doing too well. It does help knowing I'm not alone in this hellish journey. I have you guys with me. Mary, I would like suggestions from you about what I can do. Anything anyone can suggest is welcomed. I need anything I can get from you guys. I feel like you are all I have that really know my pain and lonliness. You don't judge or condemn me for my feelings and I do appreciate it. Thanks again for being there. sad

Ok, about me. I retired 2 years ago at 57. I had 30 plus years in and I was ready to have fun. Margaret retired a few years back and we talked about this time and how we'd go antiquing, flea marketing, auctioning, etc. as that is what we both liked. She lost all her family recently and had no one but me. I lost my family years ago and had no one except my friends. Margaret moved into my finished basement some 15 years ago after her divorce. She brought everything she owned including all her cats. Well, now she's gone, I still have all her stuff, and her 8 cats. We promised each other that whoever died first, the other would care for all the cats. I have 3. Now I have 11 cats, whom I love very much, but at times is very overwhelming. Her cats live in the basement because they would fight if I mixed them. I have to go downstairs many times a day to care for them and when I do the feelings I get going into her areas are so depressing for me. I try to spend time with them as they are very social and I feel sorry for them. Right now my days are lonely, empty, quiet, boring, depressing, wasted, and meaningless. I won't answer my phone. I have a couple of friends that call to check on me and I don't want to talk to them. One told me straight out to "get over it" and the other just doesn't understand my pain. So I spend my days in silence, thinking. I can't or won't go to any of the places Margaret and I used to go because I can't. I am at a loss of what to do. I feel so lost, insignificant, and useless. My best friend in the world of all time has died and I can't cope with it. Thanks everyone for caring and your posts. sad

Another day of nothingness, meaningless existence. sad

Thanks for all your support. I really need it and it does help somewhat. And KayC, you are an wonderful person to be posting on here to help others when you are having such a hard time yourself. I hope all your brokens bones and bruises heal ok. I also hope you find another job so you can keep your house. Thanks again to all who post to me. Someday maybe I can do the same for you and others who are grieving. sad

Well, here I am again. It's been over 2 months and I think things are getting worse. I cry from the time I get out of bed to the time I go to bed. Then I toss and turn for hours, crying, thinking. I am alone all day, every day. I feel like it's not worth it to go on with this agony. I am desperate for love from anyone. For someone who really cares and knows what I am going through. I wish I had someone in my family that was here with me, but everyone is dead. I'm wishing more and more that I will die. I pray to God every night and day to please take me. I don't want to have to do it myself. I've been told that I'll never see heaven if I commit suicide, but I don't think God would deny me that. I need to be with my Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Margaret. Please don't get mad at me for not posting often and then getting on here and talking like this. I am at my lowest low and I don't think there is hope for me. sad

Just wanted everyone to know that I'm still alive, just too depressed to post anything. Don't want to waste anyone's time. sad

Another bad day. Cried. Feel so depressed. Wish I could curl up and die. sad

Thanks so much for your kind comments. sad

Today is another bad one. I can't stop crying for Margaret. I pray and pray that God will help me, give me strength and courage, but I don't think it's helping. All I think about is tomorrow and the fact that there is nothing about the future that makes me want to go on. sad

Still sad. Feeling empty, lonely, withdrawn from life. Not drinking as much, but still crying everyday. sad

I am so distraught and depressed I can't even think straight. I don't know what to do. I walk around this stupid, empty house and I want to scream my head off. I don't want to talk to anyone. They don't understand. I have never, ever, in my life felt like this. All I think about is dying and how to do it. I don't want to burn in hell and that's what I'll do if I commit suicide. I just don't believe that I can go on. I stay inside the house all the time and cry. I don't want to go out, but it's so sad in here. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Everyone on here has lost someone and I can't post to them and help them because I am so down and out. I'm sorry everyone. sad

Somehow feeling worse each day. Tired of playing the living game. sad

Thanks Carol Ann. sad

I'm sorry guys, I just can't stand the pain and isolation today. sad

Thanks Carol Ann and mfh. I lit a candle in honor of Margaret. Not a good day today. Very depressed. sad

Dwayne, No I don't see a glimmer of light in my world. I just got done crying most of the evening. My real mood is a lot different from my words on paper. I'm just trying to stay upbeat even though I don't really feel it. Can't see a future. Can't fathom any real life ahead. But people probably get tired of hearing that. sad

Carol Ann, you have a wonderful way with words. Thanks for your posts. They are very enlightening and so true. Being alone most of the time does not help one cope with a loss. But having this forum helps in so many ways. There are so many warm and giving people on here that really care. That's nice to know. sad

Good luck Dwayne with your new career. Hopefully you'll get a good night's rest and everyone else out there. Good night all. sad

Carol Ann, Beautiful, touching story. Brings tears to my eyes. You are a special, amazing person. sad

Dwayne, it has only been 3 month since you lost Pauline. Wow. I admire you being on here, helping others while you grieve. I admire everybody on here. It's like we have a kinship. None of us have ever met, but we are all brothers and sisters in pain. 24 hours a day you might find a friend here and that feels wonderful. Do you have a job that you spend 8 or 12 hours a day, or are you like me, retired? I retired early in life thinking I would have fun before I got too old. What a joke. Sometimes I wish I were still working. At least that way my mind would be occupied with other thoughts part of the day. I hope you are working and can concentrate on other things for a while. sad