April_the_Cruellest

Week 2. Self-abandonment has led to deeper sorrow and greater pain. When I wander lonely and aimlessly like a ghost at midnight, how I wish a “careless” driver would end my sorrow! When I face a houseful of emptiness, how I wish a bottle of “mislabeled” liquid would kill my pain! In the end, I am still too much of a coward to end my insipid life. I don’t remember when I ate or what I ate. I’ve lost my appetite completely--the senses of taste and smell that I used to be proud of seem to diminish overnight. The only thing I still feel is pain, excruciating pain, on my broken heart. I don’t think it can be consoled by anyone or anything before I am liberated by self-destruction. Thank you for providing a space for me to rant but I will not come back. This is a place for people to grieve and heal, not for a wicked and wretched failure like me that there is no hope for healing and redemption. I do hope you all can get over your painful loss but it's not going to work for me. I don't know if I want to go to work tomorrow; I don't know if I even want to wake up tomorrow. It doesn't matter any more. I was dead on the same day when my husband died!

It's been one week and I am still in hell. I went to the mortuary alone to sign paper work, select an urn, and see my husband for the last time. Then I returned to work 3 days after his death. Yesterday I went back to the mortuary alone to pick up his ashes. I almost shut myself off from the society. I don't need a dinner at a friend's house. No, thank you. I don't need someone to take me for a walk. No, thank you. I don't need someone to visit me and see my cry like a baby. No, thank you. I will not call back if I need help. No thank you. I choose to keep private and only let a couple of co-workers in the office know what happened. What can they do for me except saying something nice and watching me cry more? I guess I don't care anything any more. Job, health insurance, clothes, food, hobbies, entertainment... everything seems to be so empty.... I don't know why I am still alive!

I just lost my husband and I feel I am in hell!!! People keep asking me how I am doing...Well how does it feel to be stabbed thousands of times in the heart! "April is the cruellest month." And I am bound to this stupid waste land, tossing and turning in agony at nights, and walking like a living dead pretending, "I am fine. Thank you!". No, I am not fine and I don't think I will be!