Lilac

Hi Sheiss, Thanks for responding, I'm glad there's something who understands what I went through and the need to have some "me" time to sort through feelings. I'm sorry to hear about your father. I hope you find more releases that can help you cope. Was your mother/friends understanding when you needed "me" time?

I've noticed many of you have had to cut ties or friendships during these hard times, or at least had to cope w/friends who haven't stepped up to the plate with support.. Questions: 1. If you find your friends haven't been supportive, how do you cope w/this? 2. If you had to cut ties, do you feel hurt or you can easily move on since they hurt you? I'm trying to cut ties, but am having a hard time getting over being hurt.. I guess just knowing they hurt me wasn't enough to get over our friendship .. and I'm just trying to find tips or point of views that can help me through this, I don't want to keep thinking about it or feel hurt about it, although part of me feels I'm just concentrating on this to avoid feeling the pain of losing my father.. thanks.

Hi, I feel the same way too, it's just tiring to do anything and I spend a lot of my day just thinking about my loved one.. try not to be too hard on yourself and understand this is just the grieving process.. I find I get worse when I'm hard on myself for not doing more in a day.. (i'm trying to find a job and beat myself up when I dont get much done in a day) The additional stress of being hard on yourself is just not necessary. Try to be positive and instead of saying "all I did was shower today" say "I showered today, that's good" Sometimes I make myself go out w/friends to get myself out of the house and forget about the grief for a short while, it definitely helps, or do small things that make u feel happy like eating a favorite meal, enjoying a nice hot shower, and try to keep positive, which I know is hard, but little by little I think it helps to at least change your perspective on the small things you DO accomplish everyday.

Hi Chai, I can definitely relate to this, I feel the exact same way and I'm sorry you are going through the same thing.. I think we're never going to be the exact same person again after losing a loved one.. our lives are literally different and the way we see things from now on.. we didn't ask for this, but change comes whether we're ready for it or not.. and I think we're just very vulnerable because of our loss that we're afraid to reach out to others for fear of any sort of rejection cause anything is too strong for us to handle right now. Most ppl say that their 'friends' haven't been supportive, all the more reason to keep you yourself nowadays.. and I think that's ok, there's only so much you can handle that it's ok to feel you need to be by yourself and sort these feelings out w/o others barging in to give their two cents or make you feel worse. These events really force you to look at who you really are.. It's probably the last thing you want to even worry about now, but it's not necessarily a bad thing I'm finding out.. I always do what others want, please them and never acknowledge how I feel about anything to the point where I don't even KNOW what my opinion is on anything! I'm in the process of learning who I really am and I plan on growing from this experience.. Be your own best friend and try to not worry about others so much and just worry about you =) Do what's right for you and don't be hard on yourself, you have the right to feel like it's all about you right now and be ok w/the idea your feelings are confusing.. nothing really makes sense right now.. and there's nothing wrong w/that. This is a great site to find strength in discovering who you are or the new you, take care

Erin, Thank you so much for your input, I appreciate it. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, that is a very recent loss.. I hope you have a strong support group to help you through your grief and don't experience what I have. Please take care and I hope you find peace like I have being a part of this forum.

2sweetgirls, Thank you so much for your support, thinking about the situation is just making me re-guess whether or not I was wrong to have left my mom, even if she said to, and said she's ok. I'm very grateful for your support. You're right, this is a wonderful site and I'm so glad there are people like you and the rest who can be here for each other. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through and I cannot believe your friend would text you.. especially knowing of your situation w/BOTH your parents!! I really cannot comprehend what goes on through people's minds.. i mean not even a phone call. To think she would even argue w/u via email instead of the phone (that's what's going on with me too) I'm so sorry to hear that and I'm glad you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and see that being her friend wasn't right for you

Hi MartyT, Thank you for your input and I'm sorry for all the posts and comments.. I just felt so emotional I just needed to speak to someone. I guess because I always depended so much on how others perceive me, and other's approval, it really effects me how my best friend sees me. and I'm also very effected by what's considered "right" and "wrong." So her thoughts made me question if I did something bad to my family and I"m confused as to whether I did or not since my family says no, but she says yes.. If I truly did something wrong, I want to own up to it and fix it.. and I guess I'm just trying to get others input to see if what i did was wrong or right

I get so angry when I see my dad's hospital on TV talking about all their special stories of how they've healed so many patients.. yet, refused to help my dad or try.. thanks a lot.. he even worked at that hospital, nice pay back huh? and cancer center of america, after instilling so much hope into me from their commercials, my 30 second phone call w/them shot me back down.. only out patients.. hello? don't ppl w/no hope come to this facility??!

my mother's best friend came over with a huge bag of food for all of us that lasted for days. She sat around, talked, laughed, let my mom talk about whatever she wanted, and never changed the subject if she didn't want to.. my boyfriend flew from across the country to be w/me and do anything I couldn't.. like drive around, etc.. we both told them this wasn't necessary, but they, as friends/support, knew we weren't ourselves and did what they needed to to help us feel better, not just act like robots and leave all the responsibility and blame on us. just being there, knowing whats best in your heart for your loved one and letting them grieve how they want to, was absolutely precious to our family and I won't forget it.

i cannot believe how insensitive people can be.. even if they don't understand how difficult it is for the grieving person, can't they just BE there for them, no fancy words of wisdom, just literally be there.. I don't understand.. its really not about THEM, so I just don't see why the people who are grieving have to grieve in silence, so others do not feel uncomfortable, etc. aren't we going through enough already, yet we also have to watch our words, not make people feel uncomfortable AND test all our friendships and deal w/the ones that aren't as real as you thought they were? unbelievable. My own friend of 13 years actually has been ignoring me and just recently wrote to me to judge me on how i handled things w/my family even though my family and I are fine and were fine w/what we decided to do as a family.. is that really necessary? really, how hard is it to be there for someone.. u dont have to think of the right things to say or anything, just be there..listen.. u can do that. help. u can do that.

Thanks Erin, good to know I'm not the only one.. I've been reading a book called "the disease to please" to learn how to stop being such a doormat, so I can feel less like a victim

It's scary to read so many posts regarding how thoughtless people can be, it's hard to see this is somewhat "typical." My best friend is actually ignoring me right now because she disagrees w/how I handled certain situations w/my family.. aka.. judging.. don't exactly know how that is her business and how she feels she can get angry at me for not doing what she thinks i should.. even though my entire family came to agreement w/everthing and is perfectly fine w/how things went down.. (she thinks they're lying.. um ok??) Only advice I can give you that I'm trying to do myself is to be your own best friend, and be there for yourself and not try to reach out to people who can hurt you..

That's a great way of looking at things, anniversary closer to seeing your loved one

have u always been a people pleaser or just recently?

I've grown up as a people pleaser and a pretty much a doormat, taking care of others needs always before my own As one of my dad's primary caretakers, I became overwhelmed w/burnout as I was given a great deal of the responsibility of taking care of him as he was bedridden as well as errands, chores, etc.. Now my father's gone.. I'm on the edge of depression and my closest friends are not only, NOT supporting me but also being judgmental and critical about how long I stayed to take care of family matters until I flew home.. "disappointment" was a term they've used.. even though everything was worked out and agreed upon all my family members Always being there for them, I was counting on their sympathy and support, which they've only given to my mom and sister and could care less about my feelings.. feeling this abandonment after always being there for people , as I'm really looking at who I am after this situation, really makes me not trust people anymore and I feel like I'm losing my interest in being nice to others and caring for them.. can anyone relate.......