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Lilac

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Everything posted by Lilac

  1. Hi Sheiss, Thanks for responding, I'm glad there's something who understands what I went through and the need to have some "me" time to sort through feelings. I'm sorry to hear about your father. I hope you find more releases that can help you cope. Was your mother/friends understanding when you needed "me" time?
  2. I've noticed many of you have had to cut ties or friendships during these hard times, or at least had to cope w/friends who haven't stepped up to the plate with support.. Questions: 1. If you find your friends haven't been supportive, how do you cope w/this? 2. If you had to cut ties, do you feel hurt or you can easily move on since they hurt you? I'm trying to cut ties, but am having a hard time getting over being hurt.. I guess just knowing they hurt me wasn't enough to get over our friendship .. and I'm just trying to find tips or point of views that can help me through this, I don't want to keep thinking about it or feel hurt about it, although part of me feels I'm just concentrating on this to avoid feeling the pain of losing my father.. thanks.
  3. Hi, I feel the same way too, it's just tiring to do anything and I spend a lot of my day just thinking about my loved one.. try not to be too hard on yourself and understand this is just the grieving process.. I find I get worse when I'm hard on myself for not doing more in a day.. (i'm trying to find a job and beat myself up when I dont get much done in a day) The additional stress of being hard on yourself is just not necessary. Try to be positive and instead of saying "all I did was shower today" say "I showered today, that's good" Sometimes I make myself go out w/friends to get myself out of the house and forget about the grief for a short while, it definitely helps, or do small things that make u feel happy like eating a favorite meal, enjoying a nice hot shower, and try to keep positive, which I know is hard, but little by little I think it helps to at least change your perspective on the small things you DO accomplish everyday.
  4. Hi Chai, I can definitely relate to this, I feel the exact same way and I'm sorry you are going through the same thing.. I think we're never going to be the exact same person again after losing a loved one.. our lives are literally different and the way we see things from now on.. we didn't ask for this, but change comes whether we're ready for it or not.. and I think we're just very vulnerable because of our loss that we're afraid to reach out to others for fear of any sort of rejection cause anything is too strong for us to handle right now. Most ppl say that their 'friends' haven't been supportive, all the more reason to keep you yourself nowadays.. and I think that's ok, there's only so much you can handle that it's ok to feel you need to be by yourself and sort these feelings out w/o others barging in to give their two cents or make you feel worse. These events really force you to look at who you really are.. It's probably the last thing you want to even worry about now, but it's not necessarily a bad thing I'm finding out.. I always do what others want, please them and never acknowledge how I feel about anything to the point where I don't even KNOW what my opinion is on anything! I'm in the process of learning who I really am and I plan on growing from this experience.. Be your own best friend and try to not worry about others so much and just worry about you =) Do what's right for you and don't be hard on yourself, you have the right to feel like it's all about you right now and be ok w/the idea your feelings are confusing.. nothing really makes sense right now.. and there's nothing wrong w/that. This is a great site to find strength in discovering who you are or the new you, take care
  5. Erin, Thank you so much for your input, I appreciate it. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, that is a very recent loss.. I hope you have a strong support group to help you through your grief and don't experience what I have. Please take care and I hope you find peace like I have being a part of this forum.
  6. 2sweetgirls, Thank you so much for your support, thinking about the situation is just making me re-guess whether or not I was wrong to have left my mom, even if she said to, and said she's ok. I'm very grateful for your support. You're right, this is a wonderful site and I'm so glad there are people like you and the rest who can be here for each other. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through and I cannot believe your friend would text you.. especially knowing of your situation w/BOTH your parents!! I really cannot comprehend what goes on through people's minds.. i mean not even a phone call. To think she would even argue w/u via email instead of the phone (that's what's going on with me too) I'm so sorry to hear that and I'm glad you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and see that being her friend wasn't right for you
  7. Hi MartyT, Thank you for your input and I'm sorry for all the posts and comments.. I just felt so emotional I just needed to speak to someone. I guess because I always depended so much on how others perceive me, and other's approval, it really effects me how my best friend sees me. and I'm also very effected by what's considered "right" and "wrong." So her thoughts made me question if I did something bad to my family and I"m confused as to whether I did or not since my family says no, but she says yes.. If I truly did something wrong, I want to own up to it and fix it.. and I guess I'm just trying to get others input to see if what i did was wrong or right
  8. I get so angry when I see my dad's hospital on TV talking about all their special stories of how they've healed so many patients.. yet, refused to help my dad or try.. thanks a lot.. he even worked at that hospital, nice pay back huh? and cancer center of america, after instilling so much hope into me from their commercials, my 30 second phone call w/them shot me back down.. only out patients.. hello? don't ppl w/no hope come to this facility??!
  9. my mother's best friend came over with a huge bag of food for all of us that lasted for days. She sat around, talked, laughed, let my mom talk about whatever she wanted, and never changed the subject if she didn't want to.. my boyfriend flew from across the country to be w/me and do anything I couldn't.. like drive around, etc.. we both told them this wasn't necessary, but they, as friends/support, knew we weren't ourselves and did what they needed to to help us feel better, not just act like robots and leave all the responsibility and blame on us. just being there, knowing whats best in your heart for your loved one and letting them grieve how they want to, was absolutely precious to our family and I won't forget it.
  10. i cannot believe how insensitive people can be.. even if they don't understand how difficult it is for the grieving person, can't they just BE there for them, no fancy words of wisdom, just literally be there.. I don't understand.. its really not about THEM, so I just don't see why the people who are grieving have to grieve in silence, so others do not feel uncomfortable, etc. aren't we going through enough already, yet we also have to watch our words, not make people feel uncomfortable AND test all our friendships and deal w/the ones that aren't as real as you thought they were? unbelievable. My own friend of 13 years actually has been ignoring me and just recently wrote to me to judge me on how i handled things w/my family even though my family and I are fine and were fine w/what we decided to do as a family.. is that really necessary? really, how hard is it to be there for someone.. u dont have to think of the right things to say or anything, just be there..listen.. u can do that. help. u can do that.
  11. Thanks Erin, good to know I'm not the only one.. I've been reading a book called "the disease to please" to learn how to stop being such a doormat, so I can feel less like a victim
  12. It's scary to read so many posts regarding how thoughtless people can be, it's hard to see this is somewhat "typical." My best friend is actually ignoring me right now because she disagrees w/how I handled certain situations w/my family.. aka.. judging.. don't exactly know how that is her business and how she feels she can get angry at me for not doing what she thinks i should.. even though my entire family came to agreement w/everthing and is perfectly fine w/how things went down.. (she thinks they're lying.. um ok??) Only advice I can give you that I'm trying to do myself is to be your own best friend, and be there for yourself and not try to reach out to people who can hurt you..
  13. That's a great way of looking at things, anniversary closer to seeing your loved one
  14. have u always been a people pleaser or just recently?
  15. I've grown up as a people pleaser and a pretty much a doormat, taking care of others needs always before my own As one of my dad's primary caretakers, I became overwhelmed w/burnout as I was given a great deal of the responsibility of taking care of him as he was bedridden as well as errands, chores, etc.. Now my father's gone.. I'm on the edge of depression and my closest friends are not only, NOT supporting me but also being judgmental and critical about how long I stayed to take care of family matters until I flew home.. "disappointment" was a term they've used.. even though everything was worked out and agreed upon all my family members Always being there for them, I was counting on their sympathy and support, which they've only given to my mom and sister and could care less about my feelings.. feeling this abandonment after always being there for people , as I'm really looking at who I am after this situation, really makes me not trust people anymore and I feel like I'm losing my interest in being nice to others and caring for them.. can anyone relate.......
  16. I feel so lost.. tomorrow's my dad's three month anniversary.. he's the first death in the family for me and my sister.. I live across the country so I didn't spend as much time w/him .. when he got sick did I fly back and spent time w/him but his cancer grew so aggressively that he couldn't talk or see, we don't even know if he comprehended who we were.. it's heart breaking I feel like I haven't spoken to my dad in months and when he was going to leave, we couldn't talk to him about it or know if he was in pain or suffering or if hew as scared or angry.. now i'm back home and the pain's just getting worse and worse.. my friends are giving me crap about leaving my mom "too soon" even though she's handling it better than I am and was the one who told me I could go .. and I feel I have no one to talk to . Trying to get myself to do normal things, but I can't even look for a job now even though I really need one.. i dont know what to do
  17. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, your situation is very difficult, and I'm sorry you have to go through it, as if it wasn't hard enough not being there at the end to go through all this as well.. do you still live where you lived when your mother passed? I too came to this site due to "friends" not being there after so many years of being there for them, I've heard before unfortunately it's during crisis like these that they can't step up to the plate, which is horrible to have to deal w/that as well as your loss.. if you can, I'd really advise you to attend some support groups or some one on one counseling if you can.. I feel also alone and I also live far from my family which doesn't help matters. I hope you reach out and find the support you need, doesn't matter if they're strangers, they'll know so much more about your situation and can sympathize a lot better than "friends" who don't know what it's like, can. Even a friend of mine who had experienced a loss was showing insensitivity.. It's also hard, but I feel these situations do tend to make one really look at who they are.. which can be a good thing, and the one thing I'm learning is you really need to make yourself your own best friend and learn not to rely on others.. support's always good, but I think it also helps to learn to rely on yourself for comfort and understanding.. hang in there
  18. Hi Everyone, I'm new to this site as well as new to forums in general.. I lost my dad three months ago. This is my first encounter w/a death in my family and I feel so lonely, sensitive and vulnerable.. I've recently found myself in a bad situation w/my closest friends and don't know what to say/do, which brought me here. Any advice would be appreciated. I'll try to keep this short.. My family lives on the east coast and I've been living on the west coast w/my boyfriend for over four years. When my dad fell sick around 6 months ago, as I was laid off from work, I flew back home to help. I have a sister in her last semester of college who came home to help during the weekends. My mother doesn't drive, so it was up to me to run the errands/cook and take care of my father because my mother was so nervous and had me take care of my dad for the most part..she had to do something for my dad literally every thirty seconds, asking for my help whether it be questioning the angle of his pillow or convincing her he looks comfortable. A 15 minute turnover in bed could turn into an hour before satisfying my mom!! The only breaks I got occasionally was seeing my best friend for a few hours during the weekends if she was willing to take a break from studying. After my father passed away I stayed to help my mom, drive her where she needed to go, etc. my return date to the west coast was thought to be middle of may, when my sister would graduate and move home. I was planning on visiting the west coast for two weeks to get a break, because I reached the end of my rope months ago and just couldn't think anymore and was becoming depressed.. i wouldn't leave my bed till like 3pm, etc., I was useless. My boyfriend and I also missed each other so much, it was hard not having him around during this hard time. (he took two weeks off work to be w/me during and after funeral) so I thought it was a good idea and I'd return to the east coast in better condition to help my mom, for graduation and then fly back to the west coast. My boyfriend offered to buy me my plane ticket. The next day, my mom told me she wanted to go on a family vacation after sister's graduation, but had to be pushed to mid June, an extra month, cause she had plans..I was getting nervous staying longer because my unemployment was running out and I'll have to start looking for work soon.. anyway, my mom's a very strong and practical person. She told me instead of wasting money flying back and forth from west coast, to east coast, to our vacation spot that I should just stay on the west coast until vacation (a month and a half instead of two weeks) since my sister said it didn't matter to her if i stay for graduation cause she didn't feel like walking anyway.. I did not agree w/this, I felt guilty leaving my mother but she said she was fine. She is EXTREMELY stubborn. Still not in agreement, I told her that we should stick to the plan, and just use the two weeks I'd be on west coast as a trial period for her to see how she feels being alone.. and if she didnt feel comfortable, I said I'd fly back and stay w/her until vacation time, then my sister will be back home again. So I packed up my stuff and did as much as I could for her before I left. Connected her w/a counselor if she needed it. I called her everyday while I was away to see how she was doing and she honestly was doing pretty well. She was going out w/friends, taking care of the house, etc. and told me she didnt feel like she needed me to come home cause she felt fine. I was finally getting to grieve back in Cali, so it's been tough for me, since now I dont have anyone to take care of but myself .. and I have to find a job.. Now here's the problem.. before I left, I got into an argument w/my childhood best friend of 13 years (literally something stupid, we were supposed to meet up one night and we didn't end up due to miscommunication ) I wanted to see her before I left, I wanted to talk to her about this, but she literally told me via email she wasn't in the mood to discuss this w/me even though I told her i was crying n was leaving and she's been ignoring me since. I felt abandoned and so confused how she'd ignore me over something that trivial. She even called my mom and my sister to see how they were doing. About a month later she finally decides to email me and told me how she didn't feel it was right of me to leave my mom so early after my father's passing (around two months), that even if I felt overwhelmed I should've just stuck it out for my mom. Even if I just sat there, it would help my mom. "what's another 3 months?" and she thought my boyfriend was being manipulative by purchasing a one way ticket, thereby making my mother 'feel bad' and making her tell me to stay in order to save money (I find out later by the way it WAS a round trip ticket and my mom the whole time thought it was a round trip ticket, I was the only one who was mistaken) she also said he manipulated me by telling me how much he missed me and talked about what we can do when i'm back to help me feel good again (shopping, eating out, etc) now, my boyfriend and I know very well how difficult this situation is on both of us (he became depressed at home by himself for so long) and I told him, even when we have to do what we have to do, I still want us to be able to express our feelings.. why would we want to keep that in and make it more difficult ? If my mom were in a bad condition he wouldn't want me to leave.. he even said if I decided to move back to the east coast he'll move back w/me. There was also a time when I was angry at my sister and jealous because I felt like she got to "get away" by going back to school, having a boy friend and a huge support group and getting her mind off things w/school. I didn't get to have that, I was there literally almost 24/7 w/no break..my life was on hold.when she came home we had asked her to take care of ONE thing and she was annoyed we don't do it since we're home all the time, so i vented my frustration to my friend and said something along the lines of at least when i go back home, all this can be dumped on my sister and she'll have no choice but to help out with no excuses. I said this out of anger and frustration between my friend and I, and I was very aware it was just out of frustration.but my friend told me I was wrong to think that way and that her school work is important and it was right of her to not take the semester off to help out. (but totally fine of me to be out of work, etc) My boyfriend also worked it out to work from home the two weeks I was home so he could help me adjust and be there for me to grieve, which I thought was so nice of him.. my friend, on the other hand thought if he did that why didnt he just fly back to the east coast to be w/me so my mother wouldn't be alone (the point of the trip was for ME to get AWAY so I can finally have time to myself and sort my feelings out) So that was basically her email about how disappointed she is in me and how manipulative she finds my boyfriend.. I spoke to my mom about this and she told me, why on earth would I lie to u? You're my daughter, you'd be the last person I'd hide my feelings from, I'm really fine, if I wasn't fine, I'd take u up on your offer to fly back that you've told me about every day since you've been gone, but I don't need it.. why is your friend so bothered by this if as a family, we're all in agreement to this and I, as your mother, came up w/the idea, not you? You even said you didn't want to leave me.. so what is the problem? Why is she making this harder on you for no reason? My sister also didn't have an issue w/me leaving.. I'm just appalled by how insensitive my friend is being, she obviously cares more about my mom and sister's feelings and seems like she has absolutely no care whatsoever on how hard this has been on me.. its ok for me to put my life on hold, but not ok to put my sister's or anyone else's.. just mine. she doesn't have her story right, but even so, for her to just judge me w/o talking to me about it and not giving me the benefit of a doubt hurts.. I'm a very giving person, to the point of being a doormat and never thinking of my own needs.. and the first time I'm really unable to take care of myself, for once thinking of my needs, because I desperately needed it, she nails me back into the ground w/guilt.. She makes it look like I'm abandoning my mom when shes begging me to stay or something. I've always been there for my friends and family and I feel this time around I really need their support, and I feel like they've abandoned/turned against me.. I'm so hurt by what she says, I don't even know what to say to her because I feel she won't care about my point of view, just hers. Why doesn't she think "I've known my best friend for so many years and know who she is, she must have been really hurting for her to feel the need to leave for two weeks." I tried talking to friend of ours, who also lost her father years ago, and she also told me how very disappointed she was in me for leaving but she didn't want to talk about it because it shouldn't matter what she feels and she told me to drop it even though I told her i wasn't comfortable not talking about it with her! I know what happens between my family is our own personal business but I can't help but feel so hurt by how my friends feel about me and not give me the benefit of a doubt and would just think so poorly of me .. and not even talk to me bout it first.. they're so angry at something that's a family issue, they're acting as if I wronged them or something.. it was already a hard enough decision to leave and they're just making me feel horrible even though the person they're worried about is fine and has support (mom).. my sister comes home still every weekend, and I trust my mother's feelings.. i mean I've been home for six months, my life has literally been on hold , does that not mean anything? I even told her my friend I felt no one cared about my feelings or how hard its been on me .. Now I'm trying to find work again, and trying to grieve and trying to cope w/how my friends are treating me.. i just feel so alone.. I'm so thankful to have a caring boyfriend who's been trying to keep me positive throughout all this. I just can't believe they'd act this way. I have no problems w/people disagreeing w/my actions and having their own opinions, but how could you get mad at me for not listening to them or doing what you want me to do especially if you're not in the situation and have no idea what goes on between me and my family.. they're telling me how my mother truly feels as if they know better than I do or my own mother..I always feel guilty putting my feelings above others, and this time for once, i thought it was warranted after what Ive been through, but I've been told by my own friends basically my feelings don't matter at all and I'm here to be for my family and feeling any other way is wrong and disappointing.. I know it shouldn't matter, but I've always been there for them, how could they be so insensitive.. I mean, I know my mother lost her husband.. I KNOW that's harder than my situation, and I've been trying my best to help her.. but I also lost a father........ doesn't that mean anything? How can people so close to you be so damn mean? When they do things I disagree w/, I tell them gently and if they don't listen, I still support them cause they are my friend....... how can they be so mean when I've just lost my father.. i feel this is a different anger than feeling angry at ppl who don't keep in touch enough w/a grieving person, these ppl actually turned against me....
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