just one more hug

Schnibley....In my thoughts and prayers....you will be ok...In encouraging others, I encourage myself...lets not let each other down....They say when one door closes...another opens....your door will open by the grace of God...we just don't know when...Just never give up...and come here as often as you can...these people will help lift you up....Peace and Love....Carol

Wow..to be blessed with such a gift...God gives...God takes...and God gives back....so happy for your wonderful gift...Carol

Bill and I talked about this very subject more than once. We decided that who ever went first would be held in waiting for the other. Our Son requested to keep his Dad's ashes and has them in a beautiful bamboo box at his home. He chose bamboo because of the love Bill had for the islands and just plain tropical weather. My two daughters, two grandaughters and myself had small amounts of his ashes incorporated into heart lockets. Don't know how they do it but they are really beautiful.. they look like opaque stone with just a hint of color,and now Bill goes everywhere with me....When I am called to join him....our ashes will be mingled together and the children will toss them to the wind in some beautiful spot chosen by them. It's a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong. I requested that if I went first my ashes would be held in a whimsical silver cocktail shaker I have. Children promised to honor the request....they understand my sense of humor...and I don't even drink. Not trying to make light of this subject..it's just that talking about it made it easier to know, when the time came, what would be done. Whatever makes you feel comfort is the best thing for you to do. At this point it's all up to you...no one else. If it comforts you, by all means...the hayfield or goat pasture sound perfect...YOU know what he would want....just take the time you need....To all of you wondering now what to do...just follow your heart..who cares at this point what anyone else thinks???.....Love to all of you....Carol

Oh Mary....it's now 12:45 am...just read your post...wish I could give you a hug right now...since I can't....just sending up a prayer that tomorrow will be more gentle to you. My day was up and down also. Two days shy of six months...It was such a beautiful day I put the garage doors up and swept up a little....there sat Bill's work boots. I picked them up and tossed them in the trash....pick up is tomorrow. My daughter stopped after work and I asked her to take the trash can to the curb so I would not be tempted to get the boots out...she said she had to look at them once more...lifted the lid...touched each one..tears falling....and left them at the curb. My other daughter called on her way home from work and I told her what I had done...with regret. She was at my door in ten minutes...boots in hand. She lovingly placed them where Bill always left them. She said she could not imagine yet to come to the back door and not see those boots there. We held each other and knew it was not time....for either of us. She called her sister and and we all cried.....happy the boots were in their place again. I am exhausted from all the emotions...but feel a strange comfort knowing those boots are so meaningful to my girls (and to me} and that they are back where they belong.......for now. Sounds like a silly thing...but...all part of the journey I guess. Anyway....my heart is with you...your feelings are mine also...Perhaps it's because we each had a "BILL" that I am always touched by your posts. You echo so much of what is in my broken heart...yet your very next post can show so much strength......we are going to be ok....Love and hugs to you.......Carol

Mary....Traces of You...Did you write that??? Oh how beautiful...tears well up and my breath catches in my throat but I have to read it again...and again. How we always found each other's hand..through trial and joy...speaks the real meaning of love....my heart thanks you for posting it.....Carol

Our lives are better left to chance....better to miss the pain....or the dance???? I keep repeating myself..sorry...but keeps me going....would rather go through this pain than to have missed the dance of life I had with Bill. I will survive and we will dance again...... Nats....loved the words in your post....hit me in the heart...Carol

Suzanne....just brings to mind another song I got from KC awhile back and I have it on my PC..play every day...It reminds me of the vacation Bill and I took to Paradise Island and we danced under the stars one night...The words have so much meaning for everyone I think...."Our lives are better left to chance....I could have missed the pain...but I'd of had to miss the dance"......and that memory lives in my my heart and I would not have wanted to miss that "dance".....it was magical...and so beautiful to remember....We do go on..we breathe...we survive....we live....because we have to....no matter how much we wish for things to be as they were before our loss ...I think we would all do it over again...rather than miss that "dance" of life we had together..with it's ups and downs..the good things and the bad..nothing was always perfect...it was just written that way and we followed the script ...to the end. One day there will be a new start together....that will last forever...never to part again.....Would I do it all over again....you bet......in a heartbeat...If we knew the ending of everything... we'd never do anything. Just a thought....Peace to your heart....Carol

Lucia....Thank you for sharing...can't wait for that day...not even six months and seems like forever since I saw that face and those beautiful brown eyes...I just know Bill is with me and waiting for me to join him when it's my time. However long it takes...it will be wonderful once again. Carol

Cheryl.....Did get a kick out of your project...at the same time...through tears at just the mention of Ace Hardware...I'm right there with you...Ace was Bill's favorite haunt...To this day I have been unable to go there. Whenever I have needed anything from there I send my son or grandson to pick it up for me. My son said everytime he goes in..the cashier still has to give him a hug and tell him how they miss his Dad. That would take me to my knees so have another "first" I will have to face one day. Thank you for helping me release some of the tears I have been fighting all weekend...funny how the mention of a place like Ace brings on the pain of our loss...and at the same time to know someone else feels the same pain...we are not alone after all. Even though it made me cry...thanks for your post....thinking of you and your hurting heart...I feel the same pain....Love.....Carol

I wish I had not read this post. Brings me to the bottom of the pit again...yet..some of your words...(Mary)..The human condition does not include perfect...and Becky....so many of yours....I insisted Bill get a certain test...He did not want to...long story short...Dr. said less than 1% chance something would go wrong...It did..and I lost my husband...I live with that every day since...The results of that test put us in hell for five months...He fought so hard and was actually improving....I was with him 24/7 sometimes 48 hrs without sleep....but could not leave him....He came home after many days in ICU and as luck would have it....again....he died from something he contacted from his hospital stay ...a horrible and painful death. The test was not what killed him...but his death was the result of doing it in the first place...placed him in harms way...How do I ever overcome this feeling of "If only I had not made that appointmenmt"...???? I did get to be with him..hold him everyday and we expressed our love to each other over and over...I know in my heart he would never place blame on me.....but it still eats at me. They say God has a plan for each of us....and everything goes according to that plan....so...I continue to try and forgive myself...and to know something out of my hands directed this outcome. I must live with that...missing him every second of every day....while trying my best to keep moving forwrd. My heart goes out to each of you....we share so much...Carol

Dwayne...So sorry you have to be tossed back and forth with health problems. I am saying an extra prayer for you and ask that you make sure your health care providers are keeping a close watch on the C-Diff. I'll not go into detail and this is not a medical site...but I know first hand the effect it can have on a body. It's wicked. Just a heads up. It matters not if our pain is physical or our hearts and spirit are sore from grief...we are here for each other to comfort and aid however we can. Take care....don't settle for less...I wish you the very best....God Bless.....Carol PS...Not offering medical advice...not my intention..... just concern and compassion for your health...

Cheryl.....You brought me to tears..but also gave me hope.....God Bless....Carol

Earl...I loved your story. Can just picture the shopping cart full of the 400# deer...the anticipation of the trio pushing the cart toward you and how your heart must have skipped a beat when you saw them. Too sweet for words......You truly are lucky to have these special people in your life. Enjoy the view!!!! Carol PS...Thanks for unknowingly uplifting me this afternoon

Brian's reply to Cheryl struck a cord in me....Can anyone explain why it is I feel guilty if I start to feel happy???..It's awful sometimes...not always but it just hits at the oddest moments...anyone else have those feelings at times??? It makes me very sad and takes the good feeling away in the blink of an eye...Because I am here and he is not??? Trying to overcome it...sure not what Bill would want for me...a guilt trip...Carol

I also have all Bill's things still in his closet and drawers...My children encouraged me to keep everythign as is until I feel the time is right. Gives me comfort seeing that shirt hanging on the door and something really silly...his towel still hangs on the hook in the bathroom. Not fooling myself....just feels good...Do not have the courage to donate his stuff...would make me feel like I was throwing him out...but perhaps in time...Mary...I like the idea of the shirt for a smock..like a hug from above right???

Thinking of you today on Mike's birthday....and sending you love...hope your day brings good memories

I am learning it takes "guts" to take the first step to anything...and surprised to find I have more than I thought I did. Have always been head strong and determined til struck down by grief. Turned me into a pile of self doubt and fear. Finding the fight is still in me...just harder to get out...Can't stop trying...one step at a time...Carol

My positive for today...Dr. office just called....My mammogram was normal...Dreaded having it done..hardest part..walking into that hospital where we spent so many dark days...took all I had to walk in there...Guess God still wants me around for some reason.... Dear friend dealing with husbands serious health problems...She loves Peanut Butter Pie...found on menu at local eatery..brought her a piece yesterday...she was over the moon...Such a small thing ..yet brought a huge smile to her face...something she does not do often these days...to see an old and dear friend smile...a positive for sure..... Carol

Happy anniversary to you Dwayne and Pauline.....thinking of you...Carol

Kat....Amen....Beautiful thought....Carol

Becky...I share your pain and feeling of waiting for something....anything....but it never happens. I look down at my left hand...at my wedding rings..and then I feel he is near me....as he always was...I will never take them off...And the feeling of him coming through that door again....We have a small crow..kind of like a puppet that Bill picked up one day... we have had it forever I think....and it sits on the dryer in the laundry room...right next to the back entry door. Every time Bill came through that door he would press on the crow's bill and it would let out this loud CAW CAW...like a real crow. My signal he was home . Do you have any idea how many times in my mind I would will that thing to CAW...telling me he was home???? Well...it never has and never will again...just one of those silly things we remember. And I just noticed...I said WE and not I....thats just the way it is. After almost 5 months to the day my heart still aches for what was...take your time...God will lead us to where we are supposed to go...like a mountain we are forced to climb...and I have always feared high places...so I fear this mountain...but I'll keep climbing...and so will you.....I'll keep you in my prayers...and this site can be your life line on that climb....Peace to your heart and God bless...I stand in your shoes...Carol

Earl....Didn't I tell you these people were wonderful??? I am so in agreement with you about that reunion we look forward to one day. And I repeat again the saying I love....If I die before you do...I'll go to Heaven and wait for you....knowing my Bill...he will be right at the gate trying to elbow St Peter out of the way..I mean no disrespect there....I just know Bill....and how much he loves me....endless love......for each other.... I have surprised myself even after this short time in some things I never thought I could do by myself...only wanting to honor his memory and make him proud of me...day by day. This weekend is going to be another first ..one of many...some accomplished better than others...This weekend our small community hosts what is called Taste of the Northside. Fashioned after Taste of Chicago. It was something we so looked forward to...all our neighbors and friends..and all the restaurants we haunted together... featuring the dishes we used to order...It was one of Bill's favorite summer events...he was such a people person and seems everyone was drawn to him...little did he realize how much he was loved by so many. Needless to say...I will skip it this year opting for my now staple of PBJ...I am moved to tears without warning and I know what seeing all these people would do to me. Maybe next year. Maybe!.... God has a plan.....and tells us He has everything under control....Faith is hard...like grief....just ask my heart.....Carol

Cheryl...as with Susie Q...I too dread the overwhelming prospect of years ahead without Bill...you give me hope... thank you...Carol

PS...You are so right....in a better place???..A better place for Bill would be right back here with me!!!! Selfish???.... Maybe...but that is what my heart wants...and that is what makes it so hard....Carol

Earl...Welcome to the club none of us here wanted to join....however...you will find the most wonderful and understanding peolpe on earth right here on this board...We are all on this lonely journey to some kind of healing...mine..the loss of my husband of 54 years this past March. Your thoughts echo so many of my own and you are so correct....unless you have walked in our shoes..felt the pain in our hearts and the feeling of ALONE and NEVER AGAIN...there is no real understanding...even with all the good intentions. Be thankful though that you do have support....as I do....as some not as lucky as we are...and have no one. You will be amazed at the people you meet here...you can feel free to express your every emotion...without judgment...I come here every day...sometimes just to read...sometimes to post steps forward...other times to tell of falling into that dark place we hate to visit..someone always understands...and they will let you know you are not alone....we do understand ....we are right where you are....Peace to your heart....wish you didn't have to be here...but not our choice....day by day...hour by hour...however we can make it....Carol