Eve

Hi Lilac I am wondering the same thing and the only conclusion I can come to is that some people don't know how to comfort. My sister passed away in another country last month and although I am back at work and back to my normal routine, I still get really depressed when I am alone. She died after fighting cancer for two years, and in the last week of her life I cried a lot and my boyfriend was there for me (kind of -- he works very late). Three weeks after she died I was still crying sporadically. One day, when it hit me again that I would never see her again I had a little breakdown where I was crying and trembling and my bf who up to that point was somehwat comforting dragged me out of bed and told me firmly that I needed to 'get out of this mode' and 'cheer up'. He then said when he got back from work he would be there to hug and kiss me, and then he left. We had a massive argument the next day and we didn't speak for 5 days (we live together) and I am still feeling really hurt and angry at his approach. I tried to explain to him that all I need is a little understanding and 'no judgment' but he didn't try to understand. This is a man that I am deeply in love with. My supposed 'best friend' has also all but ignored me in all this. After my sister died, I called her, and then she didn't follow up with a call until 3 weeks later when she asked if I wanted to come to a 'girls' weekend out' - when I told her that was the weekend when my sister will be buried she didn't even express an interest in attending the funeral. In addition, no one in that particular circle has even called me. It seems that most of the people who have been the most supportive are friends from my childhood (who I kept in touch with), colleagues and acquaintances. I don't know what to do actually. I feel alienated from my boyfriend and my friend.

Dear Thomas I know this was posted a month ago. If I'd known about this forum I would have responded earlier. I don't know if things are ok now with you or your girlfriend. I see on your last post that you are taking some space from each other (?). I think I am in a position to comment because since my sister died the same things have been happening between me and my boyfriend; and reading your story has allowed me to understand what he was going through and why we had a massive argument last week. Following my sister's death last month, I haven't really been able to concentrate on anything else in my life but my grief and the arrangements that come with a death (funeral etc.). I haven't been able to nurture my relationships either - with my friends or my boyfriend. Losing a loved one is such an overwhelming sense of loss that you don't feel quite yourself. I haven't excercised or eaten healthily since she died. I feel like a part of me has died. It is just since last week that I have settled into my normal routine. It is very hard to understand it when you are not going through it - I know you know that. You seem like a very thoughtful young man, my thoughts are with you and her as you go through this difficult situation. My suggestion is to bear it out while it lasts (and it could last very long). I realize now that what is really needed in a time of grief is 'friendship', not a romantic relationship. My bf and I had a huge fight last week because he couldn't understand what I was going through and I thought he was insensitive with me (he didn't mean to). We live together so 'taking space' is not really an option. Keep strong.