fem27syd

Thanks for this post Marty. I'd been thinking of doing pretty much the same thing... and it's good to read that someone else thinks it might be a good idea, and also give some suggestions on how to go about it. Thanks!

Hi Paul, just wanted to say ...it's never too late to do grief work. My life just kept going after my parents deaths ....I finished high school, got my first job, studied at Uni, fell in love ... but never really accepted that my folks weren't coming back. It wasn't until last year that I took myself off to get some counseling after being parentless for nearly a decade! I found counseling plus finding this site and doing my own grief work has started to help me even after so many years. It's hard work but I'm glad to hear you are grieving for your dad even 11 years later. I reckon it's never too late to start healing. x hopeful

Dear Cari, Your Father sounds like an amazing, generous, funny and strong willed man and you sound like a wonderful, caring daughter. I think that just from reading the way you have written about him. I'm sure you were the best daughter ever for your father and that he was very proud of you as a musician and teacher also. I think you're right in thinking that all your experiences are normal. Keep venting here and in any other safe place you can. Make sure you have moments where you don't have to be the strong one who keeps it all together. Keep coming here and tell your family that you need those moments too. I believe acknowledging your grief and it's importance in your life is a good way to start healing and adjusting to your new life without your Dad. I too had a very strong willed Father. When my Dad got cancer for the second time they gave him 3 months to live. He lived for more than 2 years instead. Most of that time without any medication or treatment. He started meditating daily, changed his diet, retired, travelled around the outback with friends where he drank red wine and slept under the stars. He played a round of golf on his best ever handicap the week before he died. I was in my early teens at the time and we only talked a couple of times about when he wouldn't be here anymore. Most of the time we were like a normal teenage daughter and father and got frustrated and cranky with each other. I really didn't think he would die. The length of time you have with someone knowing that they are sick doesn't make it easier when they're gone. It's just a different kind of grieving with it's own issues. Personally I can't imagine what it would be like or how hard it would be to lose my parents suddenly. It just shows how even though we are all grieving losing a parent or grandparent how individual every ones experience and grief is, and yet how similar the loss can be. Thankfully we can all empathise and support each other here. Thinking of you x hopeful

Dear Hans, Your above quote really hit the nail on the head for me. I have been parentless since i was 17... And i think losing your biggest fan is a change that people don't really understand unless it's happened to them personally. We do change, and we won't be ourselves. How can we be without our number 1 fan!? All i know is somehow I'm still here 10 years later even though the people who made me aren't. I miss just knowing that there is a person on the planet that has an undying, unconditional love for me in the way only a parent can. Sometimes I feel like how can anybody ever know the full me when they never met my folks? It's teary stuff and near impossible to get your head around at times but you are not alone. much love and hugs hopeful

Hello All, Hopsing, I just wanted to add that I think I've had the experience you are describing on many occasions and have found that re-experiencing the same sensations, thoughts, emotions and disbelief of that first moment, terribly painful and sad each time. It has been 12 years since my dad died and 10 years since mum died. I also know that I have those moments because of the love I have for my parents and the love they had for me... and the re-occurring feelings wouldn't be as strong and fresh if i didn't miss them and love them more than I could ever describe. Personally I don't believe your experience is a relapse as such (even though you must feel awful and scared to be feeling the same way as you did a year and a half ago), but that it is more likely a natural progression of your grief. You probably won't have to re-do all the coming to terms with your loss that you may have done in the last year and a half. Your pain and loss may just need to come to the forefront for a while. Unfortunately our losses aren't going away so either is our grieving. It's all part of how we keep surviving and healing. wishing you love and hugs x hopeful

Hi SueSue, I think feeling or knowing that your mum dying was possibly avoidable is one of the hardest things. I feel similar about some of the diagnoses and medical treatment surrounding both my parents deaths to cancer. My mums doctor failed to pick that her already terminal breast cancer had spread to her lungs and instead treated her for a regular sore throat. My dad had survived bowel cancer and was having regular check ups, which were gradually being spaced further apart, when he was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. This was 12 years ago for dad and 10 years ago for mum. I was still a teenager when they died and many details about their illnesses were not given to me at the time. Consequently over the years with each new bit of information or just from thinking back on their illnesses and deaths as I got older, i believe i have grieved afresh for each new "if only" or "what if?". ...What if we demanded more regular check ups for dad? What if mum wasn't so worried about dad and got diagnosed before it was too late for her? What if everyone was more educated about cancer back then? What if i wasn't a kid and could have done something? I guess what i am trying to say is that i think as well as grieving for my loss as a daughter, and the loss for the world without them, and for them knowing their lives were cut short, there is also a kind of grieving for the waste of it all, the hopelessness, and the unknown of all the "if onlys" and "what ifs". ...These thoughts just by themselves have taken up a good many teary nights for me of their own accord and i think, like grieving because of how much you miss your mum, they also deserve whatever time and grieving they need as well. ....In other words... I'd say give those thoughts about your mum's treatment their own time and space when they need it however painful it might be as pushing them aside (like bottling up any emotions) might prove more harmful. My guess is venting about it here is a good place to start. Hope I've made some kind of sense I am still trying to work through all this stuff as i write it... but I wish your mum and dad were still here for you and mine were here for me too. take care xoxox