Dwaynecg

Hi Everyone, Anne, while I think marijuana could help with any pain you may have. I do not think the smoke would do you any good. It is a double edge sword. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I am doing fine. Getting around 42-43 hours a week now, mostly in the ER at night. I am so amazed who I was given this gift, to take a person who has OD on something, and tears come flowing out. I tell them MY story and how I got were I am at, and it could be me in that bed, but Someone had other plans for me. I pray for them and with them.They tell me I give them HOPE! I Love you all very much, and miss my time on here. Harry it was a cooker on Sunday, but I was working after church. I wish you well my friend, and someday that house will not feel empty anymore. Kay I love you and will call you soon. I miss our calls. Take care. God Bless, Dwayne

Hello Everyone, It has been months scene I have posted. I come on and read the posts and my heart and prayers are with all of you, as each take your own journey down this road of grief. It was 35 years ago yesterday that I met the love of my life. My best friend, soul mate. I did not grieve for her lose, yesterday. I remembered all the good times and the fun and laughter we use to have. I worked in the ER last night and got so much joy out helping others in need, and yes I was able to tell some about Pauline and my, life together. The gift she gave me after to move forward in my life, and studies. My positive is I live my life now, but never to forget what I lost in her. It is written that, He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. God Bless, to all, Dwayne

Dear Mary, That was a wonderful piece you posted. As a long term care giver. I mean 11 years I started cutting back on my working hours to take care of Pauline. She went in a wheel chair in 1999. I gave all I am and all I was to provide the best care for her I could. Like you I would not change one thing. As the years went by, my work hours went down until I knew I had to be home 24/7 with her. In 2008 I made a gross income of just over $9,000. In 1999 my gross income was over $40,000. I know what it takes to feel the pain of loss of income while caring for your loved one.Our Faith in the Lord pulled us though the hard times. It took a toll on me, but once again my Faith has healed me from the inside out. I am still healing everyday, but I know I am in good hands. I can smile, laugh, enjoy a sunrise in the mornings. Do I still have a hole in my heart for Pauline? You bet I do. Learning to start over is the hardest part. God Bless, Dwayne

At age 57, I do not know if I will ever find love again. Surely not the same true LOVE that Pauline and I have. Do I want to travel though the rest of my life alone? No I do not think I do. I believe the Lord brought Pauline and I together for a reason. I know now why, so if, and when He places someone else before me, I will know. I walk by my faith, and trust in where it leads me. I worked 10 hours yesterday, and a young lady in her early 40's was hitting on me, as I took her hand to check her ID. It is not ethical for me to respond to her in the same way. I had a job to do, and that was what I their to do. Inside it felt good, outside I could show her no other emotions, than my job required. So like many of you on here, I would like someone to share life with again, God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Anne, Pauline, also passed on a Friday afternoon, and also she donated her body to science. The problem turned out to be was that when she and I made the dissection to donate in 1996, they would come to our home and pick her up. But as living in Massachusetts, laws changed and they could only go to a hospital or a nursing home, not a private home any more. As you know, time is of the assents, tissues are only viable for 24 hours. The Hospice nurse made phone call after call to funeral homes to see if anyone could take Pauline to Boston. I called one of Pauline's primate friends, who's husband had a funeral home before, and she gave me a number to call. They came about 7:30 PM and picked Pauline up and took her right up to Boston. She wanted to others, even in death, and that is what she has done. Just like your Jim.God Bless,Dwayne

Hi to All, I to laid and held Pauline after she passed, until the phone rang. I was holding her and talking to her before her passing. I staid with her until the hospice nurse came. I help her with Pauline, and she saw so much love, that she went into the kitchen and was crying. My sister-in law ask what was wrong, she said nothing, she had never been to a home where a man loved his wife so much it showed in the care I was giving and always talking to her, as we took care of her. It is the same at my job in the hospital. I hold people's hand and calm them down so I can do my work. I got called for stat labs on a young man in his twenty's. As I went into his room he was crying and shaking in pain. I had to do cultures times 2 and 7 tubes to draw. No way was it going to happen the way he was. I got everything ready, talking to him all the time. The I just took his hand and it was like the Holy Spirit use me to calm him down. In just a couple minutes the shaking stopped and the tears dried. I did the draws, and after he, thank me for easing his pain, and making him more comfortable. The human touch, compassion, and listening is something we all need. God Bless, to All Dwayne " I believe sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go, but it is learning to start over "

Dear Harry, Skin Hunger! That is what I have the hardest part of grief to deal with. I know Pauline is with me all the time. Some nights, I hear her breathing next to me, feel the warmth of her body, but as I turn to hold her again , all those are gone. I long so much to have that human touch of her again. We were and still are one soul, one beating heart, so close together, I knew her thoughts before she spoke them. Soul mates, Best friends, nothing we could never talk about, no secrets ever kept. The same as you and Jane, and many others on here. At my job I see many people every day. Sometimes I can share with them about Pauline, and my new start in life. When I come home I still feel comfort, but long for her touch. I like you when looking in the mirror see a man who is tatter and torn, by thistle, and thorn, but when Doctors, and nurses who had seen Pauline and I just before she passed, and just after her passing, they see a strong healthy man, looking so much better. That are their words to me. So who do I really see in the mirror, the man under the skin? I think so.God Bless, My Friend,DwayneIt has been said, TIME HEALS all WOUNDS. I do not agree. The WOUNDS remain. In TIME the MIND protecting its SANITY, cover them with scar tissue, and the PAIN LESSENS, but is NEVER GONE.!!!!! ROSE KENNEDY

Dear Harry, You know I am a Christian, so I will not even talk about my Faith. Just LOVE. That one of a kind True Love, that so many people chase day after day, and never seem to find it. I found it with Pauline, You found it with Jane. They were our Best friends, that we could talk about anything and everything with. They were our Soul Mates, no one else could ever replace the very deep connection we had with them. Our Spirits and Souls became intertwined as on. We would know what the other one was going to say before the words were even spoken. I could be Hundreds of miles from Pauline. I would know when she was needed help at home, or that she would call. Then my phone would ring, I would answer " HI BABE " . That is something real. It does not end after they pass. I agree. Grief is hard, as you said some go from one extreme to another. The balance is in the middle somewhere. I long to hold Pauline in my arms again, but I know that will not happen now. I still feel her with me though, in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul. I am sure Pauline is smiling down at what I have achieved in my life after her passing, and I still, continue to move forwards on the path that I was chosen for so many years ago. To give care to those in need. I wish You Peace and Comfort, my Dear Friend, God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Kay, When we have found, that true love, our sole mate, best friend, the person, who's spirit, and soul, became as one with us, after they pass away, that part stays in our spirit and soul until we join them again. I have dreams of Pauline, that are so real, I here her breathing, I can smell her sweetness, I feel the warmth of her body next to mine. As I wake I know it was a dream, or maybe an angel sent from Heaven to give comfort. Oh how I long to hold her in my arms again. I believe it is at those times in my sleep, that I still have parts of her soul and spirit intertwined with mine. At those moments I have, peace in my heart and soul. God Bless, My dear friend, Dwayne

Dear Jan, I agree with Kay. Pauline and I both made a decision in 1996 to donate our bodies to sciences, no matter which one of may have passed first. We always knew it would be Pauline, because of the progressive type of MS she had. After she passed, her bodies was taken to a medical school in Boston, MA. I live in Somerset MA. It was a little over a year later they sent her ashes back. I ordered a really nice heart shaped pendant made for ashes and filled it along with a small Victorian green bottle, that Pauline had bought for some of her ashes for me to keep. The on the 17 day of May of this year, I graduated from nursing school, came home, now this was a Thursday, and a fine sunny day, and scatter the rest of her ashes in the back yard. The is a real nice island area with trees, and ivy vines, we have laid to rest our first little dog Cassie, and Pauline' helping hands monkey that passed from a stomach virus a couple years before she did. May 17, was the day I met her in Kansas, I was from the mountains of Colorado and Pauline was from Fall River Massachusetts. I read a passage out of my Bible in Hebrews. Of course I cried my eyes out. It took me over a year what most persons done soon after the loss of their loved one. That night at Thursday night service, our Pastor was reading from the same chapter of Hebrews, I had just read over Pauline ashes. That is why my faith is so strong. Pauline is always with me in my heart and soul, but also I have some of her with all the time. You will find peace with Pete being around you, in your home. I hope that this can, bring you some peace, and comfort. God Bless, Dwayne

Jan, Part of being a long time caregiver, I am talking about 5 years or more. I even quite my job of 27 years to care for Pauline, for what turned out to be her last 2 1/2 years of her life. I was only working about 5 hours a day anyway, and could leave work anytime I needed to. I was up at 4: 00 AM and to bed around 11:30 PM . What I did not know is that I thought I was fine. After Pauline passed, and I got over the first round of being sick, I wound up in the hospital, and had to have an operation. As it turned out it was done on Pauline's 5 month date she passed. As they were waking me up in the recovery room, the last thing I had seen was Pauline's face, Happy, Healthily, and Smiling. It was a true gift from God, to show me she was alright an waiting until it is my time to join her. Many times after that I have heard her voice, felt her in bed next to me, I could even her breathing. I know we are still connected in our spirit, and soul. So yes I walk, and live by my Faith, I have seen first hand how it has impacted our lives from day one. Again I am not telling you not to look into other types of beliefs, whatever you find makes you comfortable is up to you. I wish, and pray, you will find peace and comfort in your heart and soul, after all that is what we are all here for. Grief is so different for everyone, we all go through at our own pace. Please, just take it easy for now until your brain gets back into sink, and your body has time to heal, all the rest will come in its own time, as you become ready for the next step. Grief is a path we all here are on, we walk one step at a time. It is also like being on an ocean, sometimes the water is calm, then a great storm blows up, and you get tossed all over, deep under the water, where light hardly shines, you are so sure you will never make back to the light and the air you breath again. Then the waters calm, and there you are back up in the sunlight feeling the warmth of the sun warming you again. We have all been though this many times, but as we journey down our path. These waves get less, we find ways to handle them when they do hit, HOV is a great place for that. Local support groups are also another great place for help with grief. Me I help people in my church one on one who have lost loved ones with their grief. I get 10 more than I give although, they really like my support and what I can offer them. I tell everyone the best thing you can do is to talk about no matter how much it may hurt. The more you talk about your loss of Pete, the more times you tell your story, you heal bit by bit. I have talked to so many people, as I walk along the water, here where I live, I find most will listen, and give kind in return. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Jan, I was just like you after the passing of my wife Pauline, a little over 18 months ago. The first 2 weeks, I was fine. Then I felt like I was hit by a freight train. I got so sick, my Doctors done all kinds of test and found nothing. But I had all the same symptoms as you have described. I never went on anti- biotic's, but I did go on the lowest dose of an anti depressant, and anxiety medication for a while. It took about 4 weeks, but I was finally able to get out of bed and start a life again. Pauline and I have been Christians for a very long time. She had, Multiple Sclerosis, and lived with it for just over 17 years before it took her life. Without our faith we would have never made it for all those years of suffering. In the end her FAITH was so strong it made me strong, She never complained about her illness no matter how painful and hard it got for her. We were best friends, soul mate, our spirits were, and still are as one. She passed with such Grace, her last breath was she told me, " I love you too" . No tears from her, now me of course I cried. I still do from time to time. I live by my faith, and my faith alone. I have done many great things after my wife of 33 years passed away. I am not here to say who is right or wrong, that is everyone's own choice in life. I am just telling you, that you are not alone, when you became ill after the passing of your husband. That the right medication can help, and you do not have to stay on them for a long time. God Bless, Dwayne

My Dear Friend Harry, As you spent your second anniversary on September 3 without your soul mate Jane. I spent my second anniversary on September 5 without my soul mate, best friend, love of my life, Pauline. I spent the day in school teaching new CNA student, it is there first week of class, and I have been asked to help the L.P.N. Nicole teach the CNA skills. I have done that all last week. I will do it Monday and Tuesday of next week. After that I have pick up a Hospice client I will work for. I will be working over 50 hours a week. But I am the right fit for the job. I know Pauline is very proud of what I have archived with my life. At times it is hard. I only look forwards never backwards, I took a Medical Assistance Pharmacology course and had a final grade of 95.8, the highest in the class. I even joined the class late. Think positive, study hard, I feel a person can do just about anything they want to. We will have to get together on the phone someday, God Bless, all of you, I pray you all find some peace in this sea of grief. Dwayne

My Dear Friend Harry, Harry, like always, you are a gifted man with the words you write. We all can, relate to them in many different ways, the way they touch our own lives. I for one am very different than most on here. I admit it, I had dreams of growing old with the love of my life, Pauline. That never happened, like most everyone else on here, it was cut short. The difference being, we knew that it was an improbability, of growing old together, because of the MS. You can never love someone to much, Pauline showed me that on her final day, final hour, final minute, last breath, when I had prayed so hard for two days, just to her say " I Love You " one more time. That was my final gift from her was those words, " I Love You Too ". Many friends and her family, thought I could have done better for employment. Yes I could have, but I loved Pauline to much to take a job, other than what I had. It paid the bills, and I could take off whenever she needed me. To me that was worth the weight in gold, that others could not understand until after she passed. That is when they really seen the true deep love we had for each other. We never wasted a moment of time worrying about tomorrow, we lived for today. I am so glad we did. Oh how I miss her so much, but I have no regrets and would live life with her the same way. I am at peace now, I have a new life, new career, and I will continue my education. I love learning, studding, helping others. I wish I could help you find peace with yourself. After all we all done all we could, and the out come would have still been the same, that was my biggest thing that burned in my brain for so long, until I could forgive myself, but I had, nothing to forgive, it was not in my hands weather Pauline lived, or not. Nothing I could have done would have kept her alive. Now she lives in my soul, my spirit, my mind, I remember everything about her and always will. That is when you love someone so much, they become part of you, and death will never separate us, and after I die, we will be together forever. God Bless, My Dear Friend, Dwayne

Dear Arlene, I understand your pain, and not having anyone who will call you. That is what happened with me after Pauline passed. The only time someone called, it was her best friend Donna, who we had known for years. As far as, her family, no calls, she passed 1 year and 4 months, 8 days ago, and to this day none of her family has ever come to our house to see me. Thank God for Harry, he was a big help to me last summer, while I was in the hospital with an infection C-DIFF. All my family, are out west. Oh I live in Massachusetts, and Harry and I became friends from a widows- widowers group. The first month I could not sleep either, just lay awake all night long. I had to go onto medication to get my body back into balance again. Now I am off most of all the medications. As far as the First Alert button, the are small plastic and very light in weight. Pauline wore one and she had MS, Multiple Sclerosis, she use it a couple times. Being alone so far away from anyone, I would not rule it out. Her insurance paid for it. I am so sorry for your loss, but this is the right place to be. Keep coming back. God Bless, Dwayne

They are in my prayers! Pike National Forest was our back yard growing up as kids in Colorado. I have seen many forest fires, and my father and 2 oldest bothers fought many in the 60's, after the pine Beatles came though and killed so many of the pine, trees. We were hired by the forest service to clear all the dead wood from around the camp grounds, and back then they did controlled burns. They do not do that today, to many environmentalists stop them now. So this are the results from years of dead brush and trees all over the place. I pray that no one is harmed or worse looses a life from this. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Missing Him, At 2 months no one can, expect nothing else, than to be crying, broken hearted, the feeling, like your whole world has been ripped apart. I surely know, that is how I was at 2 months, 3 months. Even though my journey with Pauline through her illness took so many years, in fact just a few months shorts of 2 decades - 20 years fighting a disease, that we both knew would take her life some day. We did not know the day, year, or time, until it came. We prepared so much for the end, never left anything unspoken, or talked about, no matter how hard, and how many tears we shed we talked. But in the end, after she passed, my heart was ripped right out. A giant hole was in my chest where it belonged. 2 months you are feeling the emotions, that all the rest of us feel. Some of us have grown in this grief. Taken it, after we have healed for a while, and started a new journey, using what we have learned from this, and take it forwards to help others in need, some how, some way. Do not think at 2 months you should be feeling something different, besides a broken heart, a part of your soul ripped out, go easy, let time do the work. Keep coming back here, we have, great people on here, who have been where you are at now, use this place as often as you can. Expressing your feelings are a great way to start the healing. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Kay, I know how you felt and are still feeling. I had those same feelings, emotions, all the turmoil, in the aftermath. We would give anything to have them back again even for just a few moments. My heart breaks with yours today, knowing I am so far away, unable to give you a hug, to help you get though this day. You will be with George again. I will be sending you my thoughts tonight. God Bless, Love, Dwayne

Dear Paul, First of all I am so sorry for your lose. That is what brings all of us to this wonderful site. I also lost the LOVE of MY LIFE, after 33. She had a very long illness. It Pains me so much to see so many new people just keep coming. The positive thing is, this can be a great healing place as well. It has been for me. As far as your lose of a relationship after your wife's passing, men do this a lot, the need to have another woman in our lives are very normal. Do they work out, as you see not always. I have had no feelings what so ever to get right back into another relationship at all. My focus has been, on rebuilding my life, starting over, a brand new career. At age 57 it was scary, but I have, faith. I never feel alone. I know I am the exception to all the others out there, but I have found my wife's spirit is a live and well inside of me, and for now that is all I need. Do I still shed tears for her, you bet I do. I did just yesterday, talking about our life we had with some people who never knew her, and the tears flowed like water falls. We all travel our own grief path different than others do. I really hope you can find the peace, and not feel lonely when you are by yourself, the way I have been able to. We have so much more to offer others in life as we travel down our path. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Mary, It is hard to move forwards, after something like the Voice has defined your life for a few years, when you took on the task from your loving Bills, who's mind thought of it in the first place. I was defiantly defined as Pauline's caregiver, for so many years, husband yes, but most people who interacted with us saw me a true loving caring man. A husband that would do anything for his wife, and did. Always put myself on the back burner for her well being. I have no regrets at all. It set me on a path, that after her passing, to get a true education in career that I love, and will have a feature in. May 17, 2012 was a very mixed emotional day. I got all my certificates, from my school, but it was also the day Pauline and I had met on a rainy day in Kansas, all those years ago. I had picked this day months before to spread Pauline's ashes where her final wishes wanted me to put them, so I did. How is it a person can have so much joy and happiness in accomplishment in life, then later, your heart rips from your chest. Now, I have been redefined, with a foot hold in the medical field, but Pauline's soul, spirit, and all our memories will always be with me forever, just like Bill's will be with you, in whatever direction you turn and travel next. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Harry, Your words are spot on. I feel the very same way. With everything I went through before Pauline passed, nothing prepared me for the aftermath. The very deep hurt, longing for her. Your words touched me at my soul. Yes I feel like I have traveled far, getting my life back together, fighting grief everyday with the faith of my good book. But I still fall, get up learning to walk all over again also, is a very hard thing to do. I continue on in this life striving to give my help to others, at least that is what I tell myself, but by helping them, I help myself in return. To heal, process my grief, so I will grow from being a toddler to that adult again someday. God Bless you Harry, Dwayne

Thank you Stacy, I am very proud of you also. I follow you on Facebook everyday, and you too have a lot to be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work, and so will I. Always looking into the future, but never forgetting our past. You know I am always just an e-mail, or phone call away, if you ever, need someone to talk to. Keep those strong and positive thoughts, and energy flowing, the world I in your hands, just like mine. I never give up, or give in, I have, FAITH to get me through anything. God Bless, Dwayne

Kay, It was such a bittersweet day, then when I heard those same words again, I knew it was confirmation sent to me that night. It gives me so much strength in my soul, that I am on the right path, and doing the right things in my life now. It feels so good, so right. I think that is why I am so full of life and energy to give back to others. Because when I do I get 10 fold in return to me. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear Kay, Yes, it was a very bittersweet day. I read a passage from Hebrews, and that night at Thursday night service, the Pastor read in Hebrews, which included, the same passage I read. That was when the tears started flowing down my face, but it was ok. I am ok. I have this great new career ahead of me now. In a few short weeks, I should be working again. This morning I will at church greeting people. They all know my name now, I have a choir practice after, to get ready to sing next week. I am already ready. I learn the songs in about a week time. Life is great, it would only be better if I had Pauline with me healthy, but I know that's not going to happen. Kay I prayed your dinner and day went very well. I know it did. I will call you soon. Take Care. God Bless, Dwayne

Dear amw, I us to work on my own cars all the time, but not for the last 20 years. Even as a man it is hard to find a good trust worthy mechanic. I have found one in my church. He runs the repair shop in a another town close by. They do all my work now. I can trust them to do the job right, and the price has been better then other places. Yesterday was a bitter sweet day. It was my last day at the nursing home Internship, My instructor did my review, and I received my certificates from the nursing school, so now I wait for my state testing, then I will take my national certification. I also spread Pauline's ashes in the place she wanted. Yesterday was our anniversary of the day we met all those years ago in Chapman Kansas. It was a rainy day, and the best day of my life. Yesterday the sun shined bright, and part of her soul is always with me all time. This is just the start of a new life. I will continue to work, to further my studies in nursing. The sky is the limit. God Bless, Dwayne