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About ksbeachbum

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 08/20/1956

Previous Fields

  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    good shepherd hospice Auburndale, FL.

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Abilene KS
  • Interests
    traveling, beaches and sunshine

Recent Profile Visitors

840 profile views
  1. Dear Melina: I have not posted here for a long time but I continue to read. Your post could have been written by me. I can not rid myself of the guilt and when I talk about my spouse, I can't get through it without tearing up. No wailing anymore but just sadness. So much guilt for the same reasons you have posted. I was not the most loving person at times... and bless him he was so giving . Looking back on your lives together I can see that now.... 90 percent him and 10 percent me. I had a nine year old from a previous marriage and I don't think I really ever let him be a parent to my son. He was always MY son, but he loved him as his own. My son is now 26 and he couldn't have loved his stepfather any more and misses him as much as I do. But I carry a lot of guilt and also can't seem to move forward as fast as some others. I will be starting my second grief support group on Wednesday. I feel like a support group junkie but feel like I still need something. It has been 16 months for me. I am coming to terms that it may never change for me, always missing him and feeling that I wasn't all I could be for him. Blessings Becky
  2. Ladies: I also can relate to the lonliness. I wish I felt solitude but that is not it. I have lost my mother, father, brother and husband and I just feel sad and lonely. A feeling that I do not belong to anyone or anything. A disconnect from people and life. It doesn't really matter if I am with people or not, it is an internal feeling of lonliness and isolation. Talking about it always gets me in tears, yet I do not know what to do about it. It certainly does feel like being on a little raft in the middle of a huge ocean. I am going to talk to my new doctor about this next week. I am functioning okay just this internal feeling of being very alone. Becky
  3. Happy Belated Birthday Dave. I'm so sorry I missed it but I am not on this site every day. You have come such a long way in a year and you should be proud of your progress as it is not an easy journey. You are an inspiration to me knowing that I can have a future with happiness. Yes... I do believe this but I'm just a slow learner and with many steps backwards at times. I know Mike is there cheering you on. Enjoy your new life with quiet peaceful memories of the past one. Blessings Becky
  4. Kay.... thanks... it does help to know I am not alone in this horrific journey that has no end.
  5. Thanks Mary, your kindness helps so much. I live in a small community but I know I need to do some volunteering or something. Unfortunately, Randy was the extrovert, me more of the quiet one. That is what is so devestating, half of me is gone. He is the one to bring me out of my shell and he never knew a stranger. Hence, a great team that is no longer. I need to go see my doctor as I feel I am slipping into a deep depression. But as luck would have it, my physician recently moved and I need to start the hunt for a new physician. Seems like when it rains it pours. I keep wondering when or if any joy will return to my life again or am I doomed to this for ever. No one knows the extent of this pain except he who has walked in our shoes. Thanks for your support. Becky
  6. I have passed my one year mark this month and thought that I would feel better but that isn't the case. The lonliness is overwhelming and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I am worried that I am isolating myself. I have commuted for the past 15 years to work and now work out of my home so I don't know a lot of people in my community. The ones I do know all work. So... again by myself. My son is 4 hours away and that is my entire family. Feeling very fragile these days. Thanks for the support here. I was trying to wean off of the support groups thinking it was time, but nothing really making me feel better. Sorry about being such a downer. Blessing to all Becky
  7. Anne and Dave: I returned to Kansas on Thursday and already in the basement twice last night. 79 tornadoes spotted in the state of kansas yesterday. Salina was okay but a couple of tornadoes spotted in Saline County.Some friends took some great photos of one of them. I'm ready to go back to Florida. At least with the hurricanes you have ample time to get ready and get out. Today... wind wind wind. Just another day in Kansas. Hoping this isn't a taste of the rest of Spring here. The 12th, Thursday I survived the one year mark since Randy died. I was fine until about 4:00 p.m. when the flowers started arriving from friends, phone calls, etc. I lost it and was an emotional wreck the rest of the evening. Me, his mother and his sister all made his favorite carrot cake, as he loved his carrot cake. Blessings to you, and Happy Birthday Anne. Becky
  8. Anne and Dave You have got to love those Jayhawks! (even if you are a K-state fan Dave) They are awesome to watch. I agree Anne, Randy and my dad and son used to keep the phone hot during KU BB games... they all lived in different locations, BUT they were bonded and together when it was KU basketball time. My husband and my dad are smiling having a good time up there with Dick and your dad. As many of you know we have been spreading Randy's remains in all of his favorite places and favorite activities. He got his helicopter ride and some of his remains scattered on one of the finest golf courses at Disney and my son took some of his students to the KU-Texas game a couple of weeks ago and he spread some of his remains at Allen Field House.(For those that don't know, that is the KU basketball arena, which is an institution in itself.) My spouse would be smiling. His two favorites were golfing and KU basketball. His sister and I still have to make a Caribbean cruise and spread some remains on the cruise, as he loved St. Thomas. It makes me smile to know he is with the things and places he loved when he was so full of life. Sometimes just a smile and a memory are a great postive. Blessings Becky
  9. Good morning all: I spent yesterday cleaning my sister in laws pool and enjoying the sunshine and warmth. It is such a natural uplifter! The orange blossoms are in full bloom and the aroma is intoxicating. There is nothing better than the smell of orange blossoms in the spring in Florida. I am pretty sure that this is a smell of heaven. Blessings to all Becky
  10. Made a decision and communicated that decision to a friend of mine. He lost his wife of 33 years, 3 months after I lost my spouse. She was my secretary and I have known them for 25 years. We have been a great resource and support for each other. He has become very attached to me and wants a more romantic relationship. I enjoy his companionship but do not want anything more than his friendship. I have been confused about all of this and have spent the last 3 months trying to figure it out. I told him yesterday that all I want and can handle is his friendship. I know that he deserves my honesty. He is very hurt but I finally feel relieved about it all. He was getting way ahead of himself with "us" and their was no us. It is not fun doing this but I feel free of the burden and responsibility. I hope we can remain friends but time will tell. A new day.... full of possibilities.... Blessings Becky
  11. Postives for the day: I found out today that I am going to be a first time GRANDMA. It is bittersweet because my spouse would be right in the middle of this and enjoy every second of it. The pregnancy, the birth and everything in between. So, I plan on doing it for him, double excitment and double the pleasure. I am feeling very blessed. Becky
  12. Postive thing for today: I got to spend a day with my sister in law, since it was a holiday and she was not working. We enjoyed a pedicure and manicure, a little shopping and lunch. It was a beautiful Florida day but mostly I am grateful that I got to spend a day with someone that I love and enjoy. Until I lost my spouse I took these kind of days for granted, but no longer. Thank you Judy for a wonderful day!! I am blessed.... Becky
  13. I also made it through, but it wasn't one of the better ones by far. I could of crawled under the covers and skipped the whole day. Memories are good but they sure make it harder to get through the now and present. Starting to feel anxiety, not sure what it is all about. Thinking it was at this time last year that my spouse's health and cancer started heading south fast. If this is it, I have got a rough next two months with last years memories of these times. Even though it is hard remembering last year's Valentine's Day as sick as he was, I am betting that next year will be worse, remembering that he wasn't with me for this year's Valentine's Day. Hoping I make progress in my thought process by then. Blessings Becky
  14. Happy Valentine's Day to all. I do not have my spouse to say this to, so all of you get it, and thank you for being here for me these last 10 months. Remembering last year and how sick he was but he still got on the computer and ordered a dozen roses and they arrived on Valentine's Day for me. One year ago seems like forever. He was such a romanatic when I was the more practical one. How I miss that and him. Wishing each of you peace today and may the memories of past Valentine's Days bring you much comfort. Blessings Becky
  15. Suzie Q; What a great idea... actually writing out your goals. At least you can see that you are being productive and moving forward. I think that is something I did to do. As an administrator my entire career, I am a very goal oriented person. I to am working on some of the same ones you identified... but writing them down and checking them off is huge. Thanks. Blessings becky
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