dave s

Nice!!

Thanks for alls support and encouragement! All that I knew already,just very helpful to be reminded by others!!! And yes I have worked hard....as we all have to put these pieces back together in a new form of life and I know Mike is proud of me. The day consisted of some tears here and ther and a drive to phoenix to care for some business.....really didn't feel better until I got back up here in the trees and saw Ed, am glad this day is approaching an end and hope for a more positive tomorrow! Fae, I was born in Ks and grewup overseas in the Middle east, Wyoming (Evanston and Rocksprings) also in Anaconda Mt at Georgetown Lake.....which is where we are planning to return to.....a new beginning!! With that being said.....I have grown to love the mts of Az.....just not the same Mt...home Dave

Thanks for the post Anne....what I needed to be told today Dave

Today as I get up to getting back to this life I realize that I am no fool for crying over that freaking orchid......it was a true, simple gesture of our love......just wasn't in the mood to cry!!!! This orchid seemed to slip away from me, in death as rapidly as Mike did.......and the control freak, who always makes things work...once again is not able to save this....in my eyes a part of Mike.......So as always our lives are a work in progress...and this symbol of love and what has happened, will,I am sure, provide some more opportunities to grow....... Weapy is how I feel today......knowing I am tired from a great vacation....and returning to 4 hellish days at work, and seeing as I return to my life here, our 14 yr old Ellie, the pup I adopted when she could fit into the palm of my hand.....time apparently is running out on her....as she walks into walls and doesn't seem as feisty as she once was......knowing all to well I will need to do what is best for her soon......as that seems to be my talent....doing what is right for others.....Sometimes wonder if I am able to do what is right for me though, in the process..... My new life in Payson with Ed, sure has been great for me, but I want more.....not out of our relationship.....but out of the other areas of my life. On our vacation we took an unexpected turn, due to being snowed into Yellowstone and ended up back in my home state of Montana, my home that I left 14 yrs ago..to make more $$, but looking back on that decision, more $$ was made, but happiness was lost in some way....( cant totally say that as I would have never met Mike and Ed), but now as I get older and have lived through this experience.....I want to go home...it is all I think about since we entered the state on our trip..I dream at night of it, I talk about it all the time....so we have contacted a realtor who has started the hunt....and will see where this will take us.....could it take months, yrs????? But eventually ...... Best wishes to all I am ok here will just accept that today will be of the weapy nature...and let it happen....

Thanks Jan yes I really know that death wasn't a message, grief has just got me off guard....over an orchid lolol!!after months of enjoying life....it hits again!!!!

I have gotten rid of of certain furniture of Mike's...for it reminded me of him laying there so sick, I have gotten rid of his Jeep....primarily because it.....it wasn't reliable...I bought a new home new because of all the memories......of good and bad..and yet of all the things he gave me was a simple Orchid from Walmart, bought at the last minute......on Valentines Day.....an orchid that I nursed...and nursed and nursed , for yrs,trying to get it to bloom again ......... Blooms were never to come again.....the Orchid has suddenly turned brown apparently has died over night....and I am searching again for an answer......that something that meant soo much to me has suddenly died.....as Mike did...and cant help to feel that he is slipping away .......again.....and cant help to believe another message is being sent........ I look at this forum with the new members of our group.......and am currently crying over an Orchid!!!!!!! a material thing that haunts me.......at this time..........Yes I know I am blooming, but ........and yes I feel like like a fool to cry over an orchid......

Although I love this site and in the invaluable help it has provided to me, on this new chapter in my life that began 28 months ago, I have not been able to participate in the forum, for along time......for I just couldn't bring myself back to the start of this new chapter without Mike........but wanted to share with you all that finally I took my first vacation since the loss and visited the Bucket list that Mike and I had planned.......it was so wonderfull for me to feel alive, on the trip....and young again. The trip was for 2 weeks, 6,000 miles, and11 states!!!! Took Mikes ashes along planning to place them in beautifull places.....but alas.....I guess I am not ready yet......just couldn't deal with that yet.......Soo Mike went for 1 hell of a road trip and home we came!! I guess I am in amazement that I took so long for me to get the energy to travel again!!!

Time has softened the blow of loosing Mike 2 yrs ago, May 9th but my sorrow never goes away. My life has been spent in an exhausting attempt to rebuild my life establishing a new home, a new routine, and a new routine with a man that has become my best friend.....but the tears continue to hit me and the messages keep presenting themselves.....2 yrs ago I was receiving the news of Mike's illness and the prognosis, little would I be prepared to deal with the diagnosis of our Standard Poodle Baloo, almost to the day of Mikes diagnosis...oral cancer a progressive illness for dogs......my goal was for her to have a pleasant spring and summer in the cool pines of our new home, she was groomed, she was provided anything she wanted to eat, even her favorite drink....Beer! As of yesterday she was running and jumping in the yard.....but today after an exhausting day of dealing with some drama around my rental,I arrived home to find Baloo had passed on her bed.....( please forgive me this new computer is not allowing me to start a new paragraph) the tears of the sense of relief that is present here, after the shock.....but after sitting down for a awhile after I found her, what should come on The Golden girls, the same show that came on after Mike died......My shocker was that I soon realized it was the same episode that came on after Mike died in the hospice room!! A sense of relief and joy hit me!...... and gut wrenching sobbing at the same time.........I feel so completely and absolutely a wreck.....and yet know that I am ok....I feel Mike patting me on the back telling me "we will be ok".....it is yet another lesson and a time for me to remind myself, to forgive myself for not being here, when she went....have gotten good at this, but for now the tears for Baloo, Mike and myself....and of course Ed, who I hear crying in the living room.....better check on him....

Deb I appreicate your thoughts, as I to, at 1 yr and a half, have bought a new home, and have recently moved to it. The last 4 days which are the first 4 days of living in it, have been, for me, so miserable. So many emotions, aggravated by exhaustion, aggravated by my dogs getting loose ( have to say the dog catcher has been really nice so far!), Have left me questioning my ability to make good decisions, and have spent too much of the last 4 days, missing my old life, yes I also am homesick, and scared of the new life.... One of the greatest things in my life I have missed since Mikes death has been passion for anything in life, it has felt that I was only existing....it is my hope that new surroundings for me will allow that to grow in me again, and will allow me to work on my new relationship, which has been all about me, and my pain, so far......hopefully a healthier balance is waiting for me here! Thanks for your post and I really do enjoy your blog, well done! Dave

Thanks Marty for posting this, lately have not felt myself, whatever that is, as I approach 17 months...it is helpfull to be reminded that this is part of the process, and will be gentle on myself....Dave

you know what I find so bothersome about this journey? Everytime I deal with a problem....challenge, instead of feeling stronger I feel weaker, exhausted.......time for some me time....

Today am not better, but am coping, am leaving town for a couple of days this week, for some solitude and rest......feel that this will be the best way to recharge!

Mik, thanks for your reply, just feeling down here........just feeling horrible ,when constant neg occurs, actually in tears right now.....just need it to let it happen.......

Let me start this blog by reporting I am not suicidal, but I have reached my breaking point. I am afraid to answer the phone or the door! Dad is recovering from another cancer surgery, that was not resolved from last yrs episode, the vehicles are breaking down right and left=$$$, and I am trying to move........and the new home was vandalised last week, I ong to look at old pics of Mike, but alas fate decided I shouldnt and sent a robboer to steal such.......Im am dealing with my crazy Aunt who thinks my relationship with Mike was created by the devil.....and when I stick up for myself my sister, states I am a horrible person......., my demented dog is ruining the house with accidents.....and I dont have the heart to put her out in the heat....work is a mess..... i am tired here and dont see it letting up, I use to believe in Kharma, but what did I do to deserve this constant crap?

Kay thanks for this blog, have been feeling really lousy about myself lately....but after reading this.....it has made me think....that I have done alot and alot that Mike would be proud of me for.....will write my thoughts after getting some much needed sleep! Dave