dave s

Nice!!

Thanks for alls support and encouragement! All that I knew already,just very helpful to be reminded by others!!! And yes I have worked hard....as we all have to put these pieces back together in a new form of life and I know Mike is proud of me. The day consisted of some tears here and ther and a drive to phoenix to care for some business.....really didn't feel better until I got back up here in the trees and saw Ed, am glad this day is approaching an end and hope for a more positive tomorrow! Fae, I was born in Ks and grewup overseas in the Middle east, Wyoming (Evanston and Rocksprings) also in Anaconda Mt at Georgetown Lake.....which is where we are planning to return to.....a new beginning!! With that being said.....I have grown to love the mts of Az.....just not the same Mt...home Dave

Thanks for the post Anne....what I needed to be told today Dave

Today as I get up to getting back to this life I realize that I am no fool for crying over that freaking orchid......it was a true, simple gesture of our love......just wasn't in the mood to cry!!!! This orchid seemed to slip away from me, in death as rapidly as Mike did.......and the control freak, who always makes things work...once again is not able to save this....in my eyes a part of Mike.......So as always our lives are a work in progress...and this symbol of love and what has happened, will,I am sure, provide some more opportunities to grow....... Weapy is how I feel today......knowing I am tired from a great vacation....and returning to 4 hellish days at work, and seeing as I return to my life here, our 14 yr old Ellie, the pup I adopted when she could fit into the palm of my hand.....time apparently is running out on her....as she walks into walls and doesn't seem as feisty as she once was......knowing all to well I will need to do what is best for her soon......as that seems to be my talent....doing what is right for others.....Sometimes wonder if I am able to do what is right for me though, in the process..... My new life in Payson with Ed, sure has been great for me, but I want more.....not out of our relationship.....but out of the other areas of my life. On our vacation we took an unexpected turn, due to being snowed into Yellowstone and ended up back in my home state of Montana, my home that I left 14 yrs ago..to make more $$, but looking back on that decision, more $$ was made, but happiness was lost in some way....( cant totally say that as I would have never met Mike and Ed), but now as I get older and have lived through this experience.....I want to go home...it is all I think about since we entered the state on our trip..I dream at night of it, I talk about it all the time....so we have contacted a realtor who has started the hunt....and will see where this will take us.....could it take months, yrs????? But eventually ...... Best wishes to all I am ok here will just accept that today will be of the weapy nature...and let it happen....

Thanks Jan yes I really know that death wasn't a message, grief has just got me off guard....over an orchid lolol!!after months of enjoying life....it hits again!!!!

I have gotten rid of of certain furniture of Mike's...for it reminded me of him laying there so sick, I have gotten rid of his Jeep....primarily because it.....it wasn't reliable...I bought a new home new because of all the memories......of good and bad..and yet of all the things he gave me was a simple Orchid from Walmart, bought at the last minute......on Valentines Day.....an orchid that I nursed...and nursed and nursed , for yrs,trying to get it to bloom again ......... Blooms were never to come again.....the Orchid has suddenly turned brown apparently has died over night....and I am searching again for an answer......that something that meant soo much to me has suddenly died.....as Mike did...and cant help to feel that he is slipping away .......again.....and cant help to believe another message is being sent........ I look at this forum with the new members of our group.......and am currently crying over an Orchid!!!!!!! a material thing that haunts me.......at this time..........Yes I know I am blooming, but ........and yes I feel like like a fool to cry over an orchid......

Although I love this site and in the invaluable help it has provided to me, on this new chapter in my life that began 28 months ago, I have not been able to participate in the forum, for along time......for I just couldn't bring myself back to the start of this new chapter without Mike........but wanted to share with you all that finally I took my first vacation since the loss and visited the Bucket list that Mike and I had planned.......it was so wonderfull for me to feel alive, on the trip....and young again. The trip was for 2 weeks, 6,000 miles, and11 states!!!! Took Mikes ashes along planning to place them in beautifull places.....but alas.....I guess I am not ready yet......just couldn't deal with that yet.......Soo Mike went for 1 hell of a road trip and home we came!! I guess I am in amazement that I took so long for me to get the energy to travel again!!!

Time has softened the blow of loosing Mike 2 yrs ago, May 9th but my sorrow never goes away. My life has been spent in an exhausting attempt to rebuild my life establishing a new home, a new routine, and a new routine with a man that has become my best friend.....but the tears continue to hit me and the messages keep presenting themselves.....2 yrs ago I was receiving the news of Mike's illness and the prognosis, little would I be prepared to deal with the diagnosis of our Standard Poodle Baloo, almost to the day of Mikes diagnosis...oral cancer a progressive illness for dogs......my goal was for her to have a pleasant spring and summer in the cool pines of our new home, she was groomed, she was provided anything she wanted to eat, even her favorite drink....Beer! As of yesterday she was running and jumping in the yard.....but today after an exhausting day of dealing with some drama around my rental,I arrived home to find Baloo had passed on her bed.....( please forgive me this new computer is not allowing me to start a new paragraph) the tears of the sense of relief that is present here, after the shock.....but after sitting down for a awhile after I found her, what should come on The Golden girls, the same show that came on after Mike died......My shocker was that I soon realized it was the same episode that came on after Mike died in the hospice room!! A sense of relief and joy hit me!...... and gut wrenching sobbing at the same time.........I feel so completely and absolutely a wreck.....and yet know that I am ok....I feel Mike patting me on the back telling me "we will be ok".....it is yet another lesson and a time for me to remind myself, to forgive myself for not being here, when she went....have gotten good at this, but for now the tears for Baloo, Mike and myself....and of course Ed, who I hear crying in the living room.....better check on him....

Deb I appreicate your thoughts, as I to, at 1 yr and a half, have bought a new home, and have recently moved to it. The last 4 days which are the first 4 days of living in it, have been, for me, so miserable. So many emotions, aggravated by exhaustion, aggravated by my dogs getting loose ( have to say the dog catcher has been really nice so far!), Have left me questioning my ability to make good decisions, and have spent too much of the last 4 days, missing my old life, yes I also am homesick, and scared of the new life.... One of the greatest things in my life I have missed since Mikes death has been passion for anything in life, it has felt that I was only existing....it is my hope that new surroundings for me will allow that to grow in me again, and will allow me to work on my new relationship, which has been all about me, and my pain, so far......hopefully a healthier balance is waiting for me here! Thanks for your post and I really do enjoy your blog, well done! Dave

Thanks Marty for posting this, lately have not felt myself, whatever that is, as I approach 17 months...it is helpfull to be reminded that this is part of the process, and will be gentle on myself....Dave

you know what I find so bothersome about this journey? Everytime I deal with a problem....challenge, instead of feeling stronger I feel weaker, exhausted.......time for some me time....

Today am not better, but am coping, am leaving town for a couple of days this week, for some solitude and rest......feel that this will be the best way to recharge!

Mik, thanks for your reply, just feeling down here........just feeling horrible ,when constant neg occurs, actually in tears right now.....just need it to let it happen.......

Let me start this blog by reporting I am not suicidal, but I have reached my breaking point. I am afraid to answer the phone or the door! Dad is recovering from another cancer surgery, that was not resolved from last yrs episode, the vehicles are breaking down right and left=$$$, and I am trying to move........and the new home was vandalised last week, I ong to look at old pics of Mike, but alas fate decided I shouldnt and sent a robboer to steal such.......Im am dealing with my crazy Aunt who thinks my relationship with Mike was created by the devil.....and when I stick up for myself my sister, states I am a horrible person......., my demented dog is ruining the house with accidents.....and I dont have the heart to put her out in the heat....work is a mess..... i am tired here and dont see it letting up, I use to believe in Kharma, but what did I do to deserve this constant crap?

Kay thanks for this blog, have been feeling really lousy about myself lately....but after reading this.....it has made me think....that I have done alot and alot that Mike would be proud of me for.....will write my thoughts after getting some much needed sleep! Dave

If it comes to that the Red Cross will be able to help you out. Dave

Hope all is well at your end Kay, As a veteran of may forest fires throughout the west, have learned that during this time to keep pics and important documents in boxes near the front door, for a quick getaway, have you entertained the idea of boarding the dogs if it looks like it is headed your way, am willing to bet that the fire dept would have leads on places you could board, or people taking them in for now, for little or no expense, at least that has been my experience here Good Luck! Dave

Sorry Anne, URP is a Ks phrase, my 92 yr old gma, a Ks native still uses it lolol!!

Anne enjoyed your post, can sense your Ks accent in your writing, yes Kansans have an accent, didnt realize it until living around the world and throughout the the Western USA! Cheryl I ditto what you have said and your experiences with others, my experience though is unique as is all of our stories......I think it is fair to say since Mike has died I have felt an extreme spiritual tie to him...and am reminded of all the statements he made towards the end "I have to find you someone" repeatedly I asked him not to speak of this as we were to have so much more time! Alas this was not meant to be....and his sister continued with this plan.....until I met someone on line,who for some reason......stuck with me through all of this..Ed has really been stubborn and has done all he could to support me through this, thus a beautifull friendship...and love has developed!!!Ed doesnt appear to be threatened by Mike.....a wonderfull thing!! Someone once told me that joy and sorrow can coexist......unfortunately though.....I have found that sorrow overrules joy....but as time progresses am finding that joy can overrule sorrow.......it continues at times to be a tricky balancing act! but have held onto that thought many times, as I struggle to heal...it has helped...Many thanks to that person on our line for telling me that! Anyhow the time will come for us all....to be in a position to find a new love, whether that be another person or another purpose in life, yes it is cliche to state that our loves would want this.... but I deeply feel that they do, as painfull as it can be to think about.....I also miss my old life, and struggle on a regular basis with what has happened......but....am so gratefull that I took a chance on another love! My thoughts and Best Wishes! Dave

Found it was amazing to spend the day cleaning,crying.....long day.....went outside to get all in due a Haboob, dust storm.....earlier today went to a neighborhood recycling center and helped myself to newspapers to move.....little did I know one of the papers i picked up......was from Mikes hometown Hudson Oh.........wow guess he is here, what are the chances to pickup a newspaper from his hometown, all the way in AZ!!! Am smiling now! Dave

I havent shed much of a tear for Mike since 5/9.....I am currently packing up the house here in anticipation of the move. Ed and I have closed and have the keys for a beautifull new home in the mts!!! This is something Mike wanted, it is also something I have wanted since before knowing Mike.......and interstingly so this is what Ed has wanted for a long time. Today as I take down Mikes things and wash them, for you know according to Mike you should move only clean items.........I cant help to feel a bit sad and have shed some tears which has surprised me......I hate this place, and yet I dont, it is a wonderfull home it is where my life started with Mike, it was where my life ended with Mikes death.......it is where Ed through great persistence on his part, stuck it out and wormed his way into this broken heart, wonder what he really saw in me! But thankfully he has stuck it out! Know that you would all love him as much as I do, so kind, loving, funny..... Anyhow today caught me off guard.......I really am excited about this move, and know it is what Ed and I need, yet cant help feeling bittersweet about this..........Dave

Jan what you are saying is a common thread we all experience in our journey.....I was emphatic to others before, but had no idea what this would do to me.......funny you should talk about this today, my Mom who has tried to be helpfull, I say this knowing that she would never try to hurt her kids, but more than once she was awfull.....She called to check on me today....she admitted she didnt know what to do for me, but was pleased I was making it through. As for others.....I have disconnected our friendships....some have encouraged me to get over it, others found out I was Gay and have never called again.......never expected their behaviour... Time has been an friend here, everything has changed from a new address book of friends and family.....to moving into a new house...I still have plenty of moments......and know that there is not one aspect of my life this hasnt affected...even my physical health....but believe as time continues, your time not anyone elses, you will find your way through this horrible maze of experiences and emotions. And will be able to figure out who you want in your life. Best Wishes! Dave

Cheryl I cant help but to believe that what we have gone through...leaves us vulnerable to many what ifs.....I applaude you for going in the direction you are and encourage you to share your feelings...at the time with your new love...in fairness to you and him.....he needs to understand what you are going through.....he is damn lucky to have a beautifull lady like yourself, and you can bring through your experience much to this relationship!! Keep at it and call when you get back! Dave

I really do live in a nice community of 6 homes on our street...this occured on a rare day when everyone was gone in the neighborhood........and of all the things they could have taken....this is the worst.....the neighbors are taking turns checking on the homes of those of those that work during the day...a good idea for who is next? As you all know and understand.....I have spent 14 months in therapy, just to have this happen......I was hysterical, depressed yesterday, and today not ok but better........feels much like the days after he died...........hope to god it doesnt take 14 months to get back on track again....guess I need to remind myself that I am not the same person I was 14 months ago....... I was so consumed with my grief over this, that I forgot about Ed ( who has been my rock through all of this ) he also is so upset, blaming himself for not taking the memory stick out of the computer, and reports he is unable to sleep, as he feels so violated that some creep was in our home unannounced....... it will get better.... Mikes sister is rounding up some more pics for me.......but it will not be the same........but it is what it is. I really hate that phrase....but what else to say during a time like this? Tomorrow the home in the mts closes.....cant wait to get away from the phx area!!!!! I really know this is what I need!! Dave

Thought I would let you all know before I leave work and have no computer at home, I made it through the day felt much like the day after he died......lost for the most part with periods of feeling ok......... My dogs ran away a few months ago and the neighborhood teenager picked them up......makes me wonder if the dogs knew them and let them in to the backyard...and they were able to get into the house.....and they were able to do the unimaginable........think I need to have a talk with their parents, without directly blaming them.......worth a shot also placed an ad on Craigslist pleading to someones sympathies, also plan to make fliers and post in everyones mailbox around the area........very confident it was a nearby job, or they would have taken what could have netted them more $$ I really didnt need anymore pushes to leave the area, the new house closes thurs.......but this situation lets me know I have made the right decision... I am really tired here and feel that old friend depression returning........but will be ok . Dave