Miri

I was starting to do better and move on, but over the weekend I learned devastating news that my ex's grandfather died in July. I can't believe I was never informed - I found out on my own by discovering an obituary online. I'm in shock and extremely saddened. Also hurt that he didn't want to tell me, even when I saw him last week. I cared about his grandfather and feel like I had a right to know. At the very least it would have helped put things into perspective. He has lost everyone he cared really deeply about in the last six months. His grandfather's house, which he visited several times a year and spent all family holidays, is now empty. Before all this terrible stuff happened, he had wanted to take me there to meet his family. We were planning to go in April but of course his mother died right before. Now there is no family for him to return to. I can only imagine his pain. I feel oceans of overwhelming sadness for his loss, and hurt that I was not told. Not long ago I was closer to him than anyone but now he really is treating me like a stranger. I want so much to write to him about this but I guess I really shouldn't. It feels terribly wrong to just say nothing but I don't know what the best course of action is.

It's done. Six months after this nightmare started, I have taken my things and exited from his life. I hope this will give me some better sense of closure. It's still hard to accept what happened, but I've given it time and he hasn't gotten better so I must try more constructively to move on rather than hold onto any hope. His mood was pretty snappy and tense when I was there. He had put a few of my things by the door but it wasn't even half of everything I had there (he seemed to be having memory problems) so I had to go through to pick up a lot of other things that were at the apartment. He offered to help carry the stuff to the car. I paused and asked if there was anything he wanted to say. It went against most people's advice which was to say nothing but I figured at this point, I needed answers in order to understand and accept this better, and my feelings and needs should now take precedence over any worrying about "pushing" (especially as it doesn't seem like it would change anything for him even if I didn't ask to talk). He just said he was sorry at first, but seemed kind of annoyed. Just sorry, and that there was nothing else he could really say. But then he went on to say that he'd been going through a hell of a lot lately and that that was his problem and not mine. Told me not to worry about him, he was fine, and that he had to do things his way. He claimed that all the standard grieving norms were bullsh*t and didn't apply to him. But also that he couldn't be in a relationship with anyone now and can't handle any emotional expectations at all. He said that he wasn't a nice or generous person (but I know that before all this, he was) and didn't want to put me through being treated with less respect than I deserve. And that he didn't want me to wait because time was running differently for him and he felt all this wasn't a phase he was going through (though it seems to me that it is - he is clearly not himself anymore). He said that we could maybe be friends after a lot of time and distance but that we could not return to being in a relationship again. When I asked him to explain why, as we had a good relationship and it was going well until after his mother suddenly died, that was the part which really doesn't make sense. He claimed that we had communication problems and that I didn't understand him. But before all this, we always used to talk so much with each other every day. We shared and told each other about everything, and he always said that talking to me made him feel better and that I understood him and made him feel stronger. I did feel like I was closer to him than anyone. He also said that we weren't compatible, which I think is nonsense again. We shared a lot of interests and tastes in common and were more compatible than most other couples I know. We got along so great. I doubt he'll ever meet anyone who is a better match for him. The worst part was when he started to say that he couldn't deal with any "emotionally overwrought" things and then he cited as examples my getting on that flight to help him, that friends had told him I was moving into his neighborhood (which is nonsense, I never had any such plans and don't know why anyone would say that to him!), and that I had come to ring on his doorbell the last weekend unannounced - this after HE said we could meet last weekend, and then wouldn't answer email or messages telling him I would like to come at that time and asking when he would be available - thus there was plenty of notice. I was in the area and just tried to stop by and see if he was around - something I think any reasonable person under the circumstances should be able to do - I don't think I crossed a line and I can't believe he would use this as an excuse to be bothered by my behavior. I think this is pretty irrational and unfair. The only possibly valid one is the flight, but I was perfectly calm, supportive as a friend, and not emotionally overwrought at all when I went there and in any case, if he felt that uncomfortable about it he could have talked to me so that I could have a chance to explain why I did it, instead of leaving me in limbo and refusing to talk for months!!! I can understand a bit why that may have made him feel unsettled but that was mostly a reaction that he chose, and most people would not have taken it so badly. I do think that was the turning point for him and I am saddened that I will have to think of my great gesture of compassion and caring for him as a mistake that can never be undone. It pains me that he would perceive our past so unfairly and not remember us as we truly were. A lot of all this seems to just be in his head. There were other little signs that he wasn't quite all there mentally or emotionally so he is clearly still going through something. The question is whether he'll always be this way now or whether someday he'll remember things as they really were and remember what a great relationship we had and how we had so much planned that we were looking forward to in the future. Because I didn't want to start a fight I just accepted what he said but I think someday in the future I would like to point all this out to him. I look back and I realize that I was an amazing girlfriend to him. I made him happier than anything and he was crazy about me up to the end, until he suddenly just snapped after his mother's death. It's unfathomable to me that I was so important and close to him, and then in what seemed like a single instant, he could just freak out and stop caring and talking to me. It feels so wrong and I don't know if it will ever be made right. He seemed to be doing fine with his friends and everyone else in his life except for me, but last night it was clear to me he wasn't really fine. Seems like there is a lot of denial and bullsh*t still going on.

Hi Tom, have there been any updates? Were you ever able to sort things out and get your stuff back? When I finally contacted my ex-bf about getting my things back, he also seemed kind of inconsistent. It took him a couple of days to respond but it was the first thing he'd ever bothered to reply to in the last five months. It surprised me but he offered to meet me in person as well though he hasn't even seemed to be able to respond to emails or wanted to talk to me at all since May. But when it came down to schedule an actual date and time, he went silent again and postponed. It was extremely frustrating that he wouldn't communicate like a reasonable adult. I don't want to read too much into it but it seems like they're reluctant to completely let go of us even though they are the ones who ended it. There's a part of them that maybe still wants us around even though they want to keep a distance.

Hi everyone, It's been a long time since I've posted. Life has been very busy. I finally will be seeing my ex-bf tonight. It's been about six months since his mother died and 5 months since the last time we ever saw each other and spoke. He's only contacted me because I asked to get my belongings back. It surprised me that he offered to meet me in person since I didn't ask him to do that and since he hasn't even wanted to talk to me all these months. I don't know how it will go. I don't know how I should behave or what I should say to him. There's so much I want to talk to him about. I would like to just be able to get to a state of "normalcy" with him where there isn't this horrible state of mind where he won't even talk to me. We used to be so close and talk to each other every day, but now he seems to want to act like I was never a part of his life. Everyone tells me I've done nothing wrong. It's just so messed up and confusing. He seems to have recovered from his grieving process and has seemed more cheerful in the tone of things he's posted online lately, though I know there's no way I can tell how much the grief is still affecting him. He seems so normal and friendly to everyone else now except for me. If there is any advice on how I should behave, please post. I will see him in about 12 hours and I feel so lost and anxious about this.

Thanks for asking. I check in here frequently, but did not have time to respond right away as I've been very tired lately. Unfortunately I don't think I'm doing much better. I haven't been able to make the progress some of you have. I was out of town for a couple of weeks and it was nice to have a change of scenery, but I missed him everywhere I went. And I still miss him now that I'm back. I still think of him most of the time, during the day and as I fall asleep at night. And when I wake up in the morning - that's the worst because it's almost like I have to remember again that he's gone. It's a horrible feeling. Some days I'm better but I still cry a lot of the time when I'm alone. I started seeing a therapist who was recommended to me by a friend who studies clinical psychology, but I'm not sure it's helping. So far it just seems like I talk and cry and then all she says is that I need to try to find enjoyable things to do to distract myself and to take up a new activity. And that I need to sleep and eat well, etc. This I know I am supposed to do already, I don't need a professional to tell me this. And I have tried. I have a lot of good things happening in my life, supportive friends, a great work environment, an active social life, lots of new activities and things to be thankful for. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but I was hoping that she would help me figure out deeper issues or help me understand, accept, and get unstuck. I've never needed to see a therapist before so I don't know much about how it's supposed to work. My concern is that it's been very expensive (and she doesn't take insurance), so I don't want to just be throwing all this money down the drain and not have any results to show for it. I wish I could find acceptance and move on, but I just miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. I am still grieving - his absence from my life has really felt like a death because he's been so utterly unreachable. With each month he just seems to pull further away. I noticed today that he changed his Facebook settings so that I could no longer post on his wall or see his photos, and this was upsetting because it hadn't changed for me in all those months until now. I don't know why he suddenly wanted to deny me even that small part of him now. I miss seeing his old photos and it hurts to think I might never be able to access them again. I wish I could feel better, but the one thing that would help the most would be simply to be able to talk to him, even as a friend, and for whatever reason, he won't. I find it so hard to understand why he would treat me like this. I know he has been through something very traumatic and he was probably emotionally devastated, but I was important to him and I had a special place in his life. He did not abandon any of his friends or relatives. His behavior doesn't make sense to anyone and I know I deserved better. But I can't even be angry at him because he's suffered the loss of his parents. I don't know how to feel better, it seems like it's been a long time already but it still almost feels like yesterday. I don't know how he could just forget everything between us that quickly and just act like I'm a stranger.

It seems like there is still some bitterness between the two of you. And it will probably take a long time before that ever goes away. But I do hope that in time you will be able to forgive and be on better terms with each other someday.

Hugs and hugs, kayc. I'm so sorry that you are observing this sad anniversary. I thought of you this morning because I remember this date and its significance. I can't imagine the shock you must have felt at receiving that package - what a horrible experience it must be to recall what it was like. I'm glad that you have survived and are doing better a year later, and are also helping others cope. There are many wonderful people on this forum and I am grateful to all of them for their advice and support.

He had just given me the laptop a few days before his mother died. I remember him sending me the arrangements to pick it up just 3 or 4 days before. It was not an inexpensive computer but it was something that he had wanted to provide for me. These are not the actions of someone who doesn't have every intention of staying in a serious relationship for a long while. Something just changed for him emotionally after his mother died but there hadn't been anything wrong with our relationship before and neither of us could have foreseen it would end so suddenly. I know that to understand any of this I have to know it is really about his experience of grief and not a normal relationship context. That is what everyone keeps telling me but it's still so hard to accept it. Especially when he can't even talk to me or deal with it in any way that seems normal at all. Yesterday I went to those special places I had shared with him and felt surprisingly detached while I was there. I did not break down as I was afraid I might. But today I'm really feeling so alone again. I woke up from a dream that we were still together and he was still himself. I'm going to see a therapist today and hope that will help. I feel like I've talked so much with my friends about everything and already know the answers and what I need to do, but just don't want to let go. I've never had therapy before so I don't know what it can do for me but maybe it'll help me change my patterns of thinking.

Reading around here in some other sections, I found that there were many posts under "Behaviors in Bereavement" about getting irritated and upset when friends wanted to talk about their own problems, which seemed terribly trivial in comparison with a death. Thinking back to those ten days after my bf's mother died and when he returned from taking care of arrangements and told me he needed a break, I wonder if that is something I may have inadvertently done which pushed him away. I tried to be sensitive and listened attentively to everything he wanted to talk to me about, but when he asked me what I was doing or asked about my day I would end up talking about some mundane thing that was on my mind. One thing I mentioned was having to shop for and buy a new laptop for work because he ended up taking with him a laptop he had just given me to use, which had my work software installed on it. I think this was literally the day after his mother died (because I needed it immediately for work). I was extremely stupid to even bring it up but I guess it just came up in the course of discussing what I had done that day. In retrospect I wish I had just not said anything about it. Later in the week I was having serious issues with a passive-aggressive person I had to work with and asked him for advice on how to deal with it (after apologizing for bothering him with it at a time like this - but saying that I knew he was the best person to ask for advice because he often has to deal with adversarial people). Now I wonder if that was just extremely insensitive of me to even bring it up so soon after his mother's death. I thought it was fine as he seemed comfortable talking about it (he gave me some great advice, as I knew he would), and I thought perhaps it would be helpful to give him some sense of normalcy, that life would go on. But now I really wonder if that is why he started to feel like he couldn't talk to me about his grief. And of course, I wonder whether there is anything I can say now to make amends for it. I know I shouldn't keep second-guessing myself - if this had been a serious problem for him I wish he could have communicated that to me and I would of course have been more aware of and sensitive about what I was doing and would not have talked about any of my own worries or problems. At the time it just seemed like it was fine but I wonder if that is what made him turn away from me during those days. Going to the coast with friends today - hope it doesn't trigger too much sadness.

Hi Tom, Have you responded to Fern yet? Any updates? Hope you are doing well.

Some of my friends are here, and it's comforting to be with them, but also sad that I can't share any of the wonderful things I've been seeing and doing with my loved one, as we had planned together so many months ago. I wonder if he is thinking about how he is missing out, or if he remembers our plans at all. Tomorrow my friends want to go to a part of the coastline and a really nice restaurant overlooking the sea that are very special to me because I took my bf there last year. It was one of our best memories - we were so intensely happy and in love. We watched the sunset from an outdoor balcony and everything was beautiful. I still remember almost every detail of what we ate, what we talked about during that trip last year and have many pictures from it. I don't know if I should go because it may be too painful to revisit those places without him, but at the same time, I don't want to let him ruin these favorite places for me. I will think about it some more and decide later tonight. I am so appreciative to everyone here for your support. It helps so much to be able to talk here about the painful experience we're going through and to know that you truly understand. I admire Tom for his strength in being able to move on so positively. I know I am still hanging on and need to let go, but it's so hard because I want to cherish and treasure all those good memories. It was an intense relationship and some of the greatest joy I've ever had in my life. But it is exactly as Kay says, that because of the way things ended, it's hard to just feel comforted by those memories of love. I am also dreading holidays and events to come, as my bf would always take care to celebrate them with me, though he hadn't before as a bachelor. Even a silly holiday like Halloween, he actually went and surprised me with a costume though he hadn't gotten one in years. And he put up lights and decorations at his apartment for Christmas though he usually never did since he travels away to see family at Christmas. It will be sad to no longer be able to share any of that with him.

Our anniversary came and went. I was hoping the arrival of the date would give him reason to reminisce and reconsider, but it doesn't seem likely. I wonder if he gave it any thought at all. I'm out of town on a trip we had planned to go on together. It's beautiful here and I've been attending a lot of arts events and experiencing some amazing things but it pains me so much that he isn't here and isn't in my life anymore. I can't even call or talk to him to have the most basic conversation. And this changed overnight. A lot doesn't make sense and I'll never fully understand what happened. I know it's grief but that shouldn't cause someone to completely drop the person they were closest to, that they were supposed to love and care about, and just treat them like they never existed. He can talk to other people like normal. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him and feeling this enormous void. I don't understand why he would want to do this to me. He kept saying to give it some time, but it seems like things between us have only gotten worse and more distant with more time.

Many people would see it that way. I just wanted to help. The idea was suggested to me by a friend. Perhaps it's different for us, as women, because we would have seen an act like that as one of gallantry and would have been moved by the intent behind the gesture, no matter who did it for us, even if it was an ex we had just parted ways from. But the fact was, at that point he had asked for a break (though he still was saying that he didn't know what he wanted, to give it some time, etc.) so he probably felt it was not my place to show up, without warning, to help him. In his head, maybe it was already completely over, so he probably saw it as an intrusion, as going too far, even though I believed that the closeness of our relationship justified my wanting to be there, even if only to be a friend. But I can't know what he feels, as he hasn't been willing to talk to me about it. His friends seem to take his view - but they are probably just being supportive of him no matter what. It makes me feel awful to be judged so harshly by them though. They don't know the nature of our relationship and how close we were, or what words were exchanged before this incident, so they can't understand what compelled me to do that for him. And I also feel particularly annoyed that some of these people are the friends who made excuses not to be there to help him at this time, but now it's so easy for them to judge me. I really think this incident is what made him stop talking to me entirely, but it seems like a very extreme and unfair reaction to what I did! Maybe the drama and shock of it really bothered him and that is why he wants to make sure to keep me at a distance. It is still so strange, that sudden distancing that has been common to all of our stories. I also heard news that he actually did NOT get laid off, in fact he got promoted and is now going to be a partner at his firm. This is a huge deal, and it really breaks my heart so much that I can't celebrate with him and congratulate him. I can't even talk to him. If things were normal and our relationship had continued as it was before his mother suddenly died, we'd both be so happy right now because we both have massive career changes to celebrate and so many events to look forward to this summer and fall. I want to be happy for him but it feels incredibly bittersweet that we are no longer sharing these important milestones in our lives. I don't know what to do, what to say. I know I should probably just get my belongings back and leave it at that, but there is so much more I want to say to him. I know I have to let him go, but I desperately wish we could reconcile or make amends. I still find it unbelievable that all of this has changed so much and so abruptly. It's been so traumatizing, it really feels as if he had died. I don't understand how things between us went from incredibly happy to completely awful almost overnight, and whether it will ever be possible for us to return to being all right again.

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and their advice. I have pondered all your words and pored over your advice numerous times, hoping that the words will stick and help me to finally understand what I need to do. There's been a new development in my story. A mutual friend told me that my ex was actually pretty unhappy about that airport incident, where I showed up unexpectedly to take a flight with him to help him pack up his mother's house (after he told on the phone about how his friends and relatives bailed on him, etc.) I came to help, but it made him uncomfortable and feel that I had done something inappropriate, even a little "creepy". Like I had crossed a line or boundary. I feel like I've made a terrible mistake, and perhaps what I did was what killed our relationship. It seems like that may have been the turning point, where he stopped talking to me and no longer considered it possible for us to get back together or even to be friends. But to me, it seems like his reaction of refusing to speak to me is totally disproportionate to anything I did. I never meant anything wrong by it, and he should understand that my intentions were good and came from love and sincerely caring about him, even if he was uncomfortable with having me there. I just wanted to be there for him. I have a huge sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I had never done it. I knew it was a bold move, but many of my friends said that they admired my courage and that anyone ought to be touched by what I did. I also wonder if his strong negative reaction to it was still something that could be attributed to his grief, as it seems unfair of him. No matter what he felt about me, he should have been able to have an honest conversation about it, instead of keeping me in limbo for over two months and then only sending a terse email with no explanation about his feelings. I want to write to him and explain things, but I don't know if that will push him away even further. I just feel like there's been so much left unsaid because I was always trying to give him space and not express my feelings. Is there any way to fix this, to try to get him to understand? Can he really think that what I did was so absolutely unforgivable, that he can't even talk to me? I just want to believe that he'll come to realize the goodness of my heart after more time has passed.

Faith, Thank you for posting and sharing what your guy said to you. I know you said it didn't make you feel any better, but in a way, it does help me (and I hope everyone else going through this) to hear an explanation straight from him, as I never was really able to get one from my bf at all. At least you got an explanation and that is better than no talk at all. It is a breakthrough, even if it seems like a small one, that at least your guy is acknowledging his feelings and sharing them with you. And it seems to have helped you to move on and focus on yourself. I just wish I could have a reasonable talk like that with my guy, it would reassure me that things will eventually be somewhat okay between us, not this strange feeling like I've really offended him to the point where he won't talk to me. From the words your guy said and our experiences here, which have all been so similar, it seems like this is exactly what is happening. And there is nothing we can do about it but let grief run its course, which may take an unbearably long time. This experience has been so awful - the last four months have just been a nightmare and I understand the pain of anyone else going through this. Someone told me that the reason we suffer is so that we can help others through the same experiences. So I hope it helps to know that there are others going through the same.

Ron, it seems like you have a very perceptive understanding of the situation, and I thank you so much for your advice. You seem to be spot-on in particular with picking up on this guy's issues with women. He obviously loved his mother and talked to her often, but would always complain that she was overly emotional and needy (she seemed to get upset and burst into tears at everything, though, so maybe it was just his way of shielding himself). When I look back in hindsight, there were other things which had raised small red flags (for example, his last really serious romantic relationship was about a decade ago), but our mutual friends who set us up assured me that he had a good character, so I thought that perhaps he just hadn't met the right woman yet. And for a while it really seemed like he thought I was the one, until the death of his mother apparently made all of his issues rear their ugly heads. He is not ready to be a good partner to anyone until he takes care of these issues, and I can't fix them for him. I am concerned about him because he also has had episodes of serious depression since his father died. He told me he was unhappy before he met me. Soon after we started dating, he stopped taking antidepressants because he felt good, due to my presence in his life. He said I made him happy and gave him things to look forward to, so he felt he didn't need them. I knew he shouldn't have done this without consulting his doctor, but he said he felt fine. But now I do wonder and worry if this has everything to do with why he has shut down and withdrawn so abruptly, and just seems to want more distance as time goes by. I really wonder about how it could be possible that he doesn't miss me or want to see me, as I made him happy. There must be reminders of me all over his apartment because I got him some housewares, new bedding, etc. to make his bachelor pad a little more comfortable. I know depression and grief can make people irrational like this, but I just have to believe that at some point he will recover from it and realize that he is letting go of a good thing. It's very sad, thinking about how bright the future seemed to be for us just four months ago before his mother died. Now everything is completely different. On top of everything, I heard that he may have just been laid off from his job and might have to move to another city for work, which he doesn't want to do. I feel so bad for him and the terrible things he's going through. In some ways I do love him unconditionally and don't want to just walk away. I want to be compassionate and let him know that I'm there to support him. But I can't keep extending myself and letting him hurt me if he doesn't want to accept my help and won't even talk to me. He has a lot to deal with and unfortunately didn't want to turn to me for support, for whatever reason. It seems like he will need a lot more time before he can address his feelings about me. In the end, I think I just have to accept that his irrational and hurtful behavior is due to his issues. Everyone has been telling me that it's him, not me, and I just have to reach a place where I really believe that and stop questioning whether anything I did or didn't do was to blame for his actions or could have made a difference. I just hope that in time he'll come to realize his mistake and try to make amends.

I wonder if he suddenly set up these boundaries like this because of what I did two months ago when I went to the airport and took that flight to try to help him. At the time, it just felt like the right thing to do, and many of my friends were supportive and thought it was awesome of me to go that far for him. It may have been a big gesture, but it was out of real love and something a good friend would have done for him, and not because I was some crazy clingy ex-gf who couldn't let go. And I did not insist on it when he started to get uncomfortable and sent me home. Yes, maybe it was a misstep, but my intentions were good and I gave him plenty of space before and after. But of course I wonder if that whole thing upset him so much that this is why he no longer even wants to talk or be friends...could it be that this is what really turned him off the possibility of getting back together, or even talking to me again? It doesn't seem justified, but could this be the case? I just wish he would say something to me so that I could have some clarity and understanding. The lack of communication is what's made all this so difficult. I have so many options for what to say or not say in my message to him, and I really don't know what's the best path to take!

At least you have the comfort of knowing he's still there in your life, and that he clearly values your friendship. It must be hard to understand why he no longer wants more, but at least he seems to want to talk to you frequently and you know he's there and he cares. He did not throw you away entirely - if that's any consolation at all. In my case I really don't know anymore whether I'll ever hear from him again. I couldn't have imagined that things would end like this, that we could simply stop talking to each other for so long. I remember how happy we were after Valentine's Day when he took me on a romantic getaway across the country. I honestly thought this was going to be the best year of my life. And now he just won't even talk to me. I just wonder where I might have made a mistake, whether anything I did or said could have changed things. It seems like such irrational behavior, but he seems to be normal around everyone else and to think that this is the right thing to do.

I do want to ask to see him again, not because I think I can change his mind, but because I feel like I am owed at least that much effort, and deserve at least a conversation about this, so that I can get more proper closure. And because I am hoping that we can end on better terms than this. It is hard knowing that unlike my other exes, I can no longer count on him at all to be there for me, can't even call him to talk at all, even though I was always there for him when he needed me. I never imagined that he would just turn this cold towards me, and I know I didn't do anything to deserve being treated this way. It is just really strange - at first, even when we were first starting to break up, he felt it was important to be friends and he begged me to stay in his life because he cared deeply about me and I was important to him. He even said that he still loved me. I don't know why he seems to not want contact anymore, and can't even have a face to face conversation like a reasonable and decent person. And it is strange that he knew I was waiting for some news from him for all those months, and patiently trying to give him space but still reaching out now and then, but it still took him this long to write only such a short and terse email. After all this time he won't even give me the consideration of a talk, an apology, or an explanation for any of it. Sometimes when I step back I just really think this is ridiculous and crazy, and dysfunctional. We were in a serious relationship and it deserved more respect than this. There is no reason for us to be on such bad terms. Things were going great and the only reason we broke up was because he couldn't be in a relationship while dealing with his mother's death, but that had nothing to do with me or how good our relationship was. Everyone who knew us knew that I was a great gf to him and that he should have felt so incredibly lucky to have me in his life. I was respectful, sent flowers and expressed condolences, sent kind text messages letting him know I was thinking of him, gave him plenty of space and never put pressure on him to deal with the relationship. Yet his behavior now makes it seem like I did all the wrong things or treated him badly, though I didn't do anything wrong, and he can't even bear to talk to me or have me in his life anymore. I don't know whether this reaction is because he is still grieving or whether he is just completely over it and doesn't care. It is very strangely callous of him. All our communication before this was warm, sweet, humorous. He used to tell me everything, send little affectionate notes and always wanted to let me know about his day, what was in his thoughts. He had so many plans he wanted for our future. The change was also just so incredibly abrupt. I was blindsided and never thought that the night he came home would be the last night I'd ever be at his apartment, and after the last two times I saw him I might not ever see him again in a really long time, if ever. Each of those times he'd always said that we would talk more or he'd see me "soon," giving me the impression that we would try to work things out, so I just tried to be patient and give him space. So I feel like this short and cold email from him is really quite unfair. I still haven't finished writing the email or letter to him. I spent two nights working on a draft, but it was too long and I got some advice that I was still not letting go of my anger and bitterness and that expressing that now would push him away further. I thought my tone wasn't angry, but apparently I was still looking for answers and talking about hurt and blame. If I can't let it go, even after all he has said that was hurtful, then perhaps I shouldn't write to him at all. I know that is true, but it's hard to continue to just be kind to him because I don't want to be a doormat. It would be easier to be compassionate if I knew he was still grieving and hurting badly inside, but I don't know since he won't talk to me about what he feels. His friends say he seems normal and back to business as usual, never talks about his mother or the past. Compassion is noble and loving, but I also feel like it's important for me to stand up for myself and ask for some respect. I never got to talk to him about our relationship at all because I was trying to give him space and respect his grief. Unlike many of the other stories here, there was almost no contact at all after the initial break-up. There is so much I never got to say. A friend suggested that I write it all now and send it, because I may never have another chance to tell him again, and that I need the catharsis. And I also do want to ask to see him again to talk and try to find closure on better terms, but I don't know what my chances of getting that are. Perhaps he just doesn't have any answers for what he's done. I need to ask for my things back, I don't think it'll do any good to wait. But I'm just completely torn up about what else to say in my response.

It's hard to accept or understand why he needs that much distance now. I can't reach him at all, I have no access to him. It's like he died when his mother did. I never really got a chance to talk to him, because he asked me to step out of his life almost overnight. He'd always promised we would talk more, and I tried to give him time and space, but we never got to talk. And now just this rather terse email though I haven't done anything wrong. With his tone it seems as if he feels like I wronged him, rather than the other way around. It's so cold, not at all like the man I knew before. Other things in my life are going well, but I still miss his companionship and miss just being able to talk to him about all the great and interesting things I've been experiencing lately. I need to respond and ask for my things, but I don't know what tone I should take, and what else to say. There's so much I want to say to him but I don't know if it would just be counterproductive right now.

I got an email from him today - the first since his mother died. He basically just said, "There's not a possibility of us getting back together." And that we should not talk for a long time. No guarantees even of that being likely in the future. No explanation at all. And I can't even talk to him about it so that I can try to understand why he made this decision. This is so awful. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. His emails before this were always so affectionate. We were so close, used to spend nearly every day together or at least talked every day. I was the most important person in his life during the last year. I didn't do anything to him to deserve this. I don't know why his feelings kept changing in this direction. How can he be sure of his decision? Before his mother died, he was sure that we'd be together in the future. If his feelings changed so much in four months, how can he possibly know how he will feel in another four months, or six months, or a year? Is this his grief talking?

I've been thinking some more, and I wonder if I really messed up. There's a detail I hadn't mentioned here. Two months ago, and about a month after my bf's mother died, my bf was going to go back to her house to pack her things up. We had talked over the phone a few days before that, and he told me that he felt like a basket case and that his friends and relatives who were supposed to help him with this had bailed on him. I decided that I was going to take a leap of faith. At the time it just felt like the right thing to do. I booked a plane ticket to try to help him with the move. I knew how terrible the ordeal would be for him - when he had been at her house the first week after she died, he couldn't even bear to go into her bedroom. He was surprised to see me at the airport, but didn't seem upset. He even put his arm around me for a bit, just as he always used to, before he pulled it away. I told him I knew he could use my help and that I was there to help him as a friend, with no expectations or pressure. And he seemed to accept it - said it was really sweet of me and that he was touched that I would do this. He smiled a bit and made a silly joke at one point. Because he seemed to accept it, I boarded the plane with him, and it seemed like things were going to be fine. But halfway through the flight, while I was trying to sleep, he started acting very agitated and anxious. Then he said, "You're such a sweetheart, but this isn't right." When we landed, he said I had to go home and he bought me a return ticket right at the gate for the next flight back. He said, "There's too much tension, everything's too emotional, it feels too raw...I feel too much for you to act like we're friends. We need to figure out what we are, and what we're going to be." He gave me a hug, and said that he'd see me soon after he got back - he repeated this a couple of times, as if making a promise. That was the last time I ever saw or talked to him. During that whole encounter, I was really strong, didn't act emotional, just tried to be supportive and calm and gentle, and I never tried to argue with him. He seemed stressed but not upset or angry at me. I tried to give him space after that, and let him feel calmer before getting in touch, but it's been over two months now. I don't know if what I did was a mistake and that's what's caused him to shut me out so much, but I don't think what I did was awful? Surely he should know my intentions were good, and would appreciate the courage it took for me to do that for him? It was a risk, but I just wanted to help him through a very difficult time, when the other people in his life failed him. I thought either he'd realize how much I cared about him, or else he would tell me it was over and I would have closure. But in the end, I was still left in limbo, with him saying again that we'll talk and figure things out - but we still haven't. I just don't know what to think - I am so confused by his behavior. I don't know if I did the right thing or not - some friends said it was an amazing gesture of love and he should have understood it as such. Even friends who understand that he needs space said that this was okay, it just let him know that I was there for him. But I worry that what I did made everything worse. Is it likely that he's angry at me now because of what I did?

I think your attitude is healthy, and I'm glad you are doing what feels best for yourself. It sounds like you are reaching acceptance. A lot of people have been telling me lately that I should move on, for sake of my own well-being. But I feel like those are the people who didn't know me or my bf really well, and they are being a bit cynical. I can't bring myself to ask for my things back yet (and I do need them eventually). Maybe with time I will care less and it will be easier to do that. Until then, I have to believe that he will get in touch eventually. My friend who lost her mother a few years ago said that she just wanted to be alone and pushed everyone close to her away because it was too hard for her to be close to anybody. She said no one could make her feel better and no one could really understand what she was going through, so it was easier for her to be around people with whom she could interact on a more superficial level. She pushed her husband away, but spent more time talking to strangers or people she had just met. She did not tell me to wait, she told me to focus on myself now, but also said that three months is nothing to a grieving person. It isn't because he doesn't care about me, it's just that he doesn't have the ability to take care of my needs right now. He is lost and is trying to find himself again. It is probably especially true because he already lost his father a few years ago, and his mother's death is reactivating that grief as well. His half-siblings are dysfunctional and won't talk to him, so he has no immediate family left. It must feel like he just lost his whole family and his childhood, and that his whole world has been turned upside down. He is entirely alone now - I cannot imagine how devastating that must feel. Next week I start a really great new job - it is actually a pretty big career move, and I wish I could be happy and just be positive. I will try my best. But right now, everything still hurts so much. I can't enjoy any of the things I used to, because all I feel is how wrong it is that my bf and I are not doing those things together anymore. I know he must be hurting even more, and isn't really just going out and enjoying himself. He was a bit of a loner before he met me, and I imagine he is probably spending even more time in solitude now because that's what he feels he needs to do in order to heal. But he shouldn't stay that way forever because he was unhappy being alone before he met me. I made his life a lot better, he always said that I was the one who made him happy. I know he can't think about our relationship right now but I hope that with time, he will remember what we shared and realize that it was a good thing that he should return to.

I have gone back to reading some older posts about other people's experiences again, and found it very helpful, especially this one: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=5585 This is just about the only thing that makes me feel better these days. I guess what I don't know is whether my bf is really still in so much pain from his grief, or if he's already decided to move on and simply doesn't want to tell me, hoping I will eventually give up and go away. It doesn't seem possible that this could be the case, but then again, I never thought he could just drop me almost overnight and not contact me for two months either. It is still a tremendous shock to me. Some friends have said that after this long, his inability to talk to me isn't grief, it's just over, but from this forum I have learned how powerful grief can be. With my guy, I still don't know what is going on, but I am reminding myself to be patient and compassionate.

Thank you for helping me try to be patient. I still think this should not be acceptable behavior and find it hard to understand, but I will try to blame it on him probably being emotionally unstable right now, though of course I can't really know what is going on in his head and heart. It feels so wrong that someone could treat me this way, especially somebody who was closer to me than anyone, and who had always led me to believe that I could count on him. Even in the hardest of times, friends and those we care about are owed some consideration and respect, and until this happened I could not have believed that he would ever treat anyone like this, even someone who was far less dear to him. It doesn't make any sense for him to shut me so completely out of his life when he is going through such a difficult time and reaching out to everyone else who matters to him.