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Rona

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  1. This is my first time on here and I'm not sure of what I am doing, but here goes: I SO feel your pain in what you are going through. I am so sorry that your grieving process has had to be affected by people's selfishness and carelessness. My Mother died almost a year ago. My husband & I dropped everything to drive down to Mesa to bring my parents home after we received phone calls from Mom's friends telling us that she was so sick. As soon as we saw my Mother, my husband & I KNEW she was dying. She was a very 'young' 78 and my dad was 84. We gave up a whole week, driving, working to exhaustion every day until we could leave and drive them to Utah. I tried to make the drive fun for my Mother - we laughed and laughed when we drove over the new Hoover Dam, calling it a Damm fine dam!! etc. and she later told her friends that it was such a fun ride home. None of my siblings did a thing to get them home, or even really believed me that she was that sick!!! 2 of them later chipped in with cash for our trip and that ticked my dad off. (I, as the oldest and being a daughter, am pretty much the only child who has done much for my parents. I have helped, to a HUGE degree each time, to move them to new homes 5 times, I painted one entire house for them, and for 15 years I drove 1 hour each way in the spring to plant Mom's Mother's Day & spring flowers for/with her, plus MANY many other trips to help them. They have come for MANY, many dinners at my house, I've helped for days after her surgeries, etc. Sorry, to stray in my thoughts, but I have NEVER in my life caused my parents grief or embarrassment. I have always honored them, never gone to jail, never had to go to rehab, never made them go into debt for any bad habits, etc.) Once we got my Mother home and to the cancer specialist, she was beyond any help. My dad basically just sat in the corner of the doctor's office while the doctor spoke to me, having me feel her spleen and other growths in her abdomen. I was the one who had to give out the information to my 2 brothers and a sister, as well as my 6 kids and all of the other grandkids. (The other sister lives 10 hours away and has sent nasty letters to almost everyone in the family over the years, my Mother & I being the main recipients of them. She never bothered to call her dying Mother or even come to the funeral). I sent multiple texts keeping everyone in the loop as all of this was happening. A biopsy was done on her to see if the cancer was at stage 4 yet. While waiting, she went downhill rapidly and my dad called me on May 4th, 2011 and asked me to come up there, as she had been falling down, etc. Something told me to take everything I would need for a while so I packed and drove the hour there, only to have my dad say, "What took you so long???" I suggested later that night that we take her to the local hospital and my dad agreed. My husband dropped everything again, and 3 of our sons and their wives came up to the hospital to be with their Grandmother. One couple drove 2 hours each way and the others 1 hour each way. The hospital had access to all of my Mother's records and did numerous tests: no pneumonia, no cancer spreading to her brain, etc., in other words, they could only keep her at the hospital if my dad paid. Medicare would not pay for dying treatment and so I was asked if we wanted Hospice to be sent in. My husband & I said yes, but my dad still didn't get it. Basically, I was with my Mother for the last 8 days of her life. She didn't really like my dad and it had been a sad, unfulfilling(sp)marriage. My Mother didn't want my dad in her bedroom (they hadn't shared a bed for 15 - 20 years)all the time she was dying. One brother had heavy work pressure but came up as often as he could, one had just had a surgery and could do nothing. He later bought the burial dress and that was a wonderful contribution. My out of state sister (not the psycho one) couldn't do much and was in the middle of pulling off her daughter's huge wedding in Salt Lake City. I felt bad for her. She flew in and came up there all upset thinking nothing was being done for Mom (WHATTTT THE HELLLLL???)yelling "Why isn't Mom in the hospital?!? WHY aren't we supposed to make her eat food?????", she just didn't get it and I had to be the one to tell her that she was dying. I'll never forget her face, and it was the FIRST time we have ever been in a 'fight'. May 3rd was the last full night of sleep I got for well over a week. I 'slept' on a blow up mattress a neighbor brought over. I had the full care of my Mother, I showered her by getting in with her while I was in my underwear, and did EVERYTHING humanly possible to ease her through this hellish death. Anyone who thinks a death from cancer is "peaceful" just doesn't get it. I was beyond exhausted. My daughter who has 3 children helped one day , and my other daughter & her boyfriend drove all the way from Moab, Utah at the BEST time of the year for making money from their serving jobs and gave up over a week to help. At the end of Mom's life, we had to give her liquid morphine and liquid haldol for anxiety. There were times when I JUST COULD NOT PUT THAT NASTY TASTING STUFF IN HER MOUTH ONE MORE TIME and my darling daughter would do it for me while we both stood there and sobbed. After she died, I was in such a state of shock and exhaustion that my brother had to really push me to help with the obituary...I couldn't even seem to think. I had to do the entire funeral, deal with relatives, coordinate with the ward/neighbors (we are LDS), and EVERYTHING else that had to be done. I made a beautiful display of photos, etc., my sister helped a tiny bit, and my daughters helped also. My Moab daughter talked to my dad and found out that "Because God Gave Me You" was sung at their wedding, and he asked her to sing it at the funeral. She did a BEAUTIFUL job and some of the relatives wept during it. What I am getting at is that my family (6 kids & their spouses) and my husband have done 95% of anything that ever got done for our parents over the last 41 years. Two weeks after Mom died, the psycho sister from Idaho sent our dad an asinine letter talking about her DOGS and NEVER mentioning the sad fact that our Mother had just died.....pointedly telling dad that she is there for HIM but doesn't give a CRAP about our Mother. A day after the letter came, my family, again had driven up to his home, taking a huge huge roast beef dinner, homemade rolls, and the works to be with him. There he stood with that stupid letter, almost crying, shaking, saying "I'm not going to have your sister come down here and bad-mouth your Mother!" Somehow, in the grieving process, he must have gone mental, or something, because he and that sister are now BEST friends, I have been blamed for anything and EVERYTHING they can think of, I have been accused of stealing my Mother's jewelry and artwork, I have been 'thrown under the bus' for the most stupid, petty, childish things imaginable. In September, 4 months after my Mother's death, my dad used trickery and deception to get me to drive up there so that he could scream at me and accuse me for an hour. All of my siblings KNEW he was going to do this. I had picked up that he was angry, but had NO CLUE what for. He has asked me SEVEN TIMES, sometimes in an accusatory manner 'WHERE ARE YOUR MOTHER'S WEDDING RINGS??????" I have been accused of attempting to get gold coins that I didn't even know my Mother possessed. It is now the end of April, almost a year since my Mother died and I have been through the most unbelievably hellish experience I could ever imagine. My dad has gossiped about me and the things he thinks I have done to all of his siblings, my siblings, at least 2 of my children and my Mother's close friends. If someone would have told me this would happen after all I have done for my parents for my whole life, I wouldn't have believed them!!! Two weeks ago I talked to one of my Mother's friends on the phone for almost half an hour. She told me that they (her close girlfriends) are all "SO DISGUSTED THAT HE WOULD DO THIS AND TREAT HIS DAUGHTER THIS WAY!!!". That is how I found out that he has gossiped about me to everyone who will listen (it's a VERY small town). The friend said "Your Mother always raved and raved about you and everything you did for them over the years. We don't know HOW he can say these things, and WE DO NOT BELIEVE HIM!!!" I consider it a huge blessing that I was able to talk to this friend of my Mom's who KNOWS me. My dad called me again 3 days ago and wants to go round 2 with me, I guess and wants my husband and me to drive up there. He asked me AGAIN "Where are your Mother's wedding rings?????" None of us remember seeing her wearing her wedding rings for years....I have NO idea where they would be. At times I have felt pure evil coming out of my dad, other times, it seems like he has lost his mind, still other times, I feel scared that he may do something. I can't see this ever being resolved. My husband is SICK of my family's petty, idiotic accusations and behavior. I'm embarrassed that he has seen this and I am exhausted right in to my BONES from all of it. My dad called my oldest son 3 days ago and said, "I'm lonely." My son said, "Well, Grandpa, what is this even all about, anyway that you have alienated my Mother?" Then he proceeded to say his usual crap, exaggerations and lies about me TO MY SON. How can this happen?????? Why is it that the one who does the MOST gets treated like this? The other children did NOTHING. One thing I know is that my dad has always been jealous that my Mom & I were close and they never were. That is not my fault---she needed SOMEONE in her life. The other kids may have thought I was her favorite, and I may have been, again, that is not my fault or doing. What have they ever invested in helping her???? Nothing. I have felt my Mother with me comforting me, and I have had coincidences where I have found cards and books from years ago with messages in her beautiful handwriting that make me think she is aware that I have been suffering. I know she would HATE what dad has been doing. It is disgraceful and disgusting. Now I have ranted for quite a while, and I am sorry; I meant to address your problem. I hate to tell you, but barring a miracle, your family may stay torn apart. One thing my dad has done is make SURE not to do anything my Mother wanted done with her personal belongings---he will do the opposite of what she wanted done, just to have control or power or some stupid, pathetic thing. Back in September he screamed at me: "THESE. THINGS. ARE. M-I-N-E.!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her jewelry, her make-up, the pictures and gift we have given her over the years? How sad & pitiful, when he could be almost a hero right now and be so generous. I'm sorry, please keep in touch, however, I've been a pretty big downer tonight. Take care, Rona
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