pbjb

Thanks everyone. I got a scare today and decided to cool it for a long long while. guys can be creepy with these online dating sites. I told one after a strange chat that I decided I am just not ready for this. It was just another overwhelming thing that I do not need right now.

Hi everyone. I love this site! Maybe someone can relate to this. Although I would not wish it on anyone. It has been just about 5mos now. I feel stronger. But, I may have tried too soon to take this step. I thought I met someone that made me feel like everything would be ok. He was interested in me and I miss so much the companionship and laughter Jeff and I had. So I started commuicating this past week with this man and thought " wow I feel good again". We have much in common. Except the fact that I am widowed and he divorced for 16 years. Well, we haven't even verbally talked yet and I guess after he saw my picture(and I'm not unattractive) decided someone else was better for him. So all these silly highschool insecurities came back to haunt me. And I've been having abandonment dreams where Jeff is leaving me. Of course I understand the dreams and even understand that the opposite sex in any case will have different feelings until you meet the right person. But you realize how hard it is to be back into the single pool? It sucks! I talk to Jeff everynight. I know he wanted me to move on and I know in my mind he has to approve of whom I choose to be with. I myself know exactly what I want. And it is not to play games. At 50 years old I know you don't need a man/woman to be happy. But when all you want is someone to enjoy daily activities with why does it seem like your asking for too much?

Melina......... If you read my post yesterday and then asked me how I feel today I would say "just like you!" Unfortunately for some "unknown" reason I feel depressed today. Sad, lonely and just plain miserable! I had a good week last week and thought hummm, maybe I'm on the road to bouncing back. And then last night and today......complete opposite! No wonder we all feel sometimes like we are going crazy! I am probably the last person to make anyone feel good right now. This going backwards is for the birds! I do think sometimes we try too hard to keep busy and we overwhelm ourselves. And this "new life" is going to take a long time to get used to. Like you I look at other woman and think how lucky they are to have their loved one. But, my motherinlaw said to me once that you never know how many of these woman are on their second marriage. She was widowed at about the same age as myself and she remarried 2 years later to as wonderful a person as her first. So I guess we have to consider that the future may not be as bleek as we feel now. Gosh I hope! I can't stand the thought of growing older with just my animals and my sister living with me. She moved in to help keep me company. But I can't imagine that this is all that is left of my life. Okay, enough self pity. Maybe tomorrow or by the weekend we will feel better about all this. Pray for strength. We all need it sometimes no matter how long its been!

Earl... The pain may stay but as someone posted earlier you can't and I won't let grief take control. Jeff or your wife would not have wanted that. The pain is lessened when I feel him with me in my heart. I still cry but less severely than before. You have to take some comfort in knowing they are in a safe place watching over us. I hope you feel differently later on. We are all here to help with that.

Thank you to all of your replys for all the encouragement. Last night (9/11) was very important that I watched the 6 hours of concerts that VH put on for the families of our victoms. I felt Jeff was watching too. It made me feel close to many who are suffering still. All we can do is hope for the best until our time. I'll keep posting. I just needed that time to help heal and get my thoughts together. Everyone have a positive great day!

It has been quite some time since I've been on here. My Views have definately changed. I know it has only been a little over four months but I'm beginning to see how my first topic (Our existance....or ceasing to exsist) has effected me. The first 2 1/2 mos were practically unbearable. As time moves forward though I believe in so much more. For instance...I feel Jeff with me all the time. I know his spirit is in my heart. I feel him in the way these days have played out. I pray every night to him and god. Because I do believe their spirits are with us. And I thank them for getting me this far and pray for strength every day. To any one going through this kind of grief, know that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I have close friends and family. But some of us have no one. Don't be afraid to talk things out with whom ever will listen. Or even talk every night to the one you lost. It will be painful at first.....but then you realize that they can hear you and you remember what they would say. I still laugh at myself when I do something that he would have a crazy comment about. That is when the talking started to make me feel better. This site has been wonderful as a healer and though I've not been logged on....I read all of everyones topics everyday in my email updates. I'll pray for all of you and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing (I know, I didn't believe this either)that THINGS WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. I also know that I still have bad days ahead. But, I will get through them. I have to for Jeff. I know he is happy when things go well. Just as all of your loved ones are happy as you have good days. Thanks to all of you and your posts!

What a nice tribute and very appropiate song. I cried the whole way through this. My Jeff was also a Patriot fan....but his fave team your Jeff would prbably go ugh! That would be the Giants. Have a nice evening with your family. Hope for a good future. You had a wonderful past! Patty

Tammy I visited this website and it gives some very good information. I am only on week 10 of losing Jeff. But I am falling backwards instead of ahead. Hopefully I can try to implement some of these suggestions. His death falls into the catagory of knowing long before he died. But it still makes no difference if you know or not. The pain is just as severe because you get used to taking care of someone and now they are gone. We had no kids and friends and family are very supportive but not always here. So it is more difficult to get out of this funk I'm in now. That is why I love this site. It is a way to release the negative. Today I will try to release a little positive.

I know when I hear of someone in the family or friend down on thier luck or having a hard time with their spouse/loved one I first feel grateful I had such a loving life with Jeff But then I become overwhelmed knowing I may not ever feel like this again. So I've been on a crying streak for weeks now. I can't seem to shake it. I want so bad for this misery to go away. I'm trying to figure out how to go on and feel this spirituality but can't seem to grasp it. I know it is there but it keeps coming and going. My doctor says crying is a way of cleansing your soul. So maybe I'll wake up tomorrow feeling a bit better. And I hope you do the same. I think all of us on here could probably form an ocean, maybe an ocean to a new way of happiness. I pray we all find it.

Dwayne- I am very grateful for this site and the friends I have made on here. I look forward to healing and maybe someday be able to help others who go through this kind of grief. I'll be going back to church next week. Another big step forward. It is helping me to understand what life is realy all about. I know in time the pain will be less severe and I will never forget what a wonderful 26 years we had together. But moving forward right now seems like it is such slow motion! Glad we are all in this boat helping each other to paddle! Everyone-I hope your day is going in the right direction. pbjb

Thank you for the encouragement. I am starting to feel there must be something to all this because I always feel him in my heart. I am very comfortable in our home also. That must mean something. I am not afraid. Just sad. And I truley hope someday my life as I new it and my new ventures will encourage others. Your wife looks like she had a wonderful disposition and good sense of humour. Glad you feel her in your life also.

Harry... That was one of the most helpful things I have read on here pertaining to my topic. I went to church today for the first time in years. I felt like a stone sitting there surrounded by people I didn't know. But everytime the pastor spoke of a spiritual life, I listened closely. I thought...I dont want to come back but by the time I got home I changed my mind. I'll be going again next week. Something else I read on your thread that caught my eye was the fact of loving others,helping others. That is something I have always done. Although as I said earlier in my threads, you can only help those who want help. That can be frustrating when you see so much potential in a person that they can't see. My husband Jeff was a great person when it came to helping others. He had such a kind,loving heart. He did not like it when people told him how good he was or how loved he was. He had a hard time accepting himself. Once he got sick it was even harder on him because he did not want people hurting over him so he began to push people away. I used to tell him keep pushing because we are not going anywhere. He would tear up because he knew his time in the last 6 mos was so limited. I am beginning to understand that his existance had such an impact on people that I believe this is why I feel him when I'm home. If I'm out somewhere I miss him and want to get home. that has to mean something spritually. Like you said if we live our lives with love it wont matter what the truth is. But I'm beginning to believe there has to be more when we are gone. Thank you for opening my eyes a little more. I felt at ease today for the first time in weeks. Our bodies need extra rest when grieving and I was mistaking this for depression. I am depressed. But not to the point that I can't do anything. I don't want to disapoint him either because he worked so hard to make me strong. But I know he understands that this is too soon to recover from such a loss. And to others out there going through this depression part.don't feel guilt for letting your mind and body rest a little more. It is what we need to help make us strong. Thank you so much for contacting me.........I hope you too feel comfort in knowing you had a wonderfuul life with Jane.

I have been going through this too. Crying now for two weeks off and on . I pick up the phone and usually call someone who will just talk about nothing Special dates will make you feel a little more sad. It has been exactly 2 mos as of the 8th for me. I try hard to take in some of the great advice I read on here.It does help. I want to share something that happened last night with you and all who read these posts. I know it may sound crazy..And I for one am sceptical of some of the things I hear or read about. But, last night one of my dogs (I have a border collie austrailian shep mix named Matilda-very smart. And a Large lab/great dane mix named Echo- very doofy!) Well Echo who is normally a laid back dog started around 8pm last night acting all freaked out.I thought she was sick or saw something. I took her through the house opened all doors and showed her nothing was there. She wouldn't drink water even though she was panting heavy and she would sit or lay down for a few seconds but be back at the pacing. She would not go outside either. She crwled up behind my head in bed got next to me and stuck to me like glue. Again only for a few seconds. I called my sister. Explained what was going on because I got concerned. She said dogs are very intuitive and maybe she felt Jeff's spirit? I really believe that because he loved our animals. And since Echo really didn't want to be on the couch with me like always. I think Jeff was on the couch and roaming the house. This morning she is fine. I really hope we all can stay positive and beat these blues and get through these tough times. I know most of us want some normalcy back. We won't get it 100% but any little bit I am willing to grab onto along with some change that we all have to accept. Everyone have a good day today. Even if you have a bad day find something , any little thing to make you feel better! PBJB

Thank you Mary! I read what I wrote and it made me chuckle a bit. One of our favorite shows is Saturday Night Live. (We are all about humour, we both loved to laugh.) And I thought about Debbie Downer..Don't know if your familier with that character. I don't plan on being down all the time but it is nice to know people on here won't mind. Think of Debbie Downer if I get too sad, I don't mind if people chuckle too. It is a great way to heal!

I know I'll be with him again somehow. Just not feeling it right now. I need to work through these emotions before I can begin to heal and believe in faith. I believed before...I WILL again. Thank you so much.

I hope in time I do go back to believing in hope (of seeing him again) and faith (that things will be alright) and believing things happen for a reason. Thats how I always felt. But since his death I've been through so many emotions...the last 2 weeks of depression is what I am having a hard time with. Although I did have a good 3 day weekend being with family. Hopefully this coming weekend and next week will be a change. (see my message to dwayne) Thank you for your support. pbjb

I feel like nothing is protecting my sanity right now. I have been depressed for 2 weeks straight and constantly crying. I'll keep waiting for that scar tissue to help cover the wounds. I'm seeing my doctor sooner than my original appt(Sept)and I'm going Wednesday to a grief support group in my town. I don't want to be a downer so I'll keep in touch when I feel at least a little better. pbjb

I want to let all of you on this site to know how much I appreciate the support. I read all your stories and find something in each of you that makes you special. your spouses were lucky to have you in their lives. I 'm taking it day by day. Since the last couple days were rough I think my weekend will be more calming. I like to do things around the house to keep busy. And of course I have my 4 legged kids to keep me motivated! I tried to upload a picture but have to try to figure out a way to make it smaller. Hope all of you have a good weekend. pbjb

You hit the nail on the head! This is what I've been going through. I too keep looking for signs and the only time I felt him (or so I thought) was the first week when I was so traumatized my brain went into overload mode and I woke up shaking! Our brains are one powerful part of us and everytime i hear stories I connect them to our thoughts that have been embedded in our heads for all of the years we have lived. This has been proven by doctors. But, I feel if I don't believe in something what is my point in being here? You can't change a person who does not want to help themselves so how can we be an influence? We can only try and hope. Jeff will be remembered by many who loved him. But when I'm gone I can only hope that we are wrong and they are wrong. Because I want to be with him. I never thought of myself as a church goer but maybe I can find some answers there. Lets hope time heals but not erase what we so strongly want to hold onto. Thank you for your honesty. I don't think you can offend just because of what you feel. pbjb

I think everyone in some way on here has said something to help. Thank you...........It has been a rough couple of days. I hope my comments did not offend anyone because that was not my intention. I can't wait for Sunday. I need to start looking through a different set of eyes. it will be rough....but I'll be ok. (at least til my next meldown!)

I'm having a terrible and confusing time trying to make sense of everything. Before Jeff died he said we will just cease to exist. Just like before we are born. But yet he believed in a greater force than anyone can imagine. Why can't we somehow know that our loved one is ok? Why must we suffer so badly? I believe things happen for a reason but this is beyond reasoning to me right now. Does anyone else feel like this? The disbelief is hardest for me right now. How can a life begin just to be taken away? Yea, I know we are suppose to have a purpose here. Then what? We wind up ceasing to exist? And the people whose lives we made a difference to will eventually have the same fate? It makes no sense. I'm going to church Sunday and hope I can begin to understand........but I have my doubts my questions will be met with anything but more confusion. pbjb

Stick to your promise! Did Pauline want you to stay @ the apt permanently or do you have the option of taking some of her ashes and moving into a permanent place once you fulfill your desire to become a nurse? I only ask because later in life she may have wanted the best for you and she would still be part of any decision you make. Believe me ......I will be staying in our home we bought together and fixed up until I have to move. Which hopefully I can stay but I don't know what the future holds. I do know I will always have him with me. I also have his ashes. I'm writing so early in the morning because I could not sleep. Even after a full busy day. I hope your friend is on his way to recovery. Let him know he is no burden to his wife. When you love someone that much you don't think of helping as a chore. It is a caring and normal way of getting through a tough time. I loved helping my husband. I did sometimes forget just how sick he was because he tried so hard to be normal as far as everyday things. Hope you have plans to go see fireworks or to a cookout. It will help you get through the weekend faster. That's what I'm doing because when I sit for more than 30 min doing nothing and trying to relax I start feeling sad and lonely. I wish time didn't feel like it was standing still. The disbelief hasn't gone away. In time your mom will hopefully understand your decisions and be proud of your strength and ability. If not, You have yourself and Pauline and friends who will be proud and they are your family too! Write you again soon. Take care and trust in yourself....that goes for anyone reading this who is feeling down! Patty