Claudia

Larrysgirl, I totally understand the feelings that you are experiencing. On the 8th of this month it will be one whole year since my Dennis died. My heart aches just exactly the same way it did the instant he left me. Also I have experienced the 'feelings' of others being forced on me...."you should get out more", "make new friends", "life goes on you know", or on the other hand if I have had any opportunity to experience 'feelings' - I get the statements like 'you are disgracing Dennis's name" or 'how could you even think of experiencing that so soon since Dennis died".....people DO NOT have ANY idea what we are feeling let alone what they will not allow themselves to 'feel'. The only advice I have to give, is this....Let yourself feel sorrow and pain for as long as it is necessary for you. Feel loneliness, distanct, yearning for their look, their touch. I do know that whatever it is you have to go thru to reach another day, do it. Even now, I simply cannot allow myself to think of even being as close to another person ever again in my life, as Dennis and I were. But we do not know what God has planned for our lives. So allow yourself the freedom to feel, whatever it is that has to be felt. That will help you to realize that God may have something for your life even greater than anything you could ever imagine. Just be good to yourself. Don't be too hard on you!!! Take care and blessings to you always. Claudia

Walt's son, please be assured that we are praying for Walt, you and your entire family.

Kellymarie, Spela and Ann, I have been reading your notes and have been thinking exactly how to say this. Having gone through this whole thing of losing a spouse, before, I know first hand that that is the way other people, even your closest friends, react to death. They withdraw. They don't know how to react to death if they have not been this close to it before. I wish I could explain why people act and react the way they do. I can't. I thought that, with the death of my second husband, the reactions of his friends and, actually mine too, things would be different and I would not experience the isolation this time. It is totally the same!!!! I have gone weeks without phone calls from people. I have been fortunate, this time my step daughter has kept in contact with me. With my first marriage, my three step children totally dropped off the face of the earth. My son lost contact with his step brother and two step sisters too. My second husband has a daughter who has a little daughter and baby son. I am very fortunate that she and I had gotten so close during my husbands illness and death. So far she has remained as close. I can only hope that she will remain as close in the future. I wish there was a different answer to how people react in the presence of death. But from my personal experiences, the reactions are exatly the same. After all is said and done, you become a STRONGER person within yourself. As much as I have labored over this delema of how to react to the reactions of people, it all comes down to how people have experienced death in their own lives. I have a very close friend who lives some 450 miles distant from me. We had been separated soon after my first husband died. We have been reunited after the death of my second husband. She experienced the loss of her sister almost one year ago. Through that experience, she has gained the insight, compassion, empathy and trust that only one that has experienced such a loss can have. You will find the same in people that you know also. Blessing to you all. Peace will come. Time will allow it. Claudia

Hi everyone...I was out of town for three weeks, it was wonderful...and then I had to come home. It was very hard driving back home. When I crossed the state line to Arizona, I fell apart. The memories flooded my being. It was extremely difficult to drive back into my driveway, with all of the memories flooding my soul. I had told myself that I wouldn't be visiting this site again; it was better for me I thought. But once I logged on and started to read all of the new postings, I felt secure once again. I think I've told you before that this is the death of my second husband. I visited the gravesite of my first husband when I was in California. My grandson, who is 9 years old and never met his Grandfather, groomed his headstone and I introduced them. It was wonderful, yet so difficult at the same time. I freaked out when I was so unfamiliar with the cemetary that had changed so much since I had been back, I was not able to find his headstone. My second husband died four months ago today. Today is not a very fun day!!! So many things have happened in these four months. Friends have said that "it is only two, or three months", yet to me it seems an eternity!! I can't say that the second time makes the first any easier to handle. It has been 14 years since my first husband died. I still an very confused, very distant, very hurt and very sad. At times all I can do is cry. But that really doesn't make it any easier to handle. I wish there was a magic time where we all could say, things will be better. I wish I knew when that would be. We all must keep putting our best foot forward, trying to make some good out of all of this mess. Time does distance us from the excruciating pain. But is does not make it any easier to handle. I think I know how it will be, having experienced it all before. But the second time is so much more difficult for me to handle. This was my dream I was living. And it was taken away from me. WHY???? I still do not know. I do know that time eases the pain. And I am hoping for that now. Please take good care, all of you. And, God Bless..... Claudia

Thank you Walt for that wonderful insight. After having lost my first husband almost 13 years ago, I can relate to that totally. But having lost my second husband, whom I loved so much greater and in a much different way, it does not get any easier, the second time around..... But I definately am a much richer person for having loved this man to the fullest of my being. It is not any easier though.... I might say it is even more intense this time! I will look forward to healing with time, again . . . . Thanks! Claudia

Shell, Thank you for your ecouragement....It is so very hard to let go of things. Looking at all of the posts on this board, I realize that possibly this is part of being a woman also. Dennis was so sick, yet all he could say was "I am so sorry for having to put you through this again . . . " I would cry and tell him that it isn't important. The only thing that was important was that I wanted HIM to be with me and since it didn't look like he would be, nothing really mattered any more anyway. I am going to be away for about three weeks. I am going to pick up my darlig little grandson in southern California, then on to Sacramento to visit with Dennis' daughter and her family. They have two small children also. I will check in with you all as soon as I return. Warm thoughts to you and THANKS for your encouragement!! Claudia

Good Morning everyone - Kellymarie, thank you for your words of welcome and encouragement. At first I didn't want anyone to "know" how I was feeling or coping, or 'trying to cope', with the pain that is inside of me. I have been going though a very tough time. Everyone wants to 'fix it', yet they continually are doing things that cause more damage than good. What I considered my closest friend has turned out to be a manipulating, deceitful person who I can no longer put my trust in. Not only has she caused more pain to me, but has caused irrepairable damage to others as well. After reading all of the messages, I have realized that all the time I have been hiding inside of myself, it is only 'prolonging the agony' so to speak and it will take that much longer to resolve all of these issues. It won't do damage to 'show' my feelings, even though that in itself is so difficult for me to do. I am so very tired of being the 'happy' person, to cover my inward feelings. People do not realize that what is a 'short' time for them, has been an 'eternity' for me. My 'friend' says, 'it has only been two short months since Dennis (my husband) died"; yet to me it has been "an eternity".... It is now three months, 10 days since my lover and soul mate died. I try to focus on daily activities to keep myself from totally losing it. Yet at times I find myself distancing myself from the reality that Dennis will no longer walk into the room. Our dog, Milo, a wonderfully loving, big black lab, mopes around the house some days like he has lost his best friend..... well, I guess he has, huh? Yet at times I think he has been with Dennis, because he looks at me as if to say, 'Mommy, he is right here, can't you see him?' When I say 'daddy' his ears still perk up!! Even though I haven't written as often as I have read all of the replies on this site, like I said earlier, I continually read and 'refill' my resources with all of the insights from everyone. Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads . . I don't have my dad with me any more either. He died two years before my first husband. Thanks again - Claudia

Hello, This is the first time I have written on a discussion panel, let alone get involved in a Grief Healing Discussion Group. I am experiencing the loss of my second husband; first husband died in Sept. 1992, I was 38 years old; recent death of my present husband was on March 8,2006. There aren't words to explain the pain that I am experiencing. With the 'three month mark' having just passed, I can totally relate to what you all have said. I just returned home from a "weekend away", was alone and it was totally awful!!!!!!!!!! I could not have even imagined that it was going to be so bad. Raw emotions flooded my soul - I lost it! After having read the recent messages, I realize that I am not losing my mind . . . or my sanity. Thank you all for writing and sharing your experiences. You have helped me realize that is does help to see that there are others feeling the same way as I do.