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haveFAITH

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    Last year
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    Kansas City

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  1. Hi Lily, (Hi Kay, remember me?) I just wanted to let you know that I had been following your posts and I just wanted to let you know that I had been in your shoes about a year ago ...when I first found this website and started getting advice from Kay. I remember reading her tell me the exact same thing and although I knew everything she was saying was right... it was difficult to accept that she was saying it. I didnt want to believe that I had to let it go. Hell! I DIDNT WANT TO LET IT GO! I didnt care what he had did that was wrong to me... because at the same time I felt that he was the one who could make it all right again. My 'significant other' drove me mad after his father passed away. I did everything to be patient. To be kind to him and not give him grief over any pain that he was causing me... because it made me feel guilty that he was already dealing with so much... I didnt want to add to it. I want to let you know that my decision to reply to your post after one year of being sober from talking about this and dwelling on it.... was because I can relate to the anxiety. I remember the first months going through this... how choaked I felt. Like I couldnt breathe because all I wanted was to be with him. And the worst part was going around in circles thinking to yourself that the reason he isnt with you isnt because there is anything wrong with you... or your relationship with him. It was nothing that you did wrong. You were perfect together! "Made for each other" .....but because of this ...everything was now ruined? And you just have to accept it. ITS A HARD THING TO FACE! ITS STRESSFUL! YOU CANNOT FOCUS ON ANYTHING!! While he is grieving for his loss, you are grieving for yours too! TOTAL UNFAIR SITUATION. I understand it --- What ended up happening to me was that I couldnt handle being here anymore. Every where i'd go reminded me of being there with him... or how id LIKE to be there with him. Id end up flipping out my phone to text him with something random to say hoping it would turn into a long conversation and he would maaaaybe end up missing me? And then dreaming about it all going back to normal. Lord the amount of POSITIVE books I had read... the amount of church I went to in those months... The amount of hope and faith I had for everything to work out. You know, another horrible thing is them telling you they still love you. And care for you. And you know its real. THEY DO LOVE US. But that isnt enough. How much easier it would be for them to just spit in our face.... tell us we're worthless and good for nothing......... so that you can be like 'wow! jerk!!' and then itll give you the incentive to move forward. Anyway, I ended up leaving the country. I went to China for 4 months. Took a semester off. It made it so much easier not to text or imagine him there with me. It was a whole new world!!!!!! I deactivated my facebook. Totally fell off the grid. I felt free. Missed him. But felt like it was in the past because where I was now was SO DIFFERENT. You know what I mean? I came back in January. Reactivated facebook. He messaged me right away. He literally said everything that I wanted to hear. The sorry...... the I miss you..... the everything. I remember crying in fear because I had come so far.... AND I WAS SO SCARED TO GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE. Days went by... I started falling. Texting again... DYING TO SEE HIM. He didnt make the effort to meet me. SO I WENT TO SURPRISE HIM AT WORK. He was so excited to see me. But it led to be a source of argument later on. He used it against me. He told me that all he wanted was to be friends, but that it didnt mean 'friends had to be on top of eachother all the time'. He told me that although our time together was great 'it was never leaning towards long term' ....and in the time I had left him alone with the thought that i'd been patient and giving him space.......... he said 'we were always off and on anyway. it was never a continuous thing' (which means he was probably with someone else ---and thats why he thought I was never a "continuous thing". God knows while I was in China..... FAR FAR AWATY... I STILL THOUGHT OF HIM AS A ""CONTINUOUS THING"" ... Anyway... after all of this ...I have seen the light. AND GONE DARK ON HIM! I DONT EVEN HAVE A FACEBOOK ANYMORE. DELETED IT. DONT WANT TO SEE ANYTHING FROM ANYONE!!!!!!! Again I say, I miss him sometimes. But after a while you sort of realize on your own (without anyone telling you) that you are better off without him. You will learn to see that him loosing you is a greater loss for him than it is for you... BECAUSE YOU COULD HELP HIM. He is the one saying he doesnt want it. YOU ARE AMAZING FOR TRYING. FOR WANTING TO BE THERE. The loyalty is so honorable!!! And I have allll the allllllllllllllllllll the faith that you are going to see the light. Its hard now, because its just the beginning. But you'll see it. You'll always miss him. But you'll understand that its for the best. YOU WILL! Just hold your head up and keep swimming. .............thanks for letting me share my story!
  2. She always seems to be going through one thing or another, it must be that you're getting used to this. As if you're not ever going through anything?
  3. Reading this thread has been really nice for me. Not only am I learning from it to apply to what is going on in my situation now, but it can help me with anything I may go through in the future. Thank you! And please continue keeping us posted. I will be checking out that book!!
  4. He's dumped you... But he's happy to leave you as his Facebook Friend. Usually because, he wants to keep an eye on what you're up to! And guess what...It's no longer any of his business! Whether you're still dealing with the heartbreak he left you with, or you're having a fabulous time with someone new, he has no right to know! You already have his email address should it be absolutely necessary at some point to contact him, and he has yours, so you have no reason to allow him (or anyone else who's online) to think you're still "Friends". Breakups play with the emotions of even the most emotionally mature person. And allowing him to remain as your online 'Friend' will play with your emotions. Even if he hasn't updated his profile recently saying what a fun night out he had (The same night you stayed home alone in tears), if he simply puts up a new profile photo you can still feel a whole range of emotions, and could find yourself asking yourself questions such as - Where was he when this was taken? Who took this photo? Are they any Woman in the background? Did he put it up purposely to hurt me? Were some of OUR friends there, and I wasn't invited? Not exactly what you need to worry about at the end of your working day, and while you're moving on and trying to forget about him. Soon you could also be coming home to Status Lines involving his new love interests. Ewww! And you don't need to be the kind of ex-girlfriend who leaves a smart remark on his profile like "Well, I hope you treat her better than you treated me".He'll know how to discretely 'pull at your strings' so save your dignity in advance, and just don't give him the opportunity to do it. For some guys, keeping ex-girlfriends as 'Online Friends' is like keeping a 'Little Black Book" - So don't feel flattered that he hasn't deleted you. He wants attractive woman 'Friends' on his Contact List because it makes him feel good. It flatters his ego. Yes he's probably been collecting all of his ex-girlfriends, some even from years ago, adding them as 'Friends' to feed his ego! Or worse, to compare with the next girlfriend who comes along, but you don't need to one of those girls! And what's worse, now that he's single you might see more ex-girlfriends popping up as his 'Friends' - even the one's he's bitched to you about! There are guys who will still do this even when they've already found a new relationship, and they could be trying to prove to their ex-girlfriends that they're worthy - now they're found Miss Right - they want to show off, thinking this relationship now proves they've turned out to be a great 'relationship kind of guy' . Yeah right! He just ended a great relationship! And ending it means, he should no longer have the privilege of accessing your private information and photos, and any opportunity to upset you further. So do yourself a favour, and quietly delete him from you Friends List before he gets the chance. HINT & TIPS: • When you delete someone from your Friends, it does not show up in your News Feed. • There's a button at the bottom left corner of everyone's Profile Page, allowing you to delete the 'Friend' from there. Alternatively click on the Friends tab at the top of the page, and when you choose 'All Connections' there's a button to the right which allows you to delete a Contact. • For greater privacy, also check your Privacy Settings from the 'Settings' tab towards the top right of your page - you can adjust your settings to ensure they still can't access your Status Updates and Photos once you've deleted them • You can also 'Block' a contact (either by their name or email address) if you want someone to appear totally invisible to you on the site (By choosing this option you automatically become invisible to them too. You block someone from your Privacy Settings page.
  5. REDICULOUS HOW LONG ITS TAKEN FOR YOU TO GET BACK THOSE DVDS!!!!!!!!
  6. Its wonderful that you've been able to step away and have an outside view of your relationship with him. The guy I was with was the same situation, in terms of the ex girlfriend. Im guilty to admit that he actually cheated on her with me, and then left her to be with me. But during our relationship it kept seeming to come back to her. I suppose I deserved it, or atleast I always believed I did, and somehow knew it was one day "headed for the wall" as you say. And would I take him back today? Not a chance. The only thing I thank him for, are the lessons. If it weren't for this, you wouldn't have had the chance to find out what you're made of. As for you feeling guilty, please don't. Steve made his bed, and now is his time to sleep in it. Why give someone a second chance when there is clearly someone in your life, holding precisious of his first? Good luck to you, and i'm so happy to hear how much better you're doing.
  7. I agree. It will be a while before being able to trust someone else with the power to break our hearts that way again. When I see other couples, I dont feel jealous, I just look at them and feel sorry for them for having gotten pulled in. Its kind of "negative" to think that way I suppose, but its also realistic. Theyre going to break up one way or another some day ...is how I see it. What a waste of time going through the whole "I Love You's and dont know what I would do without you's...." i've done all that so many times, that I just dont believe in it anymore. In the end, all of it was just words.
  8. KayC ...you're so inspiring, and you already know how much I appreciate you as a friend. Thank you so much for continuing with this forum and helping us all through this tough time. I am so grateful to you for having the strength to come here and relive this story with us over and over again... even a year later. God bless your courage this past year, for you have survived and come through it. Prayers go out for you, for times of happiness coming forward.
  9. IT SEEMS TO ME! ....like her text messages are only to keep her knowing that you're still around. She texts you, you go running, and shes satisfied knowing she still "has you" ...
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