tammyg

Thank you, haveFAITH for your ongoing communication on this topic. I appreciate your candidness; I feel like our family and those who are closest to the situation have a hard time telling us what they are really thinking and feeling. My mother in law has said that she has heard horror stories about adoptions gone bad and she is concerned for us that this may happen with us; she "doesn't really want to see us adopt." That's easy for someone to say who has 4 amazing children!! As for my husband and his fears of a child...you are absolutely right about his seeing my nephew as someone else's responsibility. It was a bad situation all the way around and I am sure it left my husband with a bad taste in his mouth, so to speak. However, prior to us having my nephew, B, and prior to my hysterectomy, we talked about children and my husband wasn't sure he wanted them. Not, "I'm not ready"...but I'm not sure I want them... Had I known that my desire for a family was going to become so strong, I would have left then. The ideal situation here is to make things work with my husband and adopt a child that he could love. I am just not sure if that is possible. Only he can answer that, and thus far the only thing he has said is that "it would be expensive, I'm not sure we can afford it." What price can you put on happiness?!?!?! That sounds to me like he isn't very committed to making this happen. Again, thank you for your honesty and for being open. That is exactly what I need. You may be on to something with the idea of seeing the child at birth, as opposed to 8 years old...that may help create some of those bonds.

@ Mary, the advice to separate my decision to leave my marriage from my desire to have a family is good advice, although I am not sure how practical since they are very tightly interwoven. My marriage and my husband are really quite pleasant, however I am not sure it is strong enough to fight this aching I feel to be a mother, to have a family, which I know is not possible with my current husband. @haveFAITH, thank you for recognizing that this is not something I have taken lightly. I have indeed given it a great deal of thought! In answer to your questions: No, I do not think I can see myself not being a mother. The nearly 6 years I spent raising my nephew provided me with some of the best memories I have. It was like a taste of something great! Don't get me wrong, it was not by any means perfect, but nothing is! #2, Yes, I can get past the resentment I feel towards my husband for driving my nephew away. I think that is where my difficulty comes in. I know that I can get past that feeling towards him, but I cannot get past the feeling of wanting a child. My husband says he is willing to "talk about looking into adoption" (sounds like a definite maybe) however, after my experience with my husband/nephew, I am very hesitant to look at raising another child with him...especially when he is not interested in children. If my husband doesn't want to have a family, I do not want to "talk him into it" or anything like that...it wouldn't be fair to myself, my husband, or most importantly a child. Thank you both for the response. I truly appreciate the insight and advice.

Thank you for the reply, Nicholas. I think you are absolutely right, no one can answer this but me. At the same time, I still seek guidance, advice, and any insight that people may have, be it a stranger, friend or family member (of which I have none whom I am close to). Thanks again, for your reply.

I have lost a child...a couple times over, and I am finally trying to deal with the grief I feel. I have been married for 13 years, most of them very happily. After 3 years of marriage, I found out I needed a hysterectomy for some pre-cancerous tumors. Neither my husband nor I had any children; I was only 27. While I ached, my husband found a sense of relief...he was not sure he wanted children. Two years later, my nephew, who was 8 at the time, needed a home due to behavior management. My husband and I agreed to take him in. I took it as God's plan...the "reason" I had my hysterectomy and my chance to have a family. After raising my nephew, B, for nearly 6 years, his step-dad, who had custody of him prior to my husband and I, decided he wanted him back. His reasoning was that my nephew and my husband didn't get along, which was true. So, after 6 years, I had the only child I had ever known just snatched out from under me. I went from being a parent back to being just the aunt. At the time, I told myself that it was for the best, that it didn't bother me, that now I would have my freedom back...Well, after 9 months, I have realized that those were lies. I miss my nephew, I miss being a parent, I resent my husband for not agreeing to have children earlier in our marriage, and then pushing my nephew away. I am 37 years old now, and I am faced with the decision of whether to remain (somewhat) happily married to my husband, knowing that I will never have children, never have a family; or leave and move on with my life in hopes that I find someone who makes me equally happy who already has children, or is willing to surrogate or adopt. I welcome any and all advice or input... Sincerely, Tammy