Tori

I've had several discussion on this subject recently which has led me to give the idea some serious thought. My conclusion is that now at my age, (74) and after 4 years and 4 months of struggling and learning to become self sufficient and independent, I don't feel that I need or want another romantic relationship and all the baggage that goes with it at this point in my life. Perhaps if I were younger and more flexible in my thinking it would be another story. I do however find it interesting that every one of my male friends and relatives who have recently become widowers would love to find love again. In fact they are as actively seeking romance and companionship as I am actively avoiding even the hint of such a relationship. My husband and I used to joke that we'd raised each other just the way we wanted and neither one of us could ever be that lucky with anyone else. Now that it's become a reality it's no longer a joke. If it was possible I'd have my husband back in a heartbeat. But since that isn't going to happen--I'm completely content with my independence.

Daughter2010 thank you for the response. You've given me another way to look at the situation and I appreciate that. I will continue to love and support my granddaughter and great grandson in every way possible. This may be more difficult than I thought since just a few minutes ago I found out that because she injured her arm over the weekend she will not be able to work for the next several weeks. She went into work this morning and found it impossible to type with the cast on. Typing is what she does as an IT analyst. I've come to the conclusion that I may not be carrying a grudge as much as finally coming to the realization that the husband is not the kind of person I would have tolerated in my life under any other circumstances. He would have never gotten a foot in the door if my husband had been alive. For 10 years my daughter and I were the only ones that ever tried to help him. The entire rest of the family, extended family included has merely tolerated him for the last 10 years. Guess I must just be a slow learner. The daughter that passed away in February cared for my greatgrandson from the time he was 3 months old while my granddaughter worked. She never charged them one cent and did it for love of the child and in order to protect him from his dad and his indifference and anger. When she could no longer care for him, I paid for his daycare until he started school. After all my daughter did for them, to this day he has never once acknowledged her death in any way. That really hurts! So after all is said and done; I'm not carrying a grudge after all. I've just given up on trying to fix him. That may turn out to be a good thing for him since he now has to make his own choices to either sink or swim on his own. If there is one thing I have learned from all this is that; after the loss of a spouse, some of us may be more prone to allowing others to take advantage of us. I'd love to say that I'm 100 percent sure I've learned my lesson and will never allow anything like this to happen again. I hope I can stick with that!

It will take a little background before I get around to explaining what this has to do with behaviors in bereavement, so please bear with me. I've always joked that I've led a sheltered life--but in the last year I've discovered that it wasn't that much of a joke--I really have led a sheltered life! In my world; family and friends respected one another. Even when we had serious disagreements we never reverted to name calling, foul language or belittling one another. And once the argument was over--it was over and forgotten. Most of the time once an argument was over we could even laugh about it later. I have never carried a grudge in my life until now; and no matter how hard I try I can't let this one go! Almost 4 years after my husband’s death and against my better judgment and the advice of everyone who cares about me I let my granddaughter, her husband and 6 year old son move in with me. It was supposed to be temporary and I put a few conditions on the arrangement before they moved in thinking I had all my bases covered. I knew the husband who hadn't held down a job in 6 years had an anger management problem (verbal not physical) and my great grandson who I adore has some behavioral problems and is under the care of a psychiatrist and is on medication. My husband and I took this granddaughter in after her mother, our oldest daughter passed away in 1993 and we are as close as any mother and daughter could possibly be. For the first few months the husband managed to control his temper reasonably well even though he remained withdrawn emotionally from his wife and son. They moved in with me last November. Beginning more than a year before that, my youngest daughter had begun her constant and painful battle against the infection that would ultimately take her life February 15, 2010. In spite of her own terrible struggles she remained extremely protective of me and I am convinced that she played a huge role in the fact that my granddaughters husband managed to behave himself (to some degree) as long as he knew she was keeping an eye on the situation. She had his number and he knew it and he respected her for that even though she was extremely blunt with him. Eleven days after her death this is what I wrote in my diary: “Chalk up one more miserable day of an endless string of miserable days listening to ____ and his verbal abuse and animosity toward ____. Another heartbreaker is also my increasing suspicions of actual physical abuse. ____ came home from school. ____ ordered him to change his clothes. ____ went into their room to change but he was apparently too slow for ____ and in a threatening voice he repeated the order.. Almost immediately ____ began to sob. ____ told him “Stop crying! I didn’t hurt you”. Crying stopped but there was still a lot of softer sobbing and whimpering. I’m quite sure ____ had hurt him again, but I can’t ever prove it. Every time ____ comes to me in hysterics and tells me his dad hurt his neck, there are no actual bruises to prove it. March 15 I wrote this in my diary; I have been in tears constantly over ____ increasing verbal abuse with ____ (and _____). The instant either one of them walks through the door the ranting and raving begins. From then on it was all downhill, they tried counseling and it only made things worse. Finally she asked him to leave, but he pleaded that with no job and no money he had no place to go. He made many threats about taking the child away from her, suing for alimony and anything else he could think of to bring her under control. He also told her that she couldn’t make him leave because by law he didn’t have to leave unless he was served with a 30 day notice. The next day I saw to it that he was served with that notice. The next month was a living hell! Though he never spoke one word to me that he didn’t have to, his demeanor toward me and my home made me feel like an unwelcome intruder in my own home. The day before he was to leave my granddaughter came to me and asked me if he could stay; she said they were trying to work things out and he had no place to go. He did have a place to go but lied to her so she would try to get me to allow him to stay. My reply to her was a very solid NO! I tried to explain to her that I’d never lived such a miserable existence in my life than I had that last month and I wasn’t about to let it continue in my home that is supposed to be a place where one should be able to feel calm, secure and content. As long as he remained here, I had none of the above. The day he left I felt a sense of relief and freedom that I hadn’t felt in months. She is still seeing him even though he isn’t doing anything about getting a job, still has the anger problem and continues to resent his son. My great grandson still has a few problems (ADHD) and always will, but even his doctors agree that much of his behavior is learned behavior and/or fear based defense. He’s a completely different child now that his dad is gone from the household. I’ve discussed this at length with my deceased daughters husband and my surviving daughter and though they don’t want me to allow him into my home again even for a visit; they are both concerned that my constant anger toward him is so out of character for me that it worries them. They do agree that he became bolder after the death of my daughter because I was more vulnerable mentally and she was no longer here to stand up to him when I wouldn’t or couldn’t. I also feel horrible that my beloved granddaughter is caught in the middle of this. I know I can’t live her life or make decisions for her, but when I see the difference in her and her sons life when they’re away from this poisonous man; I simply don’t see any possibility that I will ever want to be in the same room with him again. I will always wonder if my feelings toward him are influenced by my grief of losing my daughter or if they are real and justified. By the way; I did see a counselor and she told me that she’d be more worried if I wasn’t angry with him. She told me I didn’t need counseling but if I just needed someone to talk to I could call her anytime. One last note. In the beginning I laughed when warned that he could be dangerous because I had been taking him to counseling and having lunch with him almost every week for two years prior to them moving in with me. During these lunches he constantly talked about how he was going to change his life, control his anger, try to stop resenting his child etc. He also spent many hours talking about what a jerk his best and only friend is, telling me his mother is crazy, (she cut him off financially after buying him his last car when he was 40) how horrible his ex wives are and how it’s so unfair that he can’t work because half his money is taken for back child support before he even sees it. Now I am afraid of him too because he tells everyone that will listen that everything would be perfect in his life if I hadn’t made him leave my home. He refers to me as “the crazy old lady”. I'm also afraid for my granddaughter and great grandson if they get back together.

Yesterday marked 4 years and 4 months since the death of the wonderful man I'd been married to for 53 years. I too often had the same question; "What's the point? The heartache, loneliness, feelings of helplesness,sense of isolation, fears, constant struggles and everythig else that goes with grief were just too much for anyone to be expected to survive. But I did survive it after all! Now I look back and can see many reasons to understand why I did somehow manage to survive even though it didn't really matter to me whether I survived or not. Today I'm writing this to say; even though it was the most difficult struggle I've ever been through; I'm surprised to find I'm actually glad I made it this far. I still miss him terribly, tears still run down my cheeks every time his name is brought up and there are still days when I'd give anything just to see him again. My life now is completely different than it was for the 53 years we were together. My new life as a widow is not perfect by any means but I have found a sense of contenment and meaning in this new life that was forced upon me. To sum it up in one sentence; as difficult as the journey through grief has been, I believe I have emerged a much stronger person than I ever thought possible during the early stages of my grief! My prayers go out to all of you who are so new to the grieving process. It's a long, agonizing struggle to keep on keeping on; but it's worth it in the long run!

I'm just a couple of months away from my 75th birthday and I've also wondered the same thing Marion. I lost my husband May 1, 2006 just 12 days short of our 54th wedding anniversary. I've been reading these forums for the last 4 years, yet rarely post for that reason. Many times while reading the posts involving much younger losses, I feel pangs of guilt when I realize how blessed we were to have been able to travel our life journey together for all those years. However, over the years I've spent reading these forums, it's helped me to realize that we are never prepared to "deal with grief" and we can all benefit from support at any age. If you'd like someone to talk to who has traveled the same path--please feel free to send me a private message or email at any time.

THREE WHITE BIRDS I haven't had contact with my husband that I'm aware of unless looking at situations from his side and mine before making major decisisons count. Looking at things from both angles has helped to keep me from making some bad decisions. The following story hasn't been shared with many people outside of my family. It happened shortly after the death of our daughter. In 1993 we lost our oldest daughter Viann, to Kidney failure due to complications of Diabetes. I had comforted myself with the thought that she was safely in heaven with Jesus and had been reunited with my mother and father. Then I began to have doubts. How did I know there really is a heaven? Are the things that I have believed all of life really true? Does God really exist? Is heaven a myth? Shortly after that I read a story in Guideposts Magazine written by a woman who had lost her son. She had been going through the same doubts that I was and whenever she would pray about her son, a white bird would appear in her yard and her sisters yard simutaneously, (the sister lived a long distance from her and there were no native white birds in the state.) She took it as a sign from God that her son was indeed in Heaven, and it gave her peace. Reading the story eased my mind. When I finished the story I prayed, "Please God, I need three white birds". I have never asked for or expected proof from God at any time in my life before that moment and I'm not sure I was asking for a sign then. I think it was more a prayer for comfort than for a sign. I was comforted by my prayers and forgot about it since there are no wild white birds in the Arizona desert that I know of. The very next day as I was driving Viann's oldest daughter, Heather, to work; three very beautiful large white birds in perfect formation soared through the sky directly in front of the car. They weren't flying, they had their wings outstretched and seemed to be gliding on the air currents. We both noticed them at the same time. Heather said, "Grandma, Look at those white birds, I've never seen anything so beautiful! As you can imagine I was awestruck and immediately gave thanks to God for the wonder of it all! We turned to see where they went, but the sky was empty. A little over a year later, my brother became Ill with terminal cancer. My husband and I went to Texas to help care for him so that he could spend his last days at his home on the lake with his family around him. We were all Christians and were comforted by prayer and bible reading. When we wanted to pray alone we would go out on their deck. We began to refer to their deck as the "Chapel On The Lake". The situation was heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. In spite of his terrible illness we were able to spend countless hours together on the deck of their home. The quality of the time we had together was awe inspiring! The day before he died my husband and I walked down to the lake. As I was standing there taking in the beauty of it all and at the same time crying and praying for my brother, a white bird flew across the lake. A sense of peace overwhelmed me and I knew that he was going to be safe in the arms of God very soon. That night he prayed with his oldest son and told him that he was ready to let go and let God take care of him. He left us that night as I was praying and asking God to take him and end his suffering. When a nephew died there was a 21 gun salute planned at the cemetery. As the minister was praying the final prayer a single white bird flew across the sky in front of the mourners, most of who knew my white bird story! The looks of joy among the family were glorious to behold! When the minister finished his prayer the guns were fired and hundreds of pigeons burst from the surrounding trees-not one of them was white! Shortly after my husband died, I was having a very bad day. I had been keeping the house dark and hadn't opened the curtains in weeks. Suddenly sick of the dark, I walked to the window, pulled the curtains back, and saw a beautiful white bird sitting on a wire. I've seen it many times over the last 2 1/2 years and it's come very close to me several times. Though I haven't felt any direct communication from my husband when I see it, it definately does bring me feelings of peace.

Kayc my daughter is an adult, she's 51 and has diabetes and Rheumatoid arthritis as well as the open incision. She had her surgery today (skin grafts and bowel repair) and the doctor said everything went well. They've said the same thing after all the other surgeries she's had to attempt to correct this too! Her health has been deteriorating steadily since shortly after my husband passed away in May of 2006. She and her dad were very close. She's a fighter like he was or she probably wouldn't have made it this far. All prayers will be tremendously appreciated. I honestly don't think I could survive losing another daughter! Our oldest daughter passed away in December of 1993, just days away from her 39th birthday. She died from kidney failure as a result of Juvenile Diabetes. My apologies to everyone for going off topic; but this is the first time I've had the courage to verbalize or even admit my fears to anyone. This forum filled with so many understanding and caring people seems to be the best possible place for it!

I've been going through the same thing. There have been many days I've been up for 36 hours or more because I simply can't sleep. I have to be up by 6 and yet I've laid in bed for over 2 hours now tossing and turning and just decided to heck with it. Now I'll be up until tonight when the struggle will begin all over again. My youngest daughter has been suffering for 18 months with an abdominal incision that broke completely open and won't close. In addition she's dealing with repeated incidents of perforated bowels. Tonight as she was telling me she's now running a fever and faces more surgery on Saturday, I broke down completely missing the comfort and support my husband and I always managed to provide for each other . It's devastating to be so alone while facing one continuous crisis after another. Yesterday I got a haircut. (not that the haircut is a crisis) Due to miscommunication I ended up with only an inch of hair all over my head and wound up looking like a sheep that's just been shorn. When my husband was alive if something like that had happened he'd tease me and reassure me that "as fast as your hair grows, it'll be fine in week or two" Then he'd hug me and lie and convince me he liked it this short. We'd wind up laughing about it. Without him here to bolster me up I just look in the mirror and cry! Since the Ativan isn't working anymore, My doctor wants to put me on Lunestra for sleep and I'm afraid to take it living alone. I don't want to risk being one of those who goes out walking or for drives in their sleep. The doctor agreed I probably shouldn't risk it.

Teny, deciding on future living arrangements is possibly one of the most difficult decisions any of us are faced with after the loss of a spouse. After 53 years of marriage I found myself ill prepared for the isolation of living alone and the responsibility of maintaining a home. Yet the mere thought of giving up my independence permanently was even more frightening. After the first year of living alone, the loneliness was still unbearable and I began looking into alternative housing. With each alternative I explored, it became more and more obvious that living alone was, in my own case, by far the best choice. Now that I'm approaching the 27 month mark; the loneliness has become considerably less shattering, and the challenges of maintaining a home somewhat less frightening. I couldn't have done it without support from the most unlikely places though! It took me awhile to figure out that the most important thing to me was maintaining my independence. This included being able to make my own decisions on everything from; what to eat, when to eat, whether or not to turn on the TV, listen to music, have a pet,stay up late, or go to bed early and the list goes on. I needed to retain my independence without allowing myself to become a recluse. First I managed to maintain my independence. Now I'm working on getting out more. Something I probably wouldn't do if I were living with someone else and had guaranteed companionship for at least a part of each day. I wish I had easy answers for you but even though most of us face the same decisions, there isn't any perfect answer for everyone.

Kathy, something like that would be a blessing for someone like myself and I would imagine for many others in the same boat! Recently I've been wondering how I'm going to manage the inside small stuff my husband always took care of long before I even noticed it. Not too long ago I discovered a leaky pipe under the sink in my small bathroom. My granddaughters husband made a halfhearted attempt to fix it but turned out to be as clueless as I am. Other small thing are cropping up too that often make me wonder if I'm even going to be able to stay in my home much longer. I'll be watching with interest to see what you can find out. Carol

I'm glad you asked Kim. The reservation is in my name, Carol! I've requested the larger semi-private section on the west end of the building since we've had some additions and my daughter informed me today that she might join us too. I hope everyone that's expressed an interest is able to make it! This is all new to me and I'm a little nervous. How will we recognize each other and remember each others names?

Just a reminder for our get together on Saturday at 1:30. My brother in law may come with me. He lost his wife last month and is having open heart surgery on the 18th so he could sure use some support too. He doesn't use a computer so he's a little leary since he doesn't quite understand how I can be looking forward to meeting people I've never met. A discussion board is a little difficult to describe to someone that has never used a computer. The address is 3101 W. Indian School Rd. It's on the SW corner of 31st ave and Indian School road. Easy access at the stop light. Here's a link to their website and a map for anyone that may need it. http://www.billjohnsons.com/ Hope to see many of you there! Don't forget the camera Bob!

We're all set! I made reservations for 10 and if we go over that number they can still easily accomodate us. She looked a little dismayed when she asked how many seperate checks there would be and I replied "10".

KathyG thank you for pointing out how you see the comments when you hear them. Though we're all traveling the same journey; our paths are bound to vary in many ways! It helps to know that perhaps others weren't hurt by my comments after all. It's always nice to have a helping hand to allow us to view things from anothers perspective.

Talk about coincidence. My daughter just happened to be at the Big Apple as I was reading this; so I called her and asked her to find out for me. They do take reservations and they only need a couple of days notice. As soon as we know how many to expect, I'll be happy to take care of the reservations since I'm in there at least a couple of times a week. The address is 3101 W. Indian School Rd. It's on the SW corner of 31st ave and Indian School road. Easy access at the stop light. Here's a link to their website and a map for anyone that may need it. http://www.billjohnsons.com/ I'm in! And I look forward to meeting everyone too! Carol