Susan Y

babylady, Hugs to you too! 42 years is a very long time. I'm so sorry. I watched my Mom suffer when my Dad passed away in 84 and he did everything for her too. He was her world. She did however become independent and strong again. She wore her wedding ring until the day she died and never married or dated. I often wished she would have as she was very lonely at times. I hope you find peace and know that you will find a normal again.

Hello all, I lost my sweet Mom a year ago June 28th. I have missed her terribly as we were very close. Same story as most all of you. Have any of you felt this experience has changed you or taken something away so to speak? I have worked hard and have a blessed life. A wonderful husband, 3 beautiful healthy kids and a very good management job in the medical field. Since she has been gone there is an emptiness I can't seem to shake. I always miss her but lately she is all I think about. Perhaps the anniversary date coming and going. Still can't believe it. I am fearful I will never be the fun happy person I used to be. I have to make myself seem happy and fake I guess. I workout 5-6 days a week for stress, eat right, and I just don't know what to do. My self esteem which was not always the strongest has also been affected and I have no idea why?? Thank you all for listening, perhaps this doesn't make sense to some of you or maybe it will. I am 42 now, maybe dealing with all of this grief, my job, raising kids, has sent my hormones in a tailspin. Have a good everyone. There is only so much friends and a spouse can understand and some thoughts are easier to share with this board. I

Deb, you may not have had a dream but what a wonderful message you received from her saying she loved you. That in itself is as good as any dream. To Bishop, bless you! We all know that lost and painful feelings you have right now. Any time myself or siblings were hurting it made my Mom so upset. No parent wants the child to be in any kind of pain. Like someone else said in an earlier post, allow yourself to be sad but try and make yourself happy when you can. You will start to feel better. You will still hurt, trust me it grips you at the oddest time. Take care.

My Mom passed away this past June. I have posted on here before but I am so busy with job, kids, home it is hard to keep up. I want to share something that I have been waiting for. My Mom and I were so very close as many of you on here were with your Mom. My dreams of her were always scattered and did not make sense. But this one did. My 3 year old was having surgery, I manage a large medical clinic of 50 staff, and have 3 kids under age 10. Needless to say life is crazy. I was upset the night before the surgery and dreamed of her. In my dream my cell phone was vibrating in my purse. I was irritated because wherever I was you should not be using a cell phone. I answered it and it was my Mom. My first words were "momma" that is what I always called her. She said yes. I immediately cried and said I miss you so much. She answered I miss you too. I then said I don't want to ruin our conversation with crying but it has been so hard. She then said I'm sorry. I asked her if she was happy and she said yes. I then said I am so glad because I know how unhappy you were for a long time with how sick you were becoming. I asked her if she was healthy and she said yes. I then asked her if she knew everything that was going on here and she said yes. I then woke up. It was amazing. It was a dream I know not a real conversation but it was the most comforted I have felt since she passed away. It was so realistic. I have tallked to her many times and told her I was waiting for a sign that she was ok. That was all I wanted to know was that she was ok and happy. I wrote this down in a journal so I would not forget. I woke up crying and told my husband about it. He said if anyone could find a way to communicate it would be your Mom. I love her so much and miss her terribly. I am so thankful that she blessed me with that. Thank you all for listening.

Hello Deb. I have been away from the board for awhile. Funny thing is that my guilt and wondering if I could have done more has faded. It is once again replaced by such longing for her sweet face ;( I would love to pick up the phone and call her. I tried to search for old voice mail messages from her but they were all deleted. Above all, I still have that "I can't believe she is gone" feeling. The holidays were very hard. It is my first holidays without her. I hope you are doing well and got through the holidays ok. I love this board but sometimes it makes me think a little too much!! Take care.

Hello Deb, thank you for responding. I am so sorry about your Mom as well. Toward the end my Mom was much likes your Mom, wheelchair bound and did not feed herself. The sad part is that she was only this way for about a month before she died. I had her healthy and clear minded for months before that. I treasure those months and now see it was one last gift of time with her. I thought she was back to normal for good and really had NO idea that she would die ;( Just having them in our life was enough but we both need to realize both of our Mom's were in terribl shape. I hope you dream about your Mom soon. Maybe you have and just don't remember. Thank you again for your post.

Hello all, I have posted here many times and it was mostly about missing my Mom. I miss her more than ever but now have a new feeling that has came out of nowhere. I had a terrible nightmare early this morning. My Mother passed away in a hospital. I was looking for her in my dream at some hospital. I thought if I could find her I could save her. I had spoke to her in my dream although I don't remember what I said then I couldn't find her. My husband kept telling me in my dream that she had died but I didn't beleive him, I think I just kept looking for her. I finally found her in the hospital morgue. It was terrible, she was wearing her favorite red shirt. I know this sounds rather creepy and or odd. I had to share it with someone who may have had a crazy dream about a loved one. The details of when I saw her were so real although they were not pleasant details. I took care of my Mom for a long time and have always felt I did everything I could for her. Now I feel I should have done more and she would not have died. We were close so I have no regrets on telling her how much I loved her. I just wonder if I should have been more aggressive with her healthcare early on. Why on earth am I feeling this way now?? She has been gone since June 29th and this is a totally new feeling. I know dreams are just dreams but why all of the sudden I am feeling so upset thinking I could have done more is beyond me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hello to both new members. I lost my Mom on June 29 of this year. I feel the same way you all do. My life has changed a lot. I too see friends that I love dearly with their parents and feel envious that they still have their Mom. My Mom was my best friend and I took care of her for a very long time. Endless doctor appointments, ER visits, you name it we went through it. She was an amazing lady and loved by everyone. She just had a way of knowing what to say and how I was feeling that nobody does. My husband however is very supportive and we are thankfully very close. I wish ther was something I could say to help you. We never think we are going to lose our Moms even when we know they are sick. Part of being a child I suppose no matter our age. I am sure your friends may seem distant but often people do not know what to say so they stay quiet and do other things. The holidays are tough but Thanksgiving is over and I am happy I got through that. It was her favorite holiday. I had a good day which I did not think I would. God bless you especially during the holidays so that you can at least get through them. Grief is as unique as a fingerprint and we all have to get through it the best we can. These boards have helped me see my feelings are normal and I am not too far out in left field! Take care.

Hello Sadcandy, I lost my Mom as well on June 29 of this year. The pain is still there, more present now than ever I assume because of the holidays. I cannot say it any better than the wonderful people on this board. They have encouraged me. Best of all, I realized that my feelings and behaviors were not so unusual after all. It truly is a day at a time. Good days will come and then a bad one will creep up out of the blue. Bless you in this painful journey we are all right there with you!

Hello - I just replied to a post you posted to me! I am so sorry about your losses. Losing so many dear people in your life so close together is overwhelming. Your life has purpose. Your family would not want you to suffer and lose yourself. You have to find your way back somehow. Have you spoken to your doctor? I refuse to take medication but it does have some value. Especially if you have not pulled yourself back up after 5 years. You sound like the kind of person I am. I feel like I have lost my spark as well but it has only been since June that I lost my Mom. It sounds like you have some wonderful friends. As far as the boyfriend maybe he is not the right person to bring back love to your life. I'm sorry if I seem full of advice. I am a fixer and like to make people feel better and I know how bad this hurts. I have to make myself engage with friends, activities, etc. I am the same age as you I hope this board helps you in your journey. I try and remember when I am feeling so low that one of the things that upset my Mom in life is when her kids were hurting, emotionally, physically, etc. She only wanted us to be happy. Fight your way through this. You have been at this longer than me. I lost my Dad and Grandparents as well so I understand that orphan feeling. Take care.

Hello Mlisers! I loved your comment about the garden. I so agree there are those moments of "slaps in the face" My kids are 3, 7 and 9. My Mom worshiped them. When I was down this week they surrounded me with silliness, laughing and trying to wrestle me. That helped me remember one of my greatest gifts in life. My Mom lived for her kids. It was olmost like a reminder from her to find comfort in them. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. We will always miss our Moms I think. I talked to an elderly lady who lost her Mom many years ago and she said she still wishes for conversations with her. I always say that grief is one of our flaws when God created us. Of course we should feel pain and sorrow but it should fade to acceptance within 2 months and we can miss them but not have such intense pain and longing for them. Glad you found this website. It has been helpful to know I am not crazy

Hello Mary, I hope your recover soon from your injuries. Rotater cuffs are certainly painful. I found your comment from the medium to be very interesting. My Mom and I (although we are both christian) were always interested in things like that. I have had fleeting thoughts of talking to a medium to try and communicate with my Mom. I have never told anyone this as I think they would think I lost my mind. I miss her more now than ever. It has been 18 weeks since she passed. Now I am curios what I may be told. If anyone could communicate that way my Mom would. She had such a wonderful personality and was loved by all. She told me once she would always be with me. I have not idea if I will seek out the services of a medium but what you were told was very interesting to say the least. Thank you for sharing. Take care.

Thank you Patrice and everyone else that replied. I just figured out there was a second page of replies.. I am somewhat slow on this website. I do believe my Mom is in heaven and pain free. I know her faith is strong and she loved God and was always living her life for him. Knowing this, knowing she is pain free should ease my pain. It really doesn't. I want to call her and talk to her. Kiss her cheeks and laugh with her. Shop with her, tell my secrets and I can't. I envy your faith. I still have faith in God. I just wish I could use that to make me feel better. I do feel some better knowing she is not suffering anymore but my selfish part wants her back. Praying for faith like yours! Thank you so much you words were by inspiring.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It is nice to come to this place and see I am not alone in this. I have wonderful family and friends but unless you are going through this it is difficult to understand. I will continue to fight through my emotions. My Mom always tried to "work" her way through a sad time. I wish for peace for all of you. With the holidays coming I am sure we will meet again on this board. Take care everyone.

I have posted here before but kind of lost my way I guess. I was doing so well but with the coming of fall I feel as though my grief is back FULL FORCE. In my previous post I was upset that I never "felt" my Mom. Her promises of giving me a sign or knowing she was around never came. About 3 weeks ago I was riding in the car with my family after my 9 year olds football game. I was happy, smiling, laughing it was a good day. I looked out the window and out of nowhere I actually felt her. Her sweet fact just popped into my head and I felt a warmth inside. Hard to describe but it literally took my breathe away. It left me in tears. Although not 100% I have to hold on to the possibility that maybe she was reaching out in some way. I loved the feeling of her. I know our minds play tricks but she was not in my mind at the moment, she just popped in there. With fall here I have a sense of loss that I did not feel until now. I miss her like never before. I wish I could talk to her about work, my husband, the funny things my kids are doing. I understand (somewhat) the grieving process. I just don't know why it went from intense to calm, now it is intense again followed by such a deep sense of loss and lonliness. Does anyone else feel so completely different? I feel inadequate at work, as a mother, a wife? I try to fight it. I know how it broke my Moms heart to see me or my brothers cry. I try to be strong but she is so missed right now by so many. I hope I can feel better soon and have more control over myself. Closing my office door at work and crying cannot go on forever. Miss you Mom.

Hello Flower - I lost this website but found it again. I am so sorry that you lost your Mom. You have read all of my post so you know my story. I was doing pretty good but the grief is back with a fury. My heart aches all over again. Bless on your journey through this. This website has helped me. So glad I found it again.

with the first day of school the first person I wanted to call was my Mom. She would have wanted to know what my kids were wearing, were they excited, how was their first day. Sometimes when my son got home from school in the past he would beat my husband home by 10 minutes or so. He would always call his Grandma He liked to talk to her when he first got home. She cherished those days and waited for his call. I miss her so much. This is a first of many first to come. Ihave done really well but lately she is back in my mind front and center. Not that she was ever very far away. I still cannot believe she is gone. They say grief comes and goes. Some days you are fine and others it overwhelms you. The nursing home is having a memorial service for her tomorrow. I am going but I am afraid of how upset I will feel. I have ot been back since I moved her stuff. Preparing my self for a hard emotional day....

For the past week, I have felt more peaceful about my Moms passing. I still miss her terribly but just have a sense of calm for some reason. I talked to a grief counselor and I told her I know how much my Mom hated to see me cry or have any kind of pain. I told I wish she would help me feel better. I don't know if time has helped or IF my Mom did help me feel better. My Mom was a fall weather type of person. She loved that time of year. Our weather has cooled down in Missouri finally and over the weekend at sunset the breeze was blowing, it was cool and I thought of her and felt sad but comforted. I think I will "feel" her more when fall comes if that makes sense. I don't want to sound like I am "all better" I am different in many ways and don't think I will ever be quite the same. I feel sad for my kids that someday they may not remember her because they are so young. I want them to remember how much she loved them and how everything they did delighted her. Thank you everyone for listening. I hope all of you with heavy hearts can start having better days.

Hello drock, I say go with what you think it is! Don't over analyze it. I read where signs are all around us we just don't see them or we excuse them away. To me, the very fact that you thought of your Mother first is important. A pastor with hospice told me my Mom is watching over me and my family and I like to believe that because she was like that in life. Sounds like you had a unique but unusual experience! Good for you. God bless

Hello all, I am still trying to figure this board out! I have to remember the topic I posted on and look it up. Maybe there is an easier way? Anyway, I woke up grouchy and mean today. I am feeling how unfair it is that my parents are gone, my Grandparents are gone, and I only have one Aunt left. All of my friends have parents that are alive and doting Grandparents to their kids. My kids loved my Mom so much. They are only 9, 6 and 3 but talk about her often. My Mother in law, their "other" Grandma lives 2 hours away but it might as well be 20 hours away. She doesn't make any effort to see them. Only around holidays. I am angry becuase my Mom was a much better person and she suffered and died. She gave 100% of herself to everyone and look what she got in return. Wow, like we have all said the range of emotions are so extreme!!! I feel bad for my thoughts, I am not wishing my Mother in law harm but people like her live on being selfish, bad mothers and Grandmothers. Thank you all for listening. Its nice that we can share these odd feelings because if I said these things out loud poeple may think I'm a beast ;0 Really missing my Mom today. Her smile and her kind re-assuring words when I am upset would be welcome today. I am normally a kind soft hearted person but today I fear I may have sprouted horns. Thank you all!

Hello Daughter 2010 and Debfromlodi, I am new to this board. So sorry for both your losses. My Mom passed away 7 weeks ago Wed. I was thinking this morning that 7 weeks ago today I was talking to her in the hospital. I still cannot believe it. I lost my Dad 27 years ago but I was only 13. I don't remember that grieving process too well. The loss of my Mother has really opened such a deep wound that I don't think will ever heal. I am told you will never get over it, you will just get used to it. My Mom and I had the kind of close relationship that I too am waiting for a sign from her. A dream, or just a feeling. She promised me she would. I love her so much and I am thankful that she knew this. I am comforted by my kids and my husband as I know how much she loved them. This grieving process is so strange as we have so many emotions. There is such a profound feeling of loss when our parents are gone. After all, they took care of us and no matter how old we are we still need that or at least I do. I pray for you both to find peace and comfort and be able to think of them and smile. I think tears will always be close for us but hopefully more manageable in time. Take care.

Thank you RoN! Your reply was very insightful. I think maybe a times my Mom has been with me. I saw a counselor through my employer. I have been wanting to do this for over a year with all the stress of my Mom's illness but put it off because I was too busy. The counselor suggested that maybe just the very fact of my coming to see her could have been my Moms guidance. The day my Mom passed away, about 2:00 pm I was busy working. I was not upset about my Mom just used to the ups and downs. For no reason I had a sudden urge to go see her. Just a Mommy moment if you will. I called my husband in tears and said I am leaving work early because I just feel the need to see her. As I was finishing up some emails my phone rang and it was the hospital telling me she was in a code blue and they were working on her. I believe at that moment I had those feelings something happened with her. Although my only feelings were an urgency to see her maybe it was her way of saying goodbye. She never wanted me to be upset when she died. I know this will be a long process and I appreciate your and everyones kind encouraging words.

Thank you for your kind words Erin. I am sorry for the loss of your Mom as well. Sounds like it has been the same kind of journey I am on. It is helpful when you experience new feeling like this to see that others have the same feelings. Yesterday was a dark day after talking to a counselor, it brought it all back. She did say something comforting to me. When I told her I was waiting for a sign from her the therapist said maybe she was guiding you to seek counseling to comfort you. We all want our Moms to take care of us when we feel so bad so maybe she had a hand in leading me to this wonderful counselor! I hope it helps. Today is a good day but she is always in my mind and tugging at my heart. She passed away in her sleep while in the hospital. She was not critical so she was not on any kind of monitors to alert anyone right away. She was recoving from Pneumonia. She was a giving person her entire life and never asked anyone to give back. I am hopeful that she is in a place where she is the one receiving all the wonderful things she gave to all of us. So happy to find this board. I can see there are many wonderful people on it.

Thank you drock! I agree with you on the little rays of sunshine. They do peak through every now and then and I am able to smile when remembering something about her. Still so hard to imagine my life without her. They say the 6-8 week marker usually triggers those feelings of feeling alone and realizing they are gone forever. I am trying to find comfort in my kids and husband as she loved them so and would want me to celebrate them! She always hated it when I cried and tried to fix it for me. Wishing she could fix it for me now. Take care!

I lost my Mom 6 weeks ago today. I am actually seeing a grief counselor tomorrow. I miss her so badly. I have a very busy job, 3 wonderful small kids and I feel so empty. We were so close. I saved some of her things and I privately get them out and hold them just to smell her. Sounds odd but comforting and painful all at the same time. We talked every day 2-3 times a day until the end when she was not up to talking. She had all the signs of being at the end of her life and I ignored them thinking she was just tired. I have no regrets as we always told each other how much we loved each other and cared. She is just so completely gone, I can't feel her at all. I think that is the most painful part that someone can be so utterly gone from your life. She always promised me she would be with me even after she died and would send me a sign. So far she hasn't and maybe she can't. She always knew how hard this would be for me so I banked on the fact I would have a comforting dream or something. So many times when something happens I want to pick up the phone and call her and then I remember.