Spika

It's been a little over a year since my dad passed at the age of 49 from cancer. I feel like he is so far away now, I have said before that his memory lives through me but that doesn't always help me feel better. Yesterday I came to work, the same place I had worked with my dad for 3 years before he passed. The office he used to have is right by where my desk is. I have come in almost every single day since his passing, and nothing like this has happened. Yesterday, I came in early in the morning while it was dark and still peaceful and I saw a light coming from in his office. I know it isn't his office anymore, I know he hasn't been in it for months. But I still saw it, and for a moment or two, a sense of peace came over me, as nothing stopped me from thinking that he was back in his office, healthy, and there for me to go in and say good morning to. What a comfort! But then I remembered that he would never be there ever again and my usual apathetic self returned. Apathetic is what I am most of the time - unable to feel any good thing. When will that change? I am about to leave my job and leave this state where I have endured my dad's illness, my dad's death, and just a few months ago, a close family member's suicide. I should be excited, but I feel deflated. I wonder where my life will go. Nothing seems clear or certain. Where I used to be certain I now faulter, where I used to have confidence I have doubt. I think moving is what I should do but I am worried about not being excited. I miss my dad so much. I have been watching a show called "Parenthood" where the mother gets diagnosed with cancer and the daughter is away at college. It reminds me so much of my own situation as I was across the country from my dad when he was diagnosed. It is crazy how many things, looking back, I would change. Today, my mom told me a story about how my dad stuck up for me in a situation and it just made me miss him even more. I was 23 when he died, we had a rocky relationship in the first part of my adult life, but then towards the end we became very close. I try not to think about what he is missing out on, what I am missing out on. There was still so much for me to learn from him. I know I am lucky in many ways. I know there are people out there who have lost way more than me. But since becoming an adult, I have lost three important people in my life. Families should grow, not shrink. Right? I don't know, these are just things I have been dealing with lately, I wanted to tell someone.

Thank you MartyT... I don't know exactly how I feel yet. Seeing him at the funeral I thought would make me feel a cetain way but it didn't even look like him in the casket. I mean I feel so many different emotions but they are hard to express. I grew up with him but in recent years we weren't as close. Because of this I wonder how much right I have to express my emotions regarding this when so many people who saw him every day are so much more effected. I hadn't seen him in person for two years. This past year my dad died, and now him - I just feel like these deaths have put me in a pretty dark place. I don't know exactly what to do with myself or where to turn. It hasn't been this hard in a long time just to get myself out of bed. I can't focus or concentrate and the whole time I am questioning myself why? I hadn't seen him in two years but yet my body feels the effects of the stress and my mind is all jumbled with thoughts surrounding his suicide. I normally am really able to empathize with people's feelings, maybe too much. But this is something I don't understand. I feel a threatening deep and depeserate sadness that might be what he felt - but I have never been as low as he was so I can't really understand and I don't know if I want to. My logic says that he was out of his mind; of course I don't even know what that means to a person, so I can't understand that either. One thing I do understand is how much all this scares me. Our family will never be the same. Death changes people, we all know that. But what does suicide do to those of us left trying to pick up the pieces? I always felt like I could deal with anything that came my way but this is something that I never thought would happen to someone I loved. And to realize that it has, well that is something I guess I haven't fully come to terms with yet. And I don't know what that means. MartyT, thank you for your kind words. I have read them over and over trying to help myself, and I will visit your blog post a second time. I feel like if I can just get rid of the confusion maybe I will have an easier time. It is jarring to me, that everything is the same yet so different now. I have continued doing everything I did before this happened because it is what I know and what I understand - yet it feels like I am just going through the motions of it. Someone said to me yesterday, "We go on because we have no other choice..." and that is how I feel. I don't think my cousin felt that way. But I go on because to me, it is the only other thing to do and hopefully... eventually it won't feel so forced and so empty. I know from my dad dying that time is the ultimate healer so I guess I just have to wait it out. It's just that this is so different from the way my dad died. His natural death didn't prepare me for suicide. Anyway, thanks again.

It's been about 10 months since my father passed away. About a week after he passed, my mother started hanging out with some guy who works for her. He was always at her house, cooking her dinner, running her errands, etc. About a month or two later he comes up to me and asks me if it would be ok with me if she dated my mom. At the time I was ok with it for some reason and I said I just wanted her to be happy. Which, I do. Anyway I spoke to her about it and she said she had no romantic feelings for this guy. She has been saying that this whole time, up until now, 9 months later. She claims she has no romantic feelings for him but I know he does for her. I just can't help but feel like she is lying to me about it because they spend EVERY minute together, just like her and my dad did. I realize she is a human being, and I can't expect her to never find another partner. I just have a few problems with this particular guy/situation. This guy came along SO FAST after my dad died that it was like nothing changed for her because she had this new guy to do everything my dad used to do. Such as, work on her RV, drive her vehicles to get the oil changed, pick up her perscriptions at the pharmacy, take care of her cats, make dinner, watch movies with, go out with, eat together, etc. She barely ever calls me anymore to spend time with just her... he is always around just like my dad was... he is so around it is like he is trying to fill a hole that to me, can't be filled. He even SITS in my dad's chair at the dinner table. Anyway, if by odd chance my mother and I get to hang out without him around, she texts and calls him just as much as she did my dad and possibly even more than I do with my own boyfriend. Anyway, recently this guy's daughter has come to town and my mom has been spending a lot of time with them. She even asked me to come over and hang out with them. Of course I couldn't. Then, she asked me if I would come over and play a game with them that I only ever played with my dad and haven't played since he died. Before all this happened, my mom and I had to go out of town for a funeral and apparently while we were gone, this guy and his daughter came down to my mom's house (under the guise of animal sitting) and stayed there for hours on end instead of staying at their own house. Finally, yesterday I told her how I felt. I told her that despite her claiming that nothing is going on between them, I see what I see and it appears in every way that they are romantic. I told her that I feel like this guy is trying to be someone he isn't. I told her that I would no longer hang out with her and this guy... It is so strange to do so, he is overly nice and caring to me it just feels awkward. Anyway, I just basically told her everything that is stressing me out about this guy. She got pretty angry about it. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to hang out with them. She doesn't understand everything I see and how I see it. When I told her I wouldn't hang out with her and this guy anymore she told me, "Well I guess I won't call you anymore." When I told her that she can never expect for me to be as involved in her life with a partner as I was when my dad was alive she told me, "Maybe its a good idea that you are moving away then." I made sure to tell her that she can do whatever she wants, that I do want her to be happy, but I don't want to be apart of whatever this is. I told her that I can still love her without agreeing with what she does. She still tells me over and over that nothing is going on but I feel like she is trying to fool me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't tell me one thing and if I didn't witness quite another thing. She says she only hangs out with him because he is the only person around to be friends with but she has made no effort to go to support groups to meet other people who have lost their spouse, and she has made no effort to put herself out there to meet anyone new. This guy works for her and basically one day he just showed up at her door. Anyway, am I crazy? I feel like she thinks I have to agree with everything she does and she doesn't understand the concept that she can leave me out of her business. Maybe she is frustated because she is never alone now and the only way for us to hang out would be if that guy wasn't around, but that never happens. Any input would be helpful. I just don't see how they can't have any romantic thing going on with all of these instances I have written here. But maybe I am just young and foolish and I don't know about this kind of thing. Even if that was the case, he still makes me feel uncomfortable and I still don't know if I could hang out with him while being around my mom.

Tuesday my cousin who I grew up with went missing around 3 p.m. They started searching for him that night. This search continued all through the night and into the next day until around 4 p.m. That's when they found his body. He had died from internal bleeding by taking 50 perscription pills. I don't know how to deal with this. He was only 36, and he left 3 children, a younger brother behind, and two parents behind. I've been talking to his younger brother on and off since yesterday. I feel so bad for him. They lived in another state and I wish so much that I could be there for them. I will be traveling there in the near future I just don't know what to do in the meantime. It's like I don't even know if it is real yet. I want to wake up and things be normal. The moments when I realize that it might be real I feel so different, no longer myself. Like the person I once was has changed with this gritty knowledge. Like life isn't what I thought it to be. I had this picture in my mind of how everyone's life would be. I was pretty close to these two cousins and I always pictured our lives being happy. Our parents would die and we would raise our children and one day, it would be up to us to continue the traditions that our parents created. But now what? Suddenly one of my cousins is an only child. Suddenly the little net of people who you base your life around is drastically different. Suddenly three kids are fatherless. And for what? What is worth taking your own life? I suppose I am angry that he didn't think about how this would effect all of us who loved him. I have this idea that he made the decision on impulse, without really thinking it through. Due to the factors involved surrounding the death, he might have second guessed his decision, but at that point, it was too late, the pills were already taking his life. I can't imagine how scarey that would be. But then I realize I don't even know. I don't know how much of this he planned beforehand. I don't know if he was resolute about his decision until his very last breath. No one can know exactly how this happened. But to think that he was all alone... I can't even imagine. I am lost. What do I do?

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Going through that is very hard in itself, making medical decisions makes it even more difficult. But what AnnieO said is true. You did the best you could in the dire situation. Who are we to know the outcome of a situation? So you can't blame yourself for that. But I do understand the personal turmoil you are in. You lost your father just one year younger than I was when I lost mine, last August. I question myself very much as well.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry I just read your response today. I think hospitals are frequently associated with bad memories too. Every time I drive by the hospital that my dad spent his last month and a half in before we took him home, I can't help but shudder.

It has just gotten harder as time has gone by. I am realizing that he will never be back, that I will never has his advice, shoulder, or love again. My mom is a mess because of her job and I can't do anything about it... I try and then I just realize it was only he who had a way of calming her down. He was like the rock of our small family (him, my mom, me). He always knew how to fix things, always knew how to turn things to be positive, knew how to be brave, fair. He totally got me too. While he was wrong about some things he and I were just very similar. Without him I just am at a total loss. I try to get through the day, sleep, and wake up and get through the day again. I've been thinking about the events of his death a lot too. It was cancer. But recalling the days leading up to his death haunt me. Earlier today I thought about how I basically gave him my permission to die... That my mom and I would be ok. I wanted him to be at peace but sometimes I can't believe that. Then I remember the moments before he died. I remember his face and expression. It sends me reeling knowing that was the last moment I'd ever be with him. And I remember the night before he died... This is graphic so be warned... We were at home and I was administering him meds every hour. The night before he died he woke me up with a terrible noise. I slept next to his hospice bed and noticed his breathing became more and more raspy then i noticed fluid coming from his nose and fluid in his mouth. My bf and I stayed up all night taking turns using q-tips to keep his nostrils clear and turning him on his side to drain the fluid from the back of his throat and mouth. I wonder what was going on in his head. He was heavily medicated so I had no way of knowing. But my mom was like paralyzed on the couch and I remember not crying, I remember trying to do what I had to do and remain positive. I even think I turn on some of my dads favorite music and talking about the good times. Now I wonder why did I do that? Now I think back and am horrified by my memory of it all and I think about my attitude and wonder why I acted so unaffected when I know I was very affected. The memories of those last days haunt me. I can't seem to put them straight. I don't think i ever will. I miss him so very much. I wish I could tell him how scared I was/ how scared I am. I wish I could ask his advice and see him and my mom together again. Nothing is right like it used to be and each passing day that fact sets in a little more and more. Why did it happen. Why is he gone forever.

"You're going to hold onto love while letting yourself cry." Thanks for this

pmpupdamike - Thank you for your concern. I am trying to learn how better to express my emotions. It is all too easy to bury them. I think that makes me all the more uncontrollable.

I'm sorry you all know how hard this is. Thank you for your responses and I know that eventually, things will turn out ok and I will get used to whatever decision my mom makes. I love her, and now that my father is gone, it makes me realize more how special my mom is to me. Life is just too short.

Thank you Babypod, I appreciate your response. I am feeling much better today. Yesterday was just very overwhelming with the sad emotions. It really hit me hard. I am sorry you know what that is like, it is a horrible feeling. Sometimes I feel alone when I shouldn't - I know I have people on this site and also my boyfriend to help me get through the very toughest of times. It might not feel like it is enough at the time but I know that isn't true, I know some amazing people. Without them, I question where I would be, I know I would be worse off without them. Thanks again, Babypod.

I am missing my dad so very much today. I feel so alone. My dad would always make me feel so special on my birthday... well really it was any day he would make me feel special... I miss that so terribly much. I still have my mom luckily, I don't know what I would do without her. It just really sucks not having a dad any more... I feel so lost and scared like the rest of my life is going to be full of loss and disappointment. I don't know how to change that. I have my bf but it just isn't enough. Are spouses/boyfriends ever enough when you are facing a significant loss?

Babypod - those are definitely some frightening thoughts. I have had thoughts like that many times with my father. Like I said previously, he too lost his ability to speak during the last days. I wonder so often what he wanted to say but couldn't. I remember him talking to us all for the last time. Who knew it would have been the last time? None of us. So often I wish that there would have been more information provided to us about what was going on. If the doctors thought he had a year to live then why didn't they ever tell us so? Why couldn't they tell us why he couldn't talk anymore or what was going on in his body. It was such a helpless feeling seeing him suffer. Well anyway, thats not the topic of the discussion here but nevertheless those thoughts always go hand in hand.

Thank you for the input. I do try to be respectful of my mom's choices. I guess I do somewhat realize that my mom is human, she has the same wants and desires as anyone else. More over, I understand that things aren't always as simple and I'd like them to be. Mom + Dad doesn't always mean beacon of stability, perfection, and love. Though I hate to admit it, my dad seemed like the only truly happy person in their marriage, and even then... sometimes he even had his moments. My feelings aside, all I ever wanted for them was to be happy. If my mom finds happiness this way, who am I to butt in? The case would have been the same for my dad. But, I do have a sense of betrayal (as the article in which Marty gave, expressed) about it. My dad’s place next to my mother is so sacred to me, and so freshly taken. Maybe if the guy treated me less family-like then I wouldn’t feel so offended. Well who is to say what would happen. All I know is what is happening. Thank you for the article MartyT, I found it very interesting. You mention a book in the article called, “Fatherless Women”, and after checking my local library, I will probably go pick the book up today. Anything to help explain all these convoluted feelings. I told my mom to just give me time to get used to someone new. Hopefully time will help… I just don’t know how much time it will take. Even now, sometimes the finality of my dad not being alive hits me like a ton of bricks. I know he is gone but sometimes to think that I will never ever see him again shocks me. Maybe when I can accept it without feeling that way is when I can get used to someone new around all the time. And hopefully that book will give me some additional insight that will help. I would like to accept it, I don’t want to cause any drama from this.

Just this past August my dad died of cancer. About 2 weeks after he died, my mom started spending all her time with a male employee of hers... I am also an employee of hers. Anyway, he told me that he has feelings for her. She told me that nothing is going on, they are just friends. However, I see the way they are with each other. They spend all their time together too, outside of work. He was even at Thanksgiving with my mom and I. And she was going to bring him along this weekend when she and I go out for my birthday. Am I wrong for being so uncomfortable with this? No one could take the place of my dad but I don’t like that this guy is always around where my dad used to be. He calls me sweetheart, and my mom wanted me to meet his kids. I know that something is going on but I am not ready to move on and accept someone else being around all the time. I feel as though it is disrespectful to my dad’s memory and just too fast to move on like that. That said, I am not going to tell my mom who to spend her time with, she can spend it with anyone. But I just don’t care to be around her so much if she also has him around every time. I told her once that it was weird for me to have this guy around all the time, but when she wanted him there for my birthday, I had to tell her again. She said she understood. I accepted him being there for Thanksgiving but do I have to accept it every time? Is it awful of me to even think this way?