Spika

It's been a little over a year since my dad passed at the age of 49 from cancer. I feel like he is so far away now, I have said before that his memory lives through me but that doesn't always help me feel better. Yesterday I came to work, the same place I had worked with my dad for 3 years before he passed. The office he used to have is right by where my desk is. I have come in almost every single day since his passing, and nothing like this has happened. Yesterday, I came in early in the morning while it was dark and still peaceful and I saw a light coming from in his office. I know it isn't his office anymore, I know he hasn't been in it for months. But I still saw it, and for a moment or two, a sense of peace came over me, as nothing stopped me from thinking that he was back in his office, healthy, and there for me to go in and say good morning to. What a comfort! But then I remembered that he would never be there ever again and my usual apathetic self returned. Apathetic is what I am most of the time - unable to feel any good thing. When will that change? I am about to leave my job and leave this state where I have endured my dad's illness, my dad's death, and just a few months ago, a close family member's suicide. I should be excited, but I feel deflated. I wonder where my life will go. Nothing seems clear or certain. Where I used to be certain I now faulter, where I used to have confidence I have doubt. I think moving is what I should do but I am worried about not being excited. I miss my dad so much. I have been watching a show called "Parenthood" where the mother gets diagnosed with cancer and the daughter is away at college. It reminds me so much of my own situation as I was across the country from my dad when he was diagnosed. It is crazy how many things, looking back, I would change. Today, my mom told me a story about how my dad stuck up for me in a situation and it just made me miss him even more. I was 23 when he died, we had a rocky relationship in the first part of my adult life, but then towards the end we became very close. I try not to think about what he is missing out on, what I am missing out on. There was still so much for me to learn from him. I know I am lucky in many ways. I know there are people out there who have lost way more than me. But since becoming an adult, I have lost three important people in my life. Families should grow, not shrink. Right? I don't know, these are just things I have been dealing with lately, I wanted to tell someone.

Thank you MartyT... I don't know exactly how I feel yet. Seeing him at the funeral I thought would make me feel a cetain way but it didn't even look like him in the casket. I mean I feel so many different emotions but they are hard to express. I grew up with him but in recent years we weren't as close. Because of this I wonder how much right I have to express my emotions regarding this when so many people who saw him every day are so much more effected. I hadn't seen him in person for two years. This past year my dad died, and now him - I just feel like these deaths have put me in a pretty dark place. I don't know exactly what to do with myself or where to turn. It hasn't been this hard in a long time just to get myself out of bed. I can't focus or concentrate and the whole time I am questioning myself why? I hadn't seen him in two years but yet my body feels the effects of the stress and my mind is all jumbled with thoughts surrounding his suicide. I normally am really able to empathize with people's feelings, maybe too much. But this is something I don't understand. I feel a threatening deep and depeserate sadness that might be what he felt - but I have never been as low as he was so I can't really understand and I don't know if I want to. My logic says that he was out of his mind; of course I don't even know what that means to a person, so I can't understand that either. One thing I do understand is how much all this scares me. Our family will never be the same. Death changes people, we all know that. But what does suicide do to those of us left trying to pick up the pieces? I always felt like I could deal with anything that came my way but this is something that I never thought would happen to someone I loved. And to realize that it has, well that is something I guess I haven't fully come to terms with yet. And I don't know what that means. MartyT, thank you for your kind words. I have read them over and over trying to help myself, and I will visit your blog post a second time. I feel like if I can just get rid of the confusion maybe I will have an easier time. It is jarring to me, that everything is the same yet so different now. I have continued doing everything I did before this happened because it is what I know and what I understand - yet it feels like I am just going through the motions of it. Someone said to me yesterday, "We go on because we have no other choice..." and that is how I feel. I don't think my cousin felt that way. But I go on because to me, it is the only other thing to do and hopefully... eventually it won't feel so forced and so empty. I know from my dad dying that time is the ultimate healer so I guess I just have to wait it out. It's just that this is so different from the way my dad died. His natural death didn't prepare me for suicide. Anyway, thanks again.

It's been about 10 months since my father passed away. About a week after he passed, my mother started hanging out with some guy who works for her. He was always at her house, cooking her dinner, running her errands, etc. About a month or two later he comes up to me and asks me if it would be ok with me if she dated my mom. At the time I was ok with it for some reason and I said I just wanted her to be happy. Which, I do. Anyway I spoke to her about it and she said she had no romantic feelings for this guy. She has been saying that this whole time, up until now, 9 months later. She claims she has no romantic feelings for him but I know he does for her. I just can't help but feel like she is lying to me about it because they spend EVERY minute together, just like her and my dad did. I realize she is a human being, and I can't expect her to never find another partner. I just have a few problems with this particular guy/situation. This guy came along SO FAST after my dad died that it was like nothing changed for her because she had this new guy to do everything my dad used to do. Such as, work on her RV, drive her vehicles to get the oil changed, pick up her perscriptions at the pharmacy, take care of her cats, make dinner, watch movies with, go out with, eat together, etc. She barely ever calls me anymore to spend time with just her... he is always around just like my dad was... he is so around it is like he is trying to fill a hole that to me, can't be filled. He even SITS in my dad's chair at the dinner table. Anyway, if by odd chance my mother and I get to hang out without him around, she texts and calls him just as much as she did my dad and possibly even more than I do with my own boyfriend. Anyway, recently this guy's daughter has come to town and my mom has been spending a lot of time with them. She even asked me to come over and hang out with them. Of course I couldn't. Then, she asked me if I would come over and play a game with them that I only ever played with my dad and haven't played since he died. Before all this happened, my mom and I had to go out of town for a funeral and apparently while we were gone, this guy and his daughter came down to my mom's house (under the guise of animal sitting) and stayed there for hours on end instead of staying at their own house. Finally, yesterday I told her how I felt. I told her that despite her claiming that nothing is going on between them, I see what I see and it appears in every way that they are romantic. I told her that I feel like this guy is trying to be someone he isn't. I told her that I would no longer hang out with her and this guy... It is so strange to do so, he is overly nice and caring to me it just feels awkward. Anyway, I just basically told her everything that is stressing me out about this guy. She got pretty angry about it. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to hang out with them. She doesn't understand everything I see and how I see it. When I told her I wouldn't hang out with her and this guy anymore she told me, "Well I guess I won't call you anymore." When I told her that she can never expect for me to be as involved in her life with a partner as I was when my dad was alive she told me, "Maybe its a good idea that you are moving away then." I made sure to tell her that she can do whatever she wants, that I do want her to be happy, but I don't want to be apart of whatever this is. I told her that I can still love her without agreeing with what she does. She still tells me over and over that nothing is going on but I feel like she is trying to fool me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't tell me one thing and if I didn't witness quite another thing. She says she only hangs out with him because he is the only person around to be friends with but she has made no effort to go to support groups to meet other people who have lost their spouse, and she has made no effort to put herself out there to meet anyone new. This guy works for her and basically one day he just showed up at her door. Anyway, am I crazy? I feel like she thinks I have to agree with everything she does and she doesn't understand the concept that she can leave me out of her business. Maybe she is frustated because she is never alone now and the only way for us to hang out would be if that guy wasn't around, but that never happens. Any input would be helpful. I just don't see how they can't have any romantic thing going on with all of these instances I have written here. But maybe I am just young and foolish and I don't know about this kind of thing. Even if that was the case, he still makes me feel uncomfortable and I still don't know if I could hang out with him while being around my mom.

Tuesday my cousin who I grew up with went missing around 3 p.m. They started searching for him that night. This search continued all through the night and into the next day until around 4 p.m. That's when they found his body. He had died from internal bleeding by taking 50 perscription pills. I don't know how to deal with this. He was only 36, and he left 3 children, a younger brother behind, and two parents behind. I've been talking to his younger brother on and off since yesterday. I feel so bad for him. They lived in another state and I wish so much that I could be there for them. I will be traveling there in the near future I just don't know what to do in the meantime. It's like I don't even know if it is real yet. I want to wake up and things be normal. The moments when I realize that it might be real I feel so different, no longer myself. Like the person I once was has changed with this gritty knowledge. Like life isn't what I thought it to be. I had this picture in my mind of how everyone's life would be. I was pretty close to these two cousins and I always pictured our lives being happy. Our parents would die and we would raise our children and one day, it would be up to us to continue the traditions that our parents created. But now what? Suddenly one of my cousins is an only child. Suddenly the little net of people who you base your life around is drastically different. Suddenly three kids are fatherless. And for what? What is worth taking your own life? I suppose I am angry that he didn't think about how this would effect all of us who loved him. I have this idea that he made the decision on impulse, without really thinking it through. Due to the factors involved surrounding the death, he might have second guessed his decision, but at that point, it was too late, the pills were already taking his life. I can't imagine how scarey that would be. But then I realize I don't even know. I don't know how much of this he planned beforehand. I don't know if he was resolute about his decision until his very last breath. No one can know exactly how this happened. But to think that he was all alone... I can't even imagine. I am lost. What do I do?

I am very sorry for the loss of your father. Going through that is very hard in itself, making medical decisions makes it even more difficult. But what AnnieO said is true. You did the best you could in the dire situation. Who are we to know the outcome of a situation? So you can't blame yourself for that. But I do understand the personal turmoil you are in. You lost your father just one year younger than I was when I lost mine, last August. I question myself very much as well.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry I just read your response today. I think hospitals are frequently associated with bad memories too. Every time I drive by the hospital that my dad spent his last month and a half in before we took him home, I can't help but shudder.

It has just gotten harder as time has gone by. I am realizing that he will never be back, that I will never has his advice, shoulder, or love again. My mom is a mess because of her job and I can't do anything about it... I try and then I just realize it was only he who had a way of calming her down. He was like the rock of our small family (him, my mom, me). He always knew how to fix things, always knew how to turn things to be positive, knew how to be brave, fair. He totally got me too. While he was wrong about some things he and I were just very similar. Without him I just am at a total loss. I try to get through the day, sleep, and wake up and get through the day again. I've been thinking about the events of his death a lot too. It was cancer. But recalling the days leading up to his death haunt me. Earlier today I thought about how I basically gave him my permission to die... That my mom and I would be ok. I wanted him to be at peace but sometimes I can't believe that. Then I remember the moments before he died. I remember his face and expression. It sends me reeling knowing that was the last moment I'd ever be with him. And I remember the night before he died... This is graphic so be warned... We were at home and I was administering him meds every hour. The night before he died he woke me up with a terrible noise. I slept next to his hospice bed and noticed his breathing became more and more raspy then i noticed fluid coming from his nose and fluid in his mouth. My bf and I stayed up all night taking turns using q-tips to keep his nostrils clear and turning him on his side to drain the fluid from the back of his throat and mouth. I wonder what was going on in his head. He was heavily medicated so I had no way of knowing. But my mom was like paralyzed on the couch and I remember not crying, I remember trying to do what I had to do and remain positive. I even think I turn on some of my dads favorite music and talking about the good times. Now I wonder why did I do that? Now I think back and am horrified by my memory of it all and I think about my attitude and wonder why I acted so unaffected when I know I was very affected. The memories of those last days haunt me. I can't seem to put them straight. I don't think i ever will. I miss him so very much. I wish I could tell him how scared I was/ how scared I am. I wish I could ask his advice and see him and my mom together again. Nothing is right like it used to be and each passing day that fact sets in a little more and more. Why did it happen. Why is he gone forever.

"You're going to hold onto love while letting yourself cry." Thanks for this

pmpupdamike - Thank you for your concern. I am trying to learn how better to express my emotions. It is all too easy to bury them. I think that makes me all the more uncontrollable.

I'm sorry you all know how hard this is. Thank you for your responses and I know that eventually, things will turn out ok and I will get used to whatever decision my mom makes. I love her, and now that my father is gone, it makes me realize more how special my mom is to me. Life is just too short.

Thank you Babypod, I appreciate your response. I am feeling much better today. Yesterday was just very overwhelming with the sad emotions. It really hit me hard. I am sorry you know what that is like, it is a horrible feeling. Sometimes I feel alone when I shouldn't - I know I have people on this site and also my boyfriend to help me get through the very toughest of times. It might not feel like it is enough at the time but I know that isn't true, I know some amazing people. Without them, I question where I would be, I know I would be worse off without them. Thanks again, Babypod.

I am missing my dad so very much today. I feel so alone. My dad would always make me feel so special on my birthday... well really it was any day he would make me feel special... I miss that so terribly much. I still have my mom luckily, I don't know what I would do without her. It just really sucks not having a dad any more... I feel so lost and scared like the rest of my life is going to be full of loss and disappointment. I don't know how to change that. I have my bf but it just isn't enough. Are spouses/boyfriends ever enough when you are facing a significant loss?

Babypod - those are definitely some frightening thoughts. I have had thoughts like that many times with my father. Like I said previously, he too lost his ability to speak during the last days. I wonder so often what he wanted to say but couldn't. I remember him talking to us all for the last time. Who knew it would have been the last time? None of us. So often I wish that there would have been more information provided to us about what was going on. If the doctors thought he had a year to live then why didn't they ever tell us so? Why couldn't they tell us why he couldn't talk anymore or what was going on in his body. It was such a helpless feeling seeing him suffer. Well anyway, thats not the topic of the discussion here but nevertheless those thoughts always go hand in hand.

Thank you for the input. I do try to be respectful of my mom's choices. I guess I do somewhat realize that my mom is human, she has the same wants and desires as anyone else. More over, I understand that things aren't always as simple and I'd like them to be. Mom + Dad doesn't always mean beacon of stability, perfection, and love. Though I hate to admit it, my dad seemed like the only truly happy person in their marriage, and even then... sometimes he even had his moments. My feelings aside, all I ever wanted for them was to be happy. If my mom finds happiness this way, who am I to butt in? The case would have been the same for my dad. But, I do have a sense of betrayal (as the article in which Marty gave, expressed) about it. My dad’s place next to my mother is so sacred to me, and so freshly taken. Maybe if the guy treated me less family-like then I wouldn’t feel so offended. Well who is to say what would happen. All I know is what is happening. Thank you for the article MartyT, I found it very interesting. You mention a book in the article called, “Fatherless Women”, and after checking my local library, I will probably go pick the book up today. Anything to help explain all these convoluted feelings. I told my mom to just give me time to get used to someone new. Hopefully time will help… I just don’t know how much time it will take. Even now, sometimes the finality of my dad not being alive hits me like a ton of bricks. I know he is gone but sometimes to think that I will never ever see him again shocks me. Maybe when I can accept it without feeling that way is when I can get used to someone new around all the time. And hopefully that book will give me some additional insight that will help. I would like to accept it, I don’t want to cause any drama from this.

Just this past August my dad died of cancer. About 2 weeks after he died, my mom started spending all her time with a male employee of hers... I am also an employee of hers. Anyway, he told me that he has feelings for her. She told me that nothing is going on, they are just friends. However, I see the way they are with each other. They spend all their time together too, outside of work. He was even at Thanksgiving with my mom and I. And she was going to bring him along this weekend when she and I go out for my birthday. Am I wrong for being so uncomfortable with this? No one could take the place of my dad but I don’t like that this guy is always around where my dad used to be. He calls me sweetheart, and my mom wanted me to meet his kids. I know that something is going on but I am not ready to move on and accept someone else being around all the time. I feel as though it is disrespectful to my dad’s memory and just too fast to move on like that. That said, I am not going to tell my mom who to spend her time with, she can spend it with anyone. But I just don’t care to be around her so much if she also has him around every time. I told her once that it was weird for me to have this guy around all the time, but when she wanted him there for my birthday, I had to tell her again. She said she understood. I accepted him being there for Thanksgiving but do I have to accept it every time? Is it awful of me to even think this way?

Novi, thanks for replying. I'm sorry about your mother, it is terrible to lose a parent. Just this past August my dad died, from cancer too. Suffering like people do with cancer I think is truly truly a harrowing experience for everyone involved. I didn't know it would have this effect on me but I'm not surprised. While I witnessed his hardship I knew that those moments would be with me forever. I'm just now finding out how those moments have stuck with me. Movie-fake or not, the truth of suffering is all too real. Glad I'm not crazy.

The other day I saw a movie that I didn't think would be particularly graphic or sad, but it turned out to be that way and it left me in a very, very blue mood. I used to be able to watch those kinds of movies without flinching, but now they leave me feeling so sad and withrawn for days on end. I mean it isn't like I don't know that stuff is fake. But to see someone real-or fake struggle for life, it reminds me of my dad when he was suffering. And then I just can't get those images out of my head. Does anyone else experience this?

Thank you so much for your kind replies, I appreciate it a great deal. I can relate a lot to what you guys are saying. I am finding that everything is taking on a new identity without my dad, things will never be as they were no matter how hard I wish it.

Recently every time I hear a song that my dad would listen to or see a picture of my dad I just want to start crying. We loved each other so much, and we were friends. I can't understand why all this time is going on. I feel like I am leaving him behind. Then I feel really guilty, and shocked to remember some of the things he endured that I can't know talk to him about. I just don't know how someone can be so gone, so forever. I miss him more and more each day, he deserved another 40 or so years. I have little desire to do those things that would have made him proud because he is gone now, and will be forever. So why keep doing them? I feel like a little part of me died with him, but I guess that is how it goes for people when someone they are close to dies. When will I be able to accept everything?

I think those last moments are especially difficult for those who are left behind. We are left to wonder what the people we loved most were going through. Even though my dad's circumstances were different from both of yours, we never told him that the doctor gave him only 5 more days max, and then about 3 days before he died, he lost his ability to speak. I wonder all the time what he wanted to say but couldn't, and I like naimh, also have an intense overwhelming feeling of pity. I have never had a stronger desire to hear people's thoughts than I did when my dad couldn't talk anymore. I wish I could understand what it was like for him. But hello123,I agree with naimh. I think that neighbor would probably be more than happy to tell you what happened. And you might feel better knowing. But you should definitely prepare for anything, just in case.

One of the biggest reasons I think my mom didn't get lawyers involved was just that, how grieving would be made so much more difficult. Dealing with my dad’s possessions and various accounts is hard enough for her already. Me, I can’t even work up enough bravery to take home some of my dad’s things that my mom wants me to have. I have a Wii that my dad gave me last Christmas that I put in my closet, and every time I catch a glimpse of it I start crying. My dad was like yours too naimh, in the sense that he always said he was fine. While I deeply admire the strength that my dad had to let on like nothing much was bothering him, I also wish he wouldn’t have acted so tough because he put up with a lot of pain because of that. Even about 8 days before he passed, I went on a walk with him around the nurses station in the hospital and I remember someone he had met walking up to him. My dad gave him a sturdy handshake even though he was holding onto my shoulder for balance. The man said, “How are you feeling?” My dad put on a smile and said, “I’m doing better, feeling better.” The man smiled and said how great that was and my dad and I continued our walk. Even though I knew he was feeling much worse, I was still amazed by his positive attitude. But I think with him, he didn’t know when to stop acting like everything was ok and admit when something was too much for him. Daughter2010, you said you can’t believe it’s been two years. I can’t believe it will be three months on Nov. 5th. I feel like time moves on, but I don’t. That is so very hard, as I’m sure you know. I feel like people forget and sometimes I feel like I am so alone in missing him, or alone in remembering him, etc. Those emotions, no matter how many times I express them, they don’t go away. They are always there. They aren’t as uncontrollable as they were the first month. Sometimes I can go for a day or two in perfect control, but then other days those emotions just come out how and when they see fit. It feels so good to talk about it, rather than keeping it inside. Oh, and naimh, I think my mom had an ok time on her birthday. I was so embarrassed when I ended up crying on her shoulder, but at least at dinner we had a few laughs. Dreading my birthday next and then the holidays.

Thank you for your kind replies, advice, and caring words. I'm sorry that you both can relate to me. But at least we can take comfort in knowing that we are not alone. It's true that my mom and I have been very upset that it looks like my dad fell through the cracks. We thought about hiring an attorney as well. But a very close friend (with experience in this topic) advised us not to, saying that a large part of a doctor’s career is covering their actions to protect themselves from malpractice lawsuits. Lawsuits are common against doctors, which makes sense being that they work so close with life or death. That’s not to say that doctors don’t malpractice because they do - but they make it very difficult to win a lawsuit against them. The doctor my dad saw was known at the time as one of the best oncologists in the state. He tried to get a second opinion but the other doctors told him he was in good hands with his doctor. Doctors stick together like peas and carrots, so it is very hard to find another one who would testify against a fellow doctor, as you know naimh. But that is unfortunate because you need that medical professional to testify in order to show that that particular doctor's care was below standards. Well, you dealt with it firsthand, so I don’t need to go on but basically our friend said that we could try but we would most likely only spend thousands of dollars for nothing. Plus there is the chance that the doctor wasn’t negligent. Like I said in my last post - if it was you, and you knew about a nodule in your liver, wouldn’t you try to deal with it? I think anyone would. Unfortunately with my dad, based on his behavior, I just don’t know if he would try to ignore it or deal with it. There are so many things he didn’t do until it was too late. I always used to say that his only vice was a poor diet and too much soda. Even when he found out that he had cancer, he didn’t try to change. And then after he finished his chemo treatment for colon cancer he missed 5 months worth of appointments to have his chemotherapy port removed. I know that he sometimes ignored problems. But I don’t want to think that my dad ignored his health out of fear. I don’t want to think that he made the mistake that cost him his life. I know it is possible but I won’t accept that. My mom knows only as much as me too... She only knew what he told her. In the final prognosis on my dad the doctor wrote that he had an “altered mental state”. I would like to find the doctor that wrote this and ask him, who wouldn’t have an altered mental state if they were dying young? It’s not something a person below 60 generally accepts. But I feel like there is definitely something I don’t know. Maybe one day when I am more brave I will find him and ask him. I don’t know… maybe I will just accept not knowing and carry that with me like you said, naimh. Maybe it is best if I do not know. I just wish he wasn’t gone. Today is my mom’s birthday, it is so strange to go on about it without him here.

Lately, I haven't been able to get the memories of my dad's illness out of my head. He died of cancer on Aug. 5, 2011. 10 months before that is when they found the very large tumor in his liver. It had metastised from his colon. About a year before they found the tumor in his liver is when his treament for colon cancer ended. The doctors always told him he would be fine. They said over and over, "You are young, so you will be fine." If I had a dollar for every time they said that... They said it so much, in fact, that I don't think my dad realized how serious it was. I don't think my mom did either. When they found his colon cancer they had said that the chemo was only for a "precaution". Reality became apparent when they found the tumor that took up half of his liver a year later. But then I remember the doctor who operated on my dad when he had surgery for colon cancer. He told us that he saw a small nodule on my dad's liver but didn't know what it was. After that, nothing was done. And now I find myself always asking, "why?" Why didn't they do more to figure out what that nodule on my dad's liver was 2 years ago? It is common knowledge for doctors that colon cancer can frequently metastisize to the liver. So why was nothing done? Even if it was just to inform my dad, "Hey, colon cancer often can spread to the liver so it's probably a small tumor. Let's take care of it now." ...I know that it isn't easy for anyone to confront their worst fear (my dad's was dying young... he was only 49) but if someone gives you the option to confront that fear and push it back wouldn't you take it? Who would just ignore it. So why was nothing more done? I know these questions don't help me. I know I will never have an answer to these questions. But time isn't making these questions disappear; time has only given me more questions. I just can't help but wonder that maybe if just one thing was done different... maybe it wouldn't have come to this. One of the memories that keeps shadowing me lately is the weeks and months before my dad went into the hospital. I didn't realize what I was watching, until hospice handed me one of those books on what to expect when someone is dying. I felt like I had gotten that booklet many months too late. No one told me that my dad was dying, and I didn't get that book until he only had 3 to 5 days left. But when I read the book, everything that was happening to him for months before, started to make sense. If I would have known, or if anyone would have known what he was going through then maybe we would have done things differently. I don't think that my dad even knew what was happening to him months and weeks leading up to his death. I remember those days, but no one had any clue about what to do. He still went to work up until about a month before he died. I remember. He became so thin, he became weak and out of it. He still went to work but he always looked like he was in so much pain. He sort of leaned over and shuffled his feet. But it was the way he became so withdrawn that made me the most worried. I would try to talk to him and he would drift off to sleep. My mom told me this happened with her as well. But we didn't know what to do. His doctor never gave us advice. The day he went into the hospital for the first time was so strange. I went in to talk to him and he was worse than usual. Oddly enough, I went to talk to him because I was worried and I wanted to inspire him to try harder to get better. As I told him how much he meant to me he had this very faraway look to his eye. He kept dosing off when I spoke, but when I started to cry is when I realized how bad he had become. I cried but he gave no response. I knew my mom had been talking about him acting this way for quite some time. But she didn't seem to think anything was wrong. So, first I went to calm myself down before I told my mom that I thought he needed to be taken to the hospital. By the time I got back, she was getting him ready to take to the emergency room. It is so confusing for me to think of now. Because he had become so withdrawn, I didn't know when he was worse than usual. My mom had told me instances with her that he would dose off or have a very far away look in his eye. So I didn't realize that his behavior that day was worse than usual, which is why I decided to collect my nerves before telling her that something had to be done. I mean really what difference could have minutes brought. But it is just the idea that I had no idea what to do makes me feel so guilty. I should not have let him distance himself so far from me... maybe then I would have noticed. Anyway, I remember thinking during the months before he died that he might die. I remember thinking that it was very possible. But no matter how much I thought about it, I realize that nothing prepared me for it. I say all the time how surprising it was for me that he died and I still feel that way, even though I knew there was a chance at some point. People like hospice can tell you what to expect or what will happen, but it didn't prepare me for the hurt of watching him die those last few days and not being able to do anything about it. Nothing prepared me for that, my painful memories, my guilt, my questions, or most of all, his absense. I miss him so much.

Dimcl- I understand how you feel. Although it isn’t a partner I have lost, I did lose my dad. I used to talk to him all the time. I shared more with him than I realized. He is gone, but I still have those things I want to talk to him about. And since he died, in Aug. 2011, so many bad things have happened. I wish I could tell him about all of it. I am sad that he only got to know me until I was 23, that I only got to know him until he was 49, that he won’t be there if I get married, if I have children, and that he won’t be there to care if I accomplish my dreams or do something that would have made him proud. He was a big part of my life and now he is just gone.

Leslie - I know how you feel, and I am sorry for your loss. My dad died August 5th, 2011. He was my hero, my mentor, and my friend. I wonder how time can go on so quickly when I am still stuck. He also had cancer and a lot of days he felt awful, but you would never hear it from him. He always put on a brave face.