Earl C

It sounds like Cheryl is right about being on the same page, but it's true that our individual characteristics have a direct influence on how we deal with our grief. I know that I will never (there's that word that I've come to hate) "get over it" as some people have been advised to do. I know that for whatever days I have left on this earthly part of my journey, I will miss my wonderful Wanda more than I could possibly express to anyone, and I know that I don't want control, whether that's the correct word or not, because I (remember, I'm only at 3 months, 23 days) I am going to break down and cry whether I want to or not, and I can't control that. My Crohn's disease keeps me from attending Church (a very nice small Chapel that Wanda and I found together and enjoyed) some times, but when I do go, like the past two Sundays, several people each week come up and hug me or shake my hand, always ask how I'm doing. The Pastor stands at the pulpit and talks about the people of the congregation who we should pray for as they are going through some (usually medical) crisis, and at times he talks about those we've lost, and he said to me "Earl, it's a day at a time process, isn't it?" He's correct, and there are specific things that make me break down more than others, such as going to the front to receive communion....or even singing the hymns, because I remember how we did all these things together and now I find myself alone with people all around me. Again, I do understand what Nats has to say, and I believe too that each of us will find ourselves in a different position, and some of the events of our past will help to determine what control we truly have. I hope Marty will forgive me here, and I truly don't want to try to convert anyone to my way of thinking or Dwayne's beliefs or anything of the sort. I honestly believe that belief, just as which religion within a religious community, is an individual choice. I personally believe that Wanda and I will be reunited (she believed that too, as our saying was always 'together forever', and that is actually on our headstone. No one else needs to take my belief or my specific 'branch' of religion, but what I was getting to was that I've learned two things in my life, and this recent loss of the most loved person in my entire life certainly affirms what I've learned. The two things I know in my heart are (1) GOD is in charge; and, (2) I'm not GOD. In my belief system, I only have to accept those two things, live every day the best I know how, and then I don't have any control at all. My time will come when it's supposed to, and there's nothing I can do about that, so what else on this earth do I need to know? To all my friends here, whether you have a different belief system or no belief at all, I commend you for honestly living as you see fit, and I thank you for being here and helping me to deal with this terrible, unwanted part of the earthly portion of my journey. Hugs to all of you....Earl C

Magnificent story, and thanks for sharing!! For this group who have all lost a dear one, I believe we can all appreciate the sincerity. Earl C

Deb, very proactive thinking. But, while I have to ACCEPT what has happened, I don't have to like it. GOD is in charge, and I'm not GOD is what I've always told people, so when something like losing my best friend TEMPORARILY happens, I do have to accept it because I had nothing to do with the decision. If we have faith, which I certainly do, then we know that there is a reason this has taken place. I feel like the reason is that I haven't finished my work on earth (or I haven't done well enough yet to be worthy of the eternal life with my partner), and when it is time then I will join her, and we will spend trillions of years together. All that said, I can't help missing her right now, and no matter how much I tell myself that this is the life I'm supposed to live for the time being, I still don't like it. I will do what I am supposed to do, I will honor her life as well as I can, but taking control of the situation does not mean to me that I don't break down and cry, that I don't talk to her day and night, and I certainly don't just (as some people might say) move on with my own life. I'm going to be the best I can each and every day, and I believe my best friend is watching over me, and GOD is controlling my life. Thanks for all the wisdom you've shared, and I think each of us can have the control by just doing what we're supposed to do with the rest of our life, but we can still grieve because we're left alone, even with others around us. Hugs to all....Earl C

Dwayne, CONGRATULATIONS !! You've crossed over a bridge I hope everyone who comes here will one day be able to reach. You're just the inspiration we all need to keep us going toward a sane life. I'm only 3 months, 21 days into this, and although I do have the same faith that you have, and I do know that one day I will be joining Wanda for the eternal life (trillions of years together in the place everyone should seek to reach), I still haven't been able to see her. I do know that she's with me in everything I do, and I do feel her presence, and I do talk to her every day, every night, but I haven't yet been blessed with actually seeing her. I've just gotten ready for Church, and I will be heading out in a few minutes barring any Crohn's complications, but I had to stop and say THANKS to you for providing all of us with inspiration. GOD Bless everyone, Earl C

It's becoming autumn in Missouri also, and we do see some very nice colors. Wanda and I used to leave Lee's Summit and head for her family's origin in Eldon, MO. That's in the heart of Ozark country, only a few short miles from Bagnell Dam. Wanda's Sisters are asking me to come to a family reunion on the 22nd of October, then one of the Sister's 50 year anniversary the next day. With my Crohn's, I can't make it down there right now, but I can remember the many, many trips we made together, and those memories are wonderful. Mentioning the upcoming holidays puts another fear in my heart because they were always so special to us. We have had as many as 60 people at our home for Thanksgiving, and last year we had 5 separate Christmas celebrations because not everyone could make it at the same time. The holidays from here on, as long as I'm still here, will be torture for me, even with a large family supporting me. I just can't fathom the idea of going through the holidays or another winter without my best friend, but I will!! I will do what God has put in front of me, and I will do my best each day, probably crying through all the way through. Everyone, I'm hopeful that each of you will do better than I am. Hugs and warm thoughts....Earl C

I'm in agreement with all. This was not the job for you, and I'm so glad you recognized it. It would be bad enough to have a job like that if it were close to you, but to have to end up with as much or expenses as income doesn't make sense. We'll all pray that something opens up for you a little closer to home, and that the Lord does provide you with "just the right place" for you to carry on with your new life. Please keep us informed when you find something that is "made for you", and please keep your spirits up while you're looking. Lots of hugs to all...Earl C

Dear Kathey: Yes, you have come to the right place. I know these people well in a very short time. I don't have the "children" situation you have because we have 7 (all grown with families of their own), but lost one (48 years old) on 2/2/2009. At that time I had my wonderful Wife to share that grief with. Losing one of your children is what I term a parent's nightmare, and between the two of us together (of course with other family sharing too, but that one person you spend every day, every night with is the one you can share everything in your life with. Well, now I've lost that magnificent person. Sort of like you, we were told on May 6th that this remarkable 76 year old woman had stage 4 lung cancer and, even though we tried radiation, she was gone on June 4th, not even time for me to wrap my head around what was happening because I was so busy trying to ease her pain, make her better. I should have known that she was not going to get better, but our faith was so strong that I believed we would have a miracle. In a way, we sort of did, because she had been my caregiver for almost a year, and my blood counts were so low that the kids were telling each other they'd better get out to see me as much as possible. Well, when my beautiful Wife got sick, the good Lord pumped strength and energy into me and allowed me to take care of her while we still had her with us. So, I do know how much pain you're in, it's been 3 months, 18 days for me and I still cry every day, one of those tough ex-Marines who didn't get wrapped up in emotions much, but now I've lost my best friend, and I know you've lost yours too. Everyone on this forum has their own story that would make us all cry for them. And, we are so sorry to hear about what happened to you. You mentioned that you will one day rejoin Ross, and I'm proud to say (I'm sure Dwayne will give us some great word along this line) that I too just know that when my Lord and personal Savior calls me from this world, I will be by my partner's side again. We have something in common, then, because that faith WILL help you get through these hard times. I'm so sorry that anyone would tell you that you "need to get over it and move on with your life". No one has that right, and I will tell you that you need to grieve in any way you find necessary. People on this site will never tell you anything like moving on, you will have your own time table, and what I find most difficult about this is those kids. I hope that, since you were together for 25 years, and he had those kids before the two of you got together, that they are all of good age to grieve on their own, maybe some with their own spouse. At any rate, I do believe that they can be of some comfort to you and you to them. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them, and I think you can all help each other. Cheryl and Lainey had some great words for (as always), and I do hope that you'll stay with us, don't try to do this all alone, it's just too hard. What I like about this is that I can send a message or respond to a message at any time. If' I can't sleep, and I want to 'talk' to someone at 2 AM, I can do that here. No one will ever judge you here, you vent all you want. In my case, it helps. You stay as well as possible, and let's all get through this unwanted part of life together ... until we meet our partner again. Love and prayers to all...Earl C

Good work, Dwayne, and I totally believe that Pauline is watching over you. I've had signs with my own health that Wanda is still right with me in everything I do. You do have wonderful support here, and as you say, Marty is a leader of women/men who are in this predicament without ever signing up to do this. We'll pray that everything works out, and the re-application just flies through now. You're really looking forward to this, I can tell, and I think the sooner it starts working out the better. Anyway, they say that persistence is the key to life, and you certainly have that quality, along with the love of your wonderful person!! Keep going, never stop, your persistence is showing. I see Becky and Mary and Nats, all of us, appreciating how hard you've worked at this. Earl C

Stacyines, our friends here have said it all. What has happened can't be placed on your shoulders. You've said this was your soul mate, you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. I truly don't know what you could have done to prevent this, and for anyone, family or not, to place the blame on you is a miscarriage of justice. If you could have stopped it, you would have, no doubt. Some of us here have faced terrible feelings of "what could I have done better", "how could I have made her/him live longer or happier", but the truth is that each of us did what we could, and there is a master plan that we don't control. Some things are beyond all that we can do, and there are times when we each (at least some of us, I can't speak for all) have thought that life isn't worth living now without our best friend...but, it's up to us to do our very best each day and let God make those decisions. I hope and pray that you will go on living and doing your very best each day, whether it's for him, for God, or for yourself. I can tell you that each of us needs the whole group to survive, and you are one of us now, even if it's not the life any of us chose. Please go easy on yourself, and give yourself credit for all the good, then strive to do more good before it's your time to go to the next part of your journey. Lots of love to all....stay with us, vent your feelings, and we'll be here!! Earl C

You'll have our prayers, Kay, and our hope that everything goes well for you. The distance doesn't sound too great, but if you get that job, perhaps someone would notice your diligence and you could get something closer. God Bless You, and we will pray that it goes well!!!! Earl C

Hello, Janine, and welcome to a great group of people, as Mary describes so well. No judges, only those who are going through the same tragedy that you're facing. I have to tell you that I lost my beautiful and magnifient Wife on June 4th of this year, so I'm not much further along on this path than you are. In fact, I may be just about as raw because I didn't have the time to get used to the idea that she would be gone at all. In fact, I was sick for almost a year, had to have iron infusions and shots, etc. and my wonderful Wife was my caregiver. If it weren't for her I'd probably be gone myself. But, all of a sudden she developed a tremendous pain in an arm, then in her lower back, so bad that it was very difficult for me to get her to the doctor's for tests. She needed a CRT and some other things, but never felt like she could get dressed and go, so finally I took her to the emergency room on May 3rd. On May 6th they told us she had stage 4 lung cancer. I brought her home the next day, and she passed away on June 4th, so we didn't even have a month to figure out that we were losing her. Before she got sick I was so weak at times that I couldn't even get to the dinner table, and she brought food to my chair. I had a terrible bout with Crohn's disease and I was in the bathroom at least ten times a night, ten or twelve times a day. I stayed on the divan, and she got to where she stayed by me on a love seat. Lots of times we would just sleep in our chairs. When she got sick, the strangest thing happened, and I know it had to be God, I was immediately granted strength and energy to care for her. We tried radiation and it didn't help, and all the while I kept thinking we would be due for a miracle and there would be more time. It wasn't meant to be, and I lost the best friend I've ever had, a partner for 40 years. So, Janine, I, along with others here, know exactly what you're going through, but I know that does not make your pain any less. You need a lot of strength to get through this, and especially since you have teenagers at home yet. We all hope and pray you will get through it, and as Mary says, Marty will also help you. I'm so sorry to hear that you have suffered this loss, and I hope no one ever tells you it will get better. It may get to where you're more used to not having your partner, but in my mind the hurt will never go away, we just learn to live with it. Please check in regularly, and I have to tell you, whatever you're feeling, just get it out here. Vent, no one will ever find fault. I'm a strong individual, I was in the Marines in Korea, but I have to tell you that I cry every day....Every day!! Janine, there is never a good time to lose your spouse, even if you know it is coming. In fact, I know that if any couple is together long enough,one will eventually do without the other, and the timing will be lousy. You can take some (just a little) comfort in knowing that if your great husband was still alive and you passed suddenly, he would be in a terrible mess without you to take care of him, so maybe the Lord's plan was for him to precede you, and maybe he's getting ready for you to join him when your work is done on earth. Since you still have the teenagers, you have to know your work is not concluded. I want to share one little consolation message with you: "If a tiny baby could think, it would be afraid of birth. To leave the only home it has known would seem a kind of death. But immediately after birth the child would find itself in loving arms, showered with affection and cared for at every moment. Surely the baby would say 'I was foolish to doubt God's Plan for me. This is a beautiful life". "For the Christian, passing through death is really a birth into a new and better world. Those who are left behind should not grieve as if there is no hope. Life is changed, not taken away. Our dear ones live on, in a world beautiful beyond anything we can imagine. With Jesus, they await the day when they will welcome us with joy". 'Do not grieve too much', they say to us. "We are living and still with you". I do know that my Wanda is with me every day, and she is actually guiding me through some of the things I have to do without her now. I hope and pray that you will be able to manage the grief and refuse to make life any tougher for your kids. Earl C

Beautiful Magnificent Depicts Intertwining THANK YOU !!

All I can say to that message is THANKS FOR SHARING. How you did it, I don't know, but everyone in this unenviable lonely position we share should feel your victory with you. Earl C

Dear friend, your post was beautiful, and thank you for giving us all something to think about. You are in a funk only because you had and still have so much love for your mate. 41 years is a very long time, and you have a lot to be proud of. Please don't dwell so much on the fact that you, as well as all of us out here, would just want another anything, whether it's a hug, kiss, or even just another conversation. In substitution, think more clearly about the many years you did have. I have to say, my Wanda used to read or at least glance through the death notices in the paper each morning because we have gotten old enough that every now and then we would find someone we know or used to be acquainted with, and now I have taken over that chore. Well, I never in my life heard of so many people who (1) died of cancer at home or in a hospice house; and, (2) passed away at 50, 52, 60, etc., meaning a lot of us are so lucky, downright blessed by God, to have had our loved one, our chosen life's partner for a longer time. My wonderful Wanda was 76, would be 77 in a month and a half, and if I had lost her at 60 or 62 I would feel so much worse. I see there are some on this site who only had 10 years or something like that, and that's a much worse situation than we had, my friend. Your daughter is very helpful to you, I'm sure, and for her to come to you in order to prevent you from being alone is a great thing. However, we all know that having our relatives, our other loved ones with us, is not exactly the same as having our daily companion for so many years right with us. I can go in and do the dishes, and all the time I'm thinking of the times we did them together, talking about something, and to be real truthful, it's just plain her company that I miss so much. Please believe me when I say (and, understand that I'm only 3 months, 16 days into this lonely part of my journey of this new life) that we do have to be thankful that our partner is in a better place than we are, and for those of us who believe (not everyone does, and that's within each of us to choose our path), I believe I will rejoin my best friend at some time in the future. But, let's also remember that if your husband (or, to some, significant other) was in pain, it is wonderful to know that the pain is gone now, and they are in loving arms. And, let's all know that if any couple is together long enough, at some point in time one will find that the other has gone on.....I happen to believe that my Wife, the magnificent Wanda, would have had a much harder time with this new, unwanted life than I am, and so I have to believe that by being still here, I have spared her this final pain, the grief that won't let up, and to be truthful I feel good about the fact that I'm taking that grief instead of her. A lot of love to you and to all our friends on this site, and please continue to share your burden with us. I find it helps ease at least a little of the pain. Earl C

Geat response, Becky, and Sharon, the best to you. I think we all lose track sometimes. My worst days are about every day because I just don't have enough time yet to get over the raw grieving of my best friend. I'm still going backward, but I know you all tell me it will be a smidgen better as more time passes. I have to realize that all I can do is my best each and every day, and that's what I'm trying to do. You all are helping me to keep breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other. I went to Church yesterday, and so many people were happy to see me making the effort. What they don't realize is that I make the effort every Sunday, but lots of times my Crohn's disease won't let me go even after I get all ready. I thank all of you for hanging in there and posting encouraging words for all of us. Earl C