daphne

This is my first time on any interactive internet site and I never, ever believed I could find a more likeminded experience on line than in my daily life, thank you all so very much. I cannot believe what a difference it makes to know I'm not alone in feeling abandonded by my friends. My mother died suddenly 2 years ago, and since then until 3 months ago my father lived with my husband and me whilst he was dealing with cancer - he died 3 months ago. During that time my husband underwent intensive chemotherapy for cancer, and thankfully is fully recovered now. We live abroad which means I'm not able to meet up with my oldest and closest friends often, but we have always been in close contact over the years. They are good people, but I have been SO hurt at the lack initiation with phone calls or even emails. The condolence letters came, but after that not much (except from a couple who do understand). After losing parents and the uncertainty, at one point, about my husband, I feel so isolated and vulnerable and really really need the support of friends who have known me all my life, my history, my parents! And when they weren't there I thought it must be because I'd done something wrong! I couldn't understand it. Particularly some who have also had experience with loss (why is that?). So it has helped to hear other people's explanations for this behaviour - it makes them uncomfortable and or they are busy with their own lives. I completely understand that, and have in the past been guilty of the same. But I have another theory too. If, like me , you appear to be ok and getting on with life, they will not know how you're really feeling, so assume you are ok. If I were face to face with a friend and they asked how I was I'd be able to tell them, but on the phone or by email I can't. I was so angry and hurt, and still am sometimes, and want to say it, but it doesn't help, in fact makes it worse. I'm not entirely sure about how to go about dealing with it. Perhaps the best approach for me is to try to accept they can't be there, take small opportunties to talk if they arise, but try to find strength in becoming more independent and through those who really understand , such as everyone here. And TO HELP OTHERS!! That is SO important, to learn from this experience and try to be more sensitive to others needs - although one of you mentioned you find it difficult to be there for friends who are going through hard times who haven't been there for you. I think I could feel like that too, but it's a depressing emotion, which I have enough of at the moment anyway, so I'll work on that!