Forgive me if this topic is out of place here. I am struggling to find insight into my current life situation and would appreciate help.
A few weeks ago my wife lost her ex-husband- he was 62, she is 41. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10. I am 48. I have 2 children 17 from my previous marriage and we now have a 4 year old
We started an affair while she was still living with him and I with my spouse at the time. In other words it was and is complicated.
HEr reaction to his death has shocked me. The depth of upset due to guilt, regret, etc.
She has reframed her time with him to be perfect. She now sees that he taught her so much about music, art etc. He had lots of money so travel was big, dining out etc.
She left him for me because she wanted a whole life - family, equality etc - things she could not get from him.
In her grief she has described the years with hime as the best years - when she felt young and beautiful etc. Thi implication is that thos e things are not true of me or us. She even has implied that she wonders about her choice to be with me etc Was it the right one....
To add to the complication - even after she "left him" there were many occasions when they got together - most of which sh lied to me about. In other words she had a great deal of trouble letting go - even after he asked her to leave after discovering our affair.
Before we married I too had another affair - largely driven to hurt her I feel and to prove that I was able to as she was with him
I am agry about her reaction to her death. I see the sadness that he is dead of leukemia at such an early age. Yet because he told nobody including his own children and forbid a funeral, I feel it exposes him as being the hurtful and selfish person he was.
My wife though sees him like a father almost and is expecting me to help her grieve in some way. I can't. I have tried to be supportive - by letting her cry, giving her time suggesting she reach out to his mother and old friends. None of this seems to matter.
I do not grieve him but it feels like I am grieving the sad reality of our relationship. The loss of any beleive I had that we had something special or worthy.
I find I am so angry with her and myself for the mess that is our lives. We have a child and she had in many ways been a good step mother to my children. She has also been difficult because she competed with my childrens mother for affection and because she over time has become less of the partner I thought she was - from her financial contributions to her physical ones.
Its all a bit of a mess right now I see in my writing. What to do ?
Thanks
G
