Kathey

Hi Chai! I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I can so relate! I lost my husband in April and since his death, I feel like I'm walking around in such a fog. I work in full-time ministry and have had to take a part-time job and taken over my husband's property management business to make ends meet. In order to stay in my home, I had to get a roommate. It's all just sending me over the deep end. I can't focus on my work, I'm very depressed, and I'm constantly sick. The night before my husband got sick, I wrapped up a 3 year intense pastoral ministry program and had given my final dissertation. The next morning, my husband got very sick and I rushed him to the hospital and our nightmare began. He died just 4 weeks later. Suddenly I'm a young widow and am having a very difficult time moving forward. My one saving grace is that I have a deep faith and serving others, especially the poor and the sick, brings me great comfort. But it doesn't take away the pain of losing a man who I have adored and loved for 25 years. My new roommate is very lonesome and wants to be best buddies. I just met her in June and I'm NOT ready to be best friends with anyone! She's made my husbands recliner her favorite chair, she's taken over his desk, she never leaves the house, and my dog Jack seems to like her more than me. So like you, I'm finding myself withdrawing and unable to open up to even those who I am closest to. I feel so selfish and cry all the time. I should be so grateful for having a job(s), being able to stay in my home (at least for now), and to be surrounded by wonderful friends and a strong faith community. But none of it takes away the huge hole in my heart and the gigantic void in my life. If one more person says "well, he's in a better place", I may clobber them! I want to say "well, I don't care--I want him back here at my side!" Unfortunately, I know that can't happen. And I feel that in order for his soul to be at peace, I need to let go and know that one day we will be reunited. And I DO know he's in a better place! I know you're struggling with your identity and I just want you to know that you're not alone. Where I get into trouble with my identity is when I have too much time on my hands. That's when the depression and bad thoughts about feeling inferior creep in. What helps me is writing in my journal, reading an uplifting book, getting out and serving others who are so much worse off than me, and prayer and meditation. When my husband passed away, my aunt gave me a daily devotional titled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Her reflections are so awesome and they never fail to speak right to my heart and help me put a positive spin on my day. Another suggestion is to go to sleep at night doing the ABC's of gratitude. Just start with the letter A and think of a word that starts with that letter that you are grateful for. For example, A--Amanda, a good friend who I'm very grateful is in my life; B--beauty in the mountains that surround me; etc. When I do this, it helps me fall asleep peacefully and end my day on a positive note (and I never seem to get past the letter G! Lol). I hope that helps. I will really be praying for you and hope things turn around for you very, very soon. There IS a brighter day ahead--I promise. God bless you! Kathey

I'm so sorry for your loss Rachel! Your post caught my eye because my birthday is also January 21st. I just lost my husband in April and it as been such a difficult journey. I feel very alone in my grieving and am trying to reach out to others who have lost a spouse or significant other. I've lost both of my parents and a sister, but nothing compares to the loss I am feeling. I have a deep faith which is helping me, but it is still just so hard moving forward. How long has it been since you lost your loved one? Was he your husband, boyfriend, or just a good friend? I will add you to my prayers. Kathey

I am new to the HOV forum, but after reading some of the posts, I felt safe in sharing what I'm going through. My husband passed away on April 15, 2011. We found out in mid-March that he had 7 brain tumors (3 the size of an egg yoke) and he was filled with cancer. It appears that he had stage 4 small cell lung cancer that had metastasized to the brain and all over his body. He died just 4 weeks later. We were devestated and my whole world has been turned upside down. What makes it worse is that his former wife and the mother of my 3 step-children died just 1 1/2 weeks before my husband so our kids are just in shock and deep grieving themselves so I don't feel I can lean on them. I am so depressed and don't know how to move forward. We were together for 25 wonderful years and I'm so blessed to have had this man in my life! He was definitely a gift from God. I've lost both of my parents and my sister, as well as my husbands parents and brother. But I have never felt such raw emotion as I am experiencing right now. I've lost all of his income and had to take in a roommate to make ends meet. I work in full-time ministry in addition to a part-time job and taken over my husbands property management business. What I find most difficult, though, is that no one wants to hear about Ross for fear of "making me sad". Some people at work have even commented that I just "need to get over it and move on". How insensitive is that!!!!!! I am trying to find a support group to join to help me in dealing with this awful grieving. I would love to hear from others who have lost a spouse and things that have helped you in moving on with life. I'd be so grateful! I feel very alone in this, yet I know I'm really not. My one saving grace is that I do have a very strong faith and God-willing, I will one day be reunited with my husband. But right now, I miss him horrible! Any suggestions or words of wisdom? Thanks for listening! Kathey