kokoangel37

Hi Abiisntoriginal: I understand. I had my cat Willy for 8 years. He was an abandoned cat and I took him in. He was scared to bond to anyone. He did a little to my husband and son, but not much. Anyway we decided to remodel our entire house. He was scared of everything. We had all these workers and noise and everything and he was terrified. He could go in and outside at his will. We lived in the back two rooms when all this reconstruction was going on. He and my dog Zookie were good friends at times, other times Zookie would bully him. Anyway he would run away from me when I tried to catch him to bring him inside and try to help him feel safe in the back to rooms we lived in. He has never returned. I tried everything I could think of. Talking to neighbors. Going around looking for him. My son came over and tried to look for him and catch him. I stopped seeing him after awhile. The next door neighbors have many stray cats and a place where they all go in his garage to eat and sleep. Alot of them are on my lawn many a day. My neighbor said a lady down the street also feeds stray cats. I never see Willy anymore. Even though he wouldn't let you get close to him I loved him. I took care of him. rescued him, bathed him, brushed his teeth. He was sweet when you could catch him. He let me do all that and never bit or scratched me. He was so sweet. I miss him so very much. I wish I could find him and catch him. I feel your pain. Love, kokoangel137

Hi KathMarch: Oh my gosh, my first pet was a german shepherd. She had puppies and we kept one. They went everywhere with us. I love german Shepherds. My little dog now is a pomeranian and was trained to be a service dog at the hospitals, but I pulled her out. She wasn't happy doing it and I wasn't either. So I just registered her to be my therapy dog. ESA. Emotionally Support Animal. I have had so many dogs now pass away. I am 68 so I have had many dogs in my lifetime. It never gets easier. My last do that was a pug, the sweetest most tender dog ever was left outside by our son, when I was out of town. We blocked the doggie door so our cat couldn't get out. He forgot she was out there, we live in Arizona and this was in the summer, when temperatures get up to 115 or so. She died in the heat. I was totally devastated. I tried to go to the face to face grief groups, but it was too painful for me, I took on everybody else's pain plus my own, it was too much. Anyway I was worried more about my son, because he was responsible. He had such trauma over it and nightmares about it. I forgave him, but that didn't seem to help. He had to go through with what he had to go through with. It is still hard to think about and it has been 10 years. I know all my dogs are with me in spirit I am so sure of it and they are so, so happy where they are. They will be the first ones I will want to see when I die and hug and hug and play with them. Kelti and Rocky were our German Shepherds. You didn't kill your precious, precious angel. I know that doesn't help, because you will feel what you will feel. Know that you will eventually be with your Lucy forever and ever. This life is just a little flicker of light and then we are on to the eternity with all our loved ones and animals, which are our best friends and part of our family. Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you are guilty. All my love kokoangel137

Hi, What a sweet cute name and precious dog, Gizmo. Gizmo is with you and your pain will lessen in time. I wish we could control grief, but the difficulty comes because we cannot. The people that told you that the depth of your grief was connecied to the depth of your love are right. There is nothing like our pets, they are angels in our lives. I think they were meant to be and they are still angels in our lives when they pass. I know the guilt also. That guilt can be crippling, but please know you are not guilty you only feel guilty. Your little Gizmo is so happy and playing and running and laughing with other pets and knows how much you still love him. He thanks you everyday for letting him go and not suffer. Pain stayed so long I said to him today, I will not have you with me anymore! And paused there startled at the look he wore. "I who have been your friend, " he said to me, "I who have been your teacher all that you know of understanding love, of sympathy and patience, I have taught you Shall I go?" He spoke the truth this strange unwelcome guest; I watched him leave and knew that he was wise. He left a heart grown tender in my breast. He left a far clear vision in my eyes. I dried my tears and lifted up a song. Even for one who'd tortured me so long. Author Unknown Take Care You will get through this!!! Debbie

Hi: I just read your story on Norris. What a sweet, sweet story/! I have had so many pets, I remember having a little horny toad when I was a real small girl. I am very old now, but I remember that cute little horny toad. I think all animals are Gods gift to us. I too worry about my little Zookie, pomerianian dog, and Willie my cat. I think of them passing away too all the time and how hard and sad it will be. I also imagine when I die I want all my pets to be the ones to meet me and greet me first thing and jump all over me and have a love fest, lol. Anyway thank you for sharing and keep cherishing and loving all your little precious ones!!

My first dog, a german shepard died from cancer. She kept getting fatter and fatter in her belly region and sagging, it looked like she was pregnant. It broke my heart to look at her and yet it has been over 40 years and I still can see that image, but it doesn't bring all the emotion it once did. Time does heal believe me. I have had five dogs die and it gets harder for me to let each one go. I wasn't there when they put my puggy to sleep and my son was. I felt so weak and chicken and guilty that I was there to say goodby. I have lost so many people and animals in my life, I sometimes am amazed I am still going strong and not destroyed from all the grief!!! You did do the right thing and most kind thing for your pet. Do not doubt yourself, your pet is happy, at peace, playing running, and knows how much you loved him or her. deber114

I love Ben, just hearing about him and looking at his darling picture. My heart was filled with sorrow and sadness for your loss of your little son. Our pets are our greatest treasures, they are irreplaceable and always in our hearts. I have lost five pets and the first thing I want to happen when I die is for all of them to greet me and jump on me with with kisses and licks!!!! I have a cat and dog now and I thank God for them everyday. I almost lost my llittle Zookie, a pomeranian, awhile back but she was a little miracle dog and is still with us, a blessing and miracle indeed, since I lost KoKo only a few years ago!! I don't tune in to this forum regularly or read regularly, so for some reason your blog caught my eye and my heart is with you and your litttle son!!! They are angels on this earth for us. I am sure of that. Their hearts are pure and full of unconditional love, it amazes me and they teach me so very much about love and kindness everyday. Ben will live on in your heart always and forever and his little angel spirit is with you. I know his brother is just estactic to see him and they are romping and playing in the soft green grass under the warm toastie sunlight, whereever they are!!!I know all my pets are up there too, happy, content and playing with one another, waiting to be reunited with us. I can't wait!!!!! Bless you dear one and your loving heart and that you took such good care of Ben and loved him so dearly!!!!! deber114

CJ: What kind of dog did you have? How old was she when she died, she sounds so sweet and calm! Koko and I would go out in the front also and I loved taking her to our park, which is practically next door, one house down. It is a very pretty park and kept really trim and clean. Koko loved it too and would lay on the grass or run with the grandchildren when they came over. She was also so sweet and calm and loved people to talk to her and play with her and she loved to sit by you and kiss you if you came over. Koko was a at home dog also. I bet foxie and Koko are playing together and laying on the green green grass in heaven up there! What a cute name foxie!!

I finally have a cat, Willy, he was a stray and we absolutely love him. My heart is breaking with you and I know how guilt creeps in and hurts us. Just know you are not alone and I am with you. You will get through this. Guilt is part of grief and you will sort it all out. Debbie

Love your pem!!! Debbie

Wensday this week was so painful for me. I was in one of those grief dazes driving to a training for teachers. When I got to the training I had an experience that sent me into major triggers of other female losses in my life, starting with my mother. I know some think, including experts, that if you have dealt with the other losses and healed they don't come back. I, however disagree with that. They do come back in different ways, and at different levels. I think the more losses you have experienced, it does not get easier. I have lost my mother at age four, my husband at age 36, my sister at age 58, many pets, and my whole family cut me out of their lives for 20 years, except for my sister. Anyway my point is that I grieved and had counseling for all those losses and still this recent loss of my precious Kokoangel is so hard and so painful and has brought back other memories and losses too. I did get through Wensday and Thursday, but without much sleep and it was tough. I cannot sleep tonight either, so I decided to write. I still think Koko is going to greet me at the door, and sometimes I think I see her in her favorite chair. I call my cat, her name sometimes, and I miss her like crazy. I went to see my therapist today and she told me the neatest story. It was about a man who was dieing. A few days before he died he told how he had some interesting experiences. He had always been afraid of dogs, especially large ones. Well he said for a couple of days all kinds of dogs were on his bed around him. My therapist asked him if he was afraid. He said no, he was not, in fact it was most comforting and enjoyable to watch the dogs and see them play. He died soon after that experience. I just loved that story and it really lifted my spirit!!!

Thank you, CJ, writing about Koko was very helpful. I have felt such pain I didn't think I had it in me to write about her yet or journal, but it helps so much.... Debbie

I remember the day we went to pick her up and I didn't want her, I wanted the tan and black pug. My husband said no, this one this little black one. I didn't think she was very pretty, but I really trusted my husband's judgement. She turned out to be the best tempered, sweetest little dog ever. She cuddled with me every night in bed. I will never forget her putting her little head on my chest and sighing and making these little precious sounds of contentment and safety when she laid on me. I just love the smell of her paws, and her little overbite. She always looked like she had a little smile, because you could see her little bottom teeth showing through. I called her, not only my angel, but my little dancer, because she would circle around and around when she was excited or greeting you when you came home. She loved children. Our grandchildren would come over and they were like peanut butter and jelly. She would just sit and sit so calmly and quietly and just watch over them. If I was upset or yelled she would go to my husband for safety so I would always calm down faster under stress, because I didn't want her upset or scared. Since she was a puppy she was the most calm dog when her nails were clipped and she had to go to the vet. for shots. She was so sweet and calm. She loved everyone. She would give kisses all the time if I let her. Everywhere I went she went too, in the house. She loved, Willy, our stray cat I brought home. She played with him, tolerated his energy level and his teasing of her. I loved to watch them play together. Her two favorite toys were a tiny little pink bear and an octopus I brought home from California one year. She loved that eight legged guy. She played and played with that, until it was too tattered to play with anymore. I have her little pink bear, little pink soft bone and little white bear sitting up in the closet so every morning I see them staring at me when I get dressed for work. Yesterday was especially hard and I took her bear and held it in bed and in the car when my husband and I went out to eat. Her barking would drive me crazy sometimes, but she just wanted to talk to everyone and until you noticed her or petted her or let her kiss you she would try to get away with it. Whenever the grandchildren would come over she would get so excited and dance around and around and have to go greet them. She had a stubborn streak in her too. She would just sit sometimes and wouldn't listen to me when she wanted to do what she wanted to do. It was funny and I would say, "Koko" you are so stubborn sometimes. She came into my life at a time that I really needed lost of touch and cuddling... My sister died,two years ago and she was there comforting me, I thought I was going to loose my job that same year and she comforted me. Last year my husband and I went through some trials together and Koko was always, always there loving me, kissing me, laying by my side.

I lost my little seven year old pug August 4, 2011. I was in another state at the time and feel such loss and pain. It was not an old age death but a terrible accident. My heart is aching to much, sometimes it feels like I can't breath. Yesterday was really difficult and painful. I could't sleep last night. I got up to look for support groups and found many. I have hope to find others in similar situations as myself. I feel so totally alone. I have great family support, but it isn't enough and noyone can see my wounds or pain. They think its all over. My little Puggy who died years ago, took me a very long time to grieve, and this one seems the worst of all. I feel it has to do with the way she died and the shock of her death that has made it extra hard. I held her little pink bear yesterday.

I am with you all the way. I lost Koko Angel August 4, 2011. I am having a very difficult time and have to also go to work and wonder how I will get through today. Yesterday was one of the worst days since she died. I am reaching out for support.