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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

az4me

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of the Valley
  1. This is my first Fathers day without my dad. My father passed away May 1, 2006, and I miss him terribly. I still have my mother and a sister. My dads last visit to the hospital was very hard because he wanted to be home and that is all he could talk about, my mother and sister researched nursing facilities (with out me) and decided that was not going to work for him. My husband and I were consulted about bringing my dad home to be taken care of, because my sister lives in a town 300 miles away it would be up to my mom (who is 70 years old) myself and my husband to give him his care would we do this or better yet could we do this? I had no hesitation of saying yes, this man was my hero, my idol, and one of my best friends, and of course I would take care of him. We talked to the hospital social worker about getting Hospice at home, now we had to convince dad. I told him if he wanted to go home he had to agree, he did and we took him home. My dad came home on a Friday, my sister stayed the weekend and went home, and it was up to the 3 of us to help my dad along with Hospice. My dad would only sleep about a half hour at a time then holler that he needed to get up. Things went along like this for days, his nurse suggested some meds to help him with his restlessness and anxiety and we agreed to try, but getting him to agree was another thing, he would only take them maybe once a day and this was not working, we took turns sleeping in shifts so someone was always up with him, he also had quit eating. Hospice was wonderful, the care he was given was great, but our care with them was great also. The care, understanding and compassion they provide for a family is the best, they not only provide for the patient but also the family unit. By Tuesday my dad was getting restless and wanted to take my mom to breakfast so we got him in the car and away we went, it was wonderful and we had a great time. On Wednesday he slept for about 8 hours straight, my mom and I started to worry. Thursday I called my sister and told he she better come down. That night my dad left us, but his body was still here. Hospice provide us with around the clock nursing at this point and I am very thankful we had that. We were there with him when he took his last breath early Monday morning. Those last 3 nights I had with him were great we talked about everything. He made sure that everything was in order for my mom. My husband and I bought his truck from him, he sold his boat to his nephew, and he made sure us girls would take care of my mom. I have not let myself feel since he died. Every time I start to break down I can hear him “stop that no crying allowed” that was my dad. My mom, sister, and his grandchildren are weeping all over the place, but not me I have to be strong for them all (that’s my dad again telling me “you have to be strong for them”). Well maybe I am not as strong as he thought I was, I am angry! Angry nothing could be done for him. Angry that my mom tells me how affected my one niece is because she was so close to my dad, well so was I. Angry that the man who was my hero, idol, and my best friend for 47 years is gone and I can no longer talk to and see him. Angry with myself because all I can think about is what about me, I lost someone too, do they not realize this? On the other hand, am I being selfish? Am I keeping myself from grieving? I do not know the answers, I cannot think of the answers because it just hurts too much! Thanks for letting me vent!
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