Jester

A year ago today, I lost my mom to cancer. Some of you may remember I used to post frequently, but due to lack of internet at home and restricted internet in the office, I have been absent since last year. But I couldn't miss posting here today as it is such an important day. A year has passed, and some things have changed. Although I am not done grieving, and my therapist says I haven't let go, I don't feel as bad as I used to the first couple of months. The loss of a loved one is never forgotten, we just learn to live with it. Time does help. The sad thing is we can't fastforward time when we feel hopeless. But I assure everyone who is experiencing a recent loss, time does help. This year has been a very very tough one, probably the toughest year I have ever lived. The emotional rollercoster has driven me an inch from insanity, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, the urge to hold on to memories and not let go, the darkness, the feeling of not being understood, the loneliness, you all know how that goes. But there are things that do help you move on. Like celebrating birthdays, or Christmas or special events, there is no need to feel like we are celebrating without them. Talking to my mother in those special events, cooking the meals she used to love and following the traditions she used to celebrate are ways to honour and feel our loved ones are still here with us. I also like to do things she would be proud of. For example, asides from the therapy I take, I participate in a voluntary support group. I am taking a very interesting course on pagan religions, a topic my mother was nuts about; and I recently skydived, dedicating the jump to my mother, who would've flipped out if I had done this while she was alive. All of these activities are part of moving on, without leaving behind. It's called living. To visualize my mother watching me do all these things makes me feel like she is still here and very proud of me. I still have many tears to shed, especially the trapped tears that come out disguised when watching a movie or a TV show. But life goes on, and I assure all of you, in time, this too shall pass, and the day will come when we will be able to remember our loved ones fondly without the pain in the chest. Hold on to hope. Don't quit.

Thank you

Thank you, Shell. I don't mention my baby very much, and at the time of my loss, I wish I had this forum, because I had no one to talk to about it and I was going hysterical. But supermom made it all better. She didn't find out until 9 months later. I didn't tell her because my dad told me not to, that she had just restarted her life in another country and it would be unfair for her to throw everything she had accomplished and come back for me and what he more than once called "my mistake". I was feeling so bad about myself, so low self esteem I did as he said and kept quiet. Funny thing though, when my mother came to visit us, my dad told her!!! She was so angry because she had not been notified, and she was angry she didn't have the chance to be with me. This is something a parent hopes not to go through with, but when it happens, it is a parent's duty to be with us. My dad and I were fighting so bad about it my mother said "I can't leave you alone here, but I want you to understand I can't come back. Why don't you go spend some time with me in the US? I can get you a job, you can stay there for 6 months, a year, for as long as you need, save some money and come back independent, so you don't have to put up with what your father is putting you through". I didn't give it a second thought. not 3 months later I was flying to Oklahoma. My mom was fantastic about this, she never said "I am dissapointed" or anything whatsoever. I lost my baby on Christmas eve, and a year later we stayed home, cooked turkey and salad and threw a Christmas party for my baby. We burnt the test results and the doctor's diagnosis, as all I wanted to keep from my baby were the good things, not the bad things. I only have a pair of stripped socks, but holding on to that is better than a piece of paper stating the worse ("spontaneous abortion" as we don't have a translation for miscarriage in spanish). I also remember for weeks my mother had been saving catalogues with baby clothes and toys, and we cut the pictures and burnt them, as though we were sending my baby gifts for Chrtsimas, and after that day, I can't tell you how miraculously healed I felt. I moved on after that aniversary. My mom was a wonderful person, gosh I miss her. Sorry for kidnapping this forum.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My dad lost his youngest brother about 16 years ago. About 5 years ago, he said to me "something strange happened to me. When we were young, I always thought I was better because I was the oldest brother, and one time my little brother wanted to do something physical, and he fell down and hurt his leg, and I wasn't the comforting brother. No, since I was an athlete, I laughed and in a presumptious attitude, I said *well, what did you expect?* I had not given a lot of thought to that but about a month ago my leg started hurting without any logical reason, I didn't fall down, I didn't hit myself, it just hurted. Then yesterday I thought about this episode in our lives, and I said outloud *Kiko, I am sorry I was so presumptious* and instantly my leg stopped hurting, and I am fine now". Thinking about all the cruel things we did or the good things we did not do while our loved ones were alive, I don't think it is very healthy, but I think it is natural. I hadn't given my father's story much thought until I read your post, and I think it is not too late to say "I'm sorry" if it comforts you in any way. As we tend to say "I love you" or "I miss you" in the middle of the night hoping our loved ones might hear us, maybe saying "I'm sorry" might help us feel better. I think I'll try that tonight.

Oh, that was something I heard so many times at my mother's funeral and I wanted to eat my own flesh... Or the famous "It was better this way"... No, what would have been better is if my mom hadn't gotten sick in the first place... Of course one prefers to remain diplomatic as the funeral home is not the best place to go around making a scene. Though Paul's "They are in a safer place" sounds better, I guess I haven't gotten through much of my grieving. Maybe my mother is in a better place, or a safer one, so then, my grieving is completely senseless... Unless, of course, I am grieving for myself, as I am stuck here in a place that at times seems so horrible. I don't feel I am safe (of course, Mexico City will do that to anyone). I am stuck here, and without my mom. I'm sorry, I am having one of my low days...

Kellymarie: This Christmas it'll be the 5th year since I lost my child. At the time it didn't ocurr to me to look for information on grieving or a place to grieve on the internet, and my father gave me a very rough time and basically I had no time or space to grieve until a year later. My mother's passing sort of brought my baby's death again, but if it gives you any hope, I don't feel even close to what I felt at the time. It hurts, yes, but it is not the tear-my-heart-out kind of pain. It is a little bit more subtle, maybe constant, but not intense spasms of tearing pain. I loved the way Paul put it, repacing your steps, and the article Marty provided is wonderful. So, to conclude this, yes, I feel for my child, I always will, but my mother's passing has also managed to give me some closure for my baby. I was very angry at God, felt as if I was forsaken and forever punished for who knows what, and now, I think I found peace. I am blue, but I am very certain I'll live through this. Of course grieving for my mom is a whole knew book, and I can assume some years from now, I will feel blue sometimes, but not in as much horrible pain, but of course, my grieving does not allow me to have an optimistic view of the future. The more the deaths one experiences doesn't mean one has more experience as to how to handle grief. To Cari and Hopsing: People say guilt is a natural process in grieving. I don't know. I do know I had the best relationship with my mother, we were so close it was unbelievable. But even so, I feel guilt. I promised to take her to Italy this Christmas, and although it was not my fault she left in April, I feel guilty I didn't take her before. I feel guilty because when I eurotripped in 2004, I could've cut a 3 month trip down to 1 month and have taken her (I offered her and she said no, that this was my trip), and she was so proud of my trip that was the only thing she talked about for a while. I feel guilty because when we lived in Oklahoma in that 1 bedroom apartment, I spent too much time on internet instead of spending more time with her (that is probably the reason we got along so well, that we were not in each other's faces 24 hours a day). I feel guilty because I didn't give her grandchildren (she was so grateful I was single and able to live my life to the fullest instead of being in a bad marriage). I feel guilty I was at work when she left (and she wouldn't have it any other way, she wouldn't have wanted me to loose my job for her, nor see her as she was the last moments). The bottom line is if we don't have a reason to feel guilty, we will find one. Luckily, I believe most of us here don't have real reasons for feeling guilty. None of us has been on the 9 o'clock news as murderers, rapists, drug dealers, etc. I don't think anyone here beat their parents up on a daily basis. Those things happen, and when we put them in perspective, we are doing not so bad. I like to think my mom is laughing at my petty guilt...

Rayon: During grieving, what we are going through is all about our loss, so at first when we think of the person who left, we usually think of this person as the person who died, and all our thoughts concentrate on this, the last days, how he or she looked, how much weight they lost, etc. I am told, I am no expert, or a counselor or anything, that with time, when we learn to live with this loss, we let go of many things, including those awful last memories, and we start remembering them as they used to be, younger, stronger, happier, etc. You are probably only remembering the things that make this grieving harder, for example, the mean things you might have said. But I am sure you also have good memories, the fact that he gave you away on your wedding tells me so many things. I wouldn't let just anyone give me away, and if you asked him, that must've been so special to him, and if you did not, then the fact that you allowed him to partake in this special way tells me how much you loved him, and he probably picked that up. I truly believe once a person leaves this world, they get a better perspective of things, because they look at things from another angle, and I am sure he knows exactly how you are feeling. Sometimes when we grieve we sink so deep in our sorrow, we miss many things, some of those very valuable lessons. The lesson in this case is tell people you care for them when you have the time. I think it is not too late to start. That goes for all of us.

Hi, Shelley: I am sure your family members have their way of communicating with family who is gone. Maybe later, when you feel better, you can start talking about this idea to the ones closest to you, and take it from there. I was thinking of writting a letter to my mother and burning it, something I haven't had the energy to do yet, but I think your balloon idea is marvelous. I think I will add this to my Day of the Dead this year, if you allow me to borrow your idea. So, how did it go?

I am really happy you liked the idea, both of you, please let me know how it goes, I will try to post pics after this day, and think of you and your losses on this day, and pray you have a wonderful day with your loved ones. Bless you. Victoria

Vickie, Ken, Dragonfly: I am truly sorry for your losses. Yes, this is something that you probably hear too often, and it does nothing for you, but I really am. I know moving on may seem like accepting God's will, like saying "it's ok" when it's not. I don't really know what moving on means anyways, I move on in the sense that I go to work everyday, clean my house and do other things instead of staying in bed, where I would love to stay every morning. July... it is still too soon, Vickie. I have read and I have been told it takes between 8 and 12 months to grieve and learn how to live with this loss, supposedly at this time, one feels better. I also know no grieving is the same, and many details can change that timeframe, such as if there were things pending, promises not fulfilled, the kind of relationship you had with your daughter, and the way she passed. Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve or how long, take your time, even if you feel you have to be strong for your family, you have to grieve first to be strong later. You are entitled to it. Ken, I am very surprised at the way you are handling things. Keeping the lessons our loved ones give us and living by those lessons is a beautiful way of remembering and honoring them, of moving on with them inside us. What you wrote is beautiful, and I could feel my eyes sparkle once again. I admire you. Bless you all.

Carter's Mom: Your story broke my heart into pieces, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through, I have miscarried, but not lost a child I was able to hold in my arms... All I can say is, you are entitled to be angry, you are entitled to cry, you are entitled to feel desperate, and you are entitled to yell. People say we shouldn't cry for the people we loose, because then we don't let them rest. I don't think that's right, and repressing our feelings makes the grieving process a lot worse. Cry and yell all you want, pray everytime you feel like doing so, even if you end up yelling. As Derek said (and I loved this bit), God can take it; and eventually you'll yell less and pray more. Cry a lot, cry all you want, as tears are cleansing to our soul. Grieving is a handful of emotions, many stages, the best way is to take one stage at a time and not before we are ready. Denial is the first stage, ad the purpose of denial is to put all the emotions on standby until we are strong enough to bear them. Other emotions include anger, desperation, depression, negociation, and finally acceptance, and some people talk about rebirth. All these emotions are entirely normal, and healthy. These emotions are different for everyone, as no grieving is the same, nor do they last the same, what is important is you do what is important to you, what makes you feel better or what helps you heal the best. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve, or how long, comments as "you should be over "it" by now" are comments we can toss away before they reach our ears. It is your grieving, and if you ever need to come and steam off here, or find comfort, or read the stories here, some a marvelous gift of comforting words, then by all means, this place is for you. Light a candle every day, celebrate christmas with Carter, as well as his birthday. I am grieving my mother, and although it is not the same, and I still feel lost and confused and angry and depressed and alone, I can say that sometimes (especially when I do things related to her) I feel she is with me, she is watching over me, and it sheds a little comfort. Someone told me once children who die at a very young age are very wise, and they don't come to learn, their mission is to give us or teach us something. Right now that doesn't mean anything to you, but later, it will come into perspective. Maybe this has something to do with the child that's on the way. Don't make hasty decisions, especially in your very early stage of grieving. At this stage, we can't even remember to put the trash outside or decide what we're having for dinner, much less make a decision so big. You have a few months to decide. But I know, if you keep this baby, she won't replace Carter, that is a fact, but she might bring comfort. Carter is gone in a material way, but he is with you. People die only when they are not remembered. Bless you. Victoria

Ann, Derek, Cyndy: I am really sorry for your losses, I have been through this as well, and it is a secret not many people know because people often make the mistake to assume since the baby was not born, then there is nothing to grieve. It doesn't matter how far into the pregnancy a loss like this occurs, what matters is how you felt about this baby, could you feel him? Did you love your child? What changes were you expecting in your life? Yes we have a right to grieve even the ones who were not born. When I got pregnant, I wasn't married, and I wanted a child, but knew I was not prepared. My couple and I were about to switch to the pill, but I had to wait for a few weeks, so we decided to leave it to fate for those two weeks, if I got pregnant, then it had to be so, and if I didn't, then it was not my time. Well, I got pregnant, and 2 months later, I lost my baby, and I can't believe I survived this loss. I think I can say I am over grieving my child by now, but I remember this loss as one of the worst pains I have ever felt. I can also say I was very angry at God, if he didn't want me to have a baby, then why did he let me get pregnant in the first place? Taking away my child was not the best way to say "it is not time yet", he could've just have the sperm miss the egg... When my mother left 4 months ago, I talked to a sister I had not spoken to for years. She has changed very much, turning from a flake to a zen person, and she told me we all have a purpose in life, and we all live many lives, learning in the next life what we didn't learn in this one. She said a baby who is aborted, miscarried or a child who dies at a very young age are the souls that have learnt the most. They don't need to learn anymore, they come here to teach us. It is in us to catch those lessons and not forget them, in doing so, their short lives have a purpose, and we can honor those lives by making the best out of the lessons they come to teach us. I don't know what everyone's believes are in here, but those words were very comforting, even though she wasn't refering to my baby, as she didn't know my secret. Finally I was able to let go of my anger for God, as I had an answer that was better than being angry the rest of my life. I'm sorry for blabbering here, but I hope this helps you all. Bless you.

Oh, the day of the dead is my favorite holiday of the year. It is a handful of indian (maya, aztec and other groups) traditions, but as with every tradition in Mexico, it has suffered some changes due to the spanish conquest and the catholicism forced to the indians; so our traditions are a mutation of both cultures. The day of the dead is the day the dead are allowed to come and spend time with us. The 1st of November we celebrate the day of the saints, or more popularly known as the day of the dead children. Altars are placed at homes, schools, offices, the street, decorated with colorful paper cut in many shapes, flowers, particularly one called cempazuchitl (marigold, I believe), a very bright orange flower also refered to as the flower of the dead. We also put calaveritas de azucar, or sugar skulls, which are skulls made entirely out of sugar (I think the explanation was not neccesary) and decorated in colorful ways with more sugar, and they bear the name of the dead person we are honoring. We also eat bread of the dead, which is a sweet bread, covered in sugar, and we place candles on the altar, pictures of the departed, and toys for the children, mainly typical toys as wooden trucks and dolls. We also put traditional candy, and burn copal, something similar to incense whcih is burnt as well, but has a very peculiar smell, a smell not forgotten. The day after, on November 2nd, we celebrate the adults, in the same altar, we offer the adults things they used to like, as tequila, or a pack of cigarrettes, and the dead's favorite food, because we believe the dead eat the food someway or another. This is also celebrated on cementeries, the living clean the graves, and place their offerings of flowers, food, candy on top of the grave, and spend the day there. It is amazing how colorful the city looks on the day of the dead, ironically cementaries turn into a very lively place and going to cementeries is a breathtaking experience. What makes the day of the dead different here than in any other country in the world, is that we party that day, the day of the dead is a joyful ocassion; a vision that makes us mexicans seem morbid on the death topic. The way we see it is, if you were allowed to see a loved one only once a year, would you spend the entire day moaning about how much you have missed and how much you are going to miss this person all year long, or would you make the best of every second you have with this person? So, we reunite with family and friends around the altar, and remember the dead by telling funny stories and jokes and things that would make the dead happy that day. In Mexico City, the day of the dead and halloween are sometimes celebrated together, but in little towns, where globalization does not have such a huge impact as it does in the city, the day of the dead is celebrated in a more pure and traditional way, and it is an interesting experience, and worth comming to Mexico for. On the streets, asides from offerings and dancing, it is typical to see skeletons in papier mache (excuse the spelling) dressed in some way, like musicians or dancers; and sculptures and drawings showing skeletons dancing, playing poker or playing music, are typical, all showing the dead being happy and enjoying the afterlife. We also have the traditional "calaveritas" (skulls) which are pieces of poetry written in the way of an epitaph, but for people who are alive, and those epitaphs are comical. It is not strange to see calaveritas about famous actors, politicians, even the president gets one or two on the newspaper every year. I don't think I can put pictures here, but google some day of the dead images:) Since I am half american, I allow myself to deviate a little bit on this topic, and many patriotics here frown on my altars because I cannot concieve an altar without carved pumpkins, as many as I can afford, and I do use some elements more commonly used in halloween. I am used to placing the altar with my mother, not FOR my mother, so this year will be strange, a mixture of feelings of sadness and trying to be joyful. I might loose the little mind I have left, but I have to make it special this year. I hope this sums it up, Shell, thanks for your kind words, you are full of light, and thank you for asking, I love to talk about the day of the dead. And sorry for the length of the post, I get carried away with this topic.

Wow, I feel like it's been a lifetime since I last came. I lost my internet service for many weeks, and I didn't realize how much I missed this place. So, it's been 4 months now... 4 months and I can't get past the denial stage. I am getting a little bit worried by now, because I don't want to bottle this up for 20 years, so I started counceling last friday. I do not wish to leave my denial cloud, but I know I'll eventually have to do it, and I rather have someone close. Although I do not cry much for my mother's loss, I do cry for things surrounding this loss. When the cancer was detected, I had a feeling this was just the tip of the iceberg, and this situation was going to unveil so many truths, I just didn't know how bad this was going to be. We have been sorting her things for the past weeks. Since I don't own a car, I have to go every weekend and take things little by little, unlike my siblings, who only made 1 trip. But it gets me out of bed on sundays, and gets me to visit my oldest sister, which is nice, we haven't been too close since she married almost 25 years ago. This is a nice oportunity to feel I have an oldest sister rather than a distant cousin. I am still having troubles sleeping, except I am awake at night, but I am like a narcoleptic at the office, dozing off every 15 minutes. I am tired, physically and emotionally. I have set apart many things I want to do when the snowball turns into an avalanche, and most are things she didn't finish, projects she didn't have time to finish, like her knitting or embroidering, setting an altar for her, traveling to places she would like to have visited, and talk to her while I trip, talk to her about how amazed I am, or the next step we should take, just let her guide me to wherever she would have liked to see. I am also trying to come up with ideas for the day of the dead, the only day of the year the dead come and spend some time with the mortals according to mexican tradition (I truly hope this is not the only day of the year, but I can use this day to make it even more special). I was taking metidation courses, but my spiritual guide has been having attitudes I do not see fit for someone so spiritual oriented. Thus, I started to doubt many things, and since then, I seem to have closed my senses. If I ever felt my mother was around, I don't feel it anymore, but my brother says he does feel her, so I guess she is around us. I just wish I could open up again. I guess all this doubting has to do with some anger issues I have been having lately, and I guess this too, is a phase. I seem to guess many things, but I know nothing for a fact. I feel lost. Confused, and lost, and so lonely. Funny thing, being the 5th in a family of 7, and feeling so lonely. Bless this place. Bless you all. And good luck to me next friday.

Paul: That is absolutely brilliant, next time I say "I'm FINE, thank you", I won't feel like such a liar.