Stacyines

It's just a block in the road! I promise you it'll slowly get better. That or you'll just shrug it off. I've told myself repeatedly, why is karma non existent? Why me? The film that was picked up by the network was dropped! And they are refusing to return our investment. I'm heartbroken about it, but hooray for lawyers. My 'grandfather' (by marriage to my grandmother) lifted his hands and struck me repeatedly. That old bastard has abused my grandmother emotionally and has been adulterous on his life. And refuses to leave the picture without threatening to take most of her assets! Damn being no pre-nup. These are just some of the road blocks aside from the emotional struggle. We ask ourselves why, but I consider it a challenge. I believe it has a meaning of overcoming boulders. Call me naive, but that's what has kept me going this year. Dave, you are a strong beautiful soul. I know Mike is taking care of you. - hugs.

Thank you Kay! I always enjoy your replies. But it feels nice again to have someone listen to me, care for me, spoil me. But it scares me. I don't think I could go through such heart break again. Little by little! And it's nice to know he understands. Keeping quiet seems slightly like shame on my behalf. Knowing it's too soon. I'm not going to lie in saying I didn't google and read articles based on dating after loss of loved one. But it reality, I noticed many who renovated their lives. NYC is a little over a month away, but in reality. It's a big excuse to visit Deric's grave. I still don't feel ready, but his year mark is in couple of weeks. I feel like I need to pour my heart out to him.

Depression is a battle. One nightly, tough obstacle. But you can overcome it. Though gradually, it's a work in progress. With or without medication. Prayers are with you!

Thanks for the hugs! I actually read up on the months I've missed here and read a couple of your posts. I just wanted to tell you, you are a strong, intelligent woman. The first couple of months are the worst, but I know you and your daughter will persevere this road block in life.

Such a difficult topic. I guess we seek companionship and that desire to be needed or loved once again. I'm actually 'dating' once again. But feels rather odd and like a betrayal. My best friend has been there for me emotionally, but not physically. I left the state and relocated back to CA after everything happened temporarily. He became my rock. Not one day of not speaking to each other. He and I were attracted to each other before Deric was once again in the picture. Funny thing is, I told Deric about him and Deric told me about his long lost crush. But decided not to pursue anything. Over 4 years of friendship, he heard my ranting, complaining, and my crying sessions for months. It was until a couple months that we both realized we cared much more for each other. He respects my distancing (though over thousands of miles away is already enough) and my opinions. In a month, he and I will take a mini vacation to New York and go on a official long over due date. We consider ourselves in a relationship, but I told him if someone else pops up, I would understand. But he's determined to make it work. Deric hasn't been gone a year, so I feel rather horrible about it. I asked for the relationship to be a secret until I felt its right to tell our friends. I'm nervous and rather iffy. I miss Deric.

It is difficult for me to believe that I have not posted on this website in months. Immediately finding it after his passing. I read postings, relating to some and understanding others. In reality, what we all had and still share in common is our agony. I, on my part, after sharing a brief stint in a psychiatric hospital under suicide watch, managed to somehow ease or should I say numb my grief. I accepted the changes of life. Those close to me distancing themselves from me. Relocation. New Goals. . . And a new life. I've kept myself pretty busy. New full-time job. New hobbies. Frequent reading. And much disappointment. My movie has yet to proceed and my producer is an asshole. Excuse the language. I am actually considering legal action. Yet, all I really want to do is put it behind me. But investors were involved. Luckily my previous school offered their help to continue the project. So crossed fingers for film festivals or something next year. I've honestly become slightly bitter. I feel like the dreams and plans he and I held went 180 and down the trash. I'm much more career oriented. But then again, I'm in my twenties. I was accepted into film school in September. I have kept myself pretty busy. I've attempted to keep my bubbly attitude, but it is not the same. I am not the same. I am angry at him. Without one doubt, I'm sure as mad as hell at the man. His selfish act not only caused everyone around him pain. But he broke me into pieces. After the hysteria of the zombie attack out in Florida, I couldn't help in think what his personality would of become of if he continued bath salts. There are articles of aggressive behavior and murder by those on the substance. My mother claims if he and I were in person having the same argument, he would have killed me. My heart says no, but then again, he's not here is he? I was left with guilt. His friends and some of his family see me as the cause of his death. No, it's not assuming, it is a fact. Thank you for your public Facebook status's that in no way point fingers. But funny thing is, I remember being moody (Thanks birth control!) and depressed (my dad's family are assholes who have constantly put my brother and I down), yet I remember not once insulting or putting him down. Actually, I thought he was a catch. I told him, "You're perfect. Amazing." Insecurity makes you do crazy things. "All I asked was not talk for one night. Yes, I was rude. (My bad!) I ignored phone calls, responding texts to speak later or tomorrow. But what does he do? Gives me a good bye, asks me to tell his parents it wasn't their fault, and walks away from the phone leaving me dumb founded. I guess this was more about ranting. But, this website has helped more than I expected to. Somebody once asked me how I've managed to move forward, I replied. "Keeping Busy."

So Proud of you, Dwayne!

It's been quite some time since I've blogged here or anywhere actually. I've been busy with so many upcoming projects. Or I'm sleeping. If I'm not out working on something - sleep is my adventure ( if lucky). I dream the unwanted at times. Remembering Deric. I miss him. But that's why I'm so pre-occupied. I'm still workin on the film in honor of him. I invested all my money into a clothing store. I joined video production and a music engineer class. I have an internship going on and I'm coordinating a huge fashion show in Los Angeles for my store. In a way, I want to feel like I was worthy of Deric's love. He had so much going for him and I was just some kid who worked full time and went to school with low expectations. My dad's family pretty much hoped I failed. No support from them, negative comments, insults, - it didn't help. And now that I no longer have him, his beautiful personality, his love, his encouragement, I feel like a broken record. The ONE time I ever felt that, not even from my parents, my family, nor friends, it's instantly gone. Six months already.... I'm anti-social. Not by choice. I've gone out with friends, but I feel like crying by the end of the night. Whether it's guilt of attempting to enjoy myself and his absence or watching other couples lovingly embrace each other. The emotions just manage to take that one moment away. Cheers for a better tomorrow - Take care.

I've been and still am in that boat. It's honestly never ending. Luckily, they slowly become random than an every day event. I believe it's frustration we tend to vent out in our dream state so I believe. I can't say it becomes better, but it does become some what bearable. If you ever would like to talk to someone personally, I'm here. Best wishes, xoxo

With you on that one, honey! Glad you vented out. Took the words right out of my mouth.

This is completely beautiful. I think Deric & I fell in love at first sight. I was 15 and he was 17. I was the hostess with a flirty personality and he was the new guy. A rookie teenage busboy like the others. But the first time we glanced over at each other just was something else. Either way, he broke my heart, shred it to pieces, but the love is always there. Like I told him at his casket, "You stole my heart & I never want it back."

Well I've spoken to doctors and shrinks. And have amazing support so far. It randomly occurs, so it's rather abnormal. I attempt to keep distracted. Especially while I work on my film. That's my focus and goal in order to create Deric's foundation. But now I'm really curious in checking out that book!

Well, I've continued to have on-going nightmares related to Deric. I can't seem to prevent them, sadly. I've attempted to speak to a psychologist, increased my medication ( both anti - depressants / sleeping meds) and this is an on going issue. I either wake up crying or extremely suicidal which is far from my list. It's as if my nightmares trigger this motivation I plead not to have. Is it normal after grief? Maybe because I consider his death at my fault? Or I'm not coping with this properly.

Dwayne, Your effort into school is dedication. I'm so proud of you! Little by little. I know Pauline is watching over you and rooting you on. Best of luck, hon.

So thankful for this! You're amazing.