Stacyines

It's just a block in the road! I promise you it'll slowly get better. That or you'll just shrug it off. I've told myself repeatedly, why is karma non existent? Why me? The film that was picked up by the network was dropped! And they are refusing to return our investment. I'm heartbroken about it, but hooray for lawyers. My 'grandfather' (by marriage to my grandmother) lifted his hands and struck me repeatedly. That old bastard has abused my grandmother emotionally and has been adulterous on his life. And refuses to leave the picture without threatening to take most of her assets! Damn being no pre-nup. These are just some of the road blocks aside from the emotional struggle. We ask ourselves why, but I consider it a challenge. I believe it has a meaning of overcoming boulders. Call me naive, but that's what has kept me going this year. Dave, you are a strong beautiful soul. I know Mike is taking care of you. - hugs.

Thank you Kay! I always enjoy your replies. But it feels nice again to have someone listen to me, care for me, spoil me. But it scares me. I don't think I could go through such heart break again. Little by little! And it's nice to know he understands. Keeping quiet seems slightly like shame on my behalf. Knowing it's too soon. I'm not going to lie in saying I didn't google and read articles based on dating after loss of loved one. But it reality, I noticed many who renovated their lives. NYC is a little over a month away, but in reality. It's a big excuse to visit Deric's grave. I still don't feel ready, but his year mark is in couple of weeks. I feel like I need to pour my heart out to him.

Depression is a battle. One nightly, tough obstacle. But you can overcome it. Though gradually, it's a work in progress. With or without medication. Prayers are with you!

Thanks for the hugs! I actually read up on the months I've missed here and read a couple of your posts. I just wanted to tell you, you are a strong, intelligent woman. The first couple of months are the worst, but I know you and your daughter will persevere this road block in life.

Such a difficult topic. I guess we seek companionship and that desire to be needed or loved once again. I'm actually 'dating' once again. But feels rather odd and like a betrayal. My best friend has been there for me emotionally, but not physically. I left the state and relocated back to CA after everything happened temporarily. He became my rock. Not one day of not speaking to each other. He and I were attracted to each other before Deric was once again in the picture. Funny thing is, I told Deric about him and Deric told me about his long lost crush. But decided not to pursue anything. Over 4 years of friendship, he heard my ranting, complaining, and my crying sessions for months. It was until a couple months that we both realized we cared much more for each other. He respects my distancing (though over thousands of miles away is already enough) and my opinions. In a month, he and I will take a mini vacation to New York and go on a official long over due date. We consider ourselves in a relationship, but I told him if someone else pops up, I would understand. But he's determined to make it work. Deric hasn't been gone a year, so I feel rather horrible about it. I asked for the relationship to be a secret until I felt its right to tell our friends. I'm nervous and rather iffy. I miss Deric.

It is difficult for me to believe that I have not posted on this website in months. Immediately finding it after his passing. I read postings, relating to some and understanding others. In reality, what we all had and still share in common is our agony. I, on my part, after sharing a brief stint in a psychiatric hospital under suicide watch, managed to somehow ease or should I say numb my grief. I accepted the changes of life. Those close to me distancing themselves from me. Relocation. New Goals. . . And a new life. I've kept myself pretty busy. New full-time job. New hobbies. Frequent reading. And much disappointment. My movie has yet to proceed and my producer is an asshole. Excuse the language. I am actually considering legal action. Yet, all I really want to do is put it behind me. But investors were involved. Luckily my previous school offered their help to continue the project. So crossed fingers for film festivals or something next year. I've honestly become slightly bitter. I feel like the dreams and plans he and I held went 180 and down the trash. I'm much more career oriented. But then again, I'm in my twenties. I was accepted into film school in September. I have kept myself pretty busy. I've attempted to keep my bubbly attitude, but it is not the same. I am not the same. I am angry at him. Without one doubt, I'm sure as mad as hell at the man. His selfish act not only caused everyone around him pain. But he broke me into pieces. After the hysteria of the zombie attack out in Florida, I couldn't help in think what his personality would of become of if he continued bath salts. There are articles of aggressive behavior and murder by those on the substance. My mother claims if he and I were in person having the same argument, he would have killed me. My heart says no, but then again, he's not here is he? I was left with guilt. His friends and some of his family see me as the cause of his death. No, it's not assuming, it is a fact. Thank you for your public Facebook status's that in no way point fingers. But funny thing is, I remember being moody (Thanks birth control!) and depressed (my dad's family are assholes who have constantly put my brother and I down), yet I remember not once insulting or putting him down. Actually, I thought he was a catch. I told him, "You're perfect. Amazing." Insecurity makes you do crazy things. "All I asked was not talk for one night. Yes, I was rude. (My bad!) I ignored phone calls, responding texts to speak later or tomorrow. But what does he do? Gives me a good bye, asks me to tell his parents it wasn't their fault, and walks away from the phone leaving me dumb founded. I guess this was more about ranting. But, this website has helped more than I expected to. Somebody once asked me how I've managed to move forward, I replied. "Keeping Busy."

So Proud of you, Dwayne!

It's been quite some time since I've blogged here or anywhere actually. I've been busy with so many upcoming projects. Or I'm sleeping. If I'm not out working on something - sleep is my adventure ( if lucky). I dream the unwanted at times. Remembering Deric. I miss him. But that's why I'm so pre-occupied. I'm still workin on the film in honor of him. I invested all my money into a clothing store. I joined video production and a music engineer class. I have an internship going on and I'm coordinating a huge fashion show in Los Angeles for my store. In a way, I want to feel like I was worthy of Deric's love. He had so much going for him and I was just some kid who worked full time and went to school with low expectations. My dad's family pretty much hoped I failed. No support from them, negative comments, insults, - it didn't help. And now that I no longer have him, his beautiful personality, his love, his encouragement, I feel like a broken record. The ONE time I ever felt that, not even from my parents, my family, nor friends, it's instantly gone. Six months already.... I'm anti-social. Not by choice. I've gone out with friends, but I feel like crying by the end of the night. Whether it's guilt of attempting to enjoy myself and his absence or watching other couples lovingly embrace each other. The emotions just manage to take that one moment away. Cheers for a better tomorrow - Take care.

I've been and still am in that boat. It's honestly never ending. Luckily, they slowly become random than an every day event. I believe it's frustration we tend to vent out in our dream state so I believe. I can't say it becomes better, but it does become some what bearable. If you ever would like to talk to someone personally, I'm here. Best wishes, xoxo

With you on that one, honey! Glad you vented out. Took the words right out of my mouth.

This is completely beautiful. I think Deric & I fell in love at first sight. I was 15 and he was 17. I was the hostess with a flirty personality and he was the new guy. A rookie teenage busboy like the others. But the first time we glanced over at each other just was something else. Either way, he broke my heart, shred it to pieces, but the love is always there. Like I told him at his casket, "You stole my heart & I never want it back."

Well I've spoken to doctors and shrinks. And have amazing support so far. It randomly occurs, so it's rather abnormal. I attempt to keep distracted. Especially while I work on my film. That's my focus and goal in order to create Deric's foundation. But now I'm really curious in checking out that book!

Well, I've continued to have on-going nightmares related to Deric. I can't seem to prevent them, sadly. I've attempted to speak to a psychologist, increased my medication ( both anti - depressants / sleeping meds) and this is an on going issue. I either wake up crying or extremely suicidal which is far from my list. It's as if my nightmares trigger this motivation I plead not to have. Is it normal after grief? Maybe because I consider his death at my fault? Or I'm not coping with this properly.

Dwayne, Your effort into school is dedication. I'm so proud of you! Little by little. I know Pauline is watching over you and rooting you on. Best of luck, hon.

So thankful for this! You're amazing.

Hellooooo Everyone! I hope everyone had enjoyable holidays. I - being the anti- festive one this year, enjoyed a couple of cocktails and time with loved ones. Though I felt like a Grinch these Holidays, just watching the loved ones having a good time makes all a bit easier. - excluding the sappy happy couples or constant facebook updates of engagements. No offense, but the urge to ring their necks were high. But among the continuing roller coaster of emotions, I follow on. It truly scares me that I'm beginning to blur Deric's face. That I don't think much of him as I used to. That I can re-call anger than memories. But I know that this occurs after the withdrawal of not having him here. I bear with this pain unable to embrace as much as I'd like to. I was really blessed to have my little companion with me. As silly as it sounds, my Jack Russell was the ultimate gift this Christmas. I believe pets are quite the help with grief. Physically being able to show affection to something we cherish after loss helps incredibly so much. I wonder if I'm alone in that theory? Now to the sappy films with a hidden moral behind it! With or without moral , quite honestly. Just the moment the actors take the scene in revealing emotion of losing a loved one : physically falling to their knees, crying in such expressive pain. A ticking time bomb I tell ya. Though I've currently been working with actors and see them pull instant 180's ( bliss to major breakdown). I guess after editing, proper transitions, a gentle score, and thes featured acting, it hits you. It reminds of that personal emotion felt. I watched a movie that critic's spoke negatively about. The settings and concept also lacked a bit & floated around, but the raw emotion of death just snapped at me. I cried. Not to mention I'm not a crying type person. I guess with these experiences, we accept who we've become and the drastic difference

Theresa, my condolences are with you. Just the pain of loss is unbearable. I couldn't leave bed for days when I lost my boyfriend. Now I know you're in the right place getting help. I wish you all the best. Regarding your older child, the pain of grief I believe is difficult to embrace. I'm 20 and lost the person I loved unexpectedly to suicide. Though it's not the same, the pain left is the cycle of that hole in our hearts. I'm an upcoming film director / producer in Los Angeles. If you or your son would like someone to talk to, I'm here. Best of wishes , - xoxo

Very simple. What to do when the bubble of depression strikes us unexpectedly yet again? It's inevitable honestly. Whether we have medication or comfort, grief gives us bad gloomy days on a perfect sunny day or it shows us a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a slug lately. I shall dub the bed my safe zone. I can sleep all day and work through actor auditions from my phone. I stopped caring for myself. After days of 'hiding', I forced myself out of bed early in the morning. I seem more productive today. But off to a little babble. My disability is over and I resigned from work. Christmas is near & my shopping addiction has a good excuse! I guess what I'm trying to say amongst my rambling - How do we maintain depression? It's not a disease as some might say. It's not an excuse as the iggnorant might say. It's not a lifestyle as the foolish might say. I define it as a layer that coats your body. A heavy burden you unknowingly fight to keep a bliss filled state of mind. Psychiatrists refer to it as manic depression. A severe mental disease. I disagree. It's a state of emotion with a ongoing trigger. But I hope everyone is doing well ~ ps. I keep giving the homeless I come across money. A new face all the time. Whether I'm in different areas or near home - it simply breaks my heart. Even if I'm short of cash and I know saving it would be wiser, I still can't help it. A friend of mine once told me, 'I always have this hope that one of them might be secretly an angel.' Oddly enough, her comment stuck around my mind since then. Many, many years ago. It's not a religious stand point really, but I assume more of a innocent idea regarding hope.

I visited a well known Medium in Los Angeles. He said dreams are often the source of communication. As well as other articles and blogs that have mentioned the same thing.

Dwayne, your words are so helpful. I always enjoy stories about Pauline. You are an incredible person with an amazing heart. Kay, your dog is gorgeous! I love dogs & I'm such a sappy person that loves dog photos. Not going to lie, I am a http://dogs.icanhascheezburger.com fan! I love hearing the experiences many have gone through. It motivates me to continue and not to belittle life so much. It's just a matter of finding some peace with ourselves. Weather has been insane in California. My power was out for two days. Trees collapsed on cars and barricaded streets. Luckily no deaths or injuries were reported here in Los Angeles. So I apologize for my delayed reply!

Well everything seems to be going smooth. I have a lot in my hands. I'm currently casting my actors. The producers gave me the option of selecting my cast. I've had luck on my end regarding non union actors with experience in featured films and television show. Just a matter of seeing their abilities in bringing a character to life & the emotion of a tragedy so realistic & heartbreaking. My mind is currently a blur though. I can't seem to read a book, watch a movie, or even write without loosing focus and having a blank moment. I began watching an incredible film over thanksgiving weekend. - Actually, I spend Thanksgiving alone this year. My family was slightly worried leaving out of town, but they respected my wishes. I needed my days off away from everyone to release some pain. But returning back to the movie, it was titled 'What Dreams May Come' featuring Robin Williams & Cuba Gooding Jr. My heart shattered into pieces as I watched the beginning. Not because of the deaths of young children, the death of a husband or the idea of life after it. More so, the protagonist's wife in the movie. She said something that hit home so perfectly, "Dear Diary, I am writing in your bullshit pages because my shrink is crazier then I am. He thinks you're therapy. He figures if two babies can hammer me into a Psycho ward, what will I do with this ? He is so stupid. He's so stupid that he thinks he pulled me through the breakdown when it was Christy. Always. Only Chis. I was looking through his postcards. Paintings were his obsession. He used art as another way to love me, to help me. To keep us always together." I broke down and cried with such pain. My shrink had wanted a history of my life and childhood. She realized that I hadn't had an actual home since I was seven. Not one stable figure I could go to or even depend on. Not a father, mother, aunt, uncle, grandparent, zero. My father had full custody of my brother & I since I was seven. Hardly saw him. His sister & her family raised us until I was 14. But in fact, her family was horrible. They would insult us, make us feel like dirt and constantly use preference towards their only child. I recall her saying once, "If it wasn't for me, you'd be on the streets!" I moved around after fourteen. Several times with different family members. I avoided my mother most of the time. When I was little, she tended to take her frustration out on me physically. I attempted to live with her when I was 15. She kicked me out of her apartment late at night a couple of times and disowned me as well. Even to the point of shoving money down my shirt and kicking me out of her car. She had anger issues. I've worked since I was 15. Fought to go to school since I got my GED at 16. Both parents denied me their taxes in order to receive financial aid. Dependency over-write was denied for a couple of years without sufficient proof. But the big question my shrink had asked was, "Did you ever feel like you belonged? Or even loved?" I couldn't hold back my tears. ".... Deric." My body quivered as I attempted to gather myself together. The rush of emotions overwhelmed me with such pain as I vented out my anger. "He knew my issues. He knew I was scared of commitment because I ended up disappointed or hurt in the long run. He knew what emotional baggage I was!" I paused glaring down at the floor to overcome the tears. My voice slowly became inaudible, "He promised me he'd fight my fears and never give up. I never asked him to do that. I gave him many opportunities to find someone better. Someone who had a passion for medicine like he did. Or the knowledge of school. ... Someone without baggage!" "He's so stupid that he thinks he pulled me through the breakdown when it was Christy." That quote haunts me. The person I loved unconditionally as he loved me was my savior. He was the light at the end of the tunnel. He was my natural ecstasy and rush of adrenaline towards life. We are hit by rocks, but when we have the love of our life beside us- they feel like feathers. They become either our motivation, our shield, or our partner in crime. ....... It's just a matter of coping with that hole in our heart. How do we fill that void in our lives? Do we turn to work, school, people, or hobby? But than again, that's just substitution on an emotional behalf. What about the physical void? Missing their arms around you, their fragile touch against your face, even their lips against your own. Those that depend on others feel guilt or unable to still fill that void. Drugs or alcohol suppress your state of mind and pull us out of reality. But neither is the answer. Death is an instant withdrawal you have to fight yourself against to keep one own's sanity. I may be only 20, but I can never wish this pain on anyone. Time is my obstacle, my battle, and my enemy. - But onto other news. Milly is growing and teething! My hands are filled with marks and possibly scars. It's alright though. I get a kick of goofing around with my mutt. According to her pleasant vet, she's about 4 months and a Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix.

Exactly how I feel. It just doesn't feel right. It's a slap across the face reminding you it's not fair.

My boyfriend passed away two months ago. I hadn't been sleeping since his passing, so my psychiatrist gave me sleeping medication. Either way, I've been doing very well. Saw a grief counselor, even saw a medium a month ago. He was accurate and it gave me slight closure. Well, I hardly ever dream. Unless I eat before bed. A couple of nights ago was different. I was exhausted and took my sleeping pill. Didn't eat. I woke up around 2 am feeling energetic. Chatted with a couple of friends and fell back asleep. I remember my ears ringing really loudly. I saw nothing, as if I had my eyes closed. I remember a bright light flash, but it went pitch dark. The ringing soon soon became static like. Than I heard it, it was my boyfriend. He shouted my name, "Stacy!" It had a strange echo. Than he shouted one last time, "Forget about me!" The ringing quieted down. I have tinnitus, so that's not going away. I can't recall anything after that. I woke up around 4. I had never experienced something like that. It felt so realistic. And the way he shouted it sounded so cold. I don't know if it's me or if it was something else. It was basically a lucid dream I assume. Maybe my self conscious? I still feel guilty everyday. Other than that, I bought a pup to keep me distracted at home. An outside vendor had the audacity to have the puppy in a small bird cage and she even had fleas. She couldn't tell me her breed nor did she have the puppy vaccinated. So I bought the puppy. I named her Milly. I had remembered the conversation Deric and I had about children names. More so a random question. It wasn't a 'what are we going to name our kids?' Haha. More of a 2am, attempting to keep awake rambling,'if you had to pick your future child's name, what would it be?' That actually reminds me of the time he said, "I was a big headed baby, babe. I'm sorry ahead of time." Good funny memory I would have wished to experience. Anyway, Milly is a prancing disaster! I adore her though. She chews about everything, but the potty training is a work in progress. She's a handful and keeps my mind off the sad things. The film I created is currently in post production. I'm excited the project I created is getting off the ground. But to my joy, not only am I producing it - I have the opportunity to co-direct it! A dream come true since I was a kid. Though it's a tv movie- it's something! How many 20 year olds have had this blessing? But among other things, I cry, I struggle. Depression is tough. I'm suicidal. It's normal. I'm sure at least somebody here has had that state of mind at least once. Anti-Depressants are a stimulant. They are not a magic pill. I'm currently on Celexa - 150mg. So I have my good moments and my bad. I hope everyone is doing well !

It's been a couple of weeks, but a lot has occurred since then. Keep going strong everybody! Quick summary. Didn't pursue the work as an extra. Created a fictional short film on bath salts. One week later, it was picked by a production company associated with DirectTv and has been extended to an hour. Several phone conferences and paperwork later- pre-production will begin soon. The air date goal for AFC is in January. After reading Dave's story, I decided to see a medium. I was completely skeptical, but the man had books out and had been featured on television. He completely surprised me with his accuracy. To the point he quoted something Deric would say often. I started attending church on Sundays. A Christian service that's unlike other churches. It's nice to try something new at your comfort than going somewhere where people shove things down your throat. Beyond all that, I still tend to run off to the car in the parking lot and talk to Deric every couple of days. Though I know he can't hear me, it's just nice to vent out and cry out the pain that tends to build up. With revenue that I'll receive from the film - I've considered to start a scholarship fund in dedication to him. He always told me education was important factor. He'd even lend his friends money for school. I see it as way he can still contribute to help others even after his passing. Best wishes everybody! xoxo, Stacy.

It's officially one month since I received that phonecall. Since I last heard his voice. Since his last 'I love you'. I remember the call from his mother confirming the on-going nightmare. It's odd though. I hardly have been sleeping with or without sleeping pills. I hardly ever dream. It's very unusual with me. But when I woke up this morning, I remembered the dream I experienced. In that dream, Deric was alive. And he was angry at me. Ignoring me. I woke up and noticed my surroundings and realized he was still gone. I want to cry, but I can't. It's like my body is tired of doing so. Well, I hope everyone has a good day. Best wishes. xoxo,