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lil kid

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  • Location (city, state)
    california
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    my son, my man, my extended family, music, camping, bbqs

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    na
  1. michele - 'this to, shall pass'...ever heard of that one? so hard to REALLY believe, but.... i remember the first time i REALLY laughed after my dad's death. and then i immediately cried. i cried because i'm kinda known for my laughter & sense of humor, but all of a sudden, when i REALLY laughed, i realized that i hadn't done so in way too long. i said out loud to my husband, "do you see me smiling? look how i'm laughing!" seemed like it had all become so foreign to me, and that is why i cried. i thought, 'this isnt me - to be so forlorn all of the time'. i know that you feel alone in your grieving, and you are - but only to an extent. you have this place to come to & hopefully some friends or family that you can vent to / cry when you need to. delayed reaction is how i feel as well....and i find that im disapointed in myself for even having these thoughts/emotions after all these years ( almost 3)...but IT DOES happen, & you have to let yourself move through them. take time to feel it, as awful as it is..because it will heal you in the long haul.
  2. i agree with shell - you have to show understanding & empathy, BUT.... it's a shame your brother is feeling so lost & without direction, but he is an adult, just like you & you have to realize that we ALL are lost sometimes & we 'buck up' and, as my dad would say 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' & just do it. day to day - do it. there is room for discussion, but you need to maintain your own sanity here. and i also agree w/ shell when she says its normal to feel like you've 'gotten over it' and then find yourself feeling like it happened yesterday...i've been that way lately too, and its almost been 3 years. i've experienced a lot of death in my life (on average, one every year since i was 20 & im now 36), but the death of a parent is one to beat all others. i think its the unconditional love factor that plays a part. you know, how people say that only your animals & your parents will love you that way......makes it even harder to move on sometimes. seems to me your brother may have been coddled just a bit & so he is struggling with that added emotion, ya know? anyway, you sound like such a sweet person, & i would hate to see this added emotional stress start to affect you... be there for him, he's your brother....but don't lose site of YOURSELF and what YOU need to make it through day to day...
  3. lil kid

    So Tired

    i had to chuckle out loud when read your post....people are sooooo misunderstanding when it comes to the loss of a pet sometimes. i had the same advice given to me when i had to put my girl down. my (ex-husband now) told me "you're a dog trainer, im tired of seeing you like this..you NEED another dog". it made sense at the time. i wanted a bullmastiff, you know -something big & strong & lazy (like my LAST dog). i ended up w/ something smaller, stronger, & with more energy than i can give. my dog now is a good dog - loving, playfull and all those 'good' things. but its not the same. i got her when she was a pup & i have yet to bond w/ her (shes almost 7) as much as i did my last dog. i am no longer a dog trainer, but still an avid lover of (most) dogs. this one just takes too much from me...its like having a toddler, for crying out loud. i saved her, as i saved my last one - but where's the reciprocation??? my husband now laughs at me when i say 'i hate this dog'....i dont really HATE her, i wouldnt want to see her hurt in anyway & would protect her from danger if i had to.... im just mis-matched (as we call it in the training industry). my ex-professional & personal advice to you would be to ONLY start looking for a dog when you start to miss that 'general' companionship...and THEN - only get a dog that fits your lifestyle & personality. i still talk about my old girl ....that will NEVER go away, and why should it?? she was one in a million
  4. CHRYSTAL - i know what you mean. my dad had a motorcycle accident, held on for 44 days before he gave in...there were times when he was conscious, but he was on a ventilator for all that time, so i never heard his voice again. he would look at me, my sis, and my mom crying & breathing so hard against the machines.....the first time i saw him in that hospital bed, i told him how proud of him i was, how strong he was, how he shouldnt have even made it off the side of the road or through his surgery, but look at what a mans man he is!...he would smile, squeeze my hand...then i walked out of his room w/ the promise of returning soon, & i threw up in the drinking fountain of the hallway. i remember saying to the doctor "thats not my dad! thats not my dad!" i remember my mother (a career nurse) explaining "she's in shock" to the others there....on additional visits, i would play his favorite music on the little boom box, sing songs to him that he & i would sing together since i was a little girl. my sis would tell him how we caught osama bin laden & he would raise his eyebrows...he would've loved that kind of stuff. but i started thinking, is he thinking "how long have i been here like this?" or "how much time has passed?" "will i be the same if i make it through this? or is this a battle i cant win?" i wondered if he was afraid. i couldnt bring myself to ask him those questions (you never know what you SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do in those situations). it took me a long, long time to let go of those images...even the last image i have of him the bed, raising his arm to wave me goodbye w/ our special family sign language (not the standard) for 'i love you'....those memories are hard to erase, arent they? emblazened in your mind, they are. as time passes though, they will become faded & in their place will be fond memories of your childhood & nice conversations or funny stories from your adulthood w/ him....at least that has been the case for me & my sis. we're coming up on 3 yrs now, so...might take shorter or longer for you, i dont know. i hope that for you, though...i really do. its so, so hard but you WILL make it through. you may not feel it now, but you are much stronger than you think.
  5. lori - yes, that IS why you are feeling that way - your dads b-day. my first fathers day w/out my dad sent me into a tail spin ..i called a friend who had also lost her dad years ago. she made an interesting point....the body can recall a mental anguish or trauma long before the mind processes it. this made sense, as i was sick to my stomach for DAYS before the calendar read FATHERS DAY. i had requested fathers day off from work in anticipation of my mental state (i am a 911 operator & am responsible for remaining calm, professional, and ready to assist others in their most traumatic times). however, i couldnt pin point why i felt the way i did PHYSICALLY - nauseous, headache, tightness in the throat. i assumed it was a cold or flu..but i was also very weepy & sensitive w/ no logical explanation. when my friend suggested to me about the mind/body connection, i realized what was happening. so now, i request the days off BEFORE whatever IT is (fathers day, his birthday, ann. of his accident, ann. of his death, etc) and i go to the cemetary (alone) and REALLY let it out...i now work on the ACTUAL days, and i can make it through an entire shift w/out having to take numerous breaks to recuperate or go home early, which is progress for me. things do tend to get worse before they get better...and the process is different for all. you are not crazy and you are not weak - YOU ARE HUMAN. please know that, k?
  6. it's been a while since ive been on the site, but i've been struggling w/ the same thing, leann....when i saw your message i thought "me too!" wow... your words really speak to me. for me, im coming up on 3 years now (in a couple weeks) and i can feel the lump in my throat developing. i want so badly to call some friends, but im afraid they will politely listen to me, yet think, "geez...isnt she over this yet?" ironically, ive been receiving emails from some of my dad's friends & distant cousins telling me how much they miss him, but im not 'connected' to those people, ya know? i want MY FRIENDS to acknowledge it. but, we all have kids/husbands/our own daily drama, etc... so here i am. so glad this site is here. leann, i agree w/ the other posts - you really do become aware of those who say 'anything you need' (because thats the standard reply) and those who just DO for you...know what i mean? those who still call, still ask how you're doing, those who take the TIME. i know we cant possibly expect for others on the fringe of the grieving process to continue supporting us for years & years (and it DOES take that long) but yet, it is still disapointing to feel that others have 'moved on' and you are still 'stuck'. my only advice would be for you to know & see WHO IS there for you & use them, for lack of a better term...and always, always THANK them for being there for you in your continuing time of need....know also, that this site is forever a place for you to blow off steam, cry, & get different points of view. we are all here for each other, and we should all cherish that....good luck & much love & understanding to you....
  7. MULTIPLE LOSSES ARE EXTREMLY DIFFICULT, TO SAY THE LEAST. MY DAD GOT INTO A MOTORCYLE ACCIDENT ON MY PARENTS 33RD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. HE WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT IN ANOTHER STATE, WHILE HERE AT HOME, MY GRANDMOTHER (MOM'S MOM) DIED IN FRONT OF OUR EYES ONE WEEK LATER. AFTER REELING FROM THAT, MY UNCLE (MOM'S OLDER BROTHER) DIED IN HIS LIVING ROOM OF SOMETHING "UNUSUAL" (WE WILL NEVER KNOW, DUE TO MY AUNT HAVING HIM CREMATED-NO AUTOPSY)...THAT HAPPENED ONE YR LATER....I FEEL MOSTLY FOR MY MOTHER IN ALL OF THIS. TO LOSE YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR BROTHER IN A SPAN OF 1 1/2 YRS, IS TOO MUCH. I DONT KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHEN I CALL HER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY & SHE'S IN BED WATCHING T.V. & EATING CHEETOS, SHE'S IN A BAD WAY. WHAT CAN YOU DO, REALLY? NOTHING...JUST RIDE THE WAVE, I SUPPOSE & BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER. BE IN TUNE WITH THOSE AROUND YOU WHO CAN RELATE....THIS IS A GREAT FORUM FOR THAT, I THINK. JUST A SMALL ATTEMPT AT WRAPPING OUR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER, PRAYING FOR GUIDANCE....
  8. CHARLIE, I AGREE WITH SHELL....DO YOU THINK YOU MAY BE PUTTING TOO MANY DEMADS ON YOURSELF? I KNOW THE FEELING OF NOTHING QUITE FALLING INTO PLACE.. THAT MURPHY'S LAW TYPE THING...BUT TRY TO TAKE A SECOND TO PRIORITIZE, IF YOU CAN. PLAN YOUR VACATION & MAYBE DO SOMETHING TO HONOR YOUR FATHER WHILE ON IT. EAT HIS FAVORITE FOOD, OR LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC DURING YOUR DRIVE/FLIGHT TO YOUR DESTINATION. THAT'S WHAT I DO SOMETIMES & I'VE FOUND IT TO BE QUITE CATHARDIC. IN FACT, AS I'M TYPING TO YOU, I'M SIPPING ON HIS FAVORITE BEER....
  9. I AGREE, WITH THE ANGER. I FEEL THAT, TOO ON MANY LEVELS.. I DONT HAVE AN ISSUE WITH THE HOSPITAL STAFF(THEY WORKED VERY HARD FOR MY DAD), DONT HAVE A PROBLEM EVEN WITH THE EVENTS THAT BROUGHT HIM THERE (THOUGH IT TOOK ME 2 YRS TO COME TO GRIPS WITH IT). WHAT I DO HAVE ANGER TOWARDS IS MY GODFATHER, FOR ONE. HE KNEW MY DAD SINCE THEY WERE 5 YRS OLD...HE & I WERE ESTRANGED DUE TO AN ARGUEMENT YRS BEFORE...BUT WHEN I SAW HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HOSPITAL, I HUGGED HIM - TOLD HIM "IM SORRY ABOUT YOUR FRIEND"..YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT AT THAT MOMENT, NOR IN THE 44 DAYS TO FOLLOW, NOR IN THE 2 1/2 YRS SINCE MY DAD'S DEATH HAS THAT MAN EVER SAID HE WAS SORRY FOR MY LOSS! ALL HE TALKS ABOUT & TELLS PEOPLE & WRITES IN HIS LOCAL NEWSPAPER COLUMN IS HOW DEVESTATED HE IS! NO MENTION OF ME, MY SISTER, OR MY MOTHER IN OUR LOSS....ONE OTHER SOURCE OF ANGER, IS A CO-WORKER OF MINE. I OVER HEARD HER TALKING THE OTHER DAY ABOUT HOW HER DAD ASKED HER IF SHE WAS "WORKING ON SUNDAY" SHE TOLD HIM, "YES" HE SAID, "DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S FATHERS DAY?" SHE SAID "YEAH, DAD..I KNOW - AND I'VE ALSO WORKED THE LAST 3 FATHERS DAYS...DONT WORRY, I WILL TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH ON MONDAY" LIKE HE WAS AN IRRITATING CHILD OR PET ....I ALMOST SHOOK HER. HER FATHER (IN MY OPINION) WAS REACHING OUT TO HER, FEELING SAD A BIT THAT SHE DIDN'T REQUEST THE DAY OFF SO SHE COULD SPEND TIME WITH HIM. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR ONE MORE LUNCH OR DINNER DATE WITH MY DAD! (HE ALWAYS TOLD ME I WAS A GOOD DATE! HAHA)... WELL, I KNOW IT'S NO USE TO SAY ANYTHING TO HER BECAUSE SHE WILL REALIZE IN TIME, WON'T SHE? AND I WILL BE THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE DOES.
  10. I, TOO HAVE THE SAME 'THING'...I CAN CLEAN HOUSE, MAKE DINNER, GO TO WORK, TAKE MY BOY TO SCHOOL, TALK TO FRIENDS, GO TO THE STORE, TEND TO MY HUSBAND....AND ON AND ON...BUT IN MY ALONE HOURS, I AM A WRECK. 2 1/2 YRS FOR ME NOW & I'M WONDERING WHEN THIS WILL ALL END! I DID HAVE A SUCESSFUL NIGHT AT WORK TONIGHT, THOUGH. LAST YEAR I ATTEMPTED TO WORK ON FATHER'S DAY & MADE IT ALL OF 3 HOURS BEFORE SOMEONE HAD TO DRIVE ME HOME BECAUSE I WAS SO HYSTERICAL. ...HOW EMBARASSING. BUT TONIGHT (WITH MY SUPERVISORS LOOKING CLOSELY AFTER ME) I WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH MY ENTIRE SHIFT...BUT WHEN I WALKED OUT TO MY CAR (MY DAD'S CAR, I SHOULD SAY) I BROKE DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT. ON THE ONE HAND, I KNEW HE WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR "MOVING ON"..I WAS TRULY MY DAD'S DAUGHTER TONIGHT. ON THE OTHER HAND, I FELT SO GUILTY THAT I DIDN'T STAY HOME LISTENING TO HIS RECORDS & SOBBING ALL DAY FOR HIM. IT'S SO HARD TO SAY WHAT IS 'RIGHT' IN THIS SITUATION...WHAT IS 'NORMAL' & 'EXPECTED'. I AM JUST LEARNING TO LET IT OUT WHENEVER IT COMES OUT & DAMN TO EVERYONE ELSE... MA'AM...IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE LIVED A LIFE OF CARETAKING & LOVING WITH YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS......WHEN WILL YOU GIVE YOURSELF SOME SLACK & TAKE CARE OF & LOVE YOURSELF? THOSE WHO KNOW & LOVE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND & SUPPORT YOU, YA KNOW? YOU NEED TO GIVE THEM SOME CREDIT, AFTER ALL. I WOULD BET THAT SOMEONE (PROBALBLY MORE THAN JUST ONE) WOULD BE THERE FOR YOU NOW....LET GO JUST A LITTLE BIT & LET THAT LOVE & CARETAKING SURROUND YOU FOR ONCE IM HUGGING YOU RIGHT NOW!
  11. boy, do i feel your pain. i remember sitting in my living room when i got the call that my dad was literally laying on the side of a desert road after a motorcycle accident. "it can't be" was what i thought. after all, my dad was a motorcop for 30 years, receiving "safe rider" awards and all....well, it DID happen, & he fought vialliantly for 44 days until his body just couldn't take it anymore. i am new to this site & when i saw your message, i just wanted to reach out to you....when you have work, a husband, and children looking to you for all they need, it seems impossible to do it, doesn't it? and to be truthful...it IS impossible for a while.... i wish for you an understanding husband - one who will help to pick up the slack on the home front (dishes, meals, laundry, etc).... you would be surprised how those "little" things can overwhelm you at a time like this. i don't even know if i have any worthwhile advice for you other than to just let it all come out WHENEVER it comes out. i can tell you from my experience (and my sister's), that you need to find someone, somewhere, where you feel comfortable letting it all out...even if it's just 10 minutes, because if you don't do that (in my experience) you could possibly develope actual physical ailments yourself, ya know? i am 2 1/2 years into my grieving process and have only recently come to the conclusion that if i DON'T reach out, DON'T talk about it, then i will be of no use to ANYONE. not my husband, not my child, not my boss, not even my sister or mother or friends. it is more than easy to fall very deep into your thoughts of grief, anger & woe... i think this site is a good place to start & i am glad to see you finding it more quickly than i have! you WILL survive this...you WILL be 'better' one day... you have to believe that & ride the wave that is coming your way...you will learn to find strength deep within yourself...i pray for you & for all of us in this journey.
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