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DebbieS

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Everything posted by DebbieS

  1. If hope i have a fatal heart attack during the class.
  2. It is a kind of exercise/dance class with latin music. At least, I think it is latin music. I am going to my first class on Monday. I will let you know.
  3. I am so there. Even though I now have two puppies plus my big boy cat to take care of, I am waiting to die and hoping it is soon. I want to be with my husband. Okay, before somebody panics, I am talking about someone else taking me out, not me hurting myself. Thanks. It helps to know I'm not totally nuts. Even if I am, I don't much care at this point.
  4. Thanks, Mary. I have gone to a widowed to widowed group three times. I am scheduled to go this next Tuesday at 6:30. I am finding that I have no energy for extras after I leave work. You are very insightful regarding new years eve. I don't want to go to this event. I am supposed to go out tonight as well. All I want to do is sleep. I purchased the supplies to make Moussaka, but I really don't have the energy to make it. It's not that it is at all difficult, I am just tired. I am going to take a nap and see if I have enough energy to follow through when I wake up.
  5. I thought I was doing pretty well, then I got home and was almost immediately vomiting. I wasn't nauseous. It seemed to come from nowhere. I think it was holding my emotions in check. I woke up the day after Christmas feeling like Mike died just a few weeks ago. It hasn't been that long, Sept 9, 2011. My brain tells me lies- that I don't belong anywhere. I just want to be with him. I don't know how long I will have to wait to be with him. I spent the whole day crying and feeling out of touch. I went back to work yesterday for the first time since September 30th. I am exhausted. It takes a lot of energy to be back at work and deal with the emotions that are coming up. I'm supposed to be with a bunch of pals for the new year. I hope I make it.
  6. My mother and my son are in my living room decorating the tree. I set it up, but I cannot put a single ornament on it. I woke up thinking of him this morning. The last day he was conscious was running through my head. I keep trying to find something I could have done different that might bring him back. I know that can't be done, but it doesn't seem to stop my brain from searching down those corridors of my memory bank. I think it is cruel to have to have a tree. My son moved here from Ohio to be with me, so I don't have to be in the house alone. He wanted the tree, so I said okay. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know how hard. I hear them making comments about the ornaments. "Oh, this one came from Greer." We bought most of the ornaments together. They mean something to us. US! How do I survive? I how about WE. I am struggling with I. Desperately sad. Yesterday, a friend told me that when couples are very close, as we were, the second one often dies within six months of the first. I sincerely hope she is right! This world is not the same place without my honey bear.
  7. Melina, It is less than three months for me, and I spent most of the night crying and wailing. Earlier in the evening, I went to a friend's 50th birthday party. It was the kind of event where my husband would be quietly watching or talking and laughing AND taking the greatest candid photos you ever saw. I stayed for two and a half hours- a record for me these days. I came home, watched taped tv until after 2 am and forced myself into the bedroom. Somedays are just too hard. I am out on FMLA for this wicked, debilitating grief. I know I'm not ready to go back to work. I cry every day, many times a day and sometimes most of the day. This week, I "celebrate" 26 years clean on the date my husband would have been 63. Celebrating is really not the right word for it. My celebration will consist of friends coming over to play Scrabble and love me. I really am blessed with the loving support of my friends and family. It isn't that I'm not grateful. It is that none of it- friends, family, celebrations- takes away the pain of missing him. I just want to feel his presence. I want to hold him and physically feel the love we shared for so many years. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about that deep intimacy that comes from knowing and being present with someone you love who loves you like no other. I guess this is totally off topic. I keep hoping I will get hit by a bus or have a fatal heart attack. I know this isn't really what is ahead of me. I have to- get to live a spiritual life, whether I want to or not. I am trying desperately to practice surrender in and to the process of being here. That you have done this for over a year is more than I can imagine. I wish you moments of peace. Debbie
  8. This week has been one of many tears. How can I continue to feel so wounded and not die of a broken heart? I would be happy to do so. Before somebody starts worrying that I am going to hurt myself, know that suicide is not an option. I want to see my husband again, and I can't do that if I take myself out. I would be happy to be hit by a freight train or a bus or have an incurable heart attack. I must be surviving on the prayers that others are offering on my behalf. I am not doing much praying these days. I am so enraged with God and with people who say stupid things like "it's sin that allows death, not God." Bullsh--! OR the book with the title of Good Grief. My son has moved from Ohio to live with me for awhile. I am grateful he is here. I am also overwhelmed by having someone in my house that is not my husband. My plan for the next week is to try to get a living revocable trust and a will in place. I don't want my son to have any problems when I am gone. I went to a grief support group for the first time this past week. I didn't want to go. Since they had all lost spouses or significant others, I really felt they got it. They meet every Tuesday night in Tempe. The next two Tuesdays, I have commitments, but I will likely return after that. They seem like nice people. I have a friend who is clairvoyant. She has given me some information from Mike. She will be here again tomorrow to tell me more. I am wanting a laundry list of actions to complete, so I get to leave here... kind of like fulfilling entrance requirements for college. "Okay, you have submitted all the correct paperwork. You have been admitted." I am afraid it won't be that simple, but that is my wish. Mike died on September 9, 2011. November 22 would have been his 63rd birthday. My recovery date is also on November 22nd. For all the years we were married, we "shared" the date. For his 60th birthday, he took center stage. When I celebrated 25 years of recovery, I did. I don't understand how God could break up such a great team! How have you gotten through this pain? I need nuts and bolts, not pie-in-the-sky ideas. Thanks for listening.
  9. Good morning, I am moving through life in a kind of fog. I am taking time off from work to heal a bit. I work with mentally ill people who have been charged with crimes both large and small. Some are in jail, but most are scattered across a nearly seventy mile area. It is all the driving that is dangerous for me and every one else on the road with me. I am just not focused. Last night, I scheduled a massage for this Saturday, only to awaken this morning to remember I have a prior commitment for the time I scheduled the massage. I am being forced to write things down, and then, I forget I have written them down. In our bedroom, I have a blown-up photo of my husband from his memorial service, his urn, his memorial flag and special mementoes of him... of us. I kiss his photo and the urn and talk to him. I just can't put my arms around him and hear him call me his "wonderful wife". I miss him. I had an early dinner with a friend yesterday. It isn't that I don't have lots of friends close by wanting to be there. I just miss him. I know you all understand this like none of the people close to me. For the ones that are local, they all have their loved ones to go home to. I notice I get impatient when I hear one of them complaining about their spouse. In as loving a way as I can manage, I let them know I would give anything for the little daily annoyances that come with living with someone you love. He was, and in some ways still is, my best friend. How do you get through the loneliness? I can be lonely in a group of people. So I know that just being busy isn't the answer. I pray, but my prayers are marred by my anger at this higher power who is supposed to have my highest good in mind. How is Mike's death God's will? How does this suffering lead to our highest good? I know it always has in the past. This time it just seems incomprehensible. I feel like I am just whining. I am just in mind numbing, sometimes blinding pain. Thanks for listening. Debbie S
  10. In about four hours, my husband, love of my life and honey bear will be gone for one month. The last few days of his life, he was in a coma with a ventilator and medications keeping his heart beating. Friends of mine from Tucson just left about an hour ago. I really am blessed to have such loving friends. It doesn't take away the pain, but I do know I am loved... just not the way my honey bear loved me. I have a very large blown up photo from the memorial service propped up on my dresser by his military flag and his urn. I pick up his urn and hold him close. Long before he passed, we talked about dying and being cremated. I asked him where he wanted his ashes placed. He said he wanted them to be close to me. So, that is where they are- on the dresser, next to the bed. He never asked me where I wanted my ashes to be. I realized this morning that the reason was he could not bear to think of being without me. I understand that feeling very deeply right now. I had told him that should I go first, I wanted him to find someone to love him and take care of him. He didn't like those sentiments at all, but he knew I wanted him to be loved and cared for. I always thought I would be better equipped to manage the grief. Maybe I am, but I am totally unprepared for the overwhelming pain I feel most of the time. The only relief I have had since he passed was playing Scrabble with a couple of my girlfriends. I thanked them for the relief. Since that time, we have played again, and the girls want to make it a regular event. We are very different in many ways. The younger is 31 and teaches school. The other on is in her mid-forties and is a vet. I am 55 and have worked with the mentally ill for many years (currently on leave). The thing we have in common is recovery from addiction. I have been clean for almost 26 years. I plan on celebrating that anniversary on November 22nd. That's another thing. My husband was born on November 22, 1948. We used to joke about sharing the day. I admit that there was a time when I was resentful of sharing my clean "birthday" with his chronological one. How I wish I could share this one with him! I am all over the place with making decisions. I am scheduled for elective surgery in December. I have gone from thinking I will just reschedule it for a couple of weeks from now to thinking I will cancel it all together. I understand not making big decisions. Does that mean canceling previously made decisions, too? Funny, I have worked on the helping/giving side of the table for a long time. Being on the receiving side is humbling. I can help you find your own truth, but I am having difficulty making decisions of my own. On an intellectual level, I get it. On a heart level, I am all over the place. Okay, I am rambling. I just wanted to let you all know it is yet another anniversary day. I appreciate your support. I am feeling undeserving of it, but I do appreciate it.
  11. Dear All on this site, Thank you for your love and warm words. I saw a counselor yesterday and shared my thoughts with her. She told me that an enlightened person she knew many years ago told her that when it is our time, there is someone there to guide us to the next experience. If you go before it is your time, there is no guide, and you can get stuck somewhere. My intent is to be with my honey bear. If appears that I can't do that until my HP decides it is my time. I am grieving deeply. I have warm supportive friends who keep calling and showing up. I have a busier social calendar for the next week than I had before my love passed. He WAS my social calendar. I'm writing mainly to let you know I am okay. It seems I worried you. I'm just talking out loud, instead of just in my head. Thanks. Debbie S
  12. My husband died September 9, 2011. I keep thinking of ways to leave this world without it looking like I did it on purpose. I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process. I just want to be with my husband. We were married for seventeen years, and I love him more today that the day we were married. It's been like that for the last fourteen years. The first three years, we were like two bulls in a china shop. We didn't hit each other, but we sure did argue a lot. He was 45 when we married and had never been married before. I had been divorced for seven years. Both of us were very set in our ways. My girlfriends thought I was either really brave or really crazy. It was a little of both. We grew together and become one. Somebody read me a story about water bugs and dragonflies yesterday. I am ready to be a dragonfly. I don't know how to do this life without him, and I don't want to do it. I just want to be with him. I'm ready to check out the Hemlock Society. I have to get a will written first, so my son will have no difficulty. Please don't think I am being morbid, I just want to continue my life with my honey bear.
  13. I have thought so many of the same things. I don't want to go on without my husband. We planned to grow old together, and now, he is gone. It doesn't seem real. I hold his urn and am convinced it isn't really him. He is just out doing something and will come swinging in the door any minute. I don't know how to do this, and I don't want to. How do you keep moving through life when your soul is shattered and half of you is missing?
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