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LOH

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Everything posted by LOH

  1. Wow I am surprised to see the responses that post created. I'm kinda lost for words, and really not sure what to say. Had a healing session the other day- and feel much better for it. Has me connected with life again. That's important. I've decided to study again. Am excited about that. It's something Lnx and I had discussed I would do. So it's in her honour, as much as creating my new future. I have also joined the SES (State emergency Service) now. It's great. Nice to meet people, learn, and help people. That's my two goals for the next 4 years. That feels good. Keeping it simple, but also involved and interested. It's 11 days now til her passing. About to start a new job- am hoping to get the day off... Would like to go swagging that day. It's important to me.. and actually if I work, I will swag the day before and the day after! Feels good to have that figured out. thanks for listening.
  2. It's been hard to come back, because so many emotions. In just a few days, it's her birthday. I am not doing so well. Feeling pretty lost, devastated, trapped in many ways. I wanted to say thank you for the love and care you have all shown me, and such a warm welcome. Some days I feel strong, and others just totally a write off. TODAY IS A WRITE OFF DAY. - oh well... at least there is another tomorrow- I guess. Although at times it's hard to know why tomorrow should even matter. I am slowly trying to do things that help, that begin some form of making a new life- but it all feels so hollow. And the isolation does not help at all. And I got myself into a new relationship- and it's been hard work and drama. I am existing that now. I don't even know how to talk about any of that, and how it came about. All I know is that this new person has not allowed any room for my grieving, and even is 'scared' of my old partner! She f'n dead, and she is jealous of her. Go figure! ah.. breathe is the moto for day. just chill and breathe. I quit my job yesterday in such a state of overwhelm. need to figure out what I do now.!!!!!!! I have so fallen apart... and then I get things together a bit, and it all falls apart as I fall apart in deep grief again. I am sure my Lynx would be devastated to see how much I am struggling with the loss of my love, my soul mate, my best friend, and the only person who has ever REALLY understood me so deeply and perfectly. It was a match made in heaven as the expression goes. A far cry from the relationship I have been in recently. I'm so sad. I miss her so much. and I hardly know how to even grieve this from here. Acceptance is the goal. Finding ways to move forwards with meaning in life again is the other goal. My compassion to you all as you walk this painful pathway, LOH (I'm sorry that i am not in a place to be able to do much supporting of others right now. I know that will change, but right now- I'm an empty vessel in need I guess. Hard to accept- but it is the truth of where I am at. )
  3. I understand that. there are still some things I can not do for the guilt, or the sadness it triggers. Slowly I am doing some more of them. I remember starkly the first time I had to buy groceries after she died... I was so off my face. there are still some favourite things I can't buy- because that is our favourite food together. Sometimes I feel pride and a shared experience by doing some of those things- like it feels closer to her. Other times I just can't face it. Sending support and acre to you...
  4. I lost the love of my life last November... so the anni is coming up. I'm still devastated. I still have no sense of who I am anymore, or what the purpose of living is. I can't see any sense in working, helping people, waking up. I just don't see any purpose in anything. I've been so frustrated in getting therapy, as I keep not having enough money to attend. i know I need it regularly... but I haven't been able to afford it. my life has been so sh*t since she died. So much stress, not enough money, wavering from one emotion to another. I feel broken. My life seems to be broken and like there is no purpose in anything. It's weird because I am usually a highly motivated person, with a passion for helping people... and now- I don't give a sh*t about anything, or anyone. I am just so hurt. So lost... and it's taken me this long to even think about looking for an online support group! Derrrrr. Why does life have to be so hard! Enough agony! So sorry to introduce myself in such a mess of a place. I need support. I am acutely aware of that. i am hoping people here can offer the gentle understanding I require. One day I hope to be able to live again, and see there is a reason to keep going! Right now... i'm so unsure why! It hurts so deeply. LOH
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