sadloser

Here is Death, indeed. I've been sleeping with my husband's ashes for 9 months. I am wearing his clothes, shoes and watch. I am reading the books he read. I am chewing the unchewable past meal after meal. Like the lotus eaters, I am indulging myself in the past and refuse to go farther. Here is Death. Indeed. "Death may be the greatest of all human blessings", said Socrates, that can not be more true for me at this moment. I believe in Death more than I believe in any other gods. Here is death. Here. Now. Each night I can hear Death's beckon, one way or another..."Come and put your head through the loop! Take the pills in the cabinet! Stick the knife in your heart! Jump off from the tallest building!".... I am not afraid to take the leap as I've done my "homework", and I am becoming more comfortable in embracing Death than Despair.

Everyone is different... My stages of grief: 1) Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, DESPAIR, SADNESS, SELF-HATRED, SELF-ABADNDONMENT, SELF-ALIENATION, SUICIDAL ATTEMPT, INDIFFERENCE, DISINTEREST, NUMBNESS, LOSS OF FOCUS, DISORIENTATION, CYNICISM, SILENCE, ANTI-SOCIAL 2) Same 3) Same 4) Same 5) Same 6) Same 7) Same If you don't agree, you don't understand my pain. If you think I should see a psychologist, psychiatrist or bereavement counselor, you don't understand that none of them can help me. If you think I should call 911, you don't realize that 911 can't stop me from doing things that I want to do. And please don't mention God to me any more. I went to churches but didn't find any comfort at all. If God can't bring my husband back to life, God can not help me. So, this is my never-ending stages of grief. Call me a loser!