thank you guys for sharing your experiences...it's actually very helpful, and very nice to have insight and perspective from others.
I don't know how I'd fair in a group grief counseling setting, but I have considered trying to hunt down my old therapist from high school. she was awesome, and the one therapist I ever grew fond of and could talk to. so, there's that.
I had plans before all this, I wont back down now or anything but I think it'll take some time 'til I'm emotionally stable enough to function in society and get these things accomplished. (don't giggle) but Lee always pushed me (with love) to get my GED so I could go to a make up school, perhaps MAC Houston or through Sephora...and to learn to drive (uber afraid of cars, am I the only one? eff cars.) so, I know I do have things to look forward to, they're just not quite at arms length yet, if you will...
one thing I regret, though Lee always told me "regret is the most counter-productive emotion humans put themselves through"; is that we took photos of each other, but not enough. and not enough together. I'm thinking of making a small, private album I can link public to, I'm not sure flickr has that feature but I'll check it out. for now, I think I'll attach my favorite photo he took of me and a few more that were good too. I hope no one minds. (I can tell no one will mind, just sayin'.) he was quite good with a camera, it was some help that I consider myself an amateur photographer, hehe. but yeah. here's some of those, they're sweet photos.
the last one, of myself and our bunny Oliver, is a bit bittersweet to look at, because we both considered her our baby, since we never could get around to making our own. she died September 17th. he was the first person I called. made him so sad, he loved Oliver so much...heh
anyway, again, I'd like to thank all for the replies and personal experiences. I feel, well somewhat less lost. I'm still not quite there yet, and I'm still trying to be strong, but this has been a hugely immense help, and I was very skeptical about it at first. so thank you guys, for being nonjudgmental, for understanding. I can't be thankful enough for his friends, our friends, my personal friends, family, and this host of strangers online who have nothing but nice, sweet stories and things to say. thank you. x