ForeverHudsonsMom

The 'My First Halloween' onesie hanging in Hudson's closet, unworn, is killing me. I don't even like Halloween. But today was supposed to be different. He'd wear his little outfit, we would take all sorts of pictures. Instead we are sitting here, tortured by the fact he isn't here with us. Another reminder of how much he has to miss out on. God, I miss my baby.

Hi Marty, First, I am sorry for the loss of your son. I'm sure that even though it was long ago, the pain is still very real. Thank you for your words and resources. I will definitely check them out. And you are very right that we are fortunate to have all the resources we now do. I never had thought about how lucky I am to live in this era with this technology. Another lesson learned. It's amzaing how many lessons have been learned since this happened.

Hi Ron, Thank you for your post. Your words ring true. I feel all I can do is try to heal myself. But who am I? I am a changed person. Everything about me has changed, except for my dreams. I have always dreamed of having a family, and still do. That dream is now just gripped with fear and uncertainty. At times I feel I should not even be thinking about having other children. I need to grieve for the precious one I have lost. But at the same time, without that hope and dream, I do not know if I can get through the day. Trying to keep the scales balanced is a hard task. I am seeing a personal therapist, and hope that will help. I read any and everything. I am a very private person, so with exception of my husband, I don't talk much about it. I am hoping these discussion groups will help. I can open up and let things out. Encouraging posts like yours help me believe I made the right decision.

It was supposed to be a great day. My first day back to work, Hudson's first day of daycare. He was a beautiful, happy, HEALTHY, 3 month old boy. When I dropped him off that morning and kissed him goodbye, he grinned his huge toothless grin at me. I found it reassuring. He loved new places. He would do just fine. After a breif cry in my car (I had never left my baby before, it was hard) I took off to work. 2 hours late I received a call I never expected: my husband and I both needed to get to the local ER at once. I knew immediately it was bad. They wouldn't tell me anything about him or what happened, just that I needed to get there quickly. Upon arriving at the hospital, I am informed my baby had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped while taking a nap at the daycare. He was found prone, which I found interesting since he was not yet able to roll over. We were later informed that the daycare had folded the mat of the pack-n-play up so it would be at an angle (my baby had GERD, but we never asked them to prop him up). They then propped him on his side and put a towel behind his back so he could not roll over. WHY? WHY? WHY? Instead he rolled to his front, and then it happened. The emergency personelle got his heart pumping on it's own again after an hour of straight CPR. My poor child had tubes everywhere and was still not breathing on his own. I was in shock. He was transfered to Rady Children's Hospital in San Diego. We could not both ride in the ambulence and didn't want to leave one another to drive alone, so I kissed him goodbye and told him I would see him soon. One giant crocodile tear rolled down his cheek. I screamed "He's crying!" and the doctor said it was normal, his eyes will secrete fluid on their own. But that was the only time it happened. Not a drop or any moisture from his eyes after that. I am convinced that is when my baby told me goodbye. Once we were at Children's Hospital, they informed us the outlook was grim. They were right. My baby fought for his life for almost 24 more hours before passing away in my arms. They knew he was going soon, so I got to hold him. He was so heavy. Pumped full of fluids and meds, he was so heavy and puffy. Didn't even look like my boy. It has so far been deemed SIDS. The daycare was not criminally responsible, but I do feel they were negligent. No hope of a civil suit, they have nothing. I don't even care anymore. We had to walk out of that hospital without our son!!! I still don't know how we did it. Everyday I struggle. I went back to work 2 weeks later, hoping the distraction would help. That and my inability to cry in front of others. Each morning when I have to leave my house without my baby I sob the whole way to work. Coming home to a house with just a husband and a dog is hard. I cannot take a deep breath any longer. My whole body aches with my grief. I loved being a mommy. I miss being a mommy. But how will I ever find the courage to have another child? I do not have the option of being a stay-at-home mom. I must work. I therefore must aquire daycare. Millions of families are in the same situation. I'm the exception, not the rule. But what if it happens again? What if it happens again, but while I am watching the new baby? It is hard enough to look toward and hope for a bright future when my baby is gone. But now I don't think that future will ever hold a family, and that makes it so much harder.