Angelles

This has been gnawing at me for weeks now and, with Christmas approaching, I need to deal with it soon. I am angry and hurt that my daughter-in-law didn't attend my Dad's funeral service. A little background is required... My daughter-in-law has been with my step-son for 5 years now. She had a child prior to their relationship that now calls my step-son 'Daddy' and calls me 'Grandma'. I have always treated my step-son as one of my own children, and his adopted daughter as my granddaughter. My Dad, obviously, was not my step-son's biological grandfather but from the time I became involved with my husband 10 years ago my Dad treated my step-son as if he was one of his grandchildren...biological or not, and treated his daughter as a great-grandchild. There has never been any separation between biological and not biological at any point over the last 10 years. The day of my Dad's funeral service my step-son came with my granddaughter, as I would expect, but my daughter-in-law was not there. She had to work and did not take the day off for the service. I was very taken back and hurt. Taking the day off would not have affected her job, and could not have affected it legally. I understand money is tight for them right now as we had to give my step-son gas money to get to the funeral, but we could have helped with her missing pay too. She actually said to a mutual aquaintance, "it wasn't (my step-son's) REAL grandfather." Not only that but through the whole time I was watching my father die, and up to today weeks later, I have not gotten one phone call, message, or text of condolence from her. Christmas is coming soon and the family will all be together, including my daughter-in-law. I need some advice on how to handle this situation. I haven't yet said anything to her as I'm not sure I'm right to be so upset. Any opinions would help me decide what to do. Thank you.

I can sympathize with your sister-in-law very closely right now. My Dad was diagnosed with Stage 1 Pancreatic Cancer in November 2010, and passed away this October. Initially, when Dad told me of his diagnosis, I was all over the internet to get answers. The prognosis for this type of cancer was grim, and I believed he was going to die regardless of it being Stage 1. After his surgery, and meeting others who had survived years, I believed my dad would beat it. He was strong and could do anything right?! Not the case. Right up until the last weeks of his life I believed they would find a way to 'fix' him. When they told us he was terminal, I accepted it and lived each day as if he were dying. But I never really embraced it. In the back of my mind I thought 'just maybe'. It is wonderful that you want to be there for your sister-in-law because she is going to need all the support she can get, even if it is doing nothing other than just letting her know you are there. Some days I really needed to talk to people, to vent my anger and frustration, and to cry on a shoulder. Other days the constant texts, phone calls, and e-mails from people wanting to help me and asking me if there was anything they could do really frustrated me. On those days it just seemed overwhelming. Of course there was nothing they could do...they couldn't save my dad! The best thing you can do for your sister-in-law is let her take the lead. Don't constantly push to be there, hug her, talk to her, etc. Let HER let you know what she needs at that moment. She is going to go through a whole roller-coaster of emotions on a day to day basis. One minute she may be angry, the next a basket case of tears and denial. She may say, do, and want things that aren't normally characteristic of her, but this is normal in grief. Don't take anything personally. What you do for her one day may be embraced and appreciated that day, but upset and disgust her the next. It's ALWAYS ok to ask how her dad is doing, but don't push her to talk about anything more than she offers. Watching my dad die was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I will always cherish the time I got to spend with him before the end. Your sister-in-law may not see it right now, but she is lucky to have that opportunity too. My best friend lost her mother suddenly and has spent 20 years regretting her last words, things that went unsaid, and things she never got to apologize for. I will never feel that regret. I miss my dad terribly, and am still angry at his death, but I had the time to say goodbye.

Hello everyone, I am new here and hoping this site will help me understand what comes next. My Dad passed away of pancreatic cancer on October 12 of this year, at 64. He was diagnosed as Stage 1 in November 2010 and had the Whipple procedure done on January 31, 2011. Normally the whipple procedure is done immediately upon diagnosis, followed by Chemo. But, because my dad only had 80% benefits coverage, he agreed to become part of a test group that would cover the costs of all his meds. This put him taking a chemo pill first and surgery later. I believe this is what caused his death. By the time surgery happened they found cancer cells in one of his lymph nodes. After surgery dad never really recovered. We had another big scare when he was hospitalized in February for 5 weeks. The next 7 months were one problem after another, with my dad never really gaining any weight or getting back any strength. We had met people who had had the Whipple procedure done and were basically back to normal within 5 weeks so we couldn't understand what was wrong. On August 19, 2011 my dad was back in Emerg. with what he thought was the flu. He never came home again. It was determined that dad had a bowel obstruction. After ultrasounds, CT scans, and fluid testing, they told us the bad news 2 weeks later. Dad had a complete bowel obstruction, with a collapse of his lower bowel, caused by a large tumour. The scans also showed that his intestines were full of tumours, too many to treat. He was terminal. Dad was eventually moved to a Palliative Care ward, where he spent his remaining weeks. He quickly came to peace with his 'sentence' and frequently used the words 'no regrets'. He had had a good life and felt that he had not missed out on anything. He was ready, not willing, but ready to die. He was SO strong! My one brother and I both lived some distance away so we both took leaves from work to spend time with dad. My other brother conveniently worked at the hospital dad was in, and my sister took time from school. I will always be thankful for those last 6 weeks. Everything that had ever gone unsaid was said, apologies were made, thankful moments were shared, and TONS of memories were re-lived. I got to ask my dad questions I had never known the answer to, and know him as I never had. My dad got to plan his funeral/memorial they way he wanted it. It's not often that someone can do that! When Dad finally passed that Wednesday evening we were all there. It has been difficult since my dad died. The hardest was the first week. After spending every waking moment at the hospital for weeks, I woke up on Thursday with an empty feeling because I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Since then, life has gotten somewhat back to normal but the simplest things can set me off again. My dad is the first REAL death I have experienced, and I'm 43. Prior to him our family had lost great-aunts and uncles, and great-grandparents, but my dad was the first 'close-to-home' death. It still makes me angry that it was my introduction to death, and I don't know what comes next as far as emotions and healing. I am really hoping that reading the posts on this site will help me to see how people grieve differently, and show me that what I go through day-to-day is normal. I want to stop feeling guilty when I don't cry, or when I laugh at (what I think are) inappropriate times. Thank you for letting me share.