mlisers

Hi, I am new here. I lost my mom five years ago. I can say it gets better and it does not. I am here because I need support, because after five years it still hurts. It helps to know others are going through the same thing. My mom was my best friend. I have felt what you said in your original post about not feeling her and my mom also promised to always be there. I used to cry in my garden, begging her to make herself known to me. Then one day, I looked around at the amazing garden I had built and she slapped me in the face. I could not have built that garden without her, she taught me everything I know. It was my best harvest. I laughed and cried at the same time. I know she is with me in all I do because she made me who I am. It does not always help though. There is no garden beautiful enough I would not trade for a moment in her arms. The best we can do I guess is to find comfort in those slaps in the face, those moments when we realize they are here and never left.

Hi, This is my first time here. This is the first time I have reached out at all. My mom died and six months to the day later, dad died. And grandmother two yeear before.This was five years ago. I am 43. Mom was sick for years. Mom almost died more times than I can count. I have literally spent at least two years in a hospital chair next to her. My life was those crazy old people. My mother and grandmother were my entire life. Not entire. I lived. I traveled the world. I was the life of any party. I was that person you wanted to know and always loved. I called you on your dogs birthday. We were a trio, my grandmother, my mother and me. We had no secrets and we told no lies. I was able to manage and function after grandmother died because I had mom. Then mom got really sick, kidney failure due to a childhood injury. She went on dyalisis. Mom was strong and lived this way for almost five years. Finally her heart gave out. And dad he just could not be without her.... well that is the romantic tale I tell myself. I remember the day he went into the hospital and I prayed please not today. Now, I am an orphan. I have no one. I have no one to take care of, no one to take care of me, no one to call when I am sad or bursting with joy(not that it happens much). Still, something will happen and my first thought is I gotta call mom. and then I remember... I went into a deep hole. It has been over five years and I don't cry every day but I cannot connect with anyone. I function. I have a good job and am well respected but am perceived as "hardish". I have lost all but the very best friends and it is not because I try, it is because they do. I cannot find joy anymore not real joy. I have not traveled anywhere, my passport is expired. My desire to see the world and all its wonders and experience all its cultures, dried up. I honestly thought when my mom died I would too. And the things my mental state did to my body, there were times when I thought I would. My anxiety attacks hospitalized me more than once. I am "OK" now. But I cannot connect to anyone. I cannot truely love and cannot bring myself to put any effort into any kind of relationship. I have a boyfriend but if he left, honestly, not a big deal. I used to have passion. I used to love passionately. I used to champion causes. Now I just exist. Nothing stirs me. I might as well be dead. I read over these words and there is no passion, no emotion, just the facts. How do I feel anything again? How do I feel anything except empty without them?