Elizabeth James

Dear Kay, Thank you so much for your sweet, quick, and heartfelt response. I have started reading your story, but it's so heartbreaking I can only do it in small pieces. I suppose that all things work out in the way that they are meant to but I am so sorry you suffered and went through something so harrowing. In some ways our stories are similar, in some they are different, but neither one is easy and I feel for yours. I am glad you are in a much better place now. You are incredibly articulate and I feel so happy that you responded to my post. My fiance and I actually broke up last February so this is not a fresh pain. While you say that I was in no way responsible for his choices, and that is absolutely true, I am not blameless by any means. I felt like this was off-topic for the bereavement forums but when he and I met, I was suffering acutely from the loss of my marriage - not a physical death but an emotional one. I was hurting, scared, and didn't trust. I did my share of things to sabotage and drive him away in order to get space. I am aware that this doesn't justify his own hurtful actions, but I freely own up that I did hurt and scare him. I guess in a way it's rather funny that I asked this question: can grief cause a person to harm a relationship? Um, yes. I have progressed since that time, though, and no longer need to push him away, although I still appreciate and can live in the space and quiet. People hurt each other sometimes and we let each other down, but I like to think that everyone does the best they can at any time... The situation is also complicated in that we are from separate countries/cultures. I am currently living in his country - I've been here about six months. I had a bad experience with an employment contract falling through and was ready to go home, when he surprised me by asking me to consider staying here, even moving to the beautiful place where he lives (knowing I love it here). He did this because here, he said, I could really tackle the emotional healing I need to do. He knows me very very well and he spoke some pretty serious truths about me in a way that I was able to hear. I agreed that he had a point about many things, and I have stayed in-country. He's been helping me to make a home here, although I rarely see him due to his workaholic schedule and his mother being six hours to the south. My primary focus right now is definitely on myself. Things do seem to be going well for me here, just as he predicted; I have found new employment in just a few short weeks and am making friends and settling in. I am finally, two and a half years after my separation, starting to process out some of my pain and get at my own issues. My focus is definitely not on helping him in the codependent sense, but truly as someone who has no idea what to say when he expresses the magnitude of his pain. I know this feeling is common and it's good to hear that I'm doing ok with just listening, caring, and being around from time to time. The hardest thing for me is acceptance that this is where we are now. I really struggle with the concept that things have changed. Your words are wise and I know things are as they are, but hope is dying really, really hard. I've almost given up trying to kill it and am now just trying to accept the hope in myself, too. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Elizabeth

Hello, In advance, please let me apologize if I am posting inappropriately or in the wrong place. I have not lost either parent, but am in love with someone who is in the process of it. There is no clear place on the forum to post a question like this, but I am hoping that you can share your perspectives anyway to help me understand better. I was engaged to, and am still very close with and still love, a man who is in the process of losing his mother to cancer, and his father has also had a series of near-fatal heart attacks. The backstory, as briefly as I can summarize it: A year and a half ago, I met an amazing man. At almost 40 years old he had never married, and according to family and friends, had never been serious about a woman. As a doctor he spent most of his time in his profession, developing his hobbies, travel, etc. He and I fell hard for each other. After an incredibly sweet courtship he proposed marriage, was actively planning for us to have children, etc. I, however, was still healing from a divorce and was terrified. However, I love him very much and just after I agreed to go forward with him in marriage, his mother developed cancer and his father started having serial heart attacks. It was too much for him to handle all at once, he said. He subsequently went into clinical depression but worked very hard and got out of it in a few months, but he broke off the romantic part of our relationship some months after his mother fell ill. Both parents are still extremely sick and could pass at any moment, so the situation is ongoing. He told me that although he "doesn't love me anymore", he desperately wants to "stay friends" and stay connected. I am still in love with him. Our lives are still closely intertwined and neither one of us seems to let go. We have developed a pattern in which we draw close and spend amazing time together (no physical intimacy but deep emotional intimacy). When we talk or see each other he pours his heart out to me, talking about the pain of suffering and loss and how he's struggling to deal and make sense of everything. It is incredibly harrowing for him to cope with the grief, and he is actively reviewing everything in his belief system and his life. I listen as best as I can and offer my support. But afterward he seems to panic and withdraw from me, distancing himself for a time, although he always comes back. Our relationship has progressed closer again, slightly and at a snail's pace. I must mention that he has gone out on dates with a woman he works with, but family members assure me that it's incredibly casual and means nothing. They counsel me to have time and patience. I haven't dated anyone else and am not interested, and have focused on healing myself from my divorce. There are two things I would appreciate help with understanding. First of all, of course, is how to be the best friend I can to him, independent of our romantic state. I have read a lot on the topic of supporting a loved one through loss but I would still like any advice you could give me. And then, is it reasonable to think that his grief has caused, or at least contributed, to his emotional distancing from me? It has been extremely painful and difficult to understand why something that seemed so special and so good fell apart, yet we obviously still have such strong bonds to each other. Thank you, Elizabeth