Hello,
In advance, please let me apologize if I am posting inappropriately or in the wrong place. I have not lost either parent, but am in love with someone who is in the process of it. There is no clear place on the forum to post a question like this, but I am hoping that you can share your perspectives anyway to help me understand better.
I was engaged to, and am still very close with and still love, a man who is in the process of losing his mother to cancer, and his father has also had a series of near-fatal heart attacks.
The backstory, as briefly as I can summarize it:
A year and a half ago, I met an amazing man. At almost 40 years old he had never married, and according to family and friends, had never been serious about a woman. As a doctor he spent most of his time in his profession, developing his hobbies, travel, etc. He and I fell hard for each other. After an incredibly sweet courtship he proposed marriage, was actively planning for us to have children, etc. I, however, was still healing from a divorce and was terrified. However, I love him very much and just after I agreed to go forward with him in marriage, his mother developed cancer and his father started having serial heart attacks. It was too much for him to handle all at once, he said. He subsequently went into clinical depression but worked very hard and got out of it in a few months, but he broke off the romantic part of our relationship some months after his mother fell ill. Both parents are still extremely sick and could pass at any moment, so the situation is ongoing.
He told me that although he "doesn't love me anymore", he desperately wants to "stay friends" and stay connected. I am still in love with him. Our lives are still closely intertwined and neither one of us seems to let go. We have developed a pattern in which we draw close and spend amazing time together (no physical intimacy but deep emotional intimacy). When we talk or see each other he pours his heart out to me, talking about the pain of suffering and loss and how he's struggling to deal and make sense of everything. It is incredibly harrowing for him to cope with the grief, and he is actively reviewing everything in his belief system and his life. I listen as best as I can and offer my support. But afterward he seems to panic and withdraw from me, distancing himself for a time, although he always comes back. Our relationship has progressed closer again, slightly and at a snail's pace. I must mention that he has gone out on dates with a woman he works with, but family members assure me that it's incredibly casual and means nothing. They counsel me to have time and patience. I haven't dated anyone else and am not interested, and have focused on healing myself from my divorce.
There are two things I would appreciate help with understanding. First of all, of course, is how to be the best friend I can to him, independent of our romantic state. I have read a lot on the topic of supporting a loved one through loss but I would still like any advice you could give me. And then, is it reasonable to think that his grief has caused, or at least contributed, to his emotional distancing from me? It has been extremely painful and difficult to understand why something that seemed so special and so good fell apart, yet we obviously still have such strong bonds to each other.
Thank you,
Elizabeth