Dear Debbie,
I lost my husband last year.....well in February it will be 2 years, to lung cancer and I thought I was doing better. However, this morning I woke up at 6:00 AM and knowing I could sleep longer, tried, but finally got up. For some reason he came into my mind and I knew my old fear was coming back to haunt me. I felt I had killed him. No matter how many people have told me, I just can't shake that feeling. I cried bitterly and asked the Lord to please help me put it to rest once and for all. The day he really started to get sick (feet were swelled up terribly) and he just kept giving himself breathing treatments which didn't seem to be helping. We were having almost blizzard conditions and I had called Hospice but nobody could get out and I truly couldn't remember if I gave him the first drop of morphine that the Hospice lady gave me or not.
I called my son and he had 4 wheel drive. He and his wife came over and I know she gave him some morphine which relaxed him a bit but he was still having trouble breathing. To tell you the truth I never touched that morphine again. My daughter-in-law took over because I was too upset. Hospice finally came and they put a catheter in and, long story short, he finally passed 2 days later very peacefully but a lot of that time he still seemed restless like he didn't want to go and the morphine kept him sleeping and breathing (such as it was).
The next week I had Velentine's Day and my Birthday and I could hardly stand it. The only reason I got through the rest of the year was my grief therapy classes and one day at a time. THEN CAME CHRISTMAS! Never in my life have I felt so alone. Thank God you have your son because I had nobody at home. My son, who is 50, had his family and I didn't want to dump everything on him but I just felt NOTHING. How I made it through that Christmas had to be a miracle from God because I forced myself to go as few places as possible and paste a smile on but it was so hard.
Now here is another Christmas and I'm feeling better and I know you will get through like I did but I absolutely know how you feel because the hurt is still there. It is not as strong but my heart and mind still feel it and right now (although I know the hurt will lessen)I feel Christmas will never be the same. But, you know, time will help both of us and your son will keep you going. You just have to put one foot in front of the other, Debbie. I know that sounds cold but God will help you.
Much love to you,
Bonnie