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mik

Contributor
  • Content Count

    150
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About mik

  • Rank
    Mik
  • Birthday 02/16/1961

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Partner/ Fiance
  • Date of Death
    December 6, 2011/ July 23, 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Fox Chase Cancer Center, Phildelphia Pa and Westmoreland Excella Health, Greensburg Pa

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Vandergrift Pa
  • Interests
    Antiques and collectibles, my Ebay site, animals, networking, music, people, Working as a case manager with the homeless population, outdoors, motorcycles,( Harleys in particular) anyplace near the water along with some sunshine.

Contact Methods

  • Yahoo
    s.mik10@yahoo.com

Recent Profile Visitors

2,936 profile views
  1. Today is Mothers Day. I awoke to a terrible dream of my dad who passed away in February 2018. I have had dreams of him in the past, ever since he died. I am always hugging him and never want to let go. I awake crying, realizing he is gone. This morning I awoke crying, it was the strangest dream, he was in a nursing home. I was hugging him but instead of his face, He had a "snout" like a dogs, so weird? He could not talk to me..suddenly it dissappeared and we were talking again. I was waving across a long room to my mom and aunt Dot who were just looking at me? Then I had to stop hugging my dad and had to leave. It seems in all my dreams I am holding onto my dad but then I have to let go and I wake up crying. Today was especially disturbing, so much so that I am afraid to go to sleep because I will wake up crying and mourning him all over again. Sigh, my mom says she has never even dreamed of my dad and they were married over 60 years! I am under a great deal of stress being her caregiver and trying to fill the void left when my dad passed away. Does anyone else have such dreams? It's dreams like this, or that I am lost trying to find my way back home...what is wrong with me?
  2. I am so sorry for your loss. No one here knows what you are going through, we only know what we have experienced and to give support from our own places of loss and grief. This is an amazing place with wonderful individuals who suffer loss and are brave enough to share their pain as well as their wisdom with others. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing others understand and are here for you.
  3. Hello, sorry I have not been on here for quite a while, since before Christmas. I made it through! I want to thank everyone for the great ideas of how to deal with the loss of my Dad. It's has been difficult for everyone but especially so since my Mom and I are living without Dad here at house. We kept busy, spent time with family and missed Dad but kept on going. Valentines day is our next big challange. I think we will manage to get through that as well. I just wanted to thank everyone here. I am so grateful for this groups support.
  4. I have been in several different groups here, loss of significant other, loss of a pet, and now I am once again grieving yet another loss. The loss of my father. (I may have posted about this loss in another group shortly after it happened, Im not sure.) My dad was diagnosed on my birthday in February with a rare form of cancer. He had not been well for some time. He passed away a week later. I thought I handled it better than I thought I would. I have been caring for my mom since that time. I live here with her now. I felt ok until Thanksgiving. The holiday was terrible for me and mom even though we were surrounded by my two brothers and their family. I could see mom's sadness, which just made mine worse. Now I am faced with Christmas. I dread it. I even went as far as posting on facebook that mom and I wanted to go away for the holidays. My cousins, aunts and uncles offered us places to go, but unfortunately my mom is having cataract surgery at the same time, four days before Christmas and won't be able to go. Then I realized that this is not really about her loss as much as it is mine, and how I want to run away from this grief. I am beginning to see that there is no place to "run" to escape my grief and Christmas. I can't stand thinking of the holidays without my dad and seeing the sadness in my mom. I have become depressed (I already suffer from anxiety and depression) Every show and Christmas commercial that I see makes it worse. I don't know why this is happening now. I made it through Easter and all summer long ok...but I am having a really hard time now? I feel guilt, loss, depression and anxiety. Is this normal, 10 months later?
  5. I hear your pain. Every day is challenging. Anxiety attacks can keep you stuck. With all that said, there is still a beacon shinning...you are here, a plethora of love and memories that define who you are. Memories and a life that you share with others daily. Just reading your words gives the rest of us hope, even though veiled in pain, that great love still exists and never leaves us no matter what challenges we face. Your husband left an indelible print on your soul and in your heart. I think how lucky you are to still be a part of that. I know right now it dosent feel that way and that you feel anything but lucky, but then I imagine those who have never had an opportunity to be with someone who they love this much. Have you sought help for your panic? I suffered and still suffer from panic attacks, but with the help of a therapist I have learned to control them. I am wishing you peace...from anxiety and from grief. Hang in there. We are all grateful you are here!
  6. I hope that you are able to get through this. I am sorry this happened to you. Are you able to talk to a good friend or counselor? It is just horrible that there are people out there that take advantage of us when what we need most is kindness and understanding. Don't blame yourself for this. Monsters lurk in all places. My prayers are with you.
  7. Wish that I could do something to take away your pain. Perhaps there is another person or group close to you that would be able to help you more. I don't see why you must see both of them other than the reason she gave you. Can your doctor give you anything for your pain? I was just wondering if there are any other options? Hang in there. Hugs
  8. I had that very thought today. Could not wait until daylight savings time. My dad could not wait, loved that it stayed light longer. I looked out back at the planters we have for all the flowers my dad and I plant each spring. Don't even want to think about it now that he is not here to do it with me. Who is going to show me the best ones to choose? Who will help m e plant each one? I look at the plant he trimmed a month ago.. he won't see it bloom this spring. Who will I sit with on the back porch and talk to about every thing and anything? Who will I ask for advice from? And my mom...his wife, how will she ever make it through this? I know this is all so fresh and time will help, but honestly it' hurts so much I wonder if I will ever want to do these things again? I want my dad. I feel like a rotten four year old child who wants to stamp their feet and demand he return. I am angry, sad, depressed and in denial all rolled up in a 57 year old women.
  9. Thank you for your responses. This is so hard! I take comfort that this group and the individuals who have also lost so much are here for me. It brings me comfort where no comfort can be found...thank you!
  10. You must be going through a lot of pain right now. I can understand losing two individuals that you have loved in one lifetime. I too believed that losing one would help me prepare for what to expect when losing another. In my case, they were both very different. I now have lost my father. The funeral was last week. Again, I believed that the grief I feel would be similar. Surprise! Very different! It' almost as though each death is a different experience. I wonder, can the human spirit within us take that much grief? The only thing I know to do is right now take one day at a time. For me that is so hard! Right now I sleep most of the day and am up all night. I don't want to do anything either. It is wonderful that you have your grandchildren to give you hugs. You also have your children and I know, nothing can replace the love between spouses, or with me the love between a father and daughter. After reading your post, I am beginning to think that every love is unique and maybe our mourning is unique to that individual as well, even though we have experienced grief before. Take care and know others are thinking of you.
  11. My father passed away last week. I am living at home with my mom. I'm surrounded by my father' s things. He built the home they lived in, all his clothes are in the closet. Everything is just as it has been except he is not here. When Dragon and LC died I was not surrounded by their belongings. Dragon insisted that I return home before he passed on and LC died in the hospital and I had a already moved back with my parents. I boxed all of his items and have just recently have taken them out of storage. But now, since I live at home with my mother I am surrounded by my dad' s items and it makes it so difficult to manage day to day without breaking down and crying. My mother on the other hand says she is comforted by my dad's things. She feels close to him. We both live in the same house. I cannot ask her to box up dad's things. I am wondering, perhaps by being surrounded by his things, it may be a better way to grieve for the loss of my dad? Since I tried to put Dragon and LC's death "in a box" so to speak, I wasn't confronted daily by items that reminded me of them. Does any one think that being around constant reminders of my Dad will help me to "grieve in a more healthy manner" than boxing up items that I see that cause me pain and grief? It' difficult when two people grieve in such different ways but live together in the same house. If anyone has any thoughts on this I would appreciate any feedback you might provide.
  12. I agree. My loneiness feels as there is no end in sight.
  13. Thank you for your kind words. My father passed and we are preparing for his funeral on Tuesday. I am heartsick.
  14. Thank you. I am feeling incredibly lonely. It dosent make sense. I am here with my mom, and was surrounded by people yesterday. I like being alone, but not now. I know your right, I should know grief exceptionally well. I know this will take time. It' different from losing a partner however. I have had my dad in my life 57 years. Yes, I am lonely without him here.
  15. Thank you, I thought that I was prepared, however I am not. I am so worried for my mom and don't know how I can take the place of my dad for her. (I know I can' t ) but I don't want to lose her too. I find anxiey and sadness are all I can feel at this time. I see everyone drinking as a way to cope, not getting drunk, but drinking socially as they have in the past. I am doing the same, as it does help...and I don't drink. I have so many worries and so much grief. I wonder if I will lose my mind at times..this too scares me to death. I have to be here. I can'tafford that luxury. ..sigh
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