wacked612

Shanna, I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I know how my gf (who lost her father about 5 months ago) handled the end of her program after his death. She had a choice to postpone or continue. She went back the day after the funeral, not because she wanted to, but because it was what her dad would have wanted. He was extremely proud of her and would have never wanted her to quit. Honestly, at that point she wouldn't have cared if she threw her whole career away because he was more important. However, she survived the last course. She didn't enjoy it, but she felt like she was honoring her dad that way. So, as your mom was your encourager, perhaps you could use this strategy as well in order to push you past the sadness. If not, don't get too down on yourself. When the time is right and you regain your strength, I am sure you will accomplish your goal.

jenn and Kathy, As I read your posts, it seems that you feel isolated in your grief, but you would prefer not to feel so alone in it. I guess everyone is different in this area, as we are in all of life. My gf actually told me that grieving for her father was something she has to go through alone. It seems as though it is a solitary venture for her. It has been helpful that she can at least tell me if it's a good day or a bad day. That's the way she communicates how up for conversation she is that day. I hope that might be helpful with some of your friends who might want to be there but aren't really sure how to "test the waters". Hang in there, and know that there are some of us who, even though we may not know first hand what you are going through, want to be there in the way you need us most. You just have to hit us over the head every now and then.

KathyD, Perhaps your post more adequately explained what I meant when I asked if my gf's detaching from others was something that occured during the grieving process. It was almost like reading what she would have written a month ago. (Her dad died 5 months ago.) Things seem to be settling out some for her now, but there were times when even a phone call seemed like too much pressure. It seems to ebb and flow, and I am learning that each day may be different. I hope you'll give yourself the space you need and that others will respect that.

jathh, Your explanation of the impact brings it all into focus. I actually had to prove over time that I wasn't going anywhere. Sometimes we see instability because we don't know what to expect. The rules change in the middle of the game. Then there is the expression of emotion that we don't always know how to handle. (How's that for an understatement? lol) One of the reasons I wanted to learn from those who could at least give me a glimpse of what she is going through is because I know she can't tell me. Thanks for sharing your insight and experience. I am sorry for both your losses.

Shell..thanks for the well wishes. Jester..what language does he speak?

Shell, I am a fighter, and extremely passionate about the people/issues that matter to me. Unfortunately, in this situation, there is no enemy (but death..and there is no winning there). I have grown a lot in over the past several years and understand that sometimes the best thing to do is just be calm/quiet when things fall apart. By staying in control, it helps others feel more secure. There are no words that can make this situation better or resolve it. So sometimes less is more. When I have to fight, it's with myself to stand still and breathe deeply, and know that in the end, she will emerge from the battlefield. I'd put my money on her every time.

Good news! We talked for about and hour this weekend. She says she has good days and bad days like everyone else here has said. It was so helpful for me to have had access to all of your thoughts and experience. I feel like I am better able to understand the process without having to ask her. For that, I am grateful to all of you who have offered your assistance. It seems it's just a matter of adjustment to find that comfort zone of being near without expectations.

star0422, Yes, it does help. She told me about a month ago that she knew that she had been avoiding it. I think "it" finally caught up with her. There's nothing worse than someone who thinks they know how you should deal with something and pressures you to do it "their" way. So, I know that it's one of those times I just have to be patient and let her find her way back. Knowing the close relationship she had with her dad, it's going to be hard. I keep hearing everyone say..just let her know you are there for her if/when she needs you. So..that's what I'll keep doing. I feel like I am on the sidelines when I should be in the fight. So I struggle with realizing this isn't my fight, and I can't really do much to help her win, except never leave her side (whether that is literal or figurative). Thanks for sharing your experience. I realize I am on the opposite side from most of you who have experienced the loss. I do so appreciate the way you all shed light on the situation for me.

Maylissa, I, too, live by the code of "say what you mean and mean what you say". I think that's why it's even harder to deal with silence. However, on the flip side, if someone seems to be trying to control me, I walk away. So, I have tried to be very conscious of the fact that if the only thing she said she needed is time and space, that's what I can give her. There's just that fine line between caring space and uncomfortable space that I am trying to find. I don't want to give her THAT much of a headstart if she's running. lol Although, I know she's really not running from me. She is very headstrong and independent, and it may be that she doesn't want to feel like she needs to depend on anyone. As life has shown her, you can trust individuals, but you can't trust life. I worry that she doesn't want to be close to anyone because it hurts too much when you lose them, regardless of the reason. Just my thoughts..it helps to at least get them out of my head without any possible damage. I appreciate others' willingness to be a sounding board and source of food for thought.

A similar situation occured almost a year to the day. Her dad was in the hospital at the time. That time I pressed the issue and it was resolved by July 4th. (This time I'm not going to do that. I realize that I can't make the process move faster or control the outcome.) I am glad to hear that at least calling to check on her seems ok. I've emailed but haven't heard from her in a week. I think some other things are going on as well, but I figure it's for her to tell me. I am learning not to "fill in the blanks". The one thing she doesn't need is to know that her absence in my life at the present time is a hard adjustment for me. I figure that "standing still" is the least I can do to help. I think the most difficult part for me is having no clue what she's thinking. It's like a communication blackout. It made sense what was said about answering the phone..not wanting to deal with anything else and not knowing what the caller is going to want. It always helps me to see it from another angle. So..thanks...

I know what you mean about the 'firsts'. It happened at Valentines, then again on her birthday and Father's Day all in one week. She said as much about it being something she had to do on her own. She's been under a lot of stress with her mom as well. Being the only child, it has now become her responsibilty to take care of her mom emotionally. Plus, her mom wants to keep me far away from her daughter. lol I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It does help me to see that I am doing all I can by respecting her request for time alone. It's probably also helping to reduce friction between her and her mom which can only lower the stress level.

Jester and Tori, Thanks for the insight. I know that she has a tendency to want to deal with things herself anyway. It's just hard to see someone you love in such pain and be unable to help or 'fix it'. One more question..is it a good idea to at least check on her by phone every now and then (3-5 days)? It just seems like I am abandoning her if I wait until she surfaces. What's your suggestion on that? Call just to check or wait til she reaches out?

I want to support my gf as she lost her dad to cancer about 4 months ago. However, she tends to run and not want to talk at all. Can anyone help me understand? I don't want to pressure her, but I don't want her to feel alone.

I am new to the board and need a little help. Short version..my gf lost her father about 4 months ago to cancer. Is it normal to break contact when dealing with grief? There are some other issues involved that I would be glad to share with someone who has been there and can offer experience in how best to support her.