bluetopaz

Mary, I know what you mean about balance. I had 14 people for Thanksgiving (thought it would be easier with people around me and the girls) and my sis and her son for the weekend after. It was so sad when they left, and now I am left with a feeling of emptiness, it is feast or famine! Everything seems to upset the applecart now and I don't really know what to say except hang in there, I don't know you at all yet but you seem incredibly perceptive so follow your instinct is all I can say...sorry but hopefully now that your space has been recreated and as you become comfortable again the new "normal" will take over again. Take care, Shelley

Hi Dave, I hear you (no pun intended; ) ) about the music. I had to take my 14 YO daughter to the mall last nite (would rather be beaten than do that she is SOOO picky!!!) and I had to LEAVE a couple of stores. The music was deafening and spoke to me, "all I want for Christmas is YOU" ugh, I nearly broke down in the stores and quite frankly didn't care if I did. I made a comment in front of the cashier in one and she laughed and I told her I just lost my husband in June and she understood that I am not just a scrooge but a woman in mourning. I don't know what to say except I am in the same place and it is killing me. One thing that I thought of this morning since the holidays are so steeped in tradition and ritual is to maybe start a new one to honor him, maybe that would help you too. I have to think about it more but maybe that would give us a purpose for this crazy time, and in the same way honor your Mike and my Henry. Just an idea but maybe one that would work! Take care and stay out of those stores! Do your shopping online!!! Shelley

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I am so sorry for all of your losses too! I knew God would lead me to a place of comfort if I just looked hard enough. Dave...you are almost at the same place as me regarding the timing of your loss and I feel the same things you do! So sorry for you! I read your post regarding the holiday music and I will reply to the thread directly but it is driving me crazy too! All I feel is BAAAAAHUMBUG!!!! I have kids so they keep me going but if I didn't I know I would be in bed 24-7. Please take care of yourself. Mary...so sorry about your husband. Henry was buried the day of his Grandmother's funeral and he lived with her at night for 13 years. Before he passed he had a dream about his Grandmother and mine, they are both deceased, so the timing of it all was planned by God I know. Thanks for giving me hope that I will make it somehow. Kay...thank you so much for pegging my feelings to the tee. I do feel all of what you described and it is great to know that the depression now is not uncommon. You are also correct, the past 2 years of caregiving were so hard, especially since the cancer was stage IVb at diagnosis, he needed 2 stem cell transplants and we chose to go out of state for them. I had to leave my 3 daughters at home with my inlaws who traveled 1300 miles to my home for 2 3 month periods plus intermittent chemo and imaging. Further complicating the situation I am a nurse which is a double-edged sword because it is nice to know what is going on medically but it's also not a good thing. So we all grieved through each setback and when he passed I felt a sense of peace which of course I felt guilty for. I thought throughout the treatment/dying process I had felt it all but I was wrong. I think I am reaching the anger phase now...didn't think it would happen but I guess it is inevitable. Anyway, enough rambling and thank you. Nice to meet you and look forward to being here. Shelley

I lost my husband of 21 years married and 25 together to the scourge of cancer after a 2+ year fight 6-7-11. The grief at this point has me almost non-functional...I am sure it is spiking because of the holiday season and my 50th birthday are approaching. My hubby did make it to celebrate his 50th before he passed. Just here to possibly connect with some people who are experiencing the same as I am...maybe when I get further down the road I could help someone else or a new widow(er) as BTDT. Hello to all and I hope your journey through this maze of emotions is uncomplicated. The cancer experience is like being bi-polar, the highs are so high and the lows are so low. I don't feel that now, just extremely depressed. The 6 month anniversary of my husband's passing is on the horizon as well so maybe that is part of it. Thee triggers can be so weird, one nite it was a sunset, a couple kissing on TV,a smell of his cologne, etc. Now I am beginning to ramble which is too easy to do!!! ; ) Thanks and I look forward to meeting all of you! Shelley