My mom died July 2006. She suffered in pain terribly. I moved in with my parents when she was diagnosed, I was 23. I helped to the best of my ability, not really understanding what was going on. The few days before she died, a hospice nurse sat on her breathing tube, this caused my mother to gasp for air and go into a coma. It was like a scene from a horrible movie. Screaming her name, my dad holding me back physically to keep me from attacking the nurse....I watched a healthy, happy italian woman shrink into a skeleton. A non smoker dying of lung cancer. The first year after she went was a blur, I don't think it really started to sink in till that first Christmas without her. Being around my significant others family made it worse and they were NOT compassionate or understanding. I've gone thru all the levels of grievance except closure and acceptance. I've hidden at the bottom of a bottle, tried medications,tried to do all the positive things to help....nothing has or is working. I'm completely bitter, angry, hopeless, and empty. Nothing makes me truly happy. My smiles are pretend, my screams muted by my own stubborness and pride. I am in charge of this famiglia now, I have been for 5 years, there's no place for me to grieve. It has progressively gotten worse in the last 6 months. I don't care to eat, drink, sleep, breathe, or do anything except DRIVE. I have driven over 1500 miles in 2 weeks. I have no roots, no community, no sense of society. I need my mother....a mother period. I am so conscious and aware otherwise, easy for me to give advice to others in grief, but I cannot seem to help myself. Her birthday is the 5th of this month. Holidays. BAH HUMBUG! I feel like there is a chicken bone stuck in my throat when I think of her or trying to deal with the loss of her. I'm full of guilt and rage. I am completely detached from others. I'm a young, atrractive enough woman who won't let anyone near me, the real me. There is a man who has loved me thru all of this, he has dealt with my ups and downs for almost 6 years. I don't know how to be happy or content in a relationship. Everything ends and the pain and suffering I see my dad go thru without the love of his life is too much for me. I don't want to go thru that. I really feel hopeless, alone, and completely devastated on the inside. A ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Please, anyone who isn't going to try to push "god" on me, I'm open to suggestions. I write in a journal, I tried talking to her, I tried sedating myself...nothing is helping.
A wandering broken soul
