emmaj

You did what you had to do at the time. You looked after your father when your mother couldn't. As for giving him permission to go, I completely understand that. My father also had cancer. He had lung cancer and my mother brought him home to die with the help of hospice. One day after work I went home to see them. I sent my mother out to get some air and see a friend. I just wanted her to take a break for even five minutes. She never left the house or my father. She needed a break if she knew it or not at the time. While I was alone with my father I promised him that she would be alright after he was gone. I wouldn't leave her alone. I told him that he could let go. He didn't need to worry about her, he needed to do what was best for him. Only a select few people know about the talk I had with my dad. I didn't tell my mom for the longest time. Some people think I was being selfish or cruel or mean. I don't understand how wanting what was best for him was any of those. I didn't want him to die but i didn't want him to continue to suffer either. It wasn't easy telling him that he could go away forever. I don't know where i found the strength to let him go. All I can say is I did what I had to do at the time and I think you did the same. Sometimes all our loved ones need to know is that we will be alright when they are gone and that its ok for them to pass on. It takes a great deal of strength to let them know that they can leave this world.

October 4 was the first anniversary of my mom's death. I thought i was fine before that day came. I hadn't really dealt with her death. I chose to bury my feelings and pain instead. Sad to say I have followed this pattern my entire life. I am very good at dealing with anger but not grief, sadness, or pain. I was the closest to my grand mom when i was younger because i spent all my time with her due to both of my parents having to work. I was much older when i finally started to get close to my mom and i think that had more to do with me finding the man i was going to marry and then my father being diagnosed with lung cancer. After my dad died my husband and i moved home so my mom wouldn't be alone. We finally found our bond as i began helping her when her health began to decline. I would give anything to have her back or to have found our bond sooner. I'm trying my best to stop pushing people away and keeping everyone at a safe distance. I think my husband thinks i'm going over the edge or having a mid-life crisis. I just got my first tattoo. I will be seeing a therapist in a few days,11 to be exact. I know he can't wait. He wants the old me back. Some days i think that person died with my mother. A friend of mine who lost his mother just before i did said that it doesn't get easier, it just gets more tolerable. I'm hoping for both. Honestly there are days it seems better. I've even had times that i can remember her without wanting to hide in a corner or closet and just cry. I think that's progress. I wish you luck. Just have faith that it will happen.

Thank you for your idea about hospice. I hadn't looked into that area for help because my mother wasn't under their care at the time. We did have their help with my father when he was home dying of lung cancer. I don't know why I didn't think of them now. And I'll be honest, when I signed up for this site I really didn't have any expectations of it helping me, but I don't mind admitting I was wrong. It's comforting to know that others are feeling the same way I am. It helps to prove to me that I'm not losing it. I'm sorry that we all have to feel such loss and grief but at least we aren't alone. I was feeling so alone it made me more depressed than I already was.

I am so glad to hear that i'm not the only one who doesn't want to be around anyone else. Some days it takes everything I have in me to make myself get out of bed and go to work. My husband is getting used to me not cooking. I do the laundry but have slacked off on other chores. I don't talk to anyone that I don't have to or that I can avoid. I don't know how else to describe it....I feel broken. Broken heart, broken body, and completely broken spirit. Someone please tell me this is normal and will get better. A friend I met online is going through the loss of his mother also. He has been great. He listens and talks with me. He seems to understand how i feel. He wants me to see the therapist that my doctor suggested. I have to wait until the end of January for that. It really sucks that I have to wait over a month to see someone that may be able to help. And she can't even prescribe any pills. I'm hoping it won't be a waste of time. I have never in my life felt so confused, lost, screwed up, and alone. This is normal?

I lost my mom October 4,2010. The holidays weren't bad last year. I now realize that it because i was still in a state of shock or just numb. It took months and months for me to begin to feel normal again. Then came the anniversary of her death and something happened to me. Now the holidays are depressing me even more. I'm beginning to realize that maybe I didn't deal with her death. Instead I buried all of my pain, grief, and sorrow down as deep as i could. I am the queen of ignore it and it will go away. Well i ignored it and guess what....it didn't go anywhere. It's still here and hurts just as much. If i gave any advice to anyone it would be this...deal with the pain and heartache now. Grief is a process that you need to work through. I'm still trying to find my way so I wish you the best of luck in finding your way through it. Time doesn't heal all wounds...it makes them more bearable.

If I had my way I wouldn't leave my house. I don't want to be around anyone. Everyone is getting ready for Christmas. My mom loved the holidays and I used to. Now I just want them over. I am so tired of trying to pretend to be normal for everyone else. I'm tired of feeling bad about making my husband feel neglected or causing what friends I have left to worry about me. I'm tired of feeling like i just want to hide in a dark corner and cry. I'm starting to wonder myself why i can't just feel bad and get over it. Yes it sucks but there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm tired of this life...I want my old one back again.

My mother died October 4, 2010. It took months and months for me to begin to think I was alright again. She was my best friend. After my father died my husband and I moved in with my mother so she wouldn't be alone. When her health started to fail I was the person to take her to her doctors appointments. Before her back surgery I was the one who dressed her,followed her when she needed to walk around, helped her shower, and chopped up her food so she could eat. It was like our roles were reversed and I was the parent and she was the child. If i was totally honest here I would say that I wasn't always the most accepting of this role. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently or not had said. I'm sure we all have regrets and regrets I can live with but the depression and anxiety that have set it now after the one year anniversary I can not live with. I didn't expect this reaction to the anniversary. I went to see my doctor and she gave me pills for anxiety and depression but i had a surprising reaction to them and couldn't take them again. She gave me the name of a therapist but I can't get an appointment until the end of January. I called for grief meetings but they don't start until after the new year. I'm trying to find help but there doesn't seem to be any available to me right now. My husband doesn't understand what is happening. He hasn't experienced a lose of a loved one. I'm afraid that I'm pushing him away and my friends have become distant until after I find help and some way of coping with everything I'm feeling. The person in charge of the grief meetings said it is common for most people to not honestly go through the grief process. Many times feelings are buried and ignored with the hope that they will go away. I think that describes me perfectly. I ignore a lot of things with the hope that they will go away. I bury emotions down so deep that I forget they are there. It seems the only emotion that I can express is anger and I'm going to wind up alone if I continue to do that. If i had my way I would hide in my bedroom or maybe the closest and never step foot outside again. I don't want to go anywhere, including work, or do anything now. I thought that putting my mother's things away out of sight would help but when I get near them all I do is cry. I don't know where to start to feel like me again, or be happy again, or even just to be able to be around other people without wanting to run away or fight with them for no other reason than my own anger and unhappiness. I've never felt so screwed up or alone in my life.